Re: FF: Sacrifice of the Soul

["Melinda" <msantoyo@xxxxxxxxx>]

Aeryn! wonderful! loved this latest part I can't wait for the next part!!
Melinda
----- Original Message -----
From: "Aeryn Sun" <WilloSpice@xxxxxxx>
To: <buffyloveswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Thursday, July 05, 2001 12:16 AM
Subject: FF: Sacrifice of the Soul


What is it with my computer crapping out when I try to post? Geeze.
This is my 2nd attempt at posting this bad boy.

Anyway, I am hopelessly addicted, thank you very much. =)


Title: Sacrifice of the Soul
Author: Aeryn Sun
Feedback: Sure, be nice though. Flames are for bbq-ing, not
criticism. If you can't say something nice, choke and die. <j/k>
Archiving: You want this piece of crap? Well, ask first, I'll say
yes, I just want to know where it goes. I like to visit and bring
candy. Lots of chocolatey goodness.
Rating: R, I guess. Although, there isn't any graphic violence or
language beyond a normal episode so, whatever. TV-M maybe?
Spoilers: Everything up to and including The Gift. If any of this
story contains spoilers for Season 6, which I seriously doubt it
does, I apologize.
Summary: My take on a resolution to `The Gift' and a prequel of sorts
to the Chemistry trilogy. Yes, it's presently becoming a trilogy
with Tara's POV next. I'll finish and post that soon, promise.
Author's notes: I knew after writing the Chemistry trilogy (there's
that word again) that I was going to have to go back and write my
version of how they got Buffy back. This is my humble attempt. My
muse has switched from drinking Cherry Mountain Dew to Peppermint
Patties with cherry Pepsi, in case anyone was wondering. And I still
don't have a spell checker.
Warning/Disclaimer: If the idea of a relationship between two women
that goes deeper than friendship is offensive or bothers you, man,
are you lost! The Prude Power mailing list is over there:::points to
the far right:::: Leave now or forever be sucked into the Alt
universe. I wasn't fast enough and look at me now (not that I'm
complaining ;)) Characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss
and Mutant Enemy. Goddess bless them. And ListMom and Dad too.





> > > > Excerpt from the diary of Willow Rosenberg:


It's been a little over two weeks since we buried her, the woman who
was unknowingly the center of my universe. It was undoubtedly the
hardest thing I have ever had to do, give her body over for proper
burial. I didn't want to let go she looked so innocent and peaceful
lying there. There wasn't a mark on her, anyone that didn't know
what had just occurred would have simply thought she was sleeping.
But she wasn't and I knew it. The lifeforce, the spark that made her
who she was was gone. Goddess, I feel like I died right along with
her. I wish I had.

It was decided, after the initial shock wore off that we had to let
Angel know that Buffy was dead. It wouldn't be right to tell him
over the phone so I volunteered to go to L.A. and tell him. The
others think it was because I cared for Angel and wanted to be there
for him, but it wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I like Angel now that he
has a soul again but that's not the reason I went. I went because I
couldn't bear to stay in town or deal with my friend's concern over
me. I don't want their pity. Sunnydale was where I met Buffy, hung
out with her, and went to school with her, got mocas with her.
Everything around me was a big blaring reminder of what I had lost.
Lost because I let my fear run my life. If I had just been honest
with her like I always was about everything else in my life, well,
maybe she would have been upset but at least she would have known.
And I wouldn't have this unbearable weight of regret and sorrow
pulling my soul down into darkness.

I love her, more than anyone, even me, realized. Yes, she was my
best friend but I realized a while ago that I was in love with Buffy
and not Tara. I've only stayed with Tara because I know Buffy
doesn't (didn't) return my feelings. Tara is safe and I don't have
to be alone if I'm with her. I didn't want to hurt either of them
with the truth so I kept it to myself and now it's too late. Too
late to tell her, too late to explain, and too late to apologize. I
made a mess of things and I hate myself for it.

Goddess, how can this hurt so much? I feel like I've swallowed razor
blades and they're ripping me apart from the inside out. My blood
has turned to acid and my heart feels like someone reached into my
chest and tore it from me with their bare hands before they staked
it. I don't care how gruesome a visual it is it pales in comparison
to the true feeling. I'm dying inside, I can feel it. All the
energy and light I usually feel is dimming a little with every
passing moment without her. My Buffy. And I don't know what to do.
And quite frankly, I don't care if my heart stops. At least this
pain would stop too.

> > > End Excerpt


Willow slammed her laptop shut in with uncharacteristic violence and
ran a frustrated hand through her hair. She had hoped that writing
down how she felt would somehow ease the ache that had settled in her
chest but it hadn't. If anything it had made her feel worse. She
closed her eyes, wishing for a moment of peace. Unfortunately all
she could see when she closed her eyes was Buffy. Buffy smiling,
Buffy laughing, crying, talking. Buffy lying there dead. Her eyes
snapped back open but the images remained. With a cry born of rage
and grief, she stood up, grabbed a nearby picture frame and hurled it
across the room where it impacted with the wall and shattered into
pieces.

Willow stood there wryly admiring her handwork. There was glass all
over the floor but the picture was untouched. `Not bad for someone
who supposedly never gets angry, right?' she said to herself. She
walked over the glass shards and retrieved the photo from the damaged
frame. It was a picture of her, Xander, and Buffy taken the day they
graduated before the Mayor's ill-fated Ascension ceremony. Oz had
taken it that afternoon when they tried on their gowns, as a reminder
of what it was like to be normal teenagers, he'd said. Given that
they were probably about to die in an extremely bizarre way, they'd
welcomed the chance to preserve the moment. She was so wrapped up in
the memory of a happier time (which would probably be a pathetic
thought in itself, if she actually stopped to think about it) that
she payed no attention to the opening of the door when Tara came to
check on her.

Tara had heard the crash from down the hall and was worried about
her. The entire gang was staying at Buffy's house now, to keep an
eye on Dawn and, Tara suspected, to try and hold on to a piece of
Buffy as long as they could. Giles was Dawn's legal guardian now,
thanks to clauses in both Joyce's and then Buffy's wills. Tara
thought it was especially sad that a woman as young and vibrant as
Buffy was would have had to write a will. `No one should have to
write a will at 20 years old,' Tara sighed to herself. `No one as
young as Buffy should have to die either.' Tara had genuinely liked
Buffy, even if she had found her intimidating. But how could she not
like one of Willow's friends? She loved everything about Willow and
that included her friends, besides, they had accepted her (somewhat)
and forgiven her (again somewhat) for deceiving them when she thought
she was going to turn into a demon. Tara walked closer to Willow and
put her hand on her shoulder to get her attention. She didn't miss
the flinch that rippled through Willow's muscles at the contact. It
tore at Tara's soul to see Willow in such pain.

