FIC: Someone Else That's Not Me

[Kimber <kacoe@xxxxxxx>]

Ever have something swimming around your head, not allowing you to eat,
sleep, drink or think until it got written? This is one of those
things. I lay claim to everything you see. It's an original piece I
wrote a bit ago and felt like sharing. One request though. . .please
send all feedback OFF LIST.
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Someone Else Not Me.

***

You showed me a passion I never knew existed, I say to self-deafened
heart. A heart that at one time, saw through to the soul of me and held
me up and gave me wings to be whom ever I wanted to be.

I shouldnt love you, she says quietly. Its just not logical.

There is no logic in love. I say even though I know the words ring
hollow in her ears. No matter how badly I believe that  even if those
words were burned forever to the soul shes touched  it wouldnt
matter, simply because she stopped believing such a long time ago. You
stopped believing in me. In us. I whisper almost imperceptibly.
Almost.

Im sorry I stopped believing.

Youre lucky, I say through the tears that are fighting their hardest
to stay suspended in my eyes. because I never will.

But I get ahead of myself here. Much further ahead than anticipated.

*****

God shes amazing. Just when I think Ive got it all figured out and my
life is on track  she comes along.

Shes turned my world upside down and backwards and man, what I wouldnt
give to have had this feeling years ago before I became jaded and
cynical and, Hey, hon. How are you? breaks through my train of
thought and its her  right there  and everything else just fades into
the background and Im standing in the middle of the tracks getting hit
full force and head on at eighty miles an hour and it feels. . .

Incredible.

She knows how to push the pause button on this hectic life of mine and
makes me

STOP.

Makes me THINK.

Makes me FEEL.

It doesnt matter what she looks like. It makes no difference that her
smile can light the darkest part of the room, or her eyes haunt me even
in my sleep. It doesnt change my life in one way or another because
thats not why I love her. I love her for being able to see deep down
to the soul of me, and not be frightened by what she sees. I adore her
for her ability to get it, all of it, no matter what it is or how hard
it is for me to explain. I admire her ability to draw from me the
things I thought got lost and burned to ashes and carried away on the
wind such a long, long time ago.

You make me happy, she says. Its not for lack of trying. She
doesnt have to try. All she has to do. . .is be.

Youre amazing, is all the lameness I can come up with. Lame because
there really arent many words for what I feel. . . .

Ive gotten ahead of myself, again. Theres just so much to say, so
much to convey and the words, well, the words are insufficient at most.

*****

I found someone. She glows. Shes wonderful and she treats me well
and Im so happy.

Im happy for you. Is my reply. Really. If anyone deserves it, it
would be you. The plastic smile is firmly in place and even as I say
the words I can almost feel the self loathing in them, the bitterness,
the lost chance of something that was really never meant to be. All of
this, I know now, but to make me see it then, I would have believed you
had three heads before I believed it wasnt meant to be.

Youre still my friend. Shes compensating and I cant stand it
honestly. I hate it when people know what you want to hear, and know
what they want to say and opt for the first rather than the latter. It
makes me sick. Youll always be my friend.

Like that is supposed to make me feel better? Second prize, second
best, second place in the tiny space of your existence. Id rather work
on trying to fly. Theres a knack to it really. The knack is to throw
yourself at the ground  and miss completely. Very few people have
attempted this daunting task and actually succeeded.

Are you listening? She breaks through my reverie again and it all
just fades. Even when I feel like I cant listen anymore, when I feel
its just too much to take, I hear every word even though I dont want
to. Youre being distant. I dont like it.

So long as you are happy, then Im happy. And I mean it. All Ive
ever wanted is for her to be happy and smile and know, that no matter
how bad things got, theyd always get better some how.

But youre not. Are you?

Its funny how, when you stop and think and look back on all thats
happened, you see where it all went wrong. You see where that all too
important moment stood, glaring at you and daring you to take a chance,
yet now you are unable to change a thing.

She was an acquaintance, a face, a name and nothing more. Isnt it sad
how someone can mean nothing to you? She meant nothing. She was
nothing. I hadnt opened my eyes yet, or my heart and my soul lay
dormant from all the ass kicking it had received as of late.

