FF: Sacrifice of the Soul 2/2

["Aeryn Sun" <WilloSpice@xxxxxxx>]

Grr...not my night apparently. Can you believe it dumped the last 
ten pages?

Here they are along with the last paragraph.

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"It's not you, Buffy. It's me," Willow said in a voice rich with 
unshead tears. Buffy got up off the bed and approached her best 
friend who had obviously suffered in her absence and who had gone 
above and beyond to bring her back. Inside, Buffy's spirit soared 
with the knowledge that Willow cared so deeply for her and still felt 
she needed her despite her own abilities as a Wicca.

"Why is it you?" she asked very gently, as she stood behind Willow, 
afraid to crowd the girl. Willow's shoulders started to shake.

"I can't&" she started. "I can't do this, Buffy. I can't." she 
whispered. Buffy closed the space between them and wrapped her arms 
around the distraught Wicca's waist.

"What can't you do, Willow? What is it?" Buffy beseeched her 
friend. She had to know why Willow was so upset.

"I can't lose you again. I can't go back as if everything is fine 
because it's not," Willow answered, her voice losing the whispered 
quality and becoming hard. She turned around to face Buffy and Buffy 
saw the fear and anger in Willow's eyes.

"You're mad at me for dying, aren't you?" Buffy asked, destroyed by 
the knowledge. She hung her head down so low that Willow couldn't 
see her face through her hair. Willow's emotions immediately changed 
from anger to guilt at the pain and agony in the voice of the woman 
she loved.

"No, no it's not that, Buffy. Please don't think that. What 
happened wasn't your fault, you did what you had to to protect Dawn 
and save the rest of us. I don't, I could never hold that against 
you." Buffy raised her head to look at Willow and the tears that were 
flowing down Buffy's cheeks saddened Willow.

"Then what is it?" she repeated just above a whisper. Willow sighed 
and bit her lip. `How do I tell her I love her and have her not 
think it's only because I lost her or something?' Willow 
wondered. "Easy, don't tell her,' the voice answered. She sighed 
again.

"I meant that losing you was so hard and I'm afraid that if it 
happens again that I won't be able to go on. I know that that sounds 
pathetically dependent or something but it's the way I feel."

"Is that what you're afraid of?"

"Mostly. I mean, Goddess, Buffy you were dead!" Willow's voice 
became a shout and she pulled away from Buffy. Buffy watched the 
suddenly mercurial emotions coming from the normally calm Willow with 
interest. She knew that on some level Willow was still grieving, 
even though she was standing right in front of her. Still confused, 
Buffy decided to try and see things from Willow's point of 
view. `What would I do, how would I act if Willow were to die?' she 
asked herself. She suppressed the shiver that tried to work its way 
up her spine at the mere thought. `I'd probably not take it as well 
as she did. Look how I acted when I lost Dawn to Glory,' Buffy 
reminded herself. `Didn't take that very well and Dawn was still 
alive. I'd feel lost, hopeless, worthless, powerless and any 
other `less' I could think of.' Finally she understood.

"You think it was your fault I died," Buffy said unbelievably. `How 
could Willow ever think that?' Willow's face was streaked with tears.

"I was so preoccupied with Tara and getting her mind back that I 
wasn't paying close enough attention. I KNEW there was someone up 
there with Dawn and I didn't act fast enough, didn't DO enough and 
you suffered because of it. You put your faith in me and I let you 
down!" Willow ranted the truth of how she felt finally breaking 
through the walls that she had meticulously built around herself.  
Buffy was speechless as she watched Willow's entire world crash down 
upon her. Now Buffy understood the fear and detatchment Willow was 
presenting and she had to admit Willow had done a good job blaming 
herself. `She learned it from watching me,' Buffy told 
herself. `Self-incrimination is one of my specialties.'  

"You think you let me down," she said more as a statement than as a 
question. Willow nodded and wrapped her arms around herself.