"Are you all right, Willow?" she asked softly, knowing it was a
stupid question but feeling the need to say something and not knowing
what. Willow turned around to face her and Tara winced at the look
in the other girls' eyes. Willow's eyes had always been bright and
full of life. Now those same green spheres were dull and lifeless,
showing no sign of the intelligence or spark that used to reside
there. And it was steadily growing worse as the days passed. The
dark circles under Willow's eyes only served to enhance the haunted
and dead look her entire being was beginning to project. Tara knew
Willow hadn't had a good nights sleep since Buffy's death but there
was precious little anyone could seem to do about it. Tara had even
gone so far as to (with Giles' agreement) try and cast a spell on
Willow to get her to sleep, for a few hours at least, without the
nightmares that were plaguing the girl. But Willow had felt what she
was trying to do and countered the spell with one of her own. She'd
also given Tara and Giles a very good and thorough verbal spanking.
Tara had never seen Willow so angry before, or look so betrayed.

"I'm fine," Willow said with artificial sweetness. "How the Hell do
you think I am?" she barked sarcastically before stalking out of the
room. Tara watched her go for a moment, sighing at the walls Willow
was putting up between herself and everyone who cared about her.
This had to stop, Tara knew. And there was only one way to get
Willow to face her pain. Because if Willow didn't start dealing with
it soon, Tara had no doubt they'd be burying another member of the
Scooby Gang before another month passed.

"Willow, Willow wait up. I want.I want to talk to you," Deciding
that she couldn't afford to be timid like she usually was, Tara
braced herself and stepped into the hallway behind Willow. Willow
stopped but didn't turn around.

"What if I don't want to talk to you?" she asked, knowing that she
was hurting Tara's feelings but not really caring.

"Tough.tough because I'm putting my foot down and telling you
th...that this has got to stop, Willow." Now Willow turned around
and fixed Tara with a look that Tara swore would dust a vampire just
from sheer force.

"That's a laugh, Tara. Go ahead, `put your foot down', it's not
going to do either of us any good." Willow laughed bitterly. The
sound was harsh and ground on Tara's nerves.

"Willow stop it, it's just your hurt talking."

"No, it isn't. And stop what? What is it that I'm doing that needs
to be stopped?"

"Stop swallowing your pain and pushing everyone away. Talk to me,
Willow, let me help you." Tara pleaded. A cruel smile twisted
Willow's normally sweet features and Tara found herself a little
afraid of this new Willow. She wasn't the sweet and loving person
Tara had fallen in love with. `She still is, she's just hidden
underneath all the pain', Tara reassured herself. `Deep underneath'.

"You can't make this better, Tara. Stop thinking that you can.
There is no spell, no magic wand or word that is EVER going to make
this better again." Willow hissed in a voice low and heavy with
pain.

"I know, Willow. I know. But you can't go on living this way."

"What, without Buffy? I all ready figured that out, Tara." Willow
interrupted. Tara again winced, this time from the pain and anger
that was radiating from Willow. `This is it,' Tara told
herself, `after this, there's no going back. It has to be done but
she's going to hate me for saying it.'

"She's dead, Willow. You're not." The second the words left her
mouth, Tara would have given anything to take them back after she saw
the look on Willow's face. Grief, hurt, pain, and fear replaced the
anger and cruelty that had been there a moment before. Tears brimmed
in Willow's eyes but stubbornly refused to fall. It broke Tara's
heart.

"You. Have. No. Idea." Each word was ground out through teeth
clenched together so tightly that Tara wouldn't have been surprised
if they shattered. Willow's entire body was shaking but Tara
couldn't tell if it was from grief or rage.

"You loved her, Willow. I understand that."

"Love her and no, no you don't." Willow's voice was but a whisper of
what it was moments earlier causing Tara to have to strain to hear
her. Tara took a step closer and was relieved when Willow didn't
step away.

"Yes I do, Willow," she said calmly, taking another step closer. "I
didn't mean you loved her as your best friend, although I'm sure you
did. I meant that you loved her like no other. It was Buffy you
loved all this time, not me." The words nearly killed her to say but
Tara knew Willow needed to hear the truth. Willow lifted her head to
look Tara in the eyes.

"Love, not loved. Stop using the past tense, because I STILL love
her. Just because she's d.dead doesn't mean I stopped." Willow said
as her voice choked on the stuttered word. Tara nodded.

"I'm sorry, Willow. I know you love Buffy, are in love with Buffy.
I have known, on some level I guess for a while now. And I know that
the reason this is so hard for you is because you never had the
chance to tell her. I'm sorry it happened that way, Willow, I really
am. But Buffy would personally kick your butt from one end of the
world to the other if she saw what you were doing to yourself. She
loved you Willow and she'd want you to live your life. If you can't
do it for yourself, then do it for her. She loved you," Tara
repeated, never doubting the words. The tears in Willow's eyes
finally splashed down her cheeks and mirrored the ones on Tara's face.

"But not the way I love her," the whisper carried over to Tara's
ears. Willow's voice was so tiny it was almost lost. Tara raised an
eyebrow and gave Willow a small smile, her love for the girl in front
of her giving her the strength to point out what had been painfully
obvious.

"Did you ever ask her?" Willow's eyes grew wide at the question.

"What?" she squeaked out.

"Did you ever ask her how she felt about you? If the love was deeper
than `friend-love'?" Willow shook her head. "Then how do you know?"

"Because Buffy was straight," Willow said simply. This time Tara
smiled widely.

"So were you, once." She wasn't trying to be mean she was just trying
to open Willow's eyes a little, although it was too late now.
Inside, Tara prayed for the soul of Willow's lost love. Willow just
looked at her a minute before the tears started again and she leaned
into Tara's arms.

"Goddess, Tara, it hurts so much!" she sobbed into Tara's shoulder.
Tara hugged her tightly and tried to soothe her.

"I know, baby, I know." Tara whispered back. Willow heard the soft
words and realized that their relationship had just been blown out of
the water with her admission of love for Buffy. She pulled out of
Tara's arms and looked into the other girl's face.

"Oh, Tara, I'm so sorry that I've hurt you! I didn't mean to. You
shouldn't have found out this way. I should have told you sooner
and." Tara put her hand over Willow's mouth to stop the onset of
babble mode and smiled.

"It's OK, Willow. Honest. I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt but I
think I've known for a while that your heart belonged to someone
else. To Buffy. I was just happy to find a place in it, even for a
little while."

"I understand if you don't want to be friends with me anymore, Tara.
I'll miss you though." Tara's eyes shot wide in shock.

"I still want to be friends, Willow! Don't ever doubt that I'm your
friend. You mean so much to me that I'd never be able to just walk
away forever and never speak to you again. I'll still be your
friend, if you want me." Willow nodded.

"Yes, please. I've lost enough friends to last me a lifetime."
Willow told her.

"You'll never lose me, Willow. Even if we're separated by miles or
time or, Goddess forbid, death I will always be your friend."

"Thank you," Willow said around the large yawn that enveloped her.
Tara chuckled at the display.

"Come on, Willow, let's put you to bed. You need to sleep." Willow
looked at her with a panicked look on her face.

"The nightmares, Tara, I can't." she pleaded, in tears again.

"It's OK, Willow. I can chase the nightmares away. Will you please
let me cast a spell to help you sleep? You're going to get sick if
you don't get some sleep soon." Reluctantly Willow nodded.

