Gutter Saftey Warning

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads, UVE, and all other interested parties
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: Gutter Safety Warning 06.11.00

Good evening all, we interrupt your regularly scheduled fanfic to bring
you this emergency Gutter Safety Warning. Reports have been coming in
all day about a duo calling themselves the "Lusty List Lobsters of the
Woods Outback" running amok in the outer Gutter and forest, apparently
chasing after a Brazilian coyote on a dinted purple scooter. According
to eye witness reports the Lusty List Lobsters seemed to be waving
around a can of hair removal and a razor, yelling such things at the
coyote, in question, as "come back here you dirty rat", "lobsters of the
world unite", and "bring back our garlic butter you mangy excuse for a
throw rug".

While at the moment we are unsure as to what has caused this rather
unusual - even for us - sight; the office of public safety is advising
that all fur bearing members of the Woods Outback please remain calm and
stay in your homes until the lobsters in question can be properly
disarmed and the razor returned to its rightful owner. At the moment
the two have made no other threats to anyone else in the Gutter and
Woods Outback, aside from threatening the demented flying fox, who lives
in the big oak by the path leading to town, with ritual tummy rubs if
she didn't hand over the keys to her prized mustang so they can make a
lobster run to Maine where they plan to untied with the East Coast
Lobster Society and Fishermen Pinchers - apparently there is some kind
of rogue lobster rally taking place soon... or they just want to have
five state car chases in my car. Either way the tummy rub was nice and
all I ask is that they return my car with a full tank of gas and no
scratches!

As for the matter of the dreaded Smurf Infestation, according to latest
intelligence several of the little blue demons were sighted in Sunnydale
proper where they were selling "Papa Smurf for President" t-shirts and
"Blue-boy's Gym: Let Hefty Show You the Way" sweat shirts. At least
they were selling the t-shirts before a bus load of Renegade Paw-Paws
jumped them in what is being described as some bizarre turf war that
ended in several of the little blue bastards being slaughtered by the
little bears. Although the Paw-Paws did reframe from taking any actual
scalps from the Smurfs - mainly because the little monsters are bald to
begin with. However there has been a bounty placed on one Smurfette's
blonde locks, which has been claimed by the dark bunny Slayer and her
were-badger beau. All reports indicate that the Smurfs have vowed
revenge, at the moment Security is on high alert and has been issued
"shoot first and forget about asking questions later" orders in regards
to the little blue menace. We will eradicate these creatures one-way or
another... we will not tolerate having our demonic cabbages terrified.
That is the job of our bunny-Slayers and their veg-o-matics damn it!

That is all, we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.


Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper.
Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox {Fruit Bat} of the Woods Outback.
The Big Bad and Little Comma.