End of the Month Gutter Report

[Shadow <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; UVE; and all interested parties.
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of Month List Gutter Safety Report

Item 1:
Regarding the security report of a break in at the main List Gutter
Weapons Armoury, upon investigation and review of the video footage,
several key facts have surfaced about this puzzling crime. One  at
approximately 1800 hours on 27 February a large furry creature was seen
picking the lock on the main weapons storage armoury out of the Security
Chiefs office. While the identity of the culprit is unknown, a vague
description of the thief has been compiled by Security from the various
clues left behind at the scene of the break-in. Security is looking for
a large, shade wearing leaf-eater who drinks spiked jungle juice and
owns a Party Naked t-shirt, anyone with information is urged to notify
Security at once. Two  reliable sources report the suspect stealing a
Hummer from the local Army Reserve Base and hacking into the Armys
computer system to change the records of one Riley Im-a-vamp-slut
Finns records to read: Deceased: Killed by angry wer-badger in a freak
Snow-blower accident. Three  the suspect was last seen at a gas
station in the company of a rather quiet gopher carrying a rocket
launcher, and a chipmunk with a flamethrower. The trio brought gas, two
cases of sunflower seeds, sodas, and mentioned something about storming
the WB to siege control of the BtVS and get some Willow/Tara/Buffy
kissage and naughtiness on tape. There were also murmurings about tar
and feathering the Joss one for cruelty to Slayers Moms  whatever that
is suppose to mean. Anyone with information about this rather strange,
even for us crime, is urged to notify authorities and give the trio
proper directions to the WB studios if they should become lost in LA.

Item 2:
To the United Vegetable Empire  the Holy order of the Garbage Pail has
moved into the East Gutter vowing to continue their holy war against the
evils of the Demonic Cabbage Patch. Er.... Tater, is there something
you want to tell me? Archbishop Oscar IV has been into my office no
less then 23 times preaching his just cause and how the Holy Order of
Garbage Pail Kids shall wipe out the offending Demonic Cabbage Patch.
Now while I am loath to interfere in eternal matters of the UVE, I am
getting tried of the Archbishops visits; all that green fur and black
eyebrow is a bit disturbing, especially before Ive had a chance to
properly wake up.

Item 3:
The Count of Sesame Street fame has filed suit against one Count Dracula
for trademark infringement and being a dip of a vampire master  his
584-page complaint is being forwarded to the Gutters Supreme Court
where Judge Hangem Howl will over see the trail.

Item 4:
"My mother let you do WHAT in our living room??" Buffy demanded in an
outraged tone.

"She let us get naked and then joined us," Tara replied with a straight
face
for about two seconds before her face broke into a big grin. "Gotcha!"

Item 5:
Giles stood in the threshold of the living room looking at the two
figures curled up together on the floor, the little redhead using the
taller dark-haired figure as a pillow. "My girls," he thought proudly,
his fatherly instincts kicking in full force and he really couldn't care
less at the moment. Not after the week they had, that saw Sunnydale
nearly ripped apart as the final battle for control of the hellmouth was
literally taken to the streets and fought hand to hand. Looking to his
left he saw Xander sound asleep on the couch, the young man's head
pillowed in his live-in girlfriend's lap, as Anya absently ran her hand
through his unruly hair. Pausing to share a quiet look with the
ex-vengeance demon, Giles let his gaze fall to Xander's hand, or where
the young man's hand should have been, had it not been bitten off by
that Ramovic-demon... too bad the demon didn't seen the grenade he was
holding when it clamped down. The Watcher was certain he wouldn't be
getting that terrifying image, or Xander's screams before he passed out
from the pain, out of his head anytime soon... sometimes his son's
courage amazed even him. "My son!" he thought with a proud smile,
having adopted the boy, like the two girls, as his years ago.

Moving away from the two on the couch, he let his gaze find his oldest
Slayer, who was still on guard it seemed. Standing at the cracked
picture window staring into the still darkness of the night, her prized
axe held at the ready in case any of the stragglers of the demon army
they may have missed in the final battle wanted to try for a
counter-strike. Silently he watched as Dawn cautiously walked up to her

sister, doing the one thing no one else had the guts to do before now.
She calmly placed her arms around the Slayer's waist and rested her head
against Buffy's arm, wordlessly joining her in the visual.

At first Buffy made no move to acknowledge her sister, but finally
released her two handed hold on her axe and snaked an arm around Dawn
pulling her close. Kissing the top of her sister's dark hair as she
pulled her sibling closer, "We got them Dawn... we got them."

Behind them Giles watched lost in his own thoughts, nearly jumping out
of his skin when Joyce quietly joined him, silently lending him her
support and strength that seemed apart of the genetic makeup of the
Summers women.

Item 6:
The frisky wercat pounced on her slayer the moment the chosen one walked
through the door.

"Er... Wills why are you sitting on Faith?" Buffy asked coming up to the

open door.

"Mine," the redhead said looking up at the other slayer, "Naked!" she
suddenly added lunging for the other Slayer.

Buffy found herself lying flat on her back with a naked redhead sitting
on her chest, "Too much... take off now!" Willow growled pawing at her
clothing, "Naked!"

Rolling over and casting a look over her shoulder, "How come I'm 'mine'
and you're 'naked'?" Faith asked.

"Mine! Help... too much.... need off," Willow demanded with a low
growl.

"Quick laughing Faith... I'm about to get molested on my front lawn."

"Naked! Mine!" the redhead said before lowering her head and kissing
the startled Slayer while Faith continued to laugh.

"Remind me to kill the Xand-man when this spell wears off," Faith said
with a last chuckle getting up to walk over to the other two. "Hey
Red.... you and 'naked' inside... no neighbours watching." She said to
the somewhat feral hacker.

Item 7:
This moment of insanity was brought to you by... OH My GOD Harmony's
armed and the keep Ms. Edith tied to a chair organization for the better

meant of the list gutter. : - P

Item 8:
Femvamp ... I do believe I have found your missing muse.

That is all we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics. : )


--
Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper.
Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox {Fruit Bat} of the Woods Outback. The
Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief... Corrupter of the
Innocent. Torment of Quindolyn. Founding Member of the Get Willow and
Buffy Naked Society. GWBNS - a way of life. Dark Mistress of Weird...
be afraid, be very afraid.