"I just want.I just want to rest," Willow explained breathlessly.
She looked so defeated and suddenly weak that Tara thought she was
going to collapse right there in the hallway. She managed to get
Willow into her bed, Buffy's bed, which Willow sometimes shared with
Dawn when the younger girl need to, before Willow gave up the fight
to stay vertical. Tara tucked the tired and grieving redhead in and
quietly cast a spell to give Willow at least eight-hours of
uninterrupted sleep. After one last look at the peaceful look on
Willow's sleeping face, Tara headed to her own room for a much-needed
cry. She knew that letting go of Willow was what was best for both
of them, but it still hurt nonetheless.



Downstairs Giles and Dawn were in the midst of a quiet conversation,
or at least Giles was. Dawn hadn't been much for talking. She'd
been trying very hard to stay strong for everyone else and not
showing any real outward signs of grief. But everyone knew that she
was grieving, she had just chosen to do so openly with Willow only.
Dawn had become almost alarmingly attached to Willow since Buffy
died, wanting to know where Willow was at all times and sometimes
crawling into bed with Willow just for comfort. And Willow allowed
her to, needing the comfort just as much as Dawn did. They were
undoubtedly the two people closest to Buffy and the two taking her
death the hardest. While Willow withdrew from everyone and
everything around her, Dawn switched between acting like nothing
happened or slipping into a barely functional fugue state when the
only person she'd listen to was Willow.

Giles was somewhat lost as to what to do for them and for himself.
Buffy was like a daughter to him and he cared very deeply for her.
He was proud, humbled and honored that both Joyce and Buffy had given
him guardianship of Dawn in the event of their deaths. It showed the
former Watcher exactly how Buffy felt towards him since the girl
usually fell short when it came to verbally expressing emotions. And
for Joyce to have done the same thing filled Giles with a sort of
pride he'd never experienced. `She trusted me with the safety of her
daughters. I failed one,' he lamented with overwhelming regret, `but
I will not fail Dawn. No matter what the cost I will keep her safe.'
The vow he made in memory of Buffy and Joyce was silent but strong.
Now that Glory was gone it seemed that Dawn would be safe. But they
lived on a former HellMouth and anything was possible here.

"I miss her Giles, you know?" Dawn quietly asked while sitting curled
up in a ball on the end of the couch. Giles looked at her in
sympathy. She looked so much like Buffy when she sat like that it
was disconcerting to him. She also looked lost and frightened, which
Giles knew she was. He nodded and took a sip of his tea.

"I understand, Dawn. And I won't patronize you by saying that it
gets any easier with time because I have no guarantee that it will."
He spoke gently, honestly from his heart hoping to lessen some of the
pain she was feeling. He was heartened, however, that she seemed
willing to talk to him about it. He had been starting to become
extremely concerned for her mental state. "I can only say that all of
us are grieving as well. Please remember, Dawn, that you are not
alone and that we are all here for you." Dawn shrugged and sighed.

"I know. It's just, God I don't know, and they're both gone, Giles.
Mom and Buffy and it's not fair!" Dawn's voice rose as she finished
the sentence, anger finally starting to break through the fugue state
she'd been in. Giles moved to get closer to her when she shot up off
the couch and headed upstairs. Giles sighed.

"I checked on her earlier. I believe she's sleeping, Dawn, finally.
Please be careful not to wake her." Giles told the young girl. He
knew she was heading to Willow's room. It worried him that she was
becoming so attached to the grief stricken Wicca. Should, God
forbid, anything happen to Willow, Giles had no doubt that they would
lose Dawn as well. Everything was falling apart around them with
Buffy's death. Giles wasn't sure if Buffy had ever had a chance to
realize and understand the integral part that she had played in
everyone's lives. The best friend, the daughter, the sister, the
savior and the innocent all rolled into one extraordinary package.
He hoped whereever she was now, Buffy knew.

"Thanks, Giles. I'll be quiet." Dawn said softly as she went
upstairs. After she left Giles put his head in his hands and did
something he wasn't prone to doing: he wept. He wept for all of
them; Buffy, Joyce, Dawn, Willow, Xander, Anya, Angel; the list was
too long to mention everyone who was effected by Buffy's death. And
he wept for himself. But most of all he wept for the world because
he felt that it had lost the purest and most remarkable soul whom had
ever walked the Earth.

Dawn opened the door to Buffy's old room slowly, hoping not to wake
Willow. She knew that Willow needed to rest. Willow was the only
other person having as bad a time sleeping as Dawn was. Like Willow,
all Dawn saw when she closed her eyes was Buffy. She saw her at that
last moment, when she said that she loved Dawn and then leapt into
the portal. Buffy sacrificed herself to spare her and now Dawn had
no idea what to do with herself. `How do you live up to something
like that?' She knew it was unreasonable to expect herself to live
up to the standards Buffy had set but she still felt obligated to
fill the spot vacated by her sister. She also knew no one else
expected that of her but it didn't change the fact that she did.

She watched Willow sleep for a little while; aware that Willow's
slumber was magically induced. Part of her was angry with Tara for
casting the spell but she supposed it was for the best. She felt the
overwhelming pull of sleep and after deciding that she herself
wouldn't be able to sleep otherwise, Dawn crawled into the bed next
to Willow and curled up. She knew that everyone was worried about
her attachment to Willow. It just didn't seem strange to her and it
wasn't a gay thing either. Willow was like a sister to her, the
closest thing Dawn felt she really had to any remaining family. Sure
she felt close to Giles but he was so much older, a father figure
really while Willow was Buffy's age, not much older than Dawn herself
and therefore easier to relate to. So, since she felt that Willow
was the only thing she had left, Dawn was determined to hold on to
the older girl with everything she had and she didn't care what the
others thought. This wasn't about them anyway, it was about her.

And Willow never seemed to mind. If anything it seemed to Dawn that
the only time Willow let herself feel anything anymore was when she
was with Dawn. The walls came down and Willow was Willow again, in
all her pain and hurt. Plus Dawn figured Buffy would want her to
keep a close eye on Willow now that she was gone. Dawn wasn't so
sure Buffy realized that her feelings for Willow were very obvious to
her little sister. Buffy cared more for Willow than as just a friend
and it was deeply painful to Dawn to know that both the older girls
had lost out on something that clearly would have been amazing. She
didn't care if Buffy was bisexual or gay or whatever just as long as
her sister was happy. That was all that mattered. And now it killed
Dawn to know that Buffy never would be and neither would Willow who's
own feelings for Buffy were just as evident.

Dawn chuckled softly to herself wondering how it was that two people
who knew each other for years and shared a dorm room at college, not
to mention spent nearly every spare moment with each other never
noticed the truth in their eyes. Never saw the boundless love that
shined brightly there. She chuckled and then she sobbed. `Life is
too unfair', she decided. `I wish the monks had never created me if
this is what being human is like. Life sucks and it hurts.' Curling
closer to the still sleeping Willow, Dawn relaxed and tried to fall
asleep, hoping against hope that tonight her slumber would be free
from the horrors that were haunting her waking moments. Or, at
least, that the night would pass quickly and she could try to get
through another day. `Another day without Buffy', she reminded
herself. `I'm not sure I care if I never wake back up. I'm sorry,
Buffy, but this is just too hard. Forgive me,' and with that, Dawn
finally fell asleep.




