Fic: "Forgive if not Forget", Part Five

["jbstories _" <jbstories@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

"Forgive if not Forget"

===================================================================
Disclaimer: All the characters, Buffy, Willow, Giles, Xander, Faith etc.
belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Inc., and Warner Bros. I'm just
borrowing their brilliant creations. I intend no copyright infringement from
my use of their characters, and will receive no monetary or any other
compensation for their use, in any form, of the story that succeeds.
Synopsis: What would have happened if Faith had never escaped on that train
out of Sunnydale? Read on…
Rating: PG-13
Genera: Buffy/Faith
*Note* This story is told largely in flashbacks
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Part Five
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"You were scared," Buffy thought to herself. "Correction, ARE scared," she
amended. If she wasn't scared she wouldn't have been laying in bed for the
past hour or five, reliving memories and trying to re-work the equation to
gave her the wrong answer. Fact was, she knew the truth very well, but was
scared of it. She blew out a frustrated breath. She was going to get
nowhere if she just kept thinking about it. She needed an outside opinion.
She needed to talk. She needed...

"Willow," Buffy said, watching as the door to their room opened, momentarily
illuminating the figure in the doorway before plunging the room back into
darkness.

"Buffy," Willow greeted softly.

"You don't have to whisper," Buffy responded. "I'm awake," she added
smiling.

"Why are you? Awake I mean?" Willow asked. There was a suspicion in her
voice.

"It's not what you think," Buffy responded. "I wasn't waiting up to quiz
you on your extra-Tara-iculars," Buffy continued smiling at her own wit.
"I've just developed a case of insomnia."

Willow was silent for a minute as she crossed over to her bed.

"Are you alright?" she asked finally.

"No," Buffy responded honesty. Her former thoughts were still running
through her head, fresh and invasive. "Everything's changing," she
continued in a softer tone as she shook her head in disillusionment.

Willow was silent for a moment. If the room had been better lit, Buffy
would have been able to see the knowing look on the Hacker's face.

"Is this about you and Faith?" Willow asked.

Buffy looked up at her sharply, but Willow couldn't see her.

"What do you mean?" The Slayer asked guardedly.

"Why don't you tell me?" Willow suggested gently. If they were going to
talk about what was going on Buffy had to be the one to broach the subject.
She had some idea what was happening between the Slayers, but she couldn't
know exactly. What she did know was that if there was one person in the
world who could understand what was happening between the two of them and
how confusing it could be, it was her. She could relate because the same
thing was happening to her.

Buffy was silent and Willow knew that there was going to be a subject
change. As unpredictable as Buffy was, she was predictable in that way.

"You don't have to keep sneaking back in here at all hours of the night, you
know," Buffy said finally, changing the subject as Willow had guessed she
would. "You could as well enjoy the sleeping part of the sleepover."

"I'm not the one who's sneaking around," Willow replied softly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Buffy asked for the second time in about as
many minutes. Her posture stiffened, became more rigid, and she stared
intently at what she could see of Willow's figure.

"I think that you know what it means," Willow replied trying to keep her
voice from wavering. She loathed confrontation scenes, she had gotten
better at them, but she still hated them, hated fighting with Buffy. She
hated the tightening in her stomach that it caused, and the general feeling
of ickiness that it left her with, but sometimes you just have to do what
you have to do.

"Well, I don't think that I do, and since I think what I think, I should
know what I think, but I don't know what you think I think, so...there,"
Buffy responded her own brows drawing together in consternation about
halfway through the sentence.

"You're the one who said that you weren't okay," Willow pointed out trying
to contain the weary sigh that was threatening to escape from her lips.
Sometimes trying to help Buffy was a task of biblical proportion and
difficulty. Even when the Slayer wanted your help, she had to make it
supremely difficult for you to give it to her. It was almost as if she
resented needing to be helped, or at least resented being in a position
where she wasn't the one in charge.

"I didn't mean it," Buffy responded while simultaneously wondering what the
hell was the matter with her. She had been beating herself up over her
current situation for, literally, hours, and now when the opportunity she
had been waiting for finally presented itself, she started to behave like a
big stupid jerk.

