List Gutter Complaint - or a vampire fruit bat's rant

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; UVE; and all other interested parties.
FROM: The Director of Public Safety.
SUBJECT: List Gutter Complaint/Vampire Fruit Bat's Rant.

To start, let me tell you a little story; I got into my office today,
after four hours of fighting university traffic and trying to locate one
little brick building, to find an interesting visitor waiting for me.
It was me... or rather my alter ego in the Woods Outback, one slightly
demented vampire flying fox... and boy was she pissed. After nearly
twenty minutes of the little bat rambling on about "those damn animal
huggers, ruining a good thing" and how the very same animal huggers
should be shot to Mercury and leave honestly underhanded forest
creatures be, I got the following story out of the ticked off night
flyer.

Apparently the slightly demented vampire flying fox of the Woods Outback
had ventured into Sunnydale proper, to a certain magic shop owned by a
former British Librarian and Watcher to be exact. While there the fruit
bat in question was eating a banana and getting a tummy rub from that
nice little redhead, not harming a soul mind you... when all the sudden
these damn "animal huggers" show up. Snatching the remarkably innocent -
for today - bat right out of that little redhead's lap and spiriting her
off to one of the old Initiative caves where she was released unharmed.
Although the slightly demented vampire fruit bat does admit to biting
the hell out of one of her bat-nappers, she is still highly ticked off.

"I was half a heartbeat away from being made the official Slayerette
mascot," the little bat grumbled, pacing my desk top, "and two
heartbeats away from the Slayer's little sister taking me home with her.
All that work and tummy rubs... RUINED, by those animal hugging
bastards, it's a plot I tell you. A plot! The vampire tomatoes put
them up to it, I just know it... their little revenge for all the
threats with the ketchup bottles."

It went on like this for a good forty-five minutes before I distracted
my vampire fruit bat alter ego with an orange and went to check the
security tapes. Sure enough we got the dreaded PETA-demons lose in the
Gutter. PETA {people for the ethical treatment of animals} has
apparently extended their mission goals from protecting all animals to
protecting suspect humans as well. As a result we now have these weird
as hell demon hybrids running around calling themselves PET-R {people
for the ethical treatment of Riley}. While we are uncertain at this
time what these demons want, we're advising all citizens of the gutter
and Woods Outback to be on the alert and not to talk to any strangers
with a glazed over look in there eyes. Yes, we know they can simply be
high-school students in shock from algebra class... but they can very
easily be members of this PET-R group. So for the time being, please be
alert and no making eye contact with these creatures, there is no
telling what effect they may have on you. All other forest creatures
and gutter residence having encounters with either the PET-R demons, or
their parent group PETA, are advised to notify the office of public
safety and to sanitize any part of our body that may come into contact
with the demons. Although we are advising against actually boiling your
head, a good hot shower will take care of any contaminate.

The office of monetary gain and lawyery affairs is on stand by with the
attack lawyers ready to sue the living hell out of either demon at a
moments notice for any real or imagined injury.

To recap this is a tri-Gutter wide alert, new demons have been spotted
in the List Gutter, Woods Outback and Sunnydale proper... for safety we
are advising all citizens to be careful, carry your personal
protections - although I'm not quite sure how a veg-o-matic is suppose
to ward off PET-R and PETA demons, but if it makes you feel better bring
it - and for the love of the gods use the buddy system. All roving
bands of scoot tramps, amazons, and leather wearing vamps are asked to
dump the bodies of any PETA or Pet-R demons that you happen to "stumble"
upon near the old drain leading to the swamp prison - it is sufficiently
downwind enough from the Amazons and Centaur villages as to not agitate
them. And we all know we DON'T want that ever happening. The Slayer is
extending her patrol area to cover as much of the outlaying area as
possible and a lynch mod is being formed by one chipped vampire near the
ruins of the old high school... apparently a PETA demon said some very
rude things about his duster and he is demanding retribution in the form
of a blood feud.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.


Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper.
Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox {Fruit Bat} of the Woods Outback.
The Big Bad and Little Comma.