Willow woke the next morning to find Dawn curled up beside her. She
smiled to herself and lay silently brushing Dawn's hair away from her
face. In slumber, Dawn looked carefree and innocent. Like the
events of the past few weeks had never happened. But Willow knew
differently. Today was another day she was going to have to endure
without Buffy. She didn't know how many more she could take. It was
like she was missing a part of herself. She breathed but the air
didn't reach her; her heart pumped but her blood didn't circulate.
Willow wondered how long she could live like that before she faded
away. She wondered how much longer she'd have to suffer her own
torment before she was freed.

Suicide had entered her mind but it was never a viable option. It
wasn't within her to go through with it and despite her pain she knew
it would dishonor Buffy's memory in such a way that Buffy's spirit
would never forgive her. Although if she stopped to think about it,
what she was doing was sort a long drawn out form of suicide, but she
tried not to think that way. Instead she went through each day
hoping that the next would be better. But it never was. `Or maybe
the days are getting better but I won't let myself feel it', Willow
reasoned with herself. But she couldn't seem to let herself feel
anything because it didn't seem fair. It wasn't fair that she was
here and Buffy wasn't. `Survivor's guilt,' Willow told herself. `And
I've got it in spades'. Dawn rolled onto her back and opened her
eyes. After a minute to remember where she was, she gave Willow a
small smile and yawned.

"Morning," she said. "I hope you don't mind that I crawled in here
with you, it's just, you looked so peaceful and I knew that I wasn't
going to be able to sleep."

"It's OK, Dawn. I don't mind, I've told you that," Willow
interrupted. Honestly she was glad for the comfort it gave her
knowing that Dawn was safe. For however much longer she was alive,
Willow swore that she'd make sure Dawn was safe, no matter what.
Dawn climbed out of the bed and padded to the door.

"Nature calls," she joked. She looked intently at Willow, as if
looking to see something in the older girls' face. Willow just
looked at her blankly. "What's on the agenda for today, Will?" she
asked, hoping to get a somewhat positive response. Instead, Willow
just shrugged.

"I don't know," Willow answered blandly. Dawn cringed at the hollow
tone of Willow's usually expressive voice. Now Willow was starting
to shut Dawn out of her life and it hurt. She was slowly watching
her sister's best friend disappear into herself but knew there was
precious little she could do about it.

"Oh, OK. I think Giles wants to take me shopping for groceries. Do
you wanna come?" Willow shook her head.

"No thanks, I think I'll just stick around here today," Willow told
her. Dawn sighed.

"Look, I know I'm the last one to talk but you can't go on like
this. Neither of us can. Buffy wouldn't want us to live like this."

"Just go, Dawn, please?" Willow begged. "I can't do this, not right
now. Maybe later, OK?" Dawn nodded and left to start her day.
Willow watched her go and then curled back under the covers. `I'm
not ready to face today yet', she decided to herself. `Talk to me
later'.



Meanwhile, Tara had spent the time after her crying jag as well as
most of the night on the phone with every Wicca contact she knew,
calling in any favors she was owed as well as making some promises
herself trying to find a way to make things right. She didn't care
what it took; she had to find a way to help Willow. She couldn't
bear to sit by and idly watch as Willow destroyed herself with
grief. Tara knew that the only way to save Willow was to find a way
to bring Buffy back but she had had no idea how to do that.

In the first few days after Buffy had died, she had caught Willow
going through piles and piles of spell books looking for a spell to
bring Buffy back but the consequences were horrendous. Buffy as a
zombie, Buffy as a mindless husk, nothing that would bring Buffy back
as herself. Willow had eventually given up on the idea, but Tara
continued asking about a way to do it among the Wicca community, just
without Willow knowing. Tara knew that there had to be a way of
returning Buffy and she knew she had to do whatever it took to do it,
even though she knew she'd be losing Willow if she succeeded.

Finally last night, she'd hit pay dirt. A friend back East told her
about a pair of crystals that when used together would summon the
Oracles of Balance, two of the Oracles in charge of the gates to the
afterlife and whose direct bosses were the Powers That Be. Once
summoned, they would listen as someone close to the deceased
presented the case as to why the deceased should be returned to
life. Tara figured that if they could get both crystals, they could
send Willow to speak to the Oracles. She knew if anyone could make a
successful plea for Buffy's life, it was Willow. Now she had to find
both crystals and then tell the gang about it but she wanted to wait
before she mentioned it to Willow because she didn't want to raise
the grieving girls' hopes only to have it turn out to be a false
lead. She entered the kitchen to discuss the situation with Giles
and found him at the table clipping coupons and talking to a pajama
clad Dawn.

"Hurry and get dressed Dawn. Oh, look, a dollar off Colgate
toothpaste." Tara had to stifle a giggle as Dawn stuck her tongue out
at the back of Giles' head from where she sat on the counter.

"I don't use Colgate," Dawn told him haughtily.

"But it's a dollar off, Dawn," Giles continued, unperturbed.

"Doesn't do any good if I don't use I, does it?" Giles sighed.

"I suppose not." He looked up at Tara as she entered the room. "Good
morning, Tara. Sleep well?"

"Not really, I had some stuff on my mind. Could I talk to you for a
minute, Giles?" Dawn hopped down from the counter.

"And that would be my cue to leave. I'll be ready in 15, Giles."
Dawn told them as she left the room. After she left, Tara turned to
Giles.

"She seems better today," Giles nodded.

"Yes, a little. Seems she got a good night's sleep," he said
pointedly. Tara blushed.

"Um.you're not mad, are you?" she asked timidly knowing that
extending the sleep spell she put on Willow to include Dawn should
she crawl into bed with Willow was being presumptuous but she was
only trying to help. Giles shook his head.

"Of course not. I understand your reasoning. I wouldn't make a
habit of it, however or let them know what you did. I doubt either
of them would be very forgiving. Now what was it you wanted to speak
to me about?"

"Have you ever heard of the Crystals of Trebuchet?" Giles thought for
a moment before nodding.

"I believe I may have read something about them in one of the
Watcher's tomes during my studies. Why?"

"What exactly do you know about them?"

"If I remember correctly," he said as he stood up and headed to the
stack of books he had moved to the Summer's living room for quick
reference. She looked at him with her eyebrow raised as she saw the
stack of books. "Yes, well," he cleared his throat, "I figured I
could use this time to catch up on my reading and go over what I
already know," he said as a way of explaining. He didn't want to tell
her that he'd been looking for a way to brig Buffy back.
Unfortunately he'd been unsuccessful. He picked up a particularly
thick one and stared flipping through the pages. "Anyway, the
crystals are needed in order to summon the Oracles of Balance. Here
it is," he said as he found the page he wanted and handed the book to
Tara. It showed an old artist's rendering of two crystals about the
size of Tara's fist placed in two metal receptacles in front of an
altar. She handed the book back to Giles.

"The Oracles of Balance are also known as the Keepers. They guard
the gate to the afterlife from anyone entering or leaving without the
express concent of the Powers That Be. The crystals are needed to
gain an audience with the Keepers. According to the text, once placed
in the holders next to the altar, one must recite an ancient
summoning chant, or demand an audience. Then the petitioner must
plead their case to the Oracles and from there it is decided whether
or not they can have the chance to retrieve whomever is lost to
them." He put down the book and looked at Tara in astonishment.

