FIC: A Graveside Connection

A GRAVESIDE CONNECTION

Buffy stood by the freshly filled grave, her mother's grave, after all the funeral attendees had left. The sun had set behind her, but she had failed to notice. She had no idea who the majority of the people had been, and she didn't plan on ever remembering. Relatives she had met once when she was five, perhaps. Maybe some she had only heard about in brief conversations. With her mother.

Her mother that was dead. And buried. Underneath six feetof earth.

She stared at the brown dirt, not even real sure what she expected. Her mother was somewhere in there now, becoming part of the natural cycle that was nature, life, and death. That's what was running through her mind. Not the good part, but the fact that she was decomposing, wasting away, becoming less and less like the woman she remembered. An empty shell with no host, left to crumble in a wooden prison.

Her mother was truly gone, never to rise, and that was the one positive thing she could think of at the moment. Her mother as a vampire. The very thought disturbed her.

There was no denying it. The Great Beyond. Her mother hadtaken the trip before her, as mothers were supposed to do, but Buffy wanted to be there with her, feeling blissfully happy because neither of them would haveto worry about anything ever again. There would be no sorrow, no grief, and no pain. Only bliss. She'd love that, because she was at a loss when it came to living. How would she do this? What was her life going to be? What was the plan? Why?

Dawn. There was Dawn. She had to stay for Dawn. And her friends. They'd miss her. Wouldn't they?

She had reasons to continue for others. There were potholes in the way, and she'd get them through somehow, but she couldn't figure out why she should continue for herself. She didn't foresee any happiness in her future, or any big payoff. All she saw was her eventual death, which was a bleak vision. Her line of work called for sacrifices, and she helped a lot of people, butthat wore thin. She didn't want to be selfish, but when could she be happy and enjoy life outside of wooden objects? The occasional movie and Bronze outing didn't count.

When could she have the life her mother wanted for her? What was her light at the end of the tunnel?

Buffy felt him before she heard him walk up next to her, and while she didn't make a scene on the outside, inside, the pain dulled slightly, and her heart sped up. She had her answer. They grasped hands, not needing to acknowledge each other with their eyes. They had been past that for quite some time. Separation seemed to convince them both, even when they tried something new and it appeared that they had forgotten, that what they had was forever. Appearances were deceiving. They defied everything. When they were together, there was nothing else.

Except now. Now there was a grave. And they stared at it.She was no longer alone.

"I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner." Angel said quietly.

She turned her head finally, and stated simply, "You're here."

That was enough, but apparently not for him. She knew whohe was, and what he thought. That would never change. The look of guilt and distraction was all too familiar.

"You couldn't make it; it's okay. I understand about the daylight thing, believe it or not."

Angel hesitated. "It's not that. It's..."

Buffy squeezed his hand reassuringly, stopping him. She led him over to a tree, and as she sat on the grass beneath it, she pulled him downwith her. He leaned against it, and she leaned back into him. This was also familiar. And comforting. And wonderful. And missed. But they couldn't. Not anymore. No matter how much they wanted to. Yet the longer they stayed in the position they were in, Buffy ceased to care. A few hours of peace.

What was wrong with that? Especially considering all the more important things she had to worry about after this was over.

So that's what they did. Stayed just like that, in a world all their own, in complete silence. Hours passed before words were used again.

"Talk to me." She requested suddenly.

"About?"

"You. Your life. How you're doing. What I've missed. Anything." He was about to come out with the sensitive, 'this is about you and the tragedy you suffered, not me' response, but that tragedy had dominated her thoughts. She needed to hear about something else for awhile. "Is breaking a few rules that horrible? Or do you not wanna tell me?"

Buffy's face got even sadder looking than it had been, and he didn't want that.

"You know that's not true."

"You don't wanna add to my burden." She shifted so she could meld further into him. "Were always thinking of me, weren't you? I guess I didn't expect that to change."

He put his arm around her. "And it never will. You've gotenough to deal with, Buffy." He waited a moment; not sure he should bring it up. "I'm sorry about Riley."

She shook her head. "Don't be. We were on two different levels, and he needed something from me that I couldn't give. I wanted 'it' to be there with us, but it just wasn't. I wish I had known that sooner, cause all I ended up doing was hurting him."

"You've had a lot on your mind. You didn't do it intentionally."