There was something about her  this I cant deny. She was all fire and
ice, opinionate yet subtle, graceful. . .yet tact was something she left
for others who were afraid to voice what was on their minds.

I dont know how it happened or when. I fell for her. I found myself
seeking her out amongst the others, knowing that when I saw her, my day
would be better for it  as would I. It was a gradual thing, the kind
of thing you dont know is happening until its much too late to take
your heart out of the game. Even if you tried, it would insist that it
had a few more innings left in it and coach, let me play! would ring
through your ears and youd give in. Always youd give in because to
not follow your heart would be unspeakable and unforgivable and you
never know what youre gonna miss.

You dont know what you ask. Is my answer to both her voiced and
unvoiced question. You simply have no idea.

But I do. She says with such conviction that I almost believe she
means it. Im almost ready to trash everything weve worked months to
build.

I sigh. She has to do this now? Just when I was clear on how I felt
and how I couldnt have it. . .just when Id accepted the fact that she
belong to someone else thats not me. I dont know when it happened,
but you suddenly mean the world to me and I dont know what to do with
it. With everything I feel for you. I whisper.

I know. Comes out thick with emotion I never thought shed allow
herself to show to me. I was so scared to say it that I forced you to
do it for me.

Im sorry.

For what?

I sigh. Complicating things. Feeling things I never thought I was
capable of until you came along. Im sorry for it all.

Silence. Painful, lack of every noise imaginable silence. Then, Im
not.

And the stress and anger and fear slide out of me and I feel like Im
floating, coasting  even flying. To hell with throwing yourself to the
ground. This was so much better.

***

I feel like I need to tell you something, everything and nothing at
once. Ive never felt this way before and the words. . .the words just
dont want to cooperate with me I guess. It scares me so much. Ive
never, you have to understand, ever felt like this. Never wanted to say
it so badly. . .but then I think, what if. . .

Hey, I stop her in mid thought. From the entire lack of talking I can
tell she never expected me to do that. Listen to me carefully. I
take a deep breath and screw up all the courage I have hidden deep down
in the reserves of my soul. Courage Ive been saving for a moment just
like this. I do too.

She gasps and knows I know. She knows I feel it too and my heart jumps
up off the bench and breaks out into a full sprint toward the playing
field it thought it would never be able to play in again. God, I love
you.

I love you too.

***

So close, She whispers across the tangible. So close, yet so far
away. What I wouldnt give for. . .

Just one minute. I know. She knows I know and maybe that made it
into something worth fighting for. Maybe.

No. She disagrees and my heart just.

Stops.

Thirty seconds would have been enough. It wasnt like you were so far
away. It was so close to tangible it was scary. I was afraid to open
my eyes to confront reality, but I knew it wouldn't matter. You'd still
be there. I could feel you as if you were right next to me but, My
heart starts up again as she trails off sadly.

But I wasnt. I know.

I know you know and that makes it real. This is real and we have to
hold on to it.

I will. I breath out like a prayer. Always. I feel so lucky to
have you in my life. You know that, dont you?

She pauses. I know this is love. And my heart soars across the field
as if it had wings.

***

I dreamed about you like we never left each other. Too bad I had to
wake up and ruin the dream. She states sadly.

Its not a dream. Or at least, it wont be for long. I console.

I hurt.

I ache.

I love with everything I have and more I never knew existed.

All of this for her and I know, I know when the time comes that its not
a dream Ill die. For I will truly know what its like to be in a
heavenly place.

I feel like you are right next to me and not so far away and as long as
I can feel you I dont ever want to open my eyes again.

Silence.

More silence.

Beautiful silence thats allowed to exist between us. Words arent
needed, nor the usual exchange of pleasantries to take up space and
time. Its a waste on us because we are happy and content just. .
.being there. Just knowing and feeling the silence together.

No words. I whisper. No words for the way you make me feel and for
the way youve touched my soul. I feel like anything I say, any words I
find to describe it, well, theyre inadequate at most.

> > From across the tangible she hands me a lifeline. You have my soul.
And you have mine.

***
The tangible became insignificant and my heart, well, my heart grew
three sizes today. There arent any words. I whisper. Nothing seems
worthy of how you make me feel.