"What is this about, Tara? It is believed that the crystals were
destroyed centuries ago. Now they are considered to be nothing more
than a myth, a parable. Surely you don't think." Tara wrapped her
arms around herself and started to pace.

"No, Giles, I'm pretty sure about this. Besides, most of the things
we deal with on a regualr basis the rest of the world believes to be
a myth. And I've been looking for a way to bring Buffy back since we
lost her." Giles stared at her in surprise.

"Why? I mean I don't understand. We all want her back but." he
stammered.

"It's simple, Giles. For Willow, for her happiness." It took a
minute but understanding finally flashed across Giles' face.

"Oh, I understand. I think. Tell me what you know then."

"I spoke to my friend who runs a business retrieving lost relics. He
takes an order and then does whatever he can to fill it. I asked him
to keep an eye out for anything that could get Buffy back without
dire consequences. I called him last night and he said that he's got
a lead on one of the crystals. He's going to try and track it down
for me."

"Have you told Willow?" Tara shook her head.

"I wanted to wait until I spoke to you. Do you think you might be
able to find the other one? Mark, my friend, said the one he knows
of is in Ireland in someone's collection. He thinks the other one
might be in England. If it is what I'm looking for, he's going to
trade it for another relic the owner is looking for and then send it
to me."

"At what cost, Tara?" Giles asked, ever practical. He didn't care
about monetary cost; he was concerned about what Tara might have to
do to repay Mark back. Giles knew from experience that people rarely
did things like this without wanting something substantial in
return. Knowing that Tara was a fairly powerful Wicca herself made
Giles nervous about the cost to her. Tara smiled at his concern,
knowing what he was thinking.

"Nothing. No spells, no whammies. Mark owed me a favor and now I'm
collecting. Honest," she somewhat lied. `But what he doesn't know.'
Tara reminded herself. `Besides, it's worth one small whammie.'

"All right. I'll start looking as soon as I return from grocery
shopping with Dawn." He looked hopefully at Tara. "I fear she's
going to turn this into a junk food run and I'll be powerless to stop
her. I don't suppose you'd?" She shook her head.

"I can't. I've got some other things to do and I have to talk to
Mark again. Besides, I want to stay here with Willow in case she
needs anything."

"All right, I understand," Giles conceeded as Dawn came back into the
room.

"You two all done with the super spy stuff cause I'm hungry and there
ain't anything to eat in this house." Giles winced.

"Isn't, Dawn," Giles corrected her as he reached up and removed his
glasses before starting to rub the bridge of his nose. "Please don't
butcher the English language any more than you American's usually do,
please."

"OK, geez, sorry. Let's get this wagon train a movin'," Dawn said
cheekily, more alive than she had been for two weeks. Giles just
sighed and followed her out the door.

"Have fun, Giles!" Tara yelled after them, earning her a glare from
the former librarian. She went back upstairs to check on Willow, who
had fallen asleep again before she herself decided she needed a
nap. `I promise I'll get her back for you, love,' Tara promised her
former girlfriend. `Even if it breaks my heart to do so, I will find
a way to bring her back to you'.





"I have good news, Tara," Giles told her two days later. "I
contacted a former colleague of mine in England and he believes that
he may be able to locate the other crystal." Tara's eyes light up in
surprise and happiness. Her friend Mark had finished his deal with
the Irishman who had been reluctant to part with the crystal but more
than happy with the resulting trade. He had mailed it express to
Tara and she was expecting it any day. The idea that they might have
found the other crystal and were that much closer to getting Buffy
back made Tara both elated and sorrowful. Elated that Willow's pain
might be ended soon (and she would still be alive) but sorrowful
because she was that much closer to really losing her.

"Really? How long until we know?" They had told everyone else about
the crystals except Willow and Dawn. She and Giles wanted to have
the crystals in hand before telling them, just incase something went
wrong.

"A day or two, no longer."

"Tara!" Dawn yelled from the doorway. "A package's arrived for you!
Do you want me to sign for it?" Tara jumped up from her seat and
joined Dawn at the door.

"Thanks, Dawn, I got it." She signed for the package and then went
back to Giles with Dawn hot on her heels.

"What is it? Is it some sort of wicked cool Wicca stuff?" she asked,
full of her former exhuberance. While she didn't smile or laugh
much, she was slowly coming back to herself. Tara shot a look at
Giles that plainly asked what she should do now. Giles shrugged.

"Might as well tell her now," he offered reluctantly. Dawn frowned.

"Tell me what?" Dawn asked, starting to get nervous. The last time
Giles looked like the way he did now it was over the whole `Dawn is
the key' thing and she knew she wasn't ready for another shock like
that right now. Instead, she sat quietly as Tara and Giles told her
everything about the Crystals of Trebuchet and how they were hoping
to use them to get Buffy back. Finally she was able to think through
the swirling thoughts in her head.

"We might get her back?" she asked quietly. She didn't dare
hope. "Why didn't you tell me?" her voice started to rise in anger.

"We may be able to get her back Dawn, but we didn't want to get your
hopes up only to them have them dashed." Giles told her gently.

"Have you told Willow?" her voice took on a snide tone, like she used
when she felt she was the last to know something.

"No, we haven't," Tara told her. "For the same reason." Dawn nodded
her understanding.

"She's not going to be very happy that you're keeping things from
her," Dawn pointed out.

"No, I'm not," Willow's voice came from the stairway where no one had
noticed her come down. She was standing there looking very upset,
her hands on her hips and Tara could have sworn there was a glow
behind her normally calm green eyes. "I'm not happy at all," she
said coldly before letting out a long sigh. "But I understand."

"Willow, we had to be sure," Giles started as way of explaining their
actions. He knew that Willow was in a somewhat fragile condition and
he was afraid that almost anything was going to push her over the
edge sometime soon. She waved him off impatiently.

"I said I understood. I don't like being lied to or kept out of the
loop, but let's just drop it OK?" Tara and Giles nodded, not wanting
to anger her further.

"What do you think, Willow?" Dan asked, breaking the tense silence.
Willow sighed and sat down in a nearby chair.

"I don't know. I don't really think I have the strength to do this.
I can't hope and then lose everything again." Dawn wrapped her arm
around Willow's shoulder in sympathy.

"I know, Will. But we can't turn away from this if it might work,"
Dawn told her calmly. Willow nodded.

"All right, I'll help if you need me to. You know I'd do anything
for Buffy, all you had to do was ask." Tara took the crystal out of
the box and turned it around in her hand. It was a little bigger
than her fist and oval shaped. When the light hit it it lit up in a
myriad of colors sending streams across their faces. Giles sucked in
an awestruck breath at its simple beauty. Tara silently handed the
crystal over to Willow who studied it intently.

"When will we hear about the other one?" she asked, her voice
hushed. She was almost unwilling to hope that this would work
because she knew that if it failed, she wouldn't be coming back, one
way or the other.

"As I told Tara, no more than a day or two. If the lead turns out to
be genuine, and I believe that it is, then we should have it in our
custody before the end of the week," Giles rose from where was seated
and walked over to Willow and placed his hand on her shoulder in
support. "I don't wish to get your hopes up, Willow, that is why I
put off telling you. But I have the distinct feeling that this is
all going to work out."