Willow didn't respond. She just remained on her bed, silently staring over
at Buffy, who eventually stood up and began to pace.

[Tell her] the voice at the back of Buffy's head screamed at her. Buffy
really hated that voice...because most of the time it was right.

<No> Buffy responded to herself.

[Why?]

<What if she hates me?>

[She's going through the same thing.]

<You don't know that for a fact. Maybe magic is just really very fun.>

[I'll bet it's fun]

<Stop that! We will not talk about Willow in that way.>

[Hey, you're the one that thought it]

<True.>

[You're afraid that she'll tell you what you already know.]

<Nah uh. Willow hates...hated Faith. No way she would tell me that.>

[Well, if that's true then just tell her.]

<I'll take it under consideration. Now, if you'll excuse me I have
wallowing to get back to. It really requires a great deal of
concentration.>

[Fine...coward.]

<What'd you call me...you...me?>

[I called you coward, Coward.]

"Listen buddy," Buffy started poking her finger into thin air.

"Buffy?" Willow questioned worriedly walking up behind her friend who had
been pacing and just basically acting like a weirdo for the past few
minutes. "This is not healthy."

"So it fits perfectly with everything else that has ever happened to me in
life. Great! ...we should go for ice-cream," Buffy responded.

"Tell me. What's going on?" Willow asked reaching out and resting her hand
on Buffy's shoulder. Buffy's shoulder shagged dejectedly as soon as the
hand was placed there.

"What do you want me to tell you?" Buffy asked. "I'm messed up. It's
finally happened, I mean it was bound to. I'm cracking up, loosing my
marbles, my sanity has left the building, I'm outta my mind, I'm two tacos
short of a fiesta platter, I'm falling for Faith, I've fallen and I can't
get up, I'm the one who flew over the cuckoos nest."

"You're falling for Faith?" Willow questioned hesitantly once Buffy had
finished.

"You picked that one out, huh?" Buffy asked.

"You know me, I'm a picker," Willow responded, then frowned as she realized
that the response sounded rather odd, which wasn't really new for either of
them.

They both moved over to their respective beds and sat down.

"So...Faith?" Willow asked. She had had an idea where this had been going,
but having an idea, and being told something were completely different
animals. When it was just in her head, it was just that. It was
speculation, and while it may have been based on some pretty good
observations, it wasn't proof and it wasn't true. But now it was true.

"Yep," Buffy responded looking at her feet.

"Faith."

"Yep."

"Whoa."

"Yep."

"Falling?"

"'Fraid so."

"In love?"

"That would be the one."

"Percentage 'til completion of download?"

"Close...very close."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Whoa."

"Yep."

"I need a minute," Willow replied.

"Take your time," Buffy responded.

"Wow," Willow said finally.

"I know," the Slayer said shaking her head. "I sure can pick 'em, huh?"

"What about..."

"Riley?" Buffy guessed interrupting Willow. "Good question...you know if I
had let you finish."

"Well?"

"I like him," Buffy said knowing that it wasn't much of an answer. "He's a
great guy, sweet, caring, sensitive, sexy, yadda, yadda, yadda," Buffy
continued.

"But?" Willow questioned.

"I don't wonder how his day is going; I don't think it's cute that his
writing doesn't touch the lines of the paper; the way he says 'chowder'
doesn't make me smile. He doesn't have this innate understanding of my
feelings even when I don't; he can't look into my eyes and tell what I'm
thinking. I can't look into his eyes and tell what he's thinking," Buffy
responded. "He's like oatmeal."

"Oatmeal?"

"Yeah. Everyone likes oatmeal, you know, but nobody really LOVES it. It's
like when you're a kid and you come down for breakfast and you see oatmeal.
You're like 'oh, oatmeal'. You're not disappointed but you're not exactly
thrilled either. It's just kind of...there."

"Oh," Willow said. "Oatmeal."

"Yeah," Buffy responded.

