FIC: Musings of Love and Life

[Patrick Kelly <bandits@xxxxxxxxx>]

Title: Musings of Love and Life
Author: Pat Kelly
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Buffy's POV. Really no more explanation needed.
Spoilers: Primeval, Out of Mind, Season 5 up till now, really
Disclaimer: All hail Joss and his army of Mutant Enemies. I do not own. I make no money.
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We've both known for awhile. Ever since I came to - after the energy of all the previous
slayers left me - actually. It's strange. I feel connected to them, to my powers. Like
we're part of a large family. It started with Kendra, and it continued with Faith. I could
never be as dedicated as Kendra though, or as rebellious as Faith. I'm in the middle.
Maybe that's why I've survived as long as I have.

Up until now it's just been a job, something I had to do. People needed saving, and I
happened to be the savior. I didn't pick it, but I had to accept it. I felt good doing the
rescuing, superhero thing, and I got the responsibility angle...God knows Giles never let
me forget it, but I never understood what it meant. I was two people. "Slayer Buffy" went
on patrol and killed demons, kept the Hellmouth from erupting, and was totally focused.
Then there was "Person Buffy."

The one who was able to have a life and have friends on rare occasions. You wanna talk
duel personalities? They clashed often, believe me.

So back to my original point. Yes, there is a point. The First Slayer, the spell, the
power, the connection. They all helped me understand. I do now. No more "Two Buffys". It's
not just a job anymore. I am the Slayer. I am Buffy Summers. They're the same person.
They've bonded. I mean, it *is* a job, but it's not. Get it? I don't have hours. I don't
get time off. I'm on call twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Like the CVS
Pharmacy people. Okay, as far as analogies go...and we're moving right along.

Do you understand how much of a relief this is? To finally be content with who I am for
the first time in my entire life? It's kind of like going through life with a constant
pain in your stomach, and you refuse to go to the doctor, even though you know you'll feel
so much better if you face the problem and deal with it. And one day you finally go to the
doctor, find out it's gall stones, and you have to get your gall bladder removed. Then you
go in for surgery, and afterwards you feel...fine.

I've been watching those surgery shows on TV, okay? It's gross, but it's very informative.
How do they get the camera in that close?

Just so we're clear, I'm saying that I'm relieved. You know what else? If being the slayer
conflicts with my fun, I don't care. I go out and slay cause I want to now. Not cause it's
on the schedule, or cause Giles tells me to, but I enjoy doing it. I enjoy watching their
faces crumble to nothing before my eyes, cause I know I've kicked one more vampire off the
face of the Earth. They'll keep coming, but I'll just keep improving and becoming
stronger, faster, and quicker than they are. Eventually, I will close the Hellmouth with
my friends at my side.

This higher purpose stuff is pretty cool.

There's a dark side to my powers. I'm aware. Dracula might have been manipulative, and
sexy, but he wasn't a liar. At least not about that. The First Slayer was proof enough of
the badness. But I'll deal with it. I've got a support group. Giles, Mom, Xander Willow,
even Tara and Anya. You'll notice I left out Dawn. They're more important to me now then
ever. They've accepted me, and stuck by me. Even when I was absent last year, they were
still with me. I'm lucky I didn't lose them, and as long as I have them, I know I'll be
fine.

I left out somebody else, too. Now I'm really going to get to the point. Everything's
changing. I'm embracing my slayerness, and I'm heavy into the studying. Trying to prepare
myself for many years of life. I read books with interest. Who'd a thunk it? K...might
have to read a dictionary. Everyone is all behind the new me, they probably have been
expecting this, but Riley is having a difficult time. I don't blame him, really. If I were
him, I would wonder where my place is too.

Let me make this clear. I care about him, he makes me happy, but...I don't love him. And
like I said, we've both known since the spell. He's known that I don't love him, and I've
known it. But he loves me, and that's why I haven't been able to hurt him. Not many guys
would take the risk, and I thank him for that. He hasn't asked me if I do or not, and I
know it's cause he's afraid of getting hurt. So we're both happy just ignoring that pesky,
little word.

I guess I should say it aloud. I thought I would've done it in the cave, but he was on the
verge of a heart attack. Would have been a bad idea. I finally tell him, and he dies at my
feet. Talk about a rough break up. I don't know why love doesn't factor in for me. I have
told him things I haven't told anybody. Even Angel. Maybe I felt safe saying those things
cause I'm not heavily attached.

I got teary. Big conversations and I aren't the best of friends. I don't handle them well.
Look at my history. I get emotional. It sounded like he was ready to leave me, and
considering Angel already did that, and Parker discarded me, I hung onto Riley. Changed
his mind temporarily. I'm sick of being the dumpee. Plus I hate being alone. That sounds
selfish, and it probably is. I try not to be, but being a woman scorned...no, I shouldn't
make excuses. He doesn't deserve to be with someone who can't say "I love you" back to
him.

I've tried to figure out why I don't love him. Part of it has to do with the fact that he
doesn't get the "gung ho slayer" thing, and I don't think he will; part of it is that he
has this macho trip about wanting to protect me and still be tough, military guy. That's
sweet in a slightly annoying sort of way, but he's gonna get himself killed. I don't want
that. But that doesn't explain it. For me, the love just isn't there. Kinda wish it didn't
take me so long to realize that.

I could be really stuck up and say that it's not my fault I'm so loveable, but one, I know
I can be bitchy, but I'm not *that* bad. Two, I don't feel very special. The only person I
ever said I loved, to his face, wasn't even a person. I still love him, and that's not
going to ever go away. We may be different now, with different lives, and live in
different cities, but I love him. We'll never work though, and I've dealt, but I don't
think he has.

Topic, topic, topic! I could still love somebody else. Not in the same way, but I could.
Riley just isn't the one. Again, not his fault. It's gonna have to end soon. Going single
might be a good idea. For a little. Get my life in order, find out about my slayer history
and work through the bumps that I know are coming up first, and then see if Cupid wants to
waste an arrow on me.

People say death is the greatest mystery, but since I'm in no rush to die, I'll have to
settle for the second greatest. And that's love. It's confusing, scary, overwhelming, but
it's the greatest thing in the world. Nobody knows where it comes from, or how it happens
between people, but when it does, you just know.

"Hey, Buffy! Ready for the Russian Revolution?"

"Come on, Will. We're talking about the fall of Czar Nicholas the Second and his nutty,
superstitious wife. Of course I am. And I still say Rasputin was a demon. The only other
thing that can get shot that many times and still be alive, is Robocop. Or the Terminator.
Damn Xander and his movies."

But what's really mystifying, is you don't know who you're gonna fall in love with. I sure
don't.

Hell, it could be anybody.

--
"We can start our own game. Where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing is as it
seems." (Homer J. Simpson)

"You think you know? What's to come? What you are? You haven't even begun."
(Tara and Dracula to Buffy, BTVS)


"I'm telling mom you slayed in front of me." (Dawn, BTVS)