Fic. "No Return" 'PG-13'

["A.M. Glass" <glasswrks@xxxxxxxxx>]

Title: "No Return"
Author: A.M Glass
E-mail: glasswrks@xxxxxxxxx
Copyright: August 19th, 2000
Rating: 'PG-13'
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, Joss does. The
story however is mine.
Author's Note: I don't have any idea if you'll like
this. This has taken a few days to write, it really
had no form to speak of. Just random thoughts that
finally turned into what you're about to read. It's
not beta'd, so, any mistakes are mine and mine alone.
Dist: Gary, Bill, Kim, iamthespark, Quin, etc.
ANGST WARNING: Oh yeah, lots of it. I would like to do
a 'happy' story someday soon, and this just isn't the
one.
Feedback: Yes please. I'd really like to know what you
thought about it, good, bad or indifferent.

****

I've been at this point before; the point of no
return, so many times, that I've lost count over the
years.

And each time, I've turned back, afraid of the
future...

Afraid of what it'll hold for me.

I've had the chance to look back, and I've mourned the
missed opportunities...

For Love...

Wealth...

And even...

Power.

I've made up my mind, not to miss the power or wealth
as much, as I still have time for those... if I want.

But Love.

That's something I should have grabbed onto with both
hands and never let it slip through my fingers; like
so many grains of sand.

We've all heard it before: "Oh, I've loved, been loved
over my life."

The funny thing is, that it's the truth.

But, I'm thinking back to the one I let get away.

The sad thing is... I had it.

Right here, in my hands...

And, it was everything I dreamt it could be.

It was passionate, sexy, fulfilling, comforting,
rewarding, in a word: "Perfect."

And I think that's where the problem was. It was too
much of a good thing. I know you're wondering, you
might even be frowning at that comment. I mean, how
can anyone have too much of a good thing. It's not
possible.

I am here to say, it is.

I couldn't tell you when, couldn't pin-point the exact
moment I thought to myself, 'There's something wrong.'
'Cause quite frankly, even I don't know when it
happened, not at first.

I suppose I can say it was a gradual thing, how it was
like an undetected disease, the longer it took before
I noticed...

Well...

Anyway, as I said, it started gradually. Some silly
fight; that was over nothing, was left to fester. And
we both know what happens with those fights, don't we.
Those were the ones that always managed to make it
into any other fight we might have had.

The 'I-can't-believe-you're-bringing-that-up-again'
moment.

I can only wish that the fighting was the only
problem. It would have been something 'fixable'. You
fight, then you make up.

And believe me, ooh, making up was a very good thing.
I don't, and can't call it 'make-up sex'. Because with
you...

It was never just 'sex'.

Yes, we've had sex before...

That...

'All-or-nothing, twisting, turning, pillows and
blankets-shoved-to-the-floor, no-holds-barred, sweaty,
gasping-for-air, parched, bruised,
cramping-from-being-in-one-spot-for-too-long,
return-to-the-land-of-the-living-after-having-a-mind-
shattering-orgasm-sex.'

But, most of the time, we made love. At least I'd like
to have thought so.

The kind you've read about, dreamt of, can't believe
that you've actually found someone who loves you as
much as you love them, love. The one that connects
you're souls together for that brief moment when
you're at your most vulnerable, when the universe
revolves around you and no one else. You remember,
that kind that gave you goose-bumps just thinking
about it, the one that makes you forget everything
else, except how you felt...

Sorry, lost myself for a moment.

It was the fight, and all the ones that came after
that managed to drive a wedge between us...

Not to mention that you had fallen for someone else.

I should have seen it coming, but, I must have had my
blinders on, or I just flat out refused to recognize
the signs. First, it was, 'I have to stay and help
her' and I went along with it, because it was a part
of your past history together. Then came the lack of
physical contact, we might have shared the same bed,
but you'd never know it.

I actually thought it was something 'I' had done.
Some, 'wrong' I had committed, and I wracked my brain
trying to figure out what it was so that I could
apologize for it. Hell, I even asked you, and all I
got was:

"It's not you, it's me."

I hate those words.

It was months before I found a hint that all was not
perfect in paradise.

I was getting ready to drop off your business suits at
the dry cleaners, and for some reason; even to this
day, I don't know why, I brought one of your blouses
to my face. A flashing red light went off in my head.

"Danger... danger... danger!"

Kind of like the robot from 'Lost In Space'. I half
expected Will Robinson and Dr. Smith to pop up and ask
for my help.

You see, it wasn't 'your' perfume I smelled. I know,
you might have just gone out and bought a new
fragrance. But, I also knew that someone else, someone
you were always close to, also wore the same thing.

I tried to push it aside, believe me I tried. I
thought of every logical way it could have gotten on
your blouse. You hugged good-bye... for a very long
time. You two were always hugging or touching in
someway that was completely normal for you two. I was
getting worked up over nothing.

So I thought.

Or so I silently prayed.

It's not easy finding out that the person that you
loved more than anything else in the world no longer
feels the same. I didn't want to believe it. Looking
back, I can 'see' all the signs now.

The 'looks' you two gave to each other when you
thought I wasn't looking, how conversations seemed to
stop whenever I entered the room. How you two would
suddenly move away from each other.

