"Forgive if Not Forget" part one

["jbstories _" <jbstories@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Volume One: "Forgive if not Forget"
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Disclaimer: All the characters, Buffy, Willow, Giles, Xander, Faith etc.
belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Inc., and Warner Bros. I'm just
borrowing their brilliant creations. I intend no copyright infringement from
my use of their characters, and will receive no monetary or any other
compensation for their use, in any form, of the story that succeeds.
Synopsis: What would have happened if Faith had never escaped on that train
out of Sunnydale? Read on…
Rating: PG-13
Genera: Buffy/Faith
*Note* This story is told largely in flashbacks
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Buffy walked into the dorm room she shared with Willow and headed straight
for her bed. Once reaching her intended position she promptly flopped down
and let her limbs fling where they wanted to and took up intently staring at
the ceiling. Her life was falling apart; her life was reaching new and
magnificent heights. Her life was treading into uncharted territories; she
was falling in love. She had fallen in love; she couldn't fall in love.
She didn't know what the hell was going on inside of her head or her heart
and it was not so slowly driving her insane.

Closing her eyes she took a deep breath and decided that the only way she
was going to figure out what was going on with her was if she sat-or in this
case lay down-and thought long and hard about what had been going on in her
life over the past month. And she knew exactly where to start her
recollection, and who to start it with. All things considered, it all came
down to Faith.

{Faith was sitting on top of her, only it wasn't Faith, it was her. Faith
was in her body sitting on top of her punching her about the face. But that
wasn't really it, Faith wasn't really punching her-Buffy-she was punching,
yelling at and cursing at herself. Buffy, unfortunately for her, just
happened to be occupying the battered body for the moment.

Then it stopped, the fury, the raging, and the anguish…it froze. As their
minds, their consciousness, or whatever you would like to call where
transferred back into their bodies, time seemed to stand still for a moment.
Both of them trapped in a form of stasis. Then Buffy looked down into
Faith's brown eyes. Shocked, lost, hurt, scared brown eyes. And then she
was being shoved away, the body beneath hers bucking up and thrusting her
off in a violent motion. And then Faith was standing, and turning, and
running away.

Buffy sat there for a moment, stunned, confused, then she too stood up.

"Faith!" she called out, her own voice sounding strange to her ears after
having inhabited the other Slayer's body. "Faith!" she called again when
the Slayer didn't stop. There was a brief hesitation in her exit, but she
didn't stop.

Once again Buffy paused for a moment; she was torn. Torn between what her
heart was telling her to do and what her head was telling her was best.
Should she chase after her brunette counter part as her heart so
passionately willed her to do? Or should she let her go, let her run out of
her life, out of Sunnydale, into oblivion? There was really no decision to
be made. Buffy headed after her.

Faith had a good head start on her, but through pure will Buffy managed to
keep her in sight. The distance between them closed and gained over the
course of the chase, but Buffy never lost sight of the girl. The game of
cat and mouse went on for a considerable amount of time, a half-hour Buffy
would have guessed if she had been asked. Through the town, over park
benches, through the woods, into alleys, they ran. Then finally, after
passing through a thicket of woods Buffy observed the girl in front of her
came to a halt.

Cautiously approaching the other girl Buffy craned her neck to try and
observe what could have caused this sudden change of events. She found it.
Faith was standing on the edge of a cliff. How far the fall was below Buffy
couldn't tell, but if it was enough to stop Faith she knew it had to be
considerable.

"Alright, B" Faith said turning around, her voice full of bravado. "Let's
have at it."

Buffy didn't move.

"No," the blonde Slayer responded softly.

"That wasn't a question, B," Faith said bouncing on her heels lightly. "It
was a warning. Whether you want to heed or not serious hurt is coming your
way," the brunette went on.

"I don't want to fight you," Buffy responded in the same tone she had used
before.

"Little late to play Mother fucking Teresa," Faith responded. "You can't
just gut someone and then expect to be all hands across America," she went
on approaching Buffy.

"I won't fight you," Buffy responded. "Not again," Buffy went on. "Like
you said…I've done enough damage already," she said finishing as Faith
reached her.

"Suit yourself," Faith responded raising her hand.

Buffy closed her eyes and waited. And waited…and waited.

Faith's hand twitched as she held it back, ready to strike. It would be so
easy. Buffy wasn't even looking. She could take her out; she could take
her out so easily. All she had to do was move. All she had to do was hit
her. All she had to do was grow a fucking a spine because her fist just
wouldn't move.

"Fuck B!" Faith swore twirling around angrily. "That's fucking low! Open
your goddamn eyes!"

"If I do that you'll hit me," Buffy responded keeping her eyes firmly shut.