"And Faith?" the hacker questioned a moment later.

"Like a Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's," Buffy responded.

"You love those things," Willow stated.

"That's kinda the point Will," Buffy said smiling as she looked up and over
at her friend.

"Oh," Willow said.

"Yeah," Buffy responded.

"Seems like the choice is pretty clear," Willow responded a moment later.

"What do you think?" Buffy asked, a bit of the uncertainty she felt creeping
into her voice.

"It's not my life," Willow responded softly. "Only you can really know what
the right decision is."

"You think I should stay with Riley," Buffy said still looking at Willow.

"I didn't say that," Willow responded.

"But that's who you would choose," Buffy said not relenting.

"Buffy it doesn't matter who I would choose. The truth is, I wouldn't
choose either of them," Willow responded. Buffy frowned. "Who do you think
about when you wake up in the morning?" Willow asked.

"Both of them. In the morning is when the worrying begins," Buffy
responded.

"But whose face flashes into your mind and makes you smile when you first
get up?" Willow questioned.

Buffy was silent for a moment.

"Faith," she responded softly. She could see Willow's back straighten out
the corner of her eyes, and she could hear the hacker's intake of breath.
"You still don't like her, do you?" Buffy questioned changing the subject
for a moment.

"I like her fine," Willow responded. "In time, I'm sure I'll even like her
good. I can see the change in her, and I know that she's not the same
person she was before. Still, she's...Faith...and I don't want to see you
hurt."

"You're assuming that she wants me too," Buffy said in response to the
'hurting' comment.

"I don't think that's a very big assumption," Willow responded rolling her
eyes. "And you know it." Willow paused for a moment. "You'd need ten
Slayers to hack through the bulk of sexual tension between the two of you."

Buffy smiled. There was an undeniable electricity in the air, crackling
between her and Faith whenever they were around each other. Even back when
things were bad and they were on opposite sides of the fence; there was a
connection, an attraction between the two of them.

"You think she'd hurt me?" Buffy questioned softly.

"She's never struck me as the most monogamous of individuals," Willow
responded gently. Buffy dropped her head down again so that her eyes were
facing the floor. Willow wasn't saying anything that hadn't crossed her
mind already.

"I think she loves me," Buffy said a moment later. "Sometimes, when we're
together, she looks at me...and in her eyes there's this...this...tenderness
and infinite longing."

"I could believe that," Willow said. Two months ago, if Buffy had said
this, Willow would have thought that she was insane, but she had seen a
softer side of Faith since the darker Slayer had returned. She imagined
that what she had glimpsed was nothing compared to what Buffy had seen, but
it was enough to make her believe that Faith was capable of genuine
emotions, and that if she could love anyone, that person would be Buffy.

"And?" Buffy questioned anxiously.

"Buffy you know her better than I do," Willow responded desperately trying
to get out of answering the question.

"Will, please."

"I don't know if--"

"It'll be enough," Buffy finished for her. Once again this was nothing new.
Buffy stood up and began to pace again. "There are a million reasons I
should just try to forget about this."

"If you could, wouldn't you already have?" Willow asked.

Buffy glanced back at her but didn't say anything. Willow was right, if it
was that easy she would have done it already. But she couldn't just shut
off her heart, she couldn't shut out the love that she felt. She felt her
mind begin to wander.

{As the vampire combusted into a pile of smoke, the branch Buffy had used to
stake him, which also happened to be the branch she was using to balance
herself with, was freed from the mass of his body, and she went tumbling
down to the ground. As her ass hit the ground, rather painfully, an 'oomph'
made its way out of her, before she decided to just sit there and hurt. Not
only was she now convinced that she had broken her ass, but she could feel
that blood from the cut on her leg was oozing out, saturating her pants, and
running down her leg. Overall, she did not feel good.

"Buffy!" she heard Faith yell her name with a touch of panic in her voice.
'Though,' she considered, 'laying motionless in a pool of your own blood
usually didn't inspire calm in people. Panic is a perfectly reasonable
response.'

"Buffy," Faith said again dropping down beside the injured Slayer.

