FIC: Not Now

Title: Not Now

Author: Pat Kelly
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sequelto "Musings of Love and Life", "Training With the Heart and the Mind", and "Malls, Vampires, and Secrets", and "Saturday." Buffy, Willow, and Tara's POVs. Really no more explanation needed. Enjoy. Oh, and don't hate me, okay?
Spoilers: "Family."
Disclaimer: All hail Joss and his army of Mutant Enemies. I do not own. I make no money.

NOT NOW

It's over. I thought I was...but I'm not. When I felt Glory's presence, I was so worried. She's powerful, and I know what she is. Willow could know too, she just has to concentrate on the energy within her and not justthe spells. Anyway, I was sure she'd use me cause I was, you know, a demon.

But I'm not. I've been real confused lately. I was gonna tell Dawn, cause she was the only person I felt close to besides Willow. The babies of the family, and the ones left out, and the ones who weren't trusted. Butthen I realized how young she was, and she probably would've...not taken it well. I was even ready to give up and resign to my fate. Crazy. Confused. I said that already. Sorry.

I can't believe I let my family play with my emotions like that. I can't believe I believed them. I would've known if I was a demon, or if Iwas possessed. That's the first spell my mom taught me. To be able to tell if something was in me. I guess, when you love someone, you kinda just don't question them. Whatever they say. Love is supposed to equal trust. I loved him, but he didn't love me back. He didn't trust me or mom.

Good thing they never knew I liked girls.

Willow. I don't know what I'd do without her. I hid from her, I almost got her killed, but she still wants me. She loves me, and trusts me,and I do too. Love and trust her. We're floating in the air, dancing. She's doing it. Not me. I told her she was strong. Oh, I feel so much better. I'm relieved. I'm human. I can move on with my life. I'm done with my family. Unless theywant to understand, but I don't think they do.

Ever since I was young, I thought I was going to turn evil. I didn't plan my life. I just expected...but then I met her. I fell in love with her. She showed me her world, her friends. It was so cool, but I was so scared. I just kept thinking I was going to end up hurting her, and I got swept away. Now I don't have to worry.

We're touching the ground again.

"Tara?"

I know that face. It's her "conflicted face".

"Hmm?"

"I need to tell you something."

She's going to...I remember. I got so caught up...but sheand Buffy...whatever she wants to do, I'll go along with it. She's done a lot for me, and I can accept it if she...wants to be with her.

***

I'm watching them even though Riley's trying to talk to me. They really are magical. Literally, and in the not so literal sense. Tara loves Willow so much. She loves her back. She loves me, I know that, but she can't now. Oh, "she" equals Willow. I can't either, even though I love her, too. It sucks, but she and Tara have something special. It wouldn't be right for her to destroy that cause of me.

Maybe some day. I know how I feel about her, and that won't go away. I just need to wait.

It's over. For now.

***

Standing outside. In front of the dorm. How come it feelscold? This is it, Rosenberg. Fess up.

"Tara, Buffy and I -" My hands are shaking.

"I know." She says.

She does?

"You do?"

"Uh huh."

"Dawn?"

I can't believe she -

"I'm the one who told her about you...and Buffy."

"How?"

"Some things, I can just tell." Great, so she knows I've been hiding and hasn't said anything. My guilt is tripling. "We both hid."

"Yeah, okay, but you weren't really hiding anything."

"I should've told you about my family. I hid them from you."

"I'm the only bad person here. Don't be nice to me."

"If you love her, that's not something you can make go away. You shouldn't try to."

"But I love you too."

"I know you do. There's no rules about love. It's okay tolove more than one person. It works in mysterious ways sometimes, and we don't always get a choice."

'Do you love her?'

'I said I did.'

'Then you do.'

'But not like I...'

Think. You love them both. In that more than friendship way. You care about them. But you have to make a choice.

"I want you in my life. I love being around you. I don't want to lose you. If Buffy and I aren't together, we still have our friendship. Been building it for five years, and it's pretty solid. We can go back to only that again."

"But what about -?"

"You're right. I love her, and I won't lie to you. I can't make my feelings for her go away. But she's my best friend, and she'll understand that I'm with you. You make me happy. I love you. I need you to understand that."

"I do. Really."

Oh no.

"I've been cheating on you! Not full, you know...just...kissing. You don't even want me anymore!"

"Did I say that?"

"No, but...but you're going to. Aren't you?" She's shaking her head. "Why not?"

"Cause I'd be super dumb to let you go. And I believe that you love me, remember? If you say we're together, then I believe that too. I know you wouldn't lie to me."

"I..."

She's something else, isn't she?

"Maybe I should be mad. But as long as you love me and I love you, I won't throw us away. Especially not on my birthday."

We're hugging. Doesn't feel so cold anymore.

"Thank you."

"Buffy's a special person. I can see how you would've, fallen for her. I've even...uh...thought about..."

"You have?"

"Occasionally." Tara's blushing. "She doesn't...love him,does she?"

Riley. I kinda...well; I don't know how I feel when it comes to him.

"No."

"That's a shame. She wants to, but she can't."

"Yeah, it is."

"Good thing she's got you."

Huh?

"Didn't we just say that I was with -?'

"I mean, I think the fact that she knows she loves you, and that you love her, makes her feel good. That there's somebody out there."

"Do you think she'll find somebody else she can say it to? Besides..."

I hate seeing Buffy lonely, but I think I made the right decision. I need to give Tara and me a chance. To see where we go. There's still a lot of things I don't know, but I think she's ready to talk now. I wanna be there when she does.

It's different with the two of them. With Buffy, there's already a lot of bonding, trust, friendship, so when we took the next step, it seemed perfect. There wasn't anything we didn't know about each other. Well, there's little things we haven't told, but we go deeper than the little things.

With Tara, it's still new, but there's potential for deepness. It would be unfair to her to pick Buffy just cause it's easier and cause we've known each other longer. It's the beginning. Do I know what's going to happen? Nope. But Buffy told me once, "You won't know until you try." She gives good advice.

I'm ready and willing to learn as much as Tara wants me to. And love her.

"I don't know. I hope so. I like her."

"Me too." We grasp hands. "Wanna go mingle with your party guests some more?"

She nods with a smile. "Thanks for the great birthday. I've never really celebrated before."

Going inside again.

"No birthday passes by without celebration here. Welcome to the family."