If Willow had known two days ago when Giles had told her it was `all
going to work out' that she'd be standing where she was at the
moment, she would have beat the poor man with the living room lamp.
She was cold, she was dirty, but most of all she was angry. Angry
beyond all reason. The lead had turned out to be genuine and Giles'
friend Tomas had sent the crystal overseas as soon as he was able.
Unfortunately, word travels fast on the HellMouth and it somehow got
out that they were trying to retrieve the Slayer. Needless to say,
several `people' were emphatically against that. All ready, Willow
and the gang had `strongly discouraged' Harmony and a few others from
getting in the way when they'd popped up at the post office the night
the crystal arrived. Unfortunately not all opponents were so easily
discouraged.

"Look, give me the crystal and maybe I won't stake you, OK?" Willow
tried to bargin. She was getting tired of brushing vampire dust off
of herself and this guy was clearly not the sharpest stake in the
kit. He was taunting the seriously pissed off Wicca with the crystal
his buddy had gotten just before being staked. The stakee had
dropped the crystal but Willow was unable to beat the second vamp to
it.

"No way, sweettheart," the vamp laughed. He figured he had her right
were he wanted her. She didn't look too tough even if she had staked
his `drinking buddy', so dinner was a given. Plus he was keeping her
from getting what she wanted, the Slayer. And he thought it was
hilarious.

"You heard the lady, mate," a new voice came from behind the gloating
vampire. Willow looked over to see Spike standing there, cigarette
in his mouth, looking just as pissed as she felt. `Can't blame him,'
she thought to herself, `he cares pretty deeply for Buffy too. Even
if that did majorly wig her out.'

"Go away, ya Uncle Tom," the vamp hissed as he turned his back on the
lowly human to face the traitor. Spike tsked the other vamp.

"Should never turn yer back on Red there," he warned indicating
Willow. "She's a wee bit more dangerous than she looks." The vamp
spun around and was met by Willow right up in front of him chanting.
Her eyes glowed as she spoke and the vampire found himself unable to
move. It was then that he realized he was about to join his buddy.

"I asked you once for the crystal," Willow all but growled, her voice
taking on a strange echoing quality. "I don't plan on asking twice.
Plus I asked you nicely but since you didn't listen, now I have to
kill you." Spike averted his eyes as a brilliant flash lit up the
area nearly as bright as day and when he looked back, the vamp was
gone leaving Willow standing there with the crystal in hand. She
sighed.

"Why can't anything ever be easy, Spike?" she asked. Spike shrugged.

"Wouldn't be our lives then, would it, Love? What now?" he asked
even though he knew the answer. He was concerned for Willow. He'd
been watching over her for a while now making sure she was OK. He'd
always felt a connection with the sweet Wicca, maybe because she
never seemed like she hated him. She used to be afraid of him, of
what he night do, but she never seemed to have the same hatred for
him that everyone else did. Even the night he'd tried to kill her in
her dorm room before they'd both found out he'd been chipped, she
never screamed (OK, she screamed, who wouldn't? But it wasn't the
same kind of scream his other victims had had) nor had she sworn at
him. He respected her for her ability to face whatever was tossed
her way with grace. And he hated how she was acting now.

"We head to Angel's. Ready for a road trip?"

"Oh, goody," he said sarcastically. Truthfully, he had no interest
in going to L.A. "You go ahead. Send me a postcard from the City of
Angels, won't you, Red?" Willow shoved the crystal into her knapsack
and sighed again. She was doing a lot of that lately.

"I thought you'd do anything to get Buffy back, Spike. Or at least I
thought you'd want to be there when we do. Why the sudden reluctance
now? I thought you cared for her." Willow's voice was taunting,
almost evil sounding like the recently dusted vamp. Spike shook his
head, snuffed out the butt of the cigarette and then lit another.

"Y'know, Red, I'm not sure I like this new you. Thought I would but
no, I kinda like the old you. I think I liked your sweetness an'
all. You seemed to have killed it, though. Pity. It was kinda
refreshin'." Willow rolled her eyes.

"Whatever. Are you coming with us or not, Spike?"

"Nah, love. I do care `bout her. More than I should I suppose. But
we both know she doesn't care for me. No, there's only room in the
Slayer's `eart fer one an' it ain't me." Willow shrugged.

"Like I said, `whatever'. See you around, Spike." She turned and
started to walk away. Spike smiled at her retreating back and
couldn't resist one last parting shot.

"Good luck, Willow. I hope ya bring `er back. An' I hope ya figure
out what's been bloody obvious to the rest of us fer a while now."
Willow spun around to ask him what he meant but he had already
disappeared, leaving a small trail of cigarette smoke behind him.
Sighing once more, this time in annoyance, Willow headed back to the
Magic Shop and the other crystal. `Soon, Buffy. I'll either get you
back or be joining you very soon.'



They arrived in L.A. the next morning and explained the situation to
Angel and his crew. They were enthusiastic but concerned. There
wasn't much more information about the crystals aside from what they
already knew and they had no copy of the ancient chant. Which meant
that Willow was going to have to make it up as she went along.
Something that didn't make her or Giles very happy.

"Perhaps it would be best if I accompanied her to the summoning
ground," Giles suggested, desperately needing to feel as though he
was doing something. He hated that the whole thing weighed solely on
Willow's already overburdened shoulders. Tara shook her head
slowly. She know how Giles felt because she felt the same way. But
it was important for all of them to believe in Willow.

"You can't, Giles. Only Willow can do this. The only reason that
Angel can go with her to the summoning ground is because of his
connection with the Powers That Be. She has to do this alone, Giles."

"You seem to be awfully sure of that, Tara," Giles pointed out. He
had no idea how someone usually so timid and unsure could suddenly be
so confident about something so uncertain.

"I am. Look, the person closest to the deceased has the best chance
of pleading their case and succeeding. Willow is our best choice,
even you agreed to that."

"I do, it's just so much is riding on this."

"She knows and she'll do the best she can. Giles, only Willow can
pull this off. Yes, everyone else is close to Buffy, except maybe
me, Anya, Gunn and Wesley. But your relationships are different than
the one between Buffy and Willow." She wasn't about to mention to
Giles that it was Willow's love for Buffy that was going to make or
break the effort. She figured Giles had enough on his mind without
adding that. Besides, she'd leave that to Buffy and Willow when the
time was right.

"I suppose," Giles conceeded.

"Dawn wouldn't be a good choice because we're still not sure whether
or not she retained any of the `keys' power now that it's time has
past. That might interfere with things. Despite the fact that she's
Buffy's sister, she was still created by magic, another factor that
might interfere."

"Willow is a powerful Wicca, Tara. How does that not interfere?"

"It's different. Willow made the choice to be a Wicca and to summon
the power that was always within her. Dawn was created by another.
Conscious and unconscious choice, Giles." Giles nodded.

"I see, I think. It's odd, don't you think, that you're telling me
these things when it is usually my role to explain things to others?"
Tara smiled.

"You're too close to what's going on, Giles, it's interfering with
your objectivity. While I like Buffy, I'm still new enough to the
group so that I see things differently. The bond between Willow and
Buffy is special. Has there ever been a truly substantial rift
between the two that I don't know about?" Giles thought a moment.