Buffy's brow creased.

"You called me Buffy," she said. "Not, B or Short Stuff, but Buffy. You
used my whole name," she went on. "Am I dead?"

"Not if I have anything to say about it," Faith responded gruffly. She
didn't deal well with panic. She would have expected she'd have gotten used
to it and been an old hand at it by now, but in spite of that, she didn't
deal well with it at all. "Where are you hurt?"

"Well," Buffy said thoughtfully. "I'm pretty sure that I fractured my ass,"
she continued grimacing. "And my leg has been lacerated. I'm not sure how
bad it is."

"I'm gonna need to take a gander," Faith responded, moving down from Buffy's
side, so that she was kneeling by her legs. "If you're a good little girl,
I'll get you a 'lolly affawords'," she continued, her voice dropping into
baby speak.

Despite the pain her in her posterior end and her leg, Buffy smiled. It
always amazed her how Faith could do that.

"Just check the frigging cut," Buffy responded. Faith smirked at her then
looked down at Buffy's legs.

Tilting her head to the side, Buffy was able to see all of Faith's
ministrations. With an endless tenderness Faith began to roll up Buffy's
pant leg so that she could see the damage. The process took about twice as
long as it should have, because of how careful Faith was being not to make
contact with Buffy's skin. When she finally got the leg clear of material,
so that she could see the cut, her hands were covered in blood.

Shifting back, Faith had then proceeded to remove her jacket. Once she had
it off, she looked around them and then down at her tank top. She could
hardly see Buffy's leg through all of the blood. She had to clean it away.
Finally she shrugged and grabbed the helm of the top and started to rip it.
She continued to do this until she now had a mid-rift.

"Faith," Buffy started to protest when she saw what the girl was getting
ready to do.

"I got a thousand of these things," Faith had responded not stopping her
motions. That wasn't quite true anymore, but that didn't matter to her. If
it was her shirt or Buffy, she would have ripped the thing to shreds.

She managed to clear away the blood with a minimum of discomfort to Buffy,
then she leaned back and observed the damage for a moment.

"Prognosis?" Buffy asked watching the almost scholarly look on Faith's face
as she looked at her leg. Kneeling there, Faith didn't look like a vampire
Slayer or a troublemaker, or bad girl or whatever else people would describe
her as being. She looked like a surgeon before a big operation.

"B is a big baby," Faith responded turning her attention to Buffy with a
smile. "You got a hang nail you want me to look at?" she went on before
turning her attention back to the cut. "It's not that bad," she said
seriously a moment later. "You'll need stitches."

"Damn," Buffy muttered. She hated getting stitches. Mostly because Giles
had the sewing skills of a bricklayer.

"I got it covered," Faith said moving back up so that she was kneeling by
Buffy's face.

Buffy looked at her dubiously. Despite the very knowledgeable gaze Faith
had been giving her leg earlier she wasn't sure how she felt about the girl
attacking her leg with a needle.

"Your mom home?" Faith asked when Buffy didn't respond.

"Not tonight," Buffy responded carefully. "Why?"

"She got a liqueur cabinet?" Faith asked ignoring Buffy's question.

"Yes," Buffy responded suspiciously. "Why?"

"Cause we're going to your house and we're gonna need some alcohol," Faith
responded.

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you drinking before you try and stitch me
up," Buffy responded.

"It's not for me," Faith responded giving Buffy a look. "Up we go," she
then said, scooping Buffy up into her arms.

Buffy looked up at Faith's face, which was only an inch from hers, fully
intending to protest but Faith quieted her.

"I've got you B," the dark Slayer said softly. "No worries."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Buffy watched as Faith cut the thread and leaned back to look up at her.
Faith had carried her all the way, from the cemetery she had been injured
in, to her house. Buffy knew how strong Faith was since she herself was in
the same strata; she also knew that even with that strength, carrying her
all the way home had to have been a strain. Still, not once did Faith act
as if they were on anything but a midnight stroll.

They were now in her room, she was lying on her bed, and Faith was kneeling
on the floor in front of the bed.

