Senior Executive Committee of List Gutter Affairs Announcement

["Shadowlander" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

From: The desk of the Director of Public Safety
To: All List Members
Subject: General Announcements

Greetings,
I'll try to keep this short and to the point and get all of you back to you daily fanfic-reading and mischief making as soon as
possible. It has come to my attention that several disturbing and shocking rumours have been circulating on the list lately. In
the interest of List Safety, it is my duty as Director of Public Safety to address such matters quickly and efficiently as possible.

Item 1:
Reports have been coming in about a Riley-shaped fungus demon roaming the lower levels of the gutter. I assure everyone that the
matter is being investigated and all necessary precautions are being taking at this time. There is no need for panic or a need to
activate the List's Emergency Response Teams and Lynch Mob. Our Security Forces in the List Gutter are attending to the matter and
are requesting that everyone watches where they step while moving about the lower levels and for the love of God - DON'T touch it!
We don't know where this Riley-shaped fungus demon has been or what it has been drinking...there is no telling what diseases it may
be carrying.

Item 2:
While the Riley-shaped fungus demon is.... well Riley-shaped, there is no proof that it is in anyway related to the Walsh-shaped
brain sucker that was killed by the List's Emergency Response Team and Lynch Mob last month. Or to the ex-commando boy of the same
name for that matter granted there have been no reported sightings of the two together but as of yet we have no proof of the two
creatures being one and the same. Again we are advising caution and calm thinking here, the matter is being looked into.

Item 3:
On the subject of wet noodles - all handling and tortures by wet noodles will be conducted by the Committee's Chief of Security and
Wet Noodle Master of the Universe, Quin, all other handling of wet noodles is strictly prohibited. Quin is a master noodle torturer
and has been trained to weld the wet noodles of death, for public safety we ask that all requests for "noodle torture" be forwarded
to him and he will get to your request as soon as humanly possible. It is very easy to put out an eye when mishandling the wet
noodles of death and/or injuring innocent bystanders.

Item 4:
Will the Undercover Gutter-dwelling Scooter Trash please cease and desist riding his scooter up and down the lower levels of the
gutter yelling expletives at the Riley-shaped fungus demon? It has not been proven that the Riley-shaped fungus demon is able to
comprehend the English language no matter how loud it is yelled. Also it has been requested that our Undercover Gutter-dwelling
Scooter Trash please reframe from doing naughty things to a former-cheerleader and May Queen of Sunnydale High's class of '99, or in
the very least pull over to the side of the gutter while doing the aforementioned naughty things. You nearly ran over the list
representatives from the Buffy/Riley Lets All Get Along Organization last time.

Item 5:
To the Unofficial Roamer of the List Gutter, while it is commendable that you are determined to spread the social awareness of the
evils of green eggs and ham, will you please reframe from joining the aforementioned Undercover Gutter-dwelling Scooter Trash in
yelling, admittedly creative, expletives at the Riley-shaped fungus demon or the unfaithful hair bag known as Mutt-boy? First off,
it is rather unfair of you to enter into a battle of wits with beings that have shown all the signs of being brain-dead. And
second, that one suggestion about Mutt-boy's parentage and possible carnal relations with a lame duck is not physically possible...
even if you do turn your head to the side and think about it for long periods of time.

Item 6:
The Senior Executive Committee of List Gutter Affairs is open to all those wishing to join. Also will all members of the Committee
please notify me of their job titles and duties on the Committee? I'm pretty sure we have a Director of Personal but I haven't the
faintest idea on who it is at the moment.

Item 7:
Committee meetings will be posted as soon as the staff gets itself sorted out and will be open to all those interested in sitting in
on the meetings.

That is all, thank you for your time, we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

Shadow
Director of Public Safety of the Senior Executive Committee of List Gutter Affairs and vampire teddy bear

"I do not brood, I reflect"