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Title: Waiting Out the Storm WAITING OUT THE STORM It was raining heavily outside. Thundering, lightning, the sky was angry. On rare occasions did it do this in Sunnydale, and when it did, it was a sign of change. She sat on her couch with her boyfriend, watching MTV. She couldn't patrol out in this weather, though she wished she were. She also wished shewere glad to be happy, safe and warm inside and in his arms. But she wasn't. Happy. It was a painful realization she had recently come to. She didn't love him, so therefore, she obviously wasn't happy with him. What else could she do besides let it go on, though? Isn't this what she had waited for, longed for, her whole screwy life? He was attentive to her, he cared about her, and he did anything she asked. He was perfect. And yet, he wasn't. Not for her, anyway. She couldn't end it. How could she? He'd ask her the reason, and she wouldn't have a good one. At least, it wouldn't be good to him. If she let herself admit it, her thoughts had been drifting to one person lately. Who she knew was just as unhappy as she was. With her increased interest in slaying and what it was, what she was, she missed that person. For the same reason she couldn't end it with him, she didn't think she could start over with her. It was fear. Fear of losing stability, and fear of losing herself with that person for a third time. After the second time, literally losing herself *in* that person, she wasn't sure she could risk that again. She never thought she would miss her, but need and guilt had been slowly puncturing the wall of contempt and hatred she had built around her feelings for that person. Her mother's tumor was removed, but during that time, she could have used her there. The person had always been her silent support, and neither of them had known it. She needed her then, because that person would have helped her without even trying. The way they worked together, the way they talked to one another, the way they understood each other without really knowing each other at all. How could that ever be replicated again? It couldn't. As she got completely lost in the sounds of the storm, she realized how perfectly it described their relationship. Unpredictable, harsh, electrifying, and...exciting. She also realized, as she watched, if this was indeed a sign of change, this time she had control over making it happen. And considering she didn't knowwhen or if she would get another chance, she knew she should take it. Turning toher boyfriend, he smiled at her, and she smiled back. They both were aware thatit no longer meant anything, and looked at the television. Vertical Horizon's "Everything You Want" video had just begun. (Somewhere there's speaking You never could get it But under skinned knees You howl and listen Until now, she had never really paid attention to the song's words. It was funny how a song could strike a cord inside of you. At just the right moment, it pinned down what you were feeling, and spoke aloud what you were only thinking. It got to her, she couldn't deny that.
You're waiting for someone There's always another She was. She was waiting for some to challenge her, to push her buttons. Anything that was a struggle was worth it. Her last boyfriend was a struggle, and maybe they didn't last, but he had made her happy. When they were together, she felt alive. Yeah, he was gone now, but she had had another person by her side once, and she knew they could've been happy too, but she had givenup on the struggle. It was her fault. (He's everything you want He's everything you need He's everything inside of you But you'll just sit tight She wouldn't sit tight anymore. There had been massive wrong done by theboth of them, and it had to be healed, repaired, and hopefully, sooner or later, forgiven. Like that person had said once, they were the Chosen Two. That didn't simply vanish. After everything that had gone on, after all the damage, that title was still there. They were still connected. Getting up, the song not even over, she grabbed her coat and opened the door. "Buffy?" Riley asked quizzically. "There's something I have to do." The slayer said simply. She left her house, and headed for the bus station. *** Riley made no move to follow her. He knew not to. He sat there, listening to the last chorus of the song. (I am everything you want And I don't know And I don't know...) As the video ended, the cable went out, and the only thing showing on the TV was gray static. Closing his eyes with a sigh, he rolled up his sleeve, andthen looked slowly down at his arm. The marks didn't look too bad; he could probably handle it tonight. He needed it. *** She could see the activity outside through the small, barred window in the cell. It was a wicked nasty one. As turbulent as her life. It scared her, looking at such a monstrous force. Reminded her of herself, too. No, who she used to be. That's what she was in here for, right? To be reshaped and to see the error of her ways? She liked to think it was working, but she didn't know if anybody around here was the cause of it. Knew for a fact that it wasn't anyone around here, actually. It was the cell. Looking away from the window, she glanced around the dull, four-walled cage. Her bed, a toilet, the uneaten dinner they had given her earlier, and a small radio she had asked for because of her good behavior lately. That was what kept her company. Inanimate objects that didn't talk back, didn't say anything at all. Nobody ever bugged her, not since the fight incident a few moments before, and she thought this was all a good thing. She couldn't hurt anyone in here. Couldn't screw up. She was left alone with her thoughts, and while they weren't happy ones, the more and more she replayed her mistakes, the clearer things got. She could pinpoint things she couldn't before, could be calm and let the pain and remorse come and do their work. There was peacefulness in it. Anyone else who reflected on wrongdoings as much asshe was, would've cracked by now, but not her. Because whenever she felt herself starting to become overwhelmed, she thought of one thing and one thing only. One person. Her. Though not just her, whatshe represented as well. Goodness, light...that was the goal. She had gotten a taste