"This is a fine piece of work," Faith said looking at her handy. "Who the
fuck needs an HMO?"

Buffy smiled and watched as Faith got up off of the floor.

"Where did you learn how to do that?" Buffy asked softly. Faith was right,
she had done an excellent job. Buffy doubted a doctor could have done it
any better. Not only would there not be a scar, but it had been a
relatively painless experience.

"I have many skills," Faith responded. Buffy noticed a shadow cross over
the Slayer's features, but as soon as it appeared it was gone again. Faith
bent down and picked up the towels and bottles of alcohol she had used to
clean the cut. "I'm gonna go take care of these...stay put." With that she
was out of the door.

As soon as she had exited the room, Faith let out the breath she had been
holding since Buffy had asked her the question. For a moment she hadn't
been able to hold off the flood of memories that had attacked her upon
hearing Buffy's query, but she had managed to get it under control. She
didn't want to think about how she had learned to do what she could, she
just wanted to be glad that she had been able to help Buffy, so that's what
she was going to do, she decided as she headed for the stairs. She wasn't
going to focus on the negative--that had gotten her nowhere in the past--she
was going to focus on the positive. She had to.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When's your mom coming back?" Faith asked perching on the edge of Buffy's
bed.

"Tomorrow morning," Buffy responded. "This morning I guess. She was only
going to check out a piece."

Faith nodded her head.

"How's your leg?"

"Good," Buffy responded. And it was true.

"How's your ass?" Faith asked smiling widely.

"Not so good," Buffy responded.

"I could take a look at it for you," Faith offered with a completely serious
face.

"I think you've looked at it enough," Buffy replied.

Faith was quiet. That was perhaps the most direct Buffy had been referring
to the attraction between them since that night in front of Giles'
house--that night in front of Giles' house that Buffy had refused to talk
about.

"Just a suggestion," Faith responded finally. She stood up. "I should get
going."

"Get going where?" Buffy questioned sitting up. "You're staying."

"I am?" Faith asked. "Nobody told me this."

"I just did," Buffy responded.

"Your mom..." Faith said looking at the door and trailing into silence.

"Knows that you're back and she's wanted to see you for a while now. You
have to face her sooner or later."

"Well, I'd rather it not be after her daughter almost bled to death and
there's a pile of bloody laundry in her hamper," Faith replied.

"Oh well," Buffy said. "You're staying."

"It's not exactly like you're in a position to make me," Faith pointed out.

"That's true enough," Buffy responded. "But you're still gonna stay."

"Why?"

"Because I'm asking you to," Buffy said meeting Faith's gaze.

Faith sighed. She was going to stay.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"This isn't a good idea," Faith said as she pulled back the blanket to
Buffy's bed.

"This is a sleepover, and this is sleepover procedure which makes it an
excellent idea," Buffy replied patting the spot beside her.

"That's not what I meant," Faith responded still not getting into the bed.
"And you know it."

Buffy sighed. "I trust you. Listen we're both adults here. We'll I'm an
adult," Buffy said proudly, "and you're almost one."

Faith just looked at the bed uncomfortably.

"What the hell am I supposed to do? Just lay there? Beside you?" she asked
as if it was the most ridiculous concept she had ever heard.

"Haven't you ever slept in the same bed with someone else without having sex
with them?" Buffy asked.

"No," Faith responded. "And I don't want to get in there."

"If it makes it easier, we're not going to have sex," Buffy told her.

"Yeah, I figured as much," Faith said avoiding Buffy's gaze. "I'm not going
to be able to sleep, just...laying there beside you."

"How do you know?" Buffy questioned. If asked why she was being so
insistent she would have said that she didn't know. But the truth was she
did know. She wanted to be close to Faith. She wanted to feel her warmth
and her strength, and yes, her love. And she wanted to repay some of the
tenderness Faith had shown her only hours before.

"You're like one of those little yippee dogs that just keep yipping until
you want to kick them, you know that right?" Faith said sitting down on the
bed but still not getting under the covers.