"Maybe not, but I still did it." She laughed softly. "AndI'm talking about him with the one person I'm not supposed to."

"I didn’t like him, but that's me. You did, and that's the only thing that matters. I'll always listen."

She gave him a small smile. "Come on. It's only me, you, my mom, and the tree here, Angel. My burden's in that place where time isn't standing still, and where the world spins around. I'll go back there soon, but for now, just talk. Please." She paused. "Unless we really did mean what we said to each other about severing all ties, but I don't think we did. Know why? Cause I wouldn't have called you and you wouldn't have come, if we had meant it. Right?"

"The past few months have been...complicated." Angel said slowly.

"Already we have something in common." She sighed.

"It all started when...when Darla came back, and -"

Her eyebrows raised. "Darla? Your sire Darla?" She asked,and he nodded. "Didn't she and you used to...?" He nodded again. "Wait. She went trigger-happy on me, and you killed her. I was there. She was dust buster bound."

"It's a long story, but she did come back. And things...kept getting worse. I fought, did everything I could." He paused. "Still, they were two steps ahead every time. Nothing changed. *I* wasn't changing anything. I began questioning why I bothered."

"You felt hopeless."

She was no stranger to that. They were very similar people, and always had been.

"I stopped caring. Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn...I pushed themas far away as I could. I knew where I was heading, and I didn't want them to die trying to save me from myself. So I fired them."

"You didn't think you deserved to have people care about you?"

"I was losing my mind."

"Oh."

"I thought it would be easier, but it wasn't. I did things that...weren't right. Technically, they weren't exactly wrong, but they were things I'd never do."

He was brooding, drifting away.

"You need this." Translated, that meant, 'Keep going.'

"Eventually someone told me something I couldn't deny, and that was it. I wanted to give up. I thought I had."

"Give up? You didn't..." His face gave her the answer. "With...?" Again, she could see it. Jealousy flared up, clashing with her total confusion. "But you're not..." Her head hurt. "I'm lost."

"I didn't love her. I felt the struggle, just like before," Those were not good memories, "and I was waiting for it to be over, but it didn't happen. Because I didn't love her."

She was happy to hear that, though she didn't show it.

"Then what changed?"

"I realized that all we have, is what we do while we're here. All that matters is what we do. The people I help, it might not change the bigger picture, but I make a difference in their lives. I give them a chance to make things better, to affect others. And if I...we, do the best we can, then that's enough. It has to be."

"Wow. That's epiphany-like." He smiled. "What?" He shook his head. "They'll come around, you know. Cordelia and everyone. Don't worry."

"It's hard." They were quiet for several minutes. "If youcan help it, don't drive your friends away. It doesn't work. Trust me."

"I don't want to, but...I can't stop myself sometimes." She told him. He knew. "They were great, though. Helping with the funeral, watching over Dawn..."

"How'd it go?"

It was her turn now. That was only fair, and she did needto talk about it. It was one of the main reasons she called him. He was the only one she had ever been able to open up with completely.

"The funeral was...it was brutal." She paused. "But it's tomorrow that I'm worried about."

"What's tomorrow?"

"That's exactly what I don't know. Up until now I...I've had a road map. Things to do every minute, having to do with mom."

"Tomorrow the stuff of everyday living resumes."

"And everybody expects me to know how to do it because, I'm *so* strong." Her tone was mildly sarcastic.

Strong? What was that?

"You just need some time. I'm sure everybody understands that."

"Time's not the issue." She thought before speaking again. "I can stick wood in vampires...but mom was the strong one in real life. She always knew how to make things better, just what to say..."

It was true.

"You'll find your way. I mean, not all at once, but it -"

"I don't know." What if? "I keep thinking about it...whenI found her. If I had just gotten there ten minutes earlier..."

"You said they told you it wouldn't've made a difference."

"They said, *probably* wouldn't've made a difference. Theexact thing they said, was 'probably.' I haven't told that to anyone."

"Doesn't make it your fault. Couldn't've done anything different."

"I didn't even *start* CPR until they told me. I fell apart. That's how good I am at being a grownup." She was angry with herself, and it came across in her voice.

"Buffy..."

"It'd be okay if it was just me I had to worry about. But Dawn..."

"Look, it's okay. I know you don't feel like it now, but you are strong, Buffy. You're gonna figure this out. And you have people to help you. You don't have to do this alone."