"That's the plan," Faith growled.

"Then I'm not going to open them," Buffy stated firmly. "I don't want to
fight you," Buffy paused. "I also have no desire to be pummeled to death,"
she added.

"What the hell is this?" Faith asked in an exasperated tone. "You chase me
out here like a fucking cougar so that you can what? Nag me to death?
Fucking hand me over to the police and get your honorary deputy's badge?"
she went on. "I'm outta here," she said starting to move around Buffy.

"No!" the blonde Slayer exclaimed reaching out her hand on instinct and
grabbing onto the darker Slayers arm.

"If you don't let go of me, I don't care if you shut your eyes and plug your
ears, I will kick your ass," Faith ground out with barely controlled anger.
Why the fuck couldn't Buffy just leave her alone to crawl off somewhere and
die? Did she take some sort of perverse joy in torturing her, because god
knew she couldn't be doing what she was doing because she gave a damn about
her. There was an angle Faith was missing. She knew it.

"I'll take that chance," Buffy responded softly. "Because I can't let you
go."

"Can't B? I don't fucking think so. Won't is more like it," Faith
responded trying to tug her arm free. "Say sionora," Faith went on raising
her hand. This time she wasn't going to fucking chicken out. She didn't
care if every cell in her body was telling her to just listen to Buffy. She
didn't care if in her heart she wanted to listen to Buffy, wanted to trust
Buffy. All the cared about the inevitable fact that she was going to get
screwed over and she just wasn't fucking up to that at the moment. Her
flying shit deflector was temporarily malfunctioning so she was going to
have to duck out of the way.

"Please Faith," Buffy said with a pleading edge in her voice. "Let me help
you."

"Help me?" Faith asked incredulously. "Help me? What the fuck do you think
you could do to help me? Shoot me this time?" she went on, her voice
involuntarily exhibiting the pain the topic brought her.

Buffy was silent for a moment, the remark hitting its target with a stinging
accuracy.

"I thought that I'd maybe start with a hug," Buffy responded softly. She
had meant the remark to come out with a trace of humor but as it was she
sounded deathly serious, and, she realized, she was.

"A hug?" Faith asked, this time her voice more bewildered than angry. At
least for the moment. "You want to hug me?"

"I…yes, yes I do," Buffy said finally opening her eyes and turning to face
Faith.

"What the fuck are you up to?" Faith asked suspiciously renewing her
struggles. "You're just trying to mess with my head. Make it easier to
screw me over," she went on.

"No," Buffy said not releasing Faith from their gaze. "I just want to help
you. Starting with a hug. No screwing or fucking, or any other verb that
you want to toss out. Just the truth, and nothing but the truth…so help me
god," Buffy went on holding her hand up as if swearing a solemn oath.

"You don't give a flying fuck about me," Faith said in what was intended to
be a harsh whisper, but came out more a heart broken accusation.

"I give many flying fucks about you," Buffy responded a smile slowly making
its way across her face. "And I know that I've done a lousy job of showing
it and of that I am deeply ashamed," she went on. "You also have to admit
that you didn't exactly make it easy for me what with all…" Buffy searched
for a delicate term, "with all of your extracurricular activities," she said
finally settling on a word. "But here now, I'm standing in front of…well
beside you, holding a white flag. I haven't really given the how, or even
the why much thought, but I know that I want to help you…and I know that
somewhere inside of you you want to accept it. Please, listen to the white
guy on your shoulder," Buffy finished in a pleading voice.

"Wha…" Faith started to say and Buffy could see tears beginning to form in
her eyes. "What do you want from me?" she asked turning away from Buffy.
She'd be damned if she were going to let Blondie see her cry.

"Just you," Buffy responded truthfully.

"I can't undo it!" Faith exclaimed whipping her head back around to face
Buffy.

"I know," Buffy said. "I'm not asking you to."

"Then what are you asking me to do?" Faith asked not quite able to hold back
the tears.

"Forgive," Buffy responded wanting nothing more than to wipe the tears from
Faith's face, but reframed knowing that it wasn't quite time yet.

"Who? You?" Faith asked ready to yank her arm away again.

"No," Buffy responded gently. "You."

"Forgive me?" Faith asked her a vile half laugh, half sob erupting from her
throat. "And how the fuck am I suppose to do that? I'm a goddamn
murdering, fucked up, pathetic piece of white trash that's never touched
something without fucking it up! And I'm suppose to forgive myself?"

"Yeah," Buffy responded reaching out this time with her other hand to place
it on Faith's cheek.

"How?" Faith asked losing her internal battle and succumbing to the
tenderness Buffy was offering. "How?"