"I did. When you really needed me I let you down and you died. You 
lost your life, Dawn lost her sister and I lost the best friend I 
ever had because I wasn't good enough. I failed." Buffy walked over 
to her and enveloped her in a gentle but loving hug. She felt 
Willow's body stiffen at the embrace and her heart lurched.

"You could never let me down, Willow. You did your best. You got 
Tara back, you warned Spike that there was someone else there and 
helped him get up to Dawn. You can't blame yourself because 
something was out of your control." She felt Willow's body relax 
slightly as she spoke. "What is it you want me to say, Will? I 
don't hold it against you, if that's what you think. There's nothing 
to hold against you. You did everything right, it was the situation 
that was wrong." Willow's body began to shake as she started to cry 
in earnest for the first time since Buffy died. Soon her legs were 
unable to support her and Buffy had to help her to her knees. Willow 
buried her face against Buffy who held on as sobs rocked the other 
girls' frame.

"Please forgive me," Willow sobbed. Buffy's heart broke at the pain 
Willow was in. She stroked the hair away from Willow's forehead and 
kissed the top of her head gently.

"There is nothing to forgive, Willow. I love you, you're my best 
friend and I owe you much more than my life," she paused waiting for 
Willow to say something but she heard nothing but sobs. She 
sighed. "But if it's what you need to hear, Will, I forgive you."  
This comment ignited a fresh wave of tears from Willow and Buffy 
thought for a moment that she had said the wrong thing. Finally 
after several minutes she heard Willow's gentle voice.

"Thank you," Willow whispered with a voice hoarse from crying. She 
leaned heavily against Buffy. "I'm just so tired," she admitted with 
a cry-induced hiccup. Buffy nodded.

"Then rest. We're going home soon, to Sunnydale, home sweet Hell.  
Why don't we rest until then?" she felt Willow nod. It took a little 
effort but they managed to collapse on the bed a few minutes later 
and they both fell into an exhausted sleep.


The ride home to Sunnydale was made in relative silence with Dawn, 
Buffy and Willow riding with Giles while Tara went with Xander and 
Anya. Buffy felt bad for poor Tara, having to ride with Anya and her 
blunt way of putting things. She was probably unknowingly hurting 
Tara's feelings with comments about her breakup with Willow. Xander 
had all ready had to shush her twice at Angel's for her comments.  
Buffy idly wondered if Anya would ever catch on to `appropriate' 
conversation topics and `inappropriate' conversation topics. But 
then, Buffy suspected that Anya knew and understood a lot more than 
she let on. `You can't possibly live for over 1,000 years and still 
not have a clue, could you?'

She was broken from her musings as Willow's head stirred from its 
place on her lap. They had been awakened an hour or so after they'd 
fallen asleep and gotten in the car. Willow had immediately fallen 
asleep again and Buffy had pulled the girl closer so they both would 
be more comfortable. Giles and Dawn had said nothing from the front 
seat about it and Buffy was glad. She really didn't look forward to 
ever explaining her feelings towards Willow to Giles. Hell, she 
couldn't talk about them to Willow and the girl certainly had a right 
to know.

"Where are we?" Willow asked her, her voice full of sleep. Buffy 
smiled.

"Not far from home. Rest, I'll wake you when we get there. Besides, 
you need to rest, Xander and Anya are planning a huge victory 
celebration for when we get there."

"Ducky," Willow mumbled and then grimaced when she tried to shift 
position. Buffy was immediately concerned.

"You're side?" Willow nodded.

"Hurts," she hissed through clenched teeth. Buffy helped her sit up 
and they took a look at the wound. It was still bleeding and had 
soaked through the bandages Buffy had put on it before they left. 
Buffy sighed.

"I told you it needed stitches," she admonished. "When we get home I 
think you'd better see a doctor." She was rewarded with an odd 
smile. Buffy frowned. "What's so funny?"

