SPAMFIC!: A Twisted follow up on 'The Gift' Stir and serve with Noodles.

[Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx]

Willow was in the graveyard. Again.

Xander stood silently behind her as she paid her respects to their
friend, their Slayer, Buffy.

"WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" Willow cried. "I MISS HER SO MUCH!!

She had her arms wrapped around a headstone and the cement was
slowly cracking under her deathgrip.

"WHY DID SHE HAVE TO LEAVE US? WHY??" Willow managed to choke
out between sobs. Her grip tightened and the headstone gave another
ominious creak.

Xander came up behind her and placed his hand on Willow's
shoulder. "Shhh.." He said. "You're making a spectacle of yourself.
Everybody's staring!"

"I don't care!" Willow screamed. "Let them look! Let them know
what they tossed away, someone who fought for them! Someone who died
for them! Someone I can never have back!!"

"And those are fine points Willow." Xander said. "But Buffy's
grave is over there." And he pointed to a headstone two down to their
left.

Willow blinked. Thought about it for a second and blinked
again.

"Then who's grave..??" She pried her body away from the, now
somewhat fractured, tombstone and got a good look at the inscription.


MORRIS P. SNIDLEY

BORN: WE CAN'T REMEMBER.
DIED: WHO CARES?

MASS MURDERER
DRUG PUSHER
SUSPECTED DEMOCRAT


"Eek!" Willow said while jumping into Xander's arms. "A
Democrat!"

"Yeah." Xander said in agreement. "True evil."




She was in a great Hall. And we mean GREAT Hall.
Big..stretching away into infinity in all directions. Up, down, left,
right, before her, behind her..infinite. She was floating in the
middle of this great hall and filling it were ..entities. Even though
it was well lit she could not make any features out of the audiance
therein. Whenever she tried to look directly at one their faces would
slowy fade away into darkness leaving only their eyes..their burning,
burning eyes left to glow from the shadows.

"Hmmm.." Buffy thought. "I'm naked."

With that realization she instantly covered her breasts with
both arms and curles her legs underneath. She was not floating in a
kinda fetal position. From around her she heard some muffled,
"Well..darn.'s." Occasionally someone shouted, "Party pooper!"

Buffy was tempted to stick her tounge out at some of this
mysterious council but before she could act on her thoughts...


"IT IS NOT YOUR TIME!" A great voice rumbled. Rolling across
the infinite room like a great wave. It rebounded off walls that
shouldn't have been there, this room being infinite and all, and
rolled back the way they had come. Hey, it's a place of power,
anything goes.

"What?" Buffy asked.

"I SAID 'IT IS NOT YOUR..SSSQQEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" And a
horrible burst of feedback sent shockwaves of awful sound rocketing
around the room.

"God damn cheap ass tech!" The..now not so great voice cursed.
"Hold on just mo'"

There was the sound of muffled conversation.

"No no..the sound system is far..."

"A short maybe?"

"How should I know? This is Frank's department!"

"Ahhhh..Hell with this. As I was saying..It Is Not
Your..hey..hey you! Wake up!"

Buffy had nodded off. "Mmmm...chocolate and whipped cream
again? But where's the cherry? What? W'say Willow? No cherry..oh..Oz
got the cherry...thass okay..chocloate Willow S'yummy..." She
murmered.

"Hey! I said wake up you!"

"No, wait" Another voice cried. "Let her keep going, I'm taking
notes!"

"You shut the hell up George!" The first voice said. "You think
I don't know about 'little trips' to the Red Light Districts? Huh? Do
you?"

The second voice remained quiet. Someone, somewhere applauded.

"Right then. Where were we?" The first..and still no longer
quite so great..voice said. "Ah yes. Sorry Summer's but we gotta have
you in the land of the..um..not sleeping."

With a snap of his fingers a small bolt of lightning came
flying out of the ether and nailed Buffy's sleeping, floating, figure
in her fine toned derrier.

*ZAP* "YEEEK!"

In an instant Buffy had gone tearing across the chamber,
that's right she crossed infinity, she's the Slayer..she can do
anything, and proceded to strangle the hell out of the figure who was
the owner of the Not So Great Voice(Patent Pending.)

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA!" Buffy thundered while shaking the
figure around like a rag doll. "HOW MUCH WORK I PUT INTO THAT ASS?"

> > From the seats directly below where she was floating she heard
yet another voice say. "Boy..do we ever!"

Despite the lack of physics Buffy managed to put quite a lot
of force into a downward stomp, she wasn't sure what she broke on the
figure's face, but the crunching sound made her feel ever so much
better. In a slightly more relaxed mood she continued to choke the
living shit out of T.N.S.G.V.'ed figure.(Not So Great Voiced.)

She vented for a few more seconds before throwing him back in
his seat. "If that leaves a scar I'll kill you." She said before
floating back into the 'middle' of the Infinite Great Big Hall.

"So," She said. "I'm not supposed to be dead?"

The Figure of Voice coughed a few times and managed to rasp out
a husky. "No."

He cleared his throat a few times and gave a thankful nod to
someone who handed him a glass of water.

"No." He repeated in a voice that was supposed to be strong and
powerful. Because of the battering he had just recieved it actually
sounded kind of wheezy.

"Your time has not come. Your battles must continue. You must
go back." He concluded.

"Cool." Buffy said. "How?"