"I don't know," Buffy said shaking her head. And she didn't. She didn't
even know what she was doing out there, or why she should care about what
happened to Faith, how she could care after all that had happened between
them and all that they had done to each other. But she did care. And she
knew that. It was as inexorable a fact as that she was Buffy Summers. "But
we will…I promise. Together," she said meeting Faith's eyes once again.

In those soulful brown orbs she saw a flicker of resistance, of fear, of
doubt. And then she witnessed the breaking of whatever barrier Faith still
had walled up inside of her, and the next thing she knew the brunette was in
her arms, sobs racking her body. And as Buffy wrapped her arms more tightly
around Faith she felt the burning of tears in her own eyes. She let them
fall. If whatever they had embarked upon was going to work, it had to be an
equal partnership.}

Buffy blinked the ceiling of the dorm coming into view once again. As with
the memory she had just left she could feel tears burning her eyes. Being
wrapped up with Faith, crying her eyes out in the middle of the forest that
day had been one of the most powerful events of her life. It had been
beautiful and terrifying. Freeing, and enveloping. It had been almost
painfully tender, and starkly intimate. She had no words, no thoughts that
could accurately describe the span of emotions she had felt that day. The
depth of emotion that lay there. It had been breathtaking, and it had only
been the beginning on a road that was bound to get bumpier.

{Somehow they had fallen to the ground after wrapping themselves together,
and sometime after that had fallen asleep. Or at least Buffy had, for she
distinctly remembered waking up. Her back hurt like a bitch and her leg was
asleep, and the moment the cobwebs cleared she realized that she was alone.
When this realization hit her panic set in and she quickly sat up fully
intending to look around for Faith.

"Somebody needs to switch to decaf," came the dry observation from somewhere
off to her side. Buffy turned to face the voice, her anxiety lessening even
before she spotted Faith's form sitting a meter to her left. "Good morning,
or afternoon, or evening…or whenever the fuck it is. Someone at the
hospital stole my goddamn watch you know," Faith continued watching as Buffy
woke up.

Buffy reached for hers and started to take it off.

"I don't want your watch B," Faith responded staring hard at the other
Slayer. "'Sides, I've been meaning to learn all that time of day by
position of the sun shit. No time like the present you know."

"I thought you'd taken off," Buffy said crossing her legs after turning to
face Faith. They were both now sitting Indian style.

"Thought about it," Faith admitted. "Could've too, you sleep the dead B,"
she went on. "Someone'd have to whack you upside the head to wake you up."

"Did you think about that too?" Buffy asked, but her tone was light.

Faith just smirked.

"What changed your mind? About leaving I mean," Buffy asked a moment later.

Faith shrugged. "I guess maybe I'm a masochist, but I was thinking maybe
you were telling the truth," she said finally. "And I'm tired of running,"
she added in a smaller voice.

"I'm glad you stayed," Buffy replied honesty.

"Are you really?" Faith asked. "I'm thinking I'm gonna be causing you a lot
more pain than pleasure," she went on. "I don't think the Super Friends are
gonna be too thrilled to hear Hannibal's still around."

"You're probably right," Buffy responded again in all honesty. "This is
going to take some work…on all our parts."

"So?" Faith asked tossing her hands up in the air. "What now?"

"We talk," Buffy responded simply.

"About what?" Faith asked not really liking the sound of the talking idea.

"I'd say we have a variety of subjects to chose from," Buffy responded
dropping her head down to look at her lap.

They were silent for long moments.

"I'm sorry I stabbed you," Buffy said in a rush breaking the silence.

Faith was quiet for a moment then she started to laugh. Buffy looked over
at her sharply.

"That's amusing?" the blonde haired Slayer asked.

"Not it's just…real subtle B," Faith said by way of explanation. "That was
jam packed full of finesse."

"I don't think this conver is going to be all artful and graceful like a
swan," Buffy responded shrugging. "Ugly topics to cover here."

Faith nodded her head once but didn't respond verbally. Again the silence
came.

"Are you really sorry?" Faith asked looking up. "Are you? Or are you just
saying that cause it's the polite thing to do?"

Buffy looked up meeting her eyes.

"I am sorry. I never wanted things to escalate to that point. I never
wanted it to come to that…" Faith interrupted.

"Come on B, you may not have wanted to sishkabob me, but you sure as hell
didn't come over to sing camp songs and make smoores. You wanted to feed me
to un-dead boy," Faith interjected.

Buffy sighed.

"Ugly issues, ugly truths," Faith commented. She wasn't sure if the comment
was directed more at herself or at Buffy.