She smiles and Im damned. Damned to live in that smile and the way her
lips curl up so perfectly and her eyes, well, her eyes are shining and I
sit there and think to myself, Wow. I did that. I made her smile,
and suddenly thats what I want to live for. Its all Ive ever strived
for since she sprang into my life and lit my sorry existence on fire.

I want to commit everything to memory. She says suddenly. Your eyes,
your smile. . .your soul.

Oh, well, you already have that. I whisper and look over at her.
Thats become my hobby as of late. Observing. Taking it all in.
Drinking in the texture and the scent and the *everything* that is her.
. .

One

Hundred

Percent.

What? She asks.

Nothing. I smirk, but some how I know she knows its everything. How
can one person make someone so. . . I trail off. Again, there are no
words.

Content. She states simply and the word hits home with a resounding
crash and my world just crumbles and I know. I know she gets it.

God, I love you. My voice is thick, thicker than Id intended and it
washes over her and I can see her begin to drown and fade and Whats
wrong? comes out of my mouth before I even realize the implications.

I love you, I love you too much yet never enough. And thats all I
needed to hear.

Anything you give me, anything youre willing to give. . .well, itll
always be enough because it could have been nothing at all.

You make me happy, she says. Its not for lack of trying. She
doesnt have to try. All she has to do. . .is be.

Youre amazing, is all the lameness I can come up with. Lame because
there really arent many words for what I feel.

Nothing seems good enough for her, not even me. And that scares the
hell out of me because in the back of my mind I keep on thinking that
this is all some kind dream. I feel this looming darkness constantly
that shes going to turn around one day and tell me it was all a mistake
and that she cant do it, that its too hard, but it was fun while it
lasted and can we still be friends? will roll off her tongue and out
of her mouth like it was planned that way all along.

Ive looked my whole life for someone like you. She whispers almost
reverently. And here you are. . .and I feel like its gonna end
suddenly, that youre gonna stop believing any minute now and youre so
far away and it scares me.

I think long and hard about this. Youre right. I finally say.
Here I am, and here you are, and its all we have. We have right
now. I bow my head to hide the hurt behind my eyes. Even if you
leave, even if you say this is all a mistake and that you stopped
believing, Im still gonna love you. Thats *never* gonna change.

Never. She says. Its not forceful, or full of conviction and
promises and inflection that makes you feel, lets you know for sure that
she really means it. . .because deep down you know she doesnt. Ill
never stop believing that we have a chance.

It all rings hollow. Isnt it funny how its everything you want to
hear but were afraid of hearing? I love you. I feel like I cant say
it enough.

I can never hear it enough. She smiles that smile and I get lost
just. . .

A.

Little.

Bit.

More.

And I know. I know from this point forward that Im lost and somehow
will never be able to find myself again. Shes two feet away and Im
totally consumed by her. Theres nothing else in my line of vision.
Its just

Her.

Right.

THERE.

What? She asks innocently but we both know that innocence walked out
the door the minute we stepped over the line and into each others
space. Its gone now, its not a game anymore, its not abstract. Its
real, shes so real that I can reach out and touch her face. As a
matter of fact, thats exactly what I do. Nothing. I shake my head.

Come on. She coaxes. She knows theres more. Theres always been so
much more that she was unwilling to say.

I want to tell you. Everything. I respond simply.

I want to let you. She leans just a little bit closer into my touch
and a shiver crawls slowly down my spine.

I want to kiss you. Flies out of my mouth before I can even stop it.
Damn.

The what are you waiting for? She says with a boldness I didnt think
she had the courage to show.

I touch her lips with mine and its like coming home to a place I never
knew existed. For that one moment, were together as one and shes
pressed so close against me now that you can hardly tell where she
begins and where I end and I hold her impossibly closer still, because I
know. . .I know its all gonna end and it might as well be my fault. My
fault for loving her so completely. It was over before it really even
began.

Moments or minutes or hours later, oxygen fills our lungs and we just. .
.

STOP.

We cant. She breaths out like she almost means it. When we do, it
needs to be special and not here and. . .

I press my finger against her swollen lips. I know. And I smile with
a little sadness and a whole lot of helplessness because in the back of
my mind I can already see her heart has dropped the ball. Two outs, one
to go, bases loaded.