"Could you see me explaining that one to the ER staff? `Uh, yeah, 
you see, my friend died a few weeks back and we found a way to bring 
her back and the beings that returned her gave me this as a sort of 
payment.' They'll send me to the loony bin. Thanks but no thanks.  
Besides, it'll be fine in a day or so." Buffy was unconvinced.

"You're just being stubborn," she pointed out. Willow nodded.

"Yup, mostly," she yawned. "But so are you. Anyway, I'm gonna go 
back to my nap now. You make a nice pillow, you know." She put her 
head back down and missed the deep blush Buffy displayed as she 
thought about being a human pillow for Willow. `I really like the 
thought of that.'

"Yup, that's me. Just call me `Willow Pillow'," she started to 
ramble. She was stopped from continuing when Willow raised her head 
and looked at her, eyebrow raised. Buffy shrugged.

"Take a nap, Buff. You need it too," Willow ordered. Buffy gave her 
a mock salute.

"Yes, ma'am, Willow ma'am," and she put her head back on the seat and 
let her mind drift. `I will tell you soon, Willow, just how deeply I 
love you. I swear it.'



The party was fun but it was soon obvious that the two guests of 
honor were too pooped to pop so good-nights were said and Xander and 
Anya headed back to his place for the first time in weeks and Giles 
decided to check his flat. He'd been neglecting his housekeeping 
duties and the group shuttered to think of the dust that must have 
accumulated in his absence. Tara had left shortly after arriving 
home but promised to come by and check on them in the morning. Buffy 
was sitting on one end of the couch trying to still the growing 
butterflies in her stomach. She wasn't going to wait any longer to 
tell Willow how she really felt. In the car on the ride home she'd 
had another nightmare invloving Willow dying and she didn't want 
another moment pass without the truth being out there. `Oh, how X-
Files of me.' She had to make sure Willow knew just in case the 
unthinkable happened (again) and to Hell with the consequences.

"Will, could we talk?" Buffy asked hestitantly after everyone had 
gone home. Dawn had gone upstairs to her room earlier and left the 
two older girls alone. Willow shrugged and flopped down on the couch 
with a loud fwump. She winced at the pain the action sent up her 
injured side.

"Sure. What's on your mind?" While Willow's voice sounded 
nonchalant, inside her emotions were swirling out of control. After 
her mental meltdown earlier, she was afraid that Buffy figured out 
how she felt and was repelled by it. She was scared that Buffy 
didn't want to be friends anymore. That would undoubtedly kill the 
young Wicca and she knew it. Buffy was her everything, her lifeline 
and reason for living and sure, maybe it wasn't healthy to feel that 
strongly about a person but she couldn't help it. If Buffy turned 
her away it would be far worse than losing her to death because it 
would be Buffy's choice. She was dimly aware that Buffy was speaking 
again.

"There's something that I swore to myself I was going to tell you.  
That I was going to say it and get it over with because neither of us 
can afford to go on living this way. We've been lying to ourselves, 
Will, and it has to stop. Before it destroys this friendship." `Oh, 
Goddess, she really is going to tell me she's disgusted by me and 
that she wants me to get out of her life! I'll die! Please don't 
Buffy, please', Willow begged internally. Her insides twisted 
painfully and a band constricted around her chest choking the air 
from her lungs. Buffy was oblivious to her friends' discomfort and 
impending panic because she was concentrating so hard on what it was 
she wanted to say and trying to fight her own panic and anxiety.

"Anyway, I'm just going to do it but stay with me, it isn't going to 
be easy."

"Oh, OK. Just say it, Buffy." Willow said around the rapidly growing 
lump in her throat. "Whatever it is I'm sure it's not as bad as 
you're making it sound."

"You might not think that after I'm done. OK, here goes." She took a 
deep cleansing breath and let go. "Do you remember that conversation 
we had months ago in the dorm? The one about soulmates and 
balance?" Willow thought for a moment and then nodded.