"Okay," Buffy said sighing deeply. "I didn't go to you with the most
honorable of intentions, I went because I thought it was the only thing I
could do. And I wasn't lying, I never wanted it to come to that, I never
wanted to fight you in a 'do or die' match, but…" Buffy trailed off.

"When the choice was between me and the brooding one there really wasn't a
choice," Faith supplied in the silence.

"It's not that simple," Buffy responded looking up at Faith.

"It never is B," Faith shot back. "But in the crunch, that's when we find
out what's really inside."

Buffy lanced Faith with a harsh gaze and opened her mouth as if to respond,
but then promptly shut it. She wasn't going to have this turn into a grudge
match, but it was too late. Faith could tell from that one look exactly
what Buffy was thinking.

"Say it," Faith demanded. "Go on! Say it!"

"No," Buffy responded refusing to meet the other girls gaze.

"Say it B! In the crunch I turned into a murdering psychotic!" Faith
exclaimed angrily. The funny thing-in a sad way-was that she wasn't even
mad at Buffy, she was mad at herself. She was disgusted with herself
because it was true. She just sunk into the lowest rung possible and sulked
there. Fuck everyone, screw 'em all!

"Your step faltered," Buffy responded finally. "And you had no one to pick
you back up. More accurately I wasn't there to pick you back up," Buffy
continued.

"And left to my own devices I started murdering people," Faith responded.

"Demons," Buffy replied. "You killed mostly demons."

"You know what they say B, it's the thought that counts," Faith retorted.

"Playing the blame game isn't going to get us anywhere," Buffy said blowing
out a frustrated breath. "We both fucked up," she continued. "And I think
we both know it. I also think we've both been beating ourselves up over it
for long enough."

Faith stood up. "You're right. I'm sorry B. I'm sorry I fucked you and
your friends and even fang boy. But I can't just 'I'm sorry' my way out of
this cause I screwed my way into criminal charges and unless I get the fuck
outta here I'm going to spend the rest of life in a cage and I'm not about
to let that happen," she said pacing the area.

"Don't go," Buffy said standing as well.

"I have to," Faith said still not moving from her pacing path. "This isn't
about forgiveness. I forgive you for whatever it is you've convinced
yourself you did to me, and for what I convinced myself you did to me too.
This is about my life and losing it. I'll admit I did some fucked up shit,
but if I'm locked away I'm as good as dead B," Faith went on. "You've gotta
understand that."

"I do," Buffy admitted. "But I also understand that I can't be alone right
now, and I you can't either."

"You've got Kool and the Gang," Faith responded.

"And you?" Buffy responded. "You've got me."

"No, I've got an APB out on me, and I've got to go!" Faith said finally
determined to actually move. She'd been side tracked enough by all of this
emotional shit.

"Stay here, and we'll deal with that," Buffy said reaching out to stop her.

"How?" Faith asked.

Buffy was silent for a moment, then her eyes lit up and the proverbial light
bulb appeared over her head.

"Willow," Buffy breathed out.

"Willow?" Faith asked looking at Buffy like she was a madwoman. "Newflash,
Willow hates me. Deeply hates me," she went on.

"Have you ever seen that Sandra Bullock movie about the computers?" Buffy
asked not even hearing Faith's response.

"Hello? Did you not hear what I said?" Faith asked. "And yes I saw 'The
Net'. Why?"

"Willow could do her computer thing and do what they did to her in the movie
only it would be good in your case," Buffy responded looking over at Faith.

"The police know what I look like," Faith pointed out.

"No they have a general description, which excepting the superhero qualities
could fit a thousand girls. Brown hair, brown eyes, and leather doesn't
really make for a conclusive identification," Buffy retorted.

"Fine, your still missing one key factor," Faith said.

"What?"

"Willow hates my fucking guts. What makes you think that she's going to
give a shit what happens to me? Or that she's going to want to help me?"

Buffy looked at Faith with gentle eyes.

"You really don't know Willow do you?" she asked almost in wonderment.
"She'll help because we're going to ask her to. We're going to ask her
extremely nicely, and she'll do it because it's the right thing to do. And
as much as she dislikes you, she wouldn't do anything to purposefully cause
harm to another human being. That's why," Buffy responded.

Faith was silent for a moment.

"If she says no…I'm gone," Faith said finally. "I mean it, I'm outta here
if she says no."

"Deal," Buffy said. She knew Willow as well as she knew herself, and she
knew that once they talked Willow would help.

"You trust her that much?" Faith asked.

"Yeah," Buffy responded smiling.

Faith shook her head in wonderment. Whatever.

"Fine, let's get with the going then," Faith said heading off into the
woods.}
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That's the end of this part, please, let me know what you think...and
always, thanks for reading:)

Janine

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