"Nothing that wasn't solved fairly quickly. They always seemed to
work through the bumps rather well." He had to give them credit for
that. He knew that everyone fought, it was part of being human and
he knew that two individuals as close as Buffy and Willow had to have
had their share of disagreements but they always seemed to emerge
from the friction stronger than they were when they'd encountered it.

"But Buffy has experienced rifts with everyone else, even you, hasn't
she?" Giles thought a moment, remembering the times when he and Buffy
had had their differences, the incident from her eighteenth birthday
being the most obvious.

He had betrayed her trust in the most unspeakably heinous way by
injecting her with the serum that robbed her of her abilities,
however temporarily the condition was. He had chosen the Watcher
Council's wishes and traditions over his relationship with Buffy and
her trust in him had suffered for it. He hadn't been sure he would
ever regain the level of trust they'd had before then but the girl
had surprised him again and gotten past the betrayal. He was never
sure he deserved her continuing faith in him but he had it
nonetheless.

He couldn't recall anything particularly bad between Buffy and Xander
but he had to admit that the relationship between the two girls was
more intricate than most other relationships he'd witnessed in his
entire life. He nodded again.

"That's why you need to let Willow do what she needs to. Trust her
Giles, she won't let us down." Tara told him while laying a hand on
his shoulder in support. Giles was impressed with the way Tara was
handling herself. Another surprise from a place he didn't expect
it. `Perhaps there is more to Tara than any of us save Willow give
her credit for,' he considered. As much as he was worried for her
welfare, he had to agree with Tara that Willow was their best hope.

"I pray you are right, Tara. For all our sakes but especially for
Willow's."



Willow was staring out the window of the car as Angel drove her to
the summoning ground a little before midnight. She hadn't said much
since arriving in L.A., concentrating more on the task at hand and on
how she was going to accomplish it. She still didn't have a clue.
She had to get Buffy back; there was no question in her mind that she
had to succeed. The look on Dawn's face when she'd hugged Willow
good-bye was enough to let Willow know that failure was not really an
option. Hope and trust was displayed openly on Dawn's face when
she'd wished her luck and it turned Willow's insides into knots
thinking about the amount of faith the teen as well as everyone else
had placed in her. The last time someone had put that much faith and
trust in her, she'd let them down. At least that's how she felt.

Angel parked the car and walked around to open the car door for
Willow after she just seemed to stare into space. She got out and
walked around the columns of the building studying it. It was
nothing special, just a small old tabernacle of sorts on the
outskirts of town that had long been abandoned. Willow walked into
the building and after inviting Angel in after her, she started
dusting off the altar and getting ready. After watching her prepare,
Angel finally spoke up.

"Are you ready, Willow?" Angel asked softly. He was worried for
her. Dealing with the Oracles, any Oracles was a trying and draining
thing. While he had no doubt that Willow was up to the challenge, he
was afraid that if she failed, for whatever reason, it would totally
destroy her. She looked at him with determination written clearly in
her eyes and nodded.

"As I'll ever be," she told him, hoping to sound more confident than
she felt.

"Start when you're ready then and good luck," he watched as Willow
picked up the first crystal and walked over to one of the holders
next to the altar.

"Hear me, oh Keepers of the Gate," Willow started her voice shaky and
small. She knew what she wanted to say, she just needed to sound
confident about it. She took a deep breath and tried to put more
strength behind her words and less fear. "Hear me for I call upon
you to fulfill your sacred duty." She placed the first crystal in its
holder and watched it suddenly light up. She walked back over to her
knapsack and picked up the second crystal.

"I call upon you to hear me as I plead the case of one who was
wrongly taken from this world before her time." She set down the
other crystal and stood before the altar. She watched the light from
the second crystal mix with the first and fill the room. "Though her
sacrifice was noble, the world was saved, the price was too high. I
ask you to hear me plead for the life of Elisabeth Summers, the
Slayer who sacrificed herself in place of her sister. Who made such
a sacrifice without hesitation and who made many such sacrifices
while performing her duties as Slayer. It is on this basis, the
basis that she did so much for so many that I ask you, no beg you to
hear me!"

As she spoke, her voice grew louder and Angel watched as the room
filled with the strange colored light from the crystals. It seemed
to bounce around the room and swirl around both occupants. Soon, he
was blinded by it and lost sight of Willow. When the light faded, he
saw that Willow was gone. `Good luck, Willow. I hope you succeed,
as much for yourself as for her'.

Willow watched as a portal appeared before her and seemed to beckon
her forward. She took a deep breath, put on her `Resolve Face' and
stepped through the gateway. She was greeted by blinding whiteness
and two beings she assumed were the Oracles of Balance, one male and
one female.

"Who is it that has called upon us using the Crystals of Trebuchet?"
the male asked indifferently.

"My name is Willow Rosenberg and I come before you to beg for the
soul of my friend, Buffy Summers." Willow said simply with far more
confidence than she felt. The Oracles looked her up and down before
replying. The scrutiney was making her want to squirm but she fought
the uneasiness and forced herself to face the Oracles head on.

"You are a child of magic, are you not?" the female asked. Willow
nodded. "If you possess the amount of powerful magick that we sense
within you why do you seek our help? Surely you could accomplish the
task on your own?" Willow considered the words and truthfully she
had tried to find a way to do it herself but the price was too high.

"I can not for two reasons; first, I may seem powerful, but I do not
have access to the amount of power everyone seems to think I do."
She was starting to get annoyed, actually, by everyone telling her
how powerful she was. While the idea that she was someday going to
be this kick-ass Wicca excited her, she'd gladly give up all the
power in the universe to have one more day with Buffy. One day to
tell her how she felt. She knew this was her only chance to get that
opportunity. The female Oracle shook her head.

"The power is within you, young Wicca. It is you who deny yourself
access to it," the Oracle informed her sounding almost like a
schoolteacher scolding the class clown. It was a voice Willow was
unfamiliar with hearing and she didn't like the implications behind
it. But she pushed those thoughts back and focused on the task at
hand.

"Maybe so but that doesn't matter. I read the spells that I could
have used to bring Buffy back and they all have terrible
consequences, like her being a soulless monster, being evil or a
zombie. The price is too high and I don't want to mess with
something like that. Besides, I wouldn't do that to her just so that
I can have her back. I'm not that selfish. But if I am to have her
back, I want her soul in tact, as she was before she died. Nothing
more, nothing less."

"A wise decision. You have shown wisdom and an understanding of the
greater powers of the universe. But you have not given us sufficient
reason to grant your plea," the male Oracle told her and began to
walk away. Willow ran a few steps after them and tried again.

"What do I have to do? I love her more than anyone, even you can
realize. I can not, will not continue without her if there's a way
to bring her back as she was."

"You love her, you say?" the female turned around to face Willow
again. Realizing she was caught, (because she hadn't meant to say
that to them) Willow started to try and explain her love for Buffy.

"Yes, more than my own life. I don't know how to put into words how
I feel towards Buffy. With her in my life, by my side, all the
horrible things don't seem so bad. And I don't mean because she's
the Slayer. She has this light, this aura about her that just makes
me feel safe, like no matter what she will be there for me. Without
her the light is gone and my life is too dark to face."