"Yeah, why?" `Not what I was expecting to hear, but OK. Maybe she's 
finally going to tell me who it was she had been talking about.  
Going to tell me who I finally lost her forever to.'

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about that conversation and how 
you reacted to it. You said some pretty wonderful things to me, you 
know that?"

"I only told you the truth. Any guy'd be lucky to have you." `Even 
if I wish it could be me. I swear that if anyone ever hurts you 
again I WILL beat them over the head with a shovel. Just because 
Riley escaped my wrath&'

"What if it wasn't a guy I was in love with?" Buffy asked with a shy 
smile. She couldn't wait to see the look on Willow's face. And 
Willow didn't disappoint. Buffy was sure if Willow's eyes bugged out 
any further that they'd land with a splat on the floor.

"WHAT?" Willow's voice was strained and about three octaves too 
high. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. `Could Buffy 
really have fallen for a woman? Who? Anya? Cordy? Someone from 
school or, could it, oh Goddess please, be me?'

"You heard me. What if it was a woman that I fell for? What would 
you say then?" The color seemed to drain from Willow's face for a 
minute before returning a moment later only few shades darker.

"Welcome to my side of the sandbox?" Willow joked weakly. Her head 
was spinning so fast she thought she was going to pass out and she 
was having difficulty stringing two thoughts together. "Seriously, 
I'd say the same thing. She'd be lucky to have you. But Buffy, 
you've never given any indication that you were anything but 
straight. Why the sudden change of heart?" she asked when she was 
finally able to speak. Buffy shrugged.

"It wasn't sudden. And maybe it was because I can't control who 
holds my heart and the other half of my soul. Maybe it was because I 
was so blind to what was right in front of me that I denied it for so 
long. Maybe I was afraid to lose the most important person in my 
life because I had a raging case of Slayer hormones but it turned out 
to be so much more. I don't know why, Will, I just know is. And 
this love is&" she paused, searching for the right 
words. "Overwhelming. Perfect. Whole and right and nothing can 
change that."

"Who?" Whereas Willow's voice was strained and high moments earlier, 
now it was scarcely above a whisper. So much was riding on that one 
question; her hopes, her fears and above all else her heart. But she 
had to know, regardless of who it was. Time seemed to stop as she 
waited for Buffy's answer. Buffy just smiled.

"Aren't you listening? Gee, for the smart one you sure are slow 
sometimes. I love you Willow Rosenberg, with all my heart and soul 
in a way that I have never loved anyone before. I can't change that 
but I'm not going to hide from it anymore either. You're my other 
half, my soulmate, Will. I know that with absolute certainty." Buffy 
told her with such conviction in her voice that Willow 
had no doubt that she was telling the truth. And with that 
realization, Willow's world spun off its axis. She saw colors swirl 
in front of her eyes and felt the couch beneath her list to the 
side. It was a few moments before she heard and interpretted Buffy's 
words of concern.

"Oh, my God, Willow, are you all right? You look like you're about 
to pass out. I didn't mean to upset you I just can't keep it inside 
anymore. You mean too much to me&"

"You love me&are in love with me&in like a head-over-heels type of 
love?" Willow interrupted, finally in charge of her faculties again.  
Buffy nodded.

"Yes, even in babble mode," she said with a smile. "Head-over-heels, 
ass-over-teakettle kind of love." Then she frowned at Willow's 
continuing silence. "Please don't hate me," she begged afraid that 
Willow would do just that. Willow reached out with a trembling hand 
and grasped Buffy's hand. She locked her fingers around Buffy's and 
brought both up to her face. She placed Buffy's hand against her 
cheek and nuzzled it softly. Buffy felt all her worry and fear melt 
away with that simple action. She knew without a doubt that Willow 
felt the same way. The love that was radiating from Willow's soft 
green eyes nearly took her breath away.