I think the others knew and didn't know what to do
about it.

Anya tried to tell me, I can see that now. She tried
on more than one occasion, but Xander or Giles stopped
her from saying anything.

I wished they hadn't.

So, instead of finding out like most of us do, from
well-meaning friends...

I...

I had to find out the hard way.

No... I know what you're thinking...

That I had walked in on you two, and you never knew.

No, nothing as simple as that.

I had to make a phone call, so, I picked-up the
telephone receiver in the kitchen...

And...

I heard...

Umm...

I... umm... I list-listened for a wh-while...

Do you know what it's like to hear the voice of the
woman you love say:

"I love you too."

To someone else?

Don't misunderstand me... I've heard you both say it
before...

But...

Never...

"Do you think she knows?"

You went on for a-another five minutes before you
finally hung up. I replaced the receiver and sat down
at the kitchen table. I guess you could say I was in
shock. I snapped out of it as soon as you came into
the kitchen. I knew what you were going to say, I
could hear the lie, and each word you spoke sent a
dagger into my heart.

I tried not to flinch as you gave me a kiss good-bye
on the cheek. It was the first time in over a month
you'd done anything like that.

Had I not heard the telephone conversation, I would
have thought that things were turning around for us.
I'm not really sure how long I sat there after you
left. I got up and made a few phone calls. I asked as
soon as he picked up the phone:

"Did you know about them?"

Bless his kind heart, he tried to fumble his way
around answering the question. He really is the nicest
man I've ever met. But, I had to ask him again. I
could hear his sigh over the phone, and I had my
answer.

Of course being the man that he is, he told me not to
do anything rash, that you could explain, etc...
etc... etc.

I hated to hang up on him, but I had another call to
make.

Xander picked up the phone this time, and I asked to
speak with Anya, as soon as she got on I asked her:

"How long has it been going on?"

"At least six months."

"Thank you"

And I hung up.

I let the phone ring as I packed my bags. I knew I
couldn't take everything, so, I only took what I
needed. I took one last look around 'our' home, then I
locked the door, and slipped the keys through the
mail-slot and left.

I knew I couldn't stay at any hotels or motels. I knew
who I had joined with, you'd look for any activity on
my credit cards as soon as you knew I had left, I'm
not a total fool.

I made one last phone call from the supermarket and
ten minutes later I was placing my bags in the back
seat, before slipping into the passengers side of the
car.

Mrs. Summers was furious at first, but I told her not
to be, that what I really needed was a place to stay.
And as callous as this might sound, I knew they'd
never look for me at her place. I asked her for
seventy-two hours, three days, before she said
anything. She reached out for my hand and agreed to
help me, that was when the tears finally fell.

We arrived at her house and she made up the couch for
me, as the only other room was Buffy's. I know she
didn't hear me toss and turn, but, I think it was my
crying that got her downstairs, she held me.

The phone rang around three in the morning.

"No... I haven't seen her, of course I'll let you know
the minute she calls," she'd said.

I could see how hard it was for her, you could tell
she wanted to tell her daughter to come over right now
and explain to her how she could have done something
like this.

"I'm so sorry," she told me after she hung up. And she
was.

I told her I had to get out of town, and how it wasn't
going to be easy. I had thought about using the buses,
but you'd probably have them covered, I know I would
have.

I was at my wits end, when Mrs. Summers came to my
rescue. She offered to drive me out of town.

"Won't that seem suspicious?" I asked her as we had
dinner in the kitchen the second night I was there.

She told me that there was a shipment in Los Angeles
that she needed to get and that it just so happened
that she would be leaving in the morning. I listened
as she spoke to Buffy over the phone, she acted
surprised when she heard that I had disappeared.

There was nothing left for me to do, but wait til
morning. I spent most of the night wondering if I
should get in touch with you at all. That's when I
decided to write to you.

Joyce; she makes me call her that now, has told me
that she would give you this when she returns. She
won't know where I've gone to, so don't bother her
anymore than I already have.

I... I know that this isn't some fling, for either of
you.

And don't think for a moment that I'm letting you go
for the sake of what you share with Buffy...

I'm not.

I want to say I hate you both for what you've done,
not only to me, but for what we shared together. We
should be very glad that Anya doesn't have her powers.
I'm sure that the spite I feel for you will fade... in
time.

Do you have any idea of what you've put Xander, Giles
and Anya through? You've put them in the middle of a
situation that has no winners, you maybe with Buffy,
but you'll have to contend with the looks, and the
lectures, everything they can throw at you and more. I
don't envy you that.

Giles... I feel so bad for him.

He isn't going to know how to deal with his part in
all of this. He knew, and he did nothing.

I'll have to write to him later, I don't want him to
take on more than he should. He probably did talk to
you both...

I'm going to miss Xander and Anya...

Xander's heart is always in the right place, and I
thank Anya for telling me the truth, when no one else
would.

I can't believe you did this...

I'm not sure how Joyce and Buffy are going to work
things out with each other, but that's not my problem,
it's hers...

It's yours as well.

It's time to go...

Don't look for me, you won't find me.

Tara.

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