Buffy took a deep breath, and glanced up at the sky. "It's gonna be light soon."

That was bad. That meant he'd leave again.

Angel looked up too, then at her. "I can stay in town as long as you want me."

Buffy considered that. "How's forever? Does forever work for you?"

Looking at him, she remembered just how much his being here had helped her, and how much she loved him. She also realized what she just said, sighed, sat up, and removed herself from off of his body. Staring straight at him, she felt an old desire begin to build.

"That's a bad idea." Her tone wasn't as certain as she had hoped, and she searched for an explanation. "I'm seriously needy right now."

"Let me worry about the neediness. I can handle it."

And then, that's when she gave in. She kissed him. He wasAngel. He wasn't just some first love that she'd have fond memories of years down the road. There was a huge question mark surrounding how many years she had left, anyway.

No. Their feelings were still there, and they'd never go away. If any two people were soul mates, they were, and the only reason she wasn't with him was because she couldn't be. Not because she didn't want to be. Ifit were ever possible, she'd re-arrange her entire life just to make it work. She would wait, and so would he. Forever.

Theirs was one of those dangerously wonderful loves that had to be put on hold. For very good reasons, but it was still genuine. They were a part of the other. That's what her mother never understood. She had believed that it was some crazy, adolescent fling that would pass. Buffy was twenty now. It hadn't passed. She'd had a boyfriend, and she had been happy, but with Angel, there was happiness, and then a deeper, stronger feeling of completeness.

She wanted her mother to witness this. Maybe a few strings could be pulled. Joyce wasn't a woman to be denied.

The kissing increased, and so did the passion behind it. God it was good. She'd missed it more than she knew. Missed moments like these, where they'd sit, have a conversation, which then resulted in a heavy make-out session. But it was never just making out. It was trying to connect the only other way they were allowed, in an effort to become truly whole. She never wanted to stop, but they had to.

They pulled away, her breathing heavy, and him shocked. They knew full well what had just occurred, though it was odd; what they were feeling. It was regret, but not. It felt so right.

"I told you." Buffy said with a sad smile as she looked down at the ground. She then focused on him again. "You better go."

It took him several seconds to respond. "I'm sorry."

Buffy's eyes widened. He had absolutely nothing to be sorry for.

"No." She shook her head quickly. "I'm *so* grateful thatyou came, Angel. I didn't think I was gonna be able to make it through the night."

Angel looked to the stars, then to her. "We still have a few more minutes before I have to go."

They looked at each other intently.

"Good." That made her very happy. She leaned into him once more, and again, he embraced her. "Good." She closed her eyes. "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but we've already given into temptation, so...I love you. I know we say we don't to make the distance easier to cope with, but what we just did kinda cancels that lie out, don'tcha think?"

"I guess it does." He smiled.

"I don't want you to leave, and then us to be strangers again. To hate each other. There are certain indisputable facts in life, and it's time we both stopped pretending. I love you. I accept that, and I won't fight it anymore."

"Buffy..."

"I know we can't. Not now. But at least we'll be secure in knowing that we've ruined every other possible fish in the sea for one another."

"Buffy..." He tried again.

"The reason I think it was so difficult being around you before, was cause I kept telling myself I didn't feel anything. But as long as we're clear on that now, I don't see any reason why we can't have contact on a regular basis. If we avoid the kissing and touching part. Tonight being the exception, of course. You could call me, I could call you, some monster pops up and -"

"Buffy."

She heard him that time. "Yeah?"

"I love you too."

Her brain slowed down, and her eyes began to well up. "Don't die on me, Angel. I couldn't take it. Not after mom. I have to know you're out there somewhere."

Angel ran his finger down her cheek, wiping away a falling tear. "Don't die on me, either. Promise me."

"I promise." But could they keep them? That wasn't the point just yet. "Do you ever think we'll get our time?"

A certain prophecy came to mind, but that was definitely something to be told later.

"That's one of the few beliefs I've been able to hold onto."

"Let's make a deal. One call a night. Doesn't matter who makes it, but we have to stay in touch."

"I'd like that." Angel stood, bringing her up with him. "I'll walk you home."

"The sun?"

"It can wait."

Buffy took one last look at her mother's grave, and then began the trek out of the cemetery, her hand in Angel's. A few minutes had passedwhen she coughed.

"Darla, huh?"

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