***

The distance between the emotion and response, between her heart and
mine. . .is tangible. You can feel it through the soles of your feet,
touch it and caress its texture in the palm of your hand and commit it
to your senses with just

One

Deep

Breath.

Its the most beautiful tangible thing in the entire world. It is the
world. You can drive it, fly it and feel it in the pull of your muscles
as you walk across the miles that span time and space. Miles that would
be the death of us because someone belongs to someone else. Someone
else thats not me.

Strike one.

***

It hurts.

I know.

Make it stop. She whispers across the tangible. Make it feel like
it felt before.

I feel you slipping away from me and theres not a damn thing I can do
about it.

Ill never stop believing we have a chance. She lies. She weaves a
beautiful tale of red dragons and purple mountains majesty and all
things that are good and pure and essential in the tiny space of our
existence. The tiny space that gets even tinier with each passing day.
I believe that. I *have to*.

Is this enough for you? I ask even though I really dont want to
know.

Totally. She says with not enough conviction. It has to be.

My space shrinks a little bit more and the tangible just got bigger.

Strike two.

***

Youre being distant. I dont like it. Even as the words come out of
my mouth and their true meaning lances my soul, I find it horribly
ironic. She whispered the same thing to me not so long ago and those
are the words that put us here in the first place.

I have to concentrate on me and my life.

In that place where youre concentrating on being real and centered and
you, have you left a place for me?

Thats not a fair question. She sighs.

There was a time when you wouldnt have hesitated to say yes. Now
its a chore just to get you to say hello. Thats whats not fair.
Shes slipping away like sand through my fingers and its just my luck
theres not enough of it to get lost in together.

I found someone. She switches gears. Shes wonderful and she treats
me well and Im happy.

Im happy for you. Is my reply. Really. If anyone deserves it, its
you, but youve had her long before any of this. Before us. What about
what I deserve?

You deserve better than this. She sounds defeated and broken. I
realize quickly, but not quick enough that its all just emotionless
motion now. Its all just words without the fire and passion behind
them.

I deserve *you*. I say with finality.

What you deserve and what you get, unfortunately and more often than
not, are two different things entirely.

My heart looks up and cries, foul ball!

***

What happened to us? I whisper. There is no tangible between us
now. Theres no where to hide. What happened to you? I feel like I
dont even know you anymore and that scares the hell out of me.

I dont know. She states indifferently as if I just asked her what
she wants to be when she grows up. How can someone be five inches away
from you, yet seem so far away? I cant reach her anymore. . .Im not
sure if anyone can.

You showed me a passion I never knew existed. I say to self-deafened
heart. A heart that at one time, saw through to the soul of me and held
me up and gave me wings to be whom ever I wanted to be. At one time I
believed I could do it too. . .simply because she believed in me. That
has to count for something. Doesnt it?

Well never be together. She whispers almost imperceptibly. I almost
didnt hear her and maybe, just maybe thats what she intended.

Well be together again. Maybe not now or tomorrow or next year.
Theres this thing inside of me that keeps me believing and I really
cant explain it. I dont think I want to try. I swallow down the
tears like poison. Shes slipping away and the harder I try to reach
her, the further away she seems. I dont think or wonder or wish. I
*know*. You get that, dont you? You have to get it. Youre the only
one who ever has. Theres a desperation in my voice I didnt know I
could achieve. Its as if my entire life hinges on what shes about to
say. . .or not.

Well *never* be together. She states forcefully and full of
conviction and promises and inflection that makes me feel, lets me know
for sure that she really means it. All of it. I shouldnt love you,
she says quietly. Its just not logical.

There is no logic in love. I say through a voice thats thick with
emotion. A voice I cant even recognize anymore. I say it in vain
because I know, I *know* the words ring hollow in her ears. No matter
how badly I believe  even though those words are burned forever to the
soul shes touched  it doesnt matter. Nothing much matters anymore
simply because she stopped believing such a long time ago. Possibly
longer than I had even allowed myself to realize. You stopped
believing in me. In us. I whisper almost imperceptibly. Almost.

Im sorry I stopped believing.

Youre lucky, I say through the tears that are fighting their hardest
to stay suspended in my eyes. They didnt fight hard enough and
apparently neither did she. Youre lucky because I never will.

Strike three.

***

GAME OVER


***