"You always know just what to say," Buffy responded smiling. "Lie down."

"I don't like these clothes," Faith said. "The pants are too short and they
make me look like a 'Fame' reject," she went on. "They are very, very
dorky."

"Lie down," Buffy said again ignoring the tirade.

"Fine," Faith responded. "But I'm doing this under protest."

"I'll take it," Buffy responded. "I'll take it."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Faith," Buffy said softly in the quietness of the room.

"What?" the other Slayer asked moodily.

"You're supposed to sleep at a sleepover," Buffy answered.

"I can't," Faith responded. "Why don't you just go to sleep and I'll guard
you?"

"You're tired," Buffy replied.

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. I can feel it," Buffy responded. And it was true. "Do you
want to talk about it?"

"You and your friends never get tired of the talking do you. You guys would
mourn the opening of an envelope by 'talking' about it. I on the other hand
would just toss the damn thing away," Faith responded.

"Well," Buffy started slowly. "Since my friends like to talk so much, and
you're one of my friends, you must want to talk. So...what's bothering
you?"

"Besides you?" Faith asked regretting it the moment it came out of her
mouth.

Silence greeted her, and then stretched on until she couldn't take it
anymore.

"I'm sorry B," Faith said finally. Still nothing. "I just don't want to
talk about it. It's not exactly a fuzzy memory."

"But it's part of you," Buffy responded. "And it's hurting you...which
hurts me."

"You want to know where I learned to how to stitch up cuts like a pro?"
Faith asked flipping the blanket off her. "Fine I'll tell you!"

"Faith," Buffy started to say. This wasn't how she wanted to do it.

"No! You want to know, fine. I'll fucking tell you," Faith said her voice
hitching. "My father was an alcoholic bastard, with rage issues or whatever
the fuck you want to call them, and would go out and get drunk every night.
Since he was such a little fuck he could never beat the hell out of the
people who really pissed him off so he'd come home and let off the steam.
He'd beat or cut my mom with whatever was handy when he walked in the door
before passing out like the useless waste of space that he was. It's not
like we could have afforded to take her to the hospital every time he went
at her, and even if we could have he never would've gone for that. So it
became my job to clean her up and take care of the serious injuries.

"The work on your leg is the result of too many fucking years of practicing
on my mom, and my own goddamn self."

Buffy, who had gotten out of the bed as well when Faith started to speak,
came up behind the brunette and placed her hand on her shoulder. She didn't
know what to say. She didn't think that there was anything that could be
said. So she did the only thing that she could think of. She wrapped her
hands around Faith's waist and pulled her into what she hoped was a
affectionate embrace that conveyed that despite all that happened, and
despite what Faith thought she deserved or didn't deserve, that she was
there for her.

"Why the hell do you do that?" Buffy heard Faith ask even as the other girl
relaxed into the embrace.

"Because you need it, and because I want to be the one to do it," Buffy
responded gently.

"I'm not worth the effort," Faith replied stiffening.

"I think you are," Buffy responded.

"I'm a pain in the ass," Faith told her.

"Not compared to the pain in my ass," Buffy responded chuckling. And though
she couldn't see it, Faith smiled too.

Faith was silent for a moment, then she turned around in Buffy's arms so
that they were facing either other.

"Thank you," she said softly. Buffy could tell it was an effort for her.

"Your welcome," Buffy responded.}
=====================================================================

-------------
I may look like I'm doing
nothing, but at the cellular
level I'm really quite busy.
-------------
Anything worth fighting for
is worth fighting dirty for.
-------------
"If you have love in your life
it can make up for a great many
things you lack. If you don't
have it, no matter what else there
is, it's not enough." - Ann Landers
-------------
"The secret of becoming a star, is
knowing how to behave like one" from
"Velvet Goldmine"
--------------
If someone ever catches you talking to
yourself, the best thing to do is point
at a chair and say, "He started it!"
That way they won't think you're
crazy.
------------
"Never wrestle with a pig. You
both get all dirty, and the pigs
like it!"
-----------

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