of what it was like to be her, she had experienced all the good feelings, and came away from it feeling like she had made a difference. For once in her life, she felt good about herself. It had taken her awhile to realize that she was capable of being that type of person, and how rewarding it was. Though it was going to be some time before she could ever have an opportunity to redeem herself out there, she would serveher time, and just keep remembering what it was like. While she knew she could never be exactly like her, and there were some aspects she could do without, she was going to develop her attitude about their work, and still get it done in her own way. All sounded good, didn't it? Words were just words however, and being locked in here was shielding her from where she'd have to turn those words into action eventually. Action. She had always been a girl of action, and it had always turned out badly. But she had a plan to deal with this side too, melding words and promises with the actual carrying out. This was the harder part. The part where she had to admit that she needed her to help, and that the likelihoodof her ever being there again, was slim. When she got out, she would need a constant positive influence until shewas strong enough to fight the darkness that had driven her astray. She needed her to be that person. Needed her to care, to give her support, friendship, andyes, a part of her needed more than all of that put together. She had never gotten that from anyone before, and she only wanted it from her. She had pushed her away early on, and that was a wrong move. Then a distance had developed between them, a line they weren't sure they were supposed to cross. She realized that the person was only giving her the space she had asked for, but the truth was, she never wanted that space. She had sent the wrong signal, her automatic defense signal, and it screwed up their relationship from that point on. The reason that person wasn't there for her, was because she was afraid.The person wasn't sure what to do. And who could blame her? She wasn't the easiest person to read or figure out. Hatred came next, and they were never remotely close after that. Yet, there was a thin line between love and hate. Why waste your energy hating someone you don't care about? Walking over to the radio, she decided she needed music. "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal was just beginning. (There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea But did you know Baby The guy chose an odd name, but he knew what she was feeling. How she felt
about her. She was called a loser by her once. It hurt as much then, as it did
now. Was that person serious? Did she mean it? Or was she just making sure that
she was playing the game at the time, staying toe to toe? The thing that really
ate at her was that the person still thought there was a game to be played.And
that was her fault. (You remain To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny But did you know Was it just hopeless then? Her planned redemption? If they were doomed to go around in the same vicious circle, then why bother? She should just be dead. What was she saying? She couldn't go on assumptions. That had been part of her problem. Negativity found its way in sometimes, but she had to block it out. She knew that person cared. She knew it. It was impossible for her not to. They had been perfect together, or they could've been. They still could be. You just didn't throw that away. The person was her light on the grey. Her rose in the middle of thorns. That kind of somebody hardly ever came around twice. She just wanted everything to work out. She wanted to do good, she wanted forgiveness, she wanted happiness, she wanted...her. (And now that your rose is in bloom She needed to know where they stood, so she could start making things right. But first, she needed to be given a chance. "Faith, you got yourself a visitor." A guard said to her, standing in front of the bars. *** Both girls sat down in their respective chairs at the same time; their eyes locked onto one another through the glass. Buffy was soaked, her jacket not meant for a downpour, and she sat there, trying to ignore the shivers coursing through her body. Faith didn't see the malice in the other slayer's face. What she saw, was just Buffy. No makeup; as it had all washed away, hair no longer done, and clothes wet. She saw the person. Buffy never thought she was better than her and right now, they both didn't look too good. They were both just people with flaws and imperfections. Nothing more, nothing less. The blonde reached for the telephone first, and the brunette followed suit. Buffy spoke. "We're alone in here." "You see out there? It's crazy. Nobody's gonna come here." "I did." "Yeah, and you look like hell." Faith grinned. Buffy smirked. "Thank you so much for pointing that out." She frowned slightly. "You've looked better too." "True, but at least I'm dry." "Two to nothing. You're winning." There was a long silence before they spoke, afraid to give anything away. Faith had enough of it, though, and sighed. "I'm sick of keepin' score, B. And I stopped playin' a long time ago. Can't you see that?" "I wanna be able to." Buffy said honestly, staring at her once partner intently. "Why did you come here?" And now it was the blonde's turn to sigh. "Cause I had to. I don't have any speeches rehearsed, or anything to say, really. I'm just here." Somehow, their palms had made their way up their respective sides of the glass during the talk, and if it weren't for the barrier, they would've been touching. "Do you wanna talk?" Faith asked. "Sure...if you wanna." Great. What were they going to say? How was this going to start? Faith cleared her throat. "So, you think the weather's gonna clear up?" "Hope so. I don't want to have to go through it again." "No, don't want that." The brunette agreed. "What about you? You think it'll clear up?" "Got a feelin' it might." "We can start our own game. Where people throw ducks at
balloons and nothing is as it
seems." (Homer J. Simpson) "You think you know? What's to come? What you are? You haven't
even begun."
(Tara and Dracula to Buffy, BTVS) "I'm telling mom you slayed in front of me." (Dawn,
BTVS)
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