"With this." A small ball of pure white light formed in front
of Buffy. Within the sphere she could make out a shape..the shape of
something powerful..something holy..something..not of this World.

Buffy reached out with one hand, only shaking a little in
trepidation, and touched her destiny.



"So you see Tara," Willow said. "Even though you have recovered
from your brief stint as the center of a Jelly Doughnut I just don't
find myself intrested anymore. I'm sorry."

The redhead stared contritly at the floor, her hands folded in
her lap.

The blonde witch, who was sitting directly across from her,
slowly took the words in. She thought about it for a moment.

"That's okay Willow." She finally said. "I think I understand
my true destiny now anyway and I'm afraid you were not meant to be a
part of it."

"You mean?" Willow looked up.

"Yes!" Tara said. "I'm giving up my Earth Mother, tree hugging
ways..I'm going to learn real power! I'm going to be..." She paused
dramatically. "A Pyschic for the Stars!" She finished her sentence
with her arms flung wide open like someone embracing the coming of a
brand new day.

"You go girl!" Willow cheered her now ex-lover on.

"Gee, thanks Willow!" Tara smiled back.

"No," Willow said. "I mean you go. Now. Out the door. Get
going, get gone! C'mon now, hurry. Move it..destiny waits for no
man..or woman..or skanky..um..nobody."

In a flurry of activity Willow helped Tara get everything she
might need packed, only occasionally having to use arcane bolts of
lightning to 'motivate' the blonde. This actually proved to have a
detrimental effect on the speed of the packing as after every magical
zap, the blonde would stiffen for a few seconds, than let out a low
moan of delight before murmering, "Oooo..just like last night."

Eventually all was done and Tara was out the door with all her
stuff packed. She waved goodbye to Willow with all her stuff in the
back of a large Nineteen Fifty convertable and roared off into the
sunset. Being as the sunset is actually the SUN she was fried to a
crispy critter in under zero point three seconds.

Willow sat in her room..now alone.

"Alone." She thought. "Forever and ever alone."

She could feel the begining fingers of depression coming over
her.

"I don't want to be depressed." She thought. "I know, I'll
masturbate!"

And she reached under her bed and grabbed her 'little friend'.



Joe Becker lived in the room next door to what had been, up
until a few minutes ago, the Wiccan's Room. He was a jock, he was very
good at sports. Because he was a jock and good at sports he had been
allowed into college. But Joe Becker was not your average Jock.

Joe Becker actually wanted to be something more!
Joe Becker actually wanted to be somebody!
Joe Becker was studying.

Joe Becker heard what sounded like a chainsaw starting up,
coming from 'The Wiccans Room'. He let his head rest on the open pages
of his textbook and started to quietly cry.

"Not again." He sobbed. "I'm never gonna pass!"


Willow didn't get very far. She had just finished filling the
gas tank and replacing the spark plug when she was interupted by a
knock on the door.

"Figures." She grumbled and went to answer it.

She flug open the door with an exaspeated snarl of "Now
wh..Buffy?"

And indeed it was her.

Her long golden hair cascaded over her shoulders like a
waterfall. Deep blue eyes met green from under bright, shiney locks.
One creamy shoulder was exposed from the extra wide neckline of the
minty green, very short shirt she was wearing. With every breath she
took, Willow could see the barest hint of the underside of her
breasts. The white leather pants she wore hugged skin and flesh all
the way down those long, powerful legs.

Skin that was warm.
Flesh that was alive!

She looked like an angel, she looked like a goddess! She
looked..

"Yummy!" Willow breathed.

"Uh..hi." Buffy said. "Can I come in?"

Wordlessly Willow stepped aside letting The Slayer enter. She
noticed Buffy had her arms behind her back.

"Buffy? But..you..that is...died..and..buried..gravestone..how?"
She stuttered.

Buffy shrugged. "I was called back by a higher power."

Willow's eyes widened. "The Powers that Be?"

Buffy shook her head. "Greater."

"The Gods?" Willow squeaked.

Again Buffy shook her head. "Greater."

Willow felt all the blood drain from her face. It couldn't
have..no..they never directly..they were only rumored to..it wasn't
possible..but it was the only answer left.

"The Neilsons." She answered her own question.

"Yep." Buffy confirmed. "They gave me this in case it ever
happens again too."

She took one hand from behind her back and handed Willow what
she held. Willow's features creased a little in that cute little way
that had had Buffy panting over her since she had seen Willow's High
School Yearbook photo. Willow read the lable on the sacred object she
held.

RESSURECTION ROLL ON DEODERANT

GOOD ENOUGH FOR MEN WITH CROSS FETISHES
BUT MADE FOR A SLAYER


"Wow." Willow breathed.

"Yeah." Buffy replied smirking slightly.

"So.." Willow said.

"So.." Buffy replied again, still wearing her smirk.

"What else ya got behind your back?" Willow asked. "The Holy
Grail?"

Still smirking Buffy revealed her other presents. A can of
whipped cream, chocolate syrup and a whole bag of heavenly cherries.

"I'm hungry." She said and kicked the door shut.

Joe Becker didn't get much studying done for a very long time.

End


Authors notes: Written to answer the challenge.
Written to bring some light hearted humor here.
Written to put a smile back on Carol's face.
This ones for you Carol!
I'm going to Hell for this, I just know it.
I remain, as always,
Mad-Hamlet