FIC: Prison Talk 4/?

["Selenay" <selenay@xxxxxxxxxx>]

Just a really, really short thing. But you'll see why.

Title: Prison Talk 4/?
Author: Selenay
E-mail: selenay@xxxxxxxxxx
Summary: Inspired by a suggestion from Pat Kelley (thanks!) here's the first
part in a Conversations-esque Buffy/Faith series. And despite the title,
there's no Bad Girls style kinkiness (yet...)
Spoilers: Nope, none. Nada. Not a one this time.
Distribution: My site, http://www.selenayhaven.com and 'Exquisite
Coalescence'. Anyone else please ask first.
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy and her friends. It all belongs to Joss
Whedon, Mutant Enemy et al. I'm only playing, and sadly make nothing from
this.
Feedback: Gratefully received


Buffy,

I don't know where to start so I'm just going to go straight into this. Can
you believe this is the sixth time I've tried this? This time I'm not
stopping for anything, so it's probably going to look a complete mess. After
everything else, I'm sure you'll let me get away with a few spelling
mistakes and the odd crossing-out. I hope.

God, I don't know what to say now. Well, I know what I want to say but how
do I say it? I guess the first place to start is - you're right. Everything
you said tonight was right. I'm a bitch and, to be honest (yes, I know what
honesty is), I've always known it. That doesn't excuse what I did, far from,
but maybe it explains why things went this way. I've always known I'm not
worth much so when I started down this road there didn't seem any point in
not living up (or down, if that's better) to expectations.

Do you want to know something? When I first arrived in Sunnydale, and
everyone was so nice all, that was the first time I'd been treated that way.
Like I was worth something. I knew it wouldn't last and I was right, wasn't
I?

Sometimes I feel as though I've got all the dirt in the world inside me and
if I could just get a brush or something inside I could scrub it away and I'
ll feel clean. It doesn't matter how many showers I take or how many lives I
've saved, that's never going to go away. There's something inside me that's
wrong, and corrupted, and I can't get away from it or wash it away. It makes
me want to hit something, or kill something, or just give into the rage I
can feel burning inside me. As though if I do the corruption will go away
and I'll be free again. But every time I give in it just makes the feeling
worse. I think I've worked out what it is - it's the gunk left over from
every person I've enjoyed killing or hurting. So if I don't give into it, it
won't get worse. Right?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know I've done bad, evil stuff and
nothing I can do is ever going to change that. I can't make it better and I
can't undo what I've done. But I am sorry for it. Some of those people
deserved what I did, but I still shouldn't have done it. Most of all I'm
sorry that I hurt you so much. I may not be able to change what I did but I
can try to make amends for it, can't I?

You probably tore this up as soon as you saw who it's from. So I'm just
talking to myself now, or writing anyway. But in case you didn't, I'm trying
to say sorry and that's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We'll never
be friends again but do you think, maybe, you could not hate me? I don't
expect forgiveness but it would feel good to know there's someone out there
who doesn't hate me.

There, that's it. I'm done now. Maybe we'll talk again someday.

Faith.

** Buffy lowered the letter, deep in thought. She searched deep inside for
the kernel of hate and loathing she had always kept for Faith, but for some
reason it was not there. Maybe . . . **

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Check me out at The Haven - http://www.selenayhaven.com - even the Chosen
Ones get lonely...
AIM: selenay936