"I could never hate you, Buffy. I love you too much. I just&I 
didn't know what to say. Imagine that, me, the chronic babbler had 
nothing to say. I just never dreamed, never let myself hope that you 
might feel the same kind of love for me that I do for you. And then 
I lost you," tears sprang into Willow's eyes as she remembered the 
events of the past few weeks and the pain that accompanied it. Buffy 
reached up with her other hand and wiped the tears away as they 
fell. "And I thought I'd never get another chance to tell you, to 
share with you." Willow admitted. Another thought popped into her 
head. "You were trying to tell me that night in the dorm, weren't 
you?" Buffy nodded.

"In my own pathetic and vague sort of way, yeah, I was. I had 
realized before then that my feelings for you were more than 
friendly. But there was always something, or someone that just made 
it so the timing was never right. Angel, Parker, Oz, Tara, Riley, 
they all got in the way or some upcoming apocalyptic event was 
screwing with our lives. And I never told you when I had a calm 
moment for fear of driving you away. I need you in my life, Wills, 
more than you know. Be it as a friend or more&" they were both 
excited by the possibility of `more'. Buffy slid closer to Willow on 
the couch.

"Whatcha thinking?" Buffy asked after Willow closed her eyes and was 
silent a little longer. She slid an arm around Willow's shoulders.

"That I could die happy knowing that you love me." Buffy frowned.

"No Way, Wills. I'm not letting you go anytime soon. Besides, I've 
had enough adventures in death to last me, well, a lifetime."

"You're right. I'm sorry. I guess then that I am at last content.  
Finally contented and happy." Willow told her honestly. She let out a 
long sigh and put her head on the back of the couch. Buffy smiled at 
the display and couldn't resist poking a little fun. She just wanted 
to hear Willow's voice again and be reassured that this was real and 
not a dream or nightmare.

"Was I that boring, Will?" Buffy joked while reaching out to twirl a 
piece of Willow's hair around her finger. She finally felt free from 
everything that was weighing her down. She knew that tomorrow she'd 
have to deal with new problems, new ordeals that would be difficult 
but she also knew that with Willow by her side and with Willow's love 
she would face it all. `Besides, that's tomorrow, this was now.'

"Never, Buffy. There is no such thing as a boring moment with you 
around. Not that that's a bad thing or anything because it doesn't 
always mean something bad. It could mean something good and usually 
does especially when you're involved," Willow babbled. Buffy sat 
back and watched. "I just meant that you always bring something new 
and fresh to my life, to all of our lives and it's what I love about 
you. Well, it's one of the things but it's not the only thing 
because there is so much to love about you and please have mercy and 
stop my babbling&" Buffy laughed and then did the only thing she 
could do to stop Willow's mouth from rambling. Something she had 
wanted to do for a very long time. She kissed her gently and when 
she felt Willow relax into her, she felt everything fall into place. 

Everything starting from the day she first met Merrick and was sent 
on the wild path to her destiny as the Slayer was meant to bring her 
to Willow. She knew that now, unequivocally. And it made everything 
along the way worth it.

"Oh, wow that was&" Willow started after they broke apart. She saw 
the dazed look in Buffy's eyes and was sure that the same look was 
mirrored in her own.

"Good&" Buffy finished for her in the same whispered tone. She ran a 
finger over her lips, which were still tingling from the warmth of 
Willow's lips. They sat there like that for several minutes, just 
looking at each other. Buffy eventually looked away as a nagging 
thought continued to bother her. Willow leaned in closer to catch 
her eye.

"You're OK with this, right? You don't regret what we just said or 
did, do you?" her voice got progressively smaller as she spoke and 
Buffy snapped her head back up in surprise. She cupped Willow's face 
in her hands and stared at her intently hoping she'd understand.

"What? Oh, never, Willow. Please don't think I could ever regret 
loving you or letting you know it's just&" she trailed off.

"Are you afraid of what Dawn or our friends are going to think?  
Because I think you should know that Dawn knew how we felt before we 
did," she said with a laugh. Buffy joined her.

