Re: [buffywantswillow] List Gutter Safety Report

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO: The Director of Public Safety
FROM: The United Vegetable Empire
SUBJECT: List Gutter Safety Report


> Item 2:
> Regarding the request from the Guttershoreman's Union and the
> Gutter-Canadian Benevolent Society be permitted to break the kneecaps of
> all persons who spam the beloved list with very heavy, very versatile
> slabs of Maple Cured Back Bacon, the most fierce weapon in the Canadian
> Arsenal, has also been denied. While such an event would be most
> enjoyable to watch and recorded for posterity. I have already had
> threats of mass protest and/or riots from the List Gutter Swine, {yes we
> have swine in the gutter - how else are we to harvest truffles at night
> without them?} who see pork products being used as weapons - no matter
> how just the cause - is a racial slur and down right insensitive.

The matter of the spammers has been taken care of, although not in the form
of broken kneecaps. The UVE has had a word with the tree roots dwelling in
the vicinity of the spammer's sewer lines, and the resulting plumbing
problems should keep them busy for quite some time. We felt this penalty to
be appropriate to the nature of the crime.


> Item 3:
> Regarding the reported hostilities between the little red fox in the
> Woods Outback and newcomer to the woods one Kermit the Frog, I have
> spoken to both parties at great length. And while the little red fox
> has no great love for frogs in general, still angry over the whole
> Michigan J. Frog incident last summer, Kermit is apparently a friend of
> hers and will always consider him as such. As for the reported rumours
> of hostility between the bunny slayer and one Miss Piggy, those rumours
> are regretfully true. Apparently Miss Piggy has been conducting
> unauthorized patrols in the Woods Outback and taunting the demonic
> cabbage patch, which has lead to a lot of mistrust between the forest
> animals and the possessed cabbages.
>
> While there is, at the moment, no peaceable resolution to this matter,
> the offer from the Badger, hanging out in the big oak by the path
> leading to town, to have a kickboxing tournament to decide the "patrol
> rights" of Miss Piggy has been taken under consideration. All proceeds
> from the match will go to the Home for Wayward Forest Critters and the
> Society of Traumatized Wildlife by the Crock Hunter... both very worth
> wild causes.

If the denizens of the Woods Out Back would give permission for a small
hunting foray into their territory by the demonic cabbages, the Miss Piggy
problem would be taken care of. Although Kermit might be upset by the results.



tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)