"Yeah, I know. She told me. I think her exact words were `someone's 
gotta light a fire under both your asses' or something of the sort.  
That's not it because even if she didn't know, I wouldn't care if I 
had her or anyone else's approval. All I care about it you." Willow 
blushed at the love behind the words.

"Then what is it then? You know you can tell me anything."

"It's just&" she sighed. "You deserve so much, Willow. You deserve 
everything. But I can't promise you everything. I can't promise you 
the stars or anything. I swear I would if I could but I can't.  
Hell, I can barely promise you tomorrow. In my line of work, 
everyday is a gift that can be taken at anytime. I think recent 
events proved that. I want to give you everything but all I have is 
me." Buffy finally admitted. Her deepest fear being that she 
wouldn't be enough for Willow and that one-day she would lose her.  
She couldn't promise not to die, it'd already been proven that she 
could die and probably would again. Only next time, chances were she 
wouldn't be coming back.

Willow wiped the tears off of her face and then the ones that had 
rolled down Buffy's face as she spoke. She had never heard anything 
so sweet and loving come from anyone. And she certainly never heard 
the level of vulnerability she was hearing come from Buffy. She was 
deeply touched that Buffy was being so open and honest with her and 
wanted nothing more than to allay her love's fears.

"That's all I ask, Buff. I don't want the stars, the moon, the sun 
or any of that. It's all icing, an added bonus to having you." She 
continued to stroke Buffy's cheek. "This may sound cheesy, but, you 
are my sun, my moon and my guiding star. You have been since we 
met. Don't be upset that you think you have nothing to offer me.  
You are all I want." Buffy started to cry in earnest, the relief was 
that strong. She had no doubt that Willow meant every word she said.

"Thank you, Willow."

"No problem, it's only the truth. Look, I don't know what's going to 
happen tomorrow any more than you do. But now that we both know how 
we feel about each other, I'm ready to face whatever comes our way.  
I can face it knowing you love me and I will never have any regrets 
about any of it. Ever."

"Me either," Buffy agreed. Willow stared at her for a few minutes.  
Or rather, she stared at Buffy's lips, remembering how soft and warm 
they felt against her own. Buffy knew what she was thinking and 
smiled.

"Hey, Buffy, you know that kiss we shared a few minutes ago?" Willow 
asked quietly. Buffy's smile grew wider.

"Yeah," she drawled, trying to sound sultry. To her own ears, she 
sounded silly, but the smile on Willow's face told her that she 
didn't.

"Could we&" Willow started to ask. Buffy started to nod.

"Do that again? Yeah, sure, you betcha," Buffy answered as she moved 
in for another kiss. While the first kiss had been gentle, curious, 
this one was positively electric. Energy seemed to course through 
and between the two and flowed to every cell in their bodies. It 
infused them with a part of the other and it was in that moment that 
their two souls touched. Two half-souls that had been searching for 
their mates throughout time connected and were finally made whole.

Buffy and Willow were oblivious to these little facts for now, 
content to simply be in the moment together. Whatever happened in 
the past, whatever might happen in the future didn't matter. Only 
this moment in time did. And they were more than willing to embrace 
this particular moment and each other.

Unnoticed to either of them, a figure sat silently on the stairs 
watching them. She'd only been there for a few minutes but long 
enough to know that everything was finally as it should be. 

"Yes," Dawn said to herself while smiling so wide she thought her 
face would split in two. She stood up and quietly went back to her 
room. She knew her sister was alive and happy at last and that was 
all Dawn needed to know.



::::Bwha ha ha ha ha...it's finally done! My first full length Buffy 
fic! It only took me from June 25th to now (July 4th) to finish.  
It's a minute before midnight EST as I write this and I am 
EXHAUSTED! But I'm proud of the finished product and hope you like 
it.-Aeryn::::walking away happy to refill her sippy cup::::