"What if she does not return these feelings?" the male asked,
stepping closer. Willow swallowed the hurt that the mere thought
provoked within her and answered honestly.

"That will hurt, but I will get through it. It isn't that I need her
love. I have it, as a best friend at least and that's enough. I
don't need to have her IN love with me. I just need her WITH me.
You know I can't lie to you here so this is the truth. I love her
and if she doesn't love me I will feel pain but she will be alive.
And that alone will be enough to conquer even the most torturous a
heartache." The Oracles seemed to consider her words before speaking
again.

"And what would you do to get what you wished?"

"Anything. Well, except kill someone. She wouldn't want that."
Willow offered honestly.

"Would you give your life for hers?" the male asked.

"YES!" Willow shouted back without hesitation. "A thousand, a
million times over if that's what it took. Anything. You want my
soul to replace hers in, well, whereever she is, fine then. Do it,
take it, whatever you want. Just return Buffy to her friends and
family." The female shook her head and sighed.

"Do not be so quick to agree, young one. There is more involved in
these things. A balance must be kept. If you remove Elisabeth's soul
then there will be a void. That is not acceptable. You will have to
replace her soul's place with another." It was Willow's turn to shake
her head.

"You don't understand. I don't care what it takes. I know that
there has to be a balance, that you can't just release Buffy's soul
without putting another in its place. That's all swell and
everything, I mean, if you didn't do things that way, why would
anyone stay dead?" the Oracle was silent, letting the young human say
what she needed to. "But I don't think you understand what Buffy
means. Not just to me, but to everyone. Her friends, her family,
the Earth are all at a loss without the light she brought into our
world."

"And what of your love for her? Perhaps it is coloring your
judgement and making Elisabeth out to be more than she is." The male
Oracle suggested. Cold fury flashed through Willow's body.

"How DARE you? I don't care if you are some sort of higher power
know-it-all! You don't know Buffy! You don't know how important she
is!"

"She was the Slayer. Now she is dead and another will be called.
That is the way of things, young Wicca." He told her patiently.
Willow ground her teeth together to keep from saying nasty things
that would probably get her sent straight to Hell: do not pass `Go',
do not collect $200 sort of sent. Besides, she kind of wondered
where she learned such language. `Buffy', she thought to herself
with a smile. `Probably learned it from her.'

"Did you hear that no new Slayer was called to replace her? Or did
you miss that Inter-Oracle-Office memo?" `Oh, good, now I'm
channeling Buffy too.'

"There is all ready a Slayer. Perhaps the Powers That Be decided not
to call another." He said as a way of explaination. Willow allowed
herself a wry smile at the thought that the PTB would think Faith was
their best candidate.

"I hope you're aware that Faith is currently `indisposed', as in
incarcerated. Kind of puts a crimp in her Slayer activites when
she's stuck behind bars." `Bitter, yes I can do bitter very
well'. "Look," Willow started a little calmer, "you asked me if I
would give my life for hers and I said `yes'. It isn't just because
I love her, although I admit that has a very big part in my
decision. But more than that it's because she's needed more than I
am. Not only does the world need the best Slayer history has ever
known, but also her friends need her. Her sister needs her back.
Poor Dawn has no one now, besides us. She needs her sister."

"Dawn is not truly Elisabeth's sister. `Dawn' is a human construct
created to mask the keys' true form. She has no need of
her `sister'."

"Not true," Willow countered. "The monks created Dawn from Buffy's
own blood, her lifeforce. And when they did that, Dawn became real
and so did the memories and the emotions. Dawn is Buffy's sister in
every way that truly matters. In their hearts, minds, and souls,
those two are sisters and whether or not Dawn is a human or a key
doesn't matter. The feelings are what matters. Dawn already lost
her mother, why does she have to lose her sister as well?"

"You speak well, Willow Rosenberg, but you still do not grasp the
full meaning of your request." The male Oracle pointed out. Willow
threw her hands up in the air in frustration.

"Then TELL me," Willow demanded impatiently. "You're so worried
about balance and whether or not I'm making this decision based
solely on my own emotions. So tell me what it would take to get
Buffy back and then I can make and informed decision." `Although,
I'll still do whatever it takes'.

"Very well, but remember that if you do decide to follow through with
your journey, there is no return for her should it not work out." The
female Oracle told her in warning. Willow nodded. "Very well. You
must first find the soul of Elisabeth, whereever she has taken
herself."

"What do you mean `whereever she has taken herself'? If she died,
didn't she go to the afterlife? Like Heaven, because I know Buffy
didn't go to Hell. She's pretty much all ready been there." Both
Oracles shook their heads.

"Humans do not have a full grasp on what the afterlife truly is. It
is different for each person. It is what you make it out to be; it
is your choice. Every being gets the afterlife that they feel they
deserve. Whereever Elisabeth chose to go she has gone. And that
could be anywhere, or anytime."

"You mean you don't know where she is?" Willow asked, agast. `So
much for the `All-knowing' part of their resume'.'

"We are but Oracles, young one, we can guide but we can't accomplish
your task for you." Willow nodded in understanding. "Only the
Powers That Be know where Elisabeth has sent herself. And even they
only begrudgingly agree to your request because of the strength of
your plea. Neither of us will assist you other than to give you some
parting advice."

"OK, what so I have to do?"

"We see that you are ready for whatever lay ahead of you. If this is
true, first you must find her."

"How do I do that?" the Oracles smiled.

"If your love for Elisabeth is as strong as you present it to be,
then you will simply know. After you find her, you must release her
from the hold her `afterlife' will have one her. She may be
perfectly content to stay and if that is so then you will have
failed."

"What if I fail?" Willow asked, not afraid that she'd have to
forfeit her own life but afraid that failure may be a possibility.
If Buffy had created an ideal afterlife, then how could she get the
girl to return to the Hell that was their true lives?

"Then you will be returned to your plane of existance with the
knowledge that you failed. And you will lose any further chance to
retrieve Elisabeth. She will remain in her `afterlife' for all
eternity."

"I understand. But what if she agrees to leave? What then?"

"If you have proven to Elisabeth that what you have to offer her in
the real world is better than her afterlife, then Elisabeth will be
returned to that life. The world's memory of her death will be
stricken and only those closest to her will retain the memory."

"And what of the balance. Will my soul remain in the afterlife?" The
Oracles nodded sadly.

"Yes, sweet Willow. However, it will not be the afterlife of your
choosing. You will remain in the afterlife that Elisabeth has
created, good or bad. It is where you will remain throughout
eternity."

"I can deal with that. If it gets Buffy back, then I don't care what
it costs me." Willow told them confidently.

"Do not be so quick to dismiss the price for what you've asked. It
may not be what you expect." And with that, Willow found herself
surrounded a blinding white light. She knew she was being sent on
her journey so she concentrated on Buffy. Her smile, her laugh, the
way just being around her made Willow feel. She grabbed on to that
feeling, her love for Buffy and let it guide her where she needed to
go. When the light faded, Willow discovered that she was in a
familiar place, Sunnydale, and it was dark outside. `Oh, I don't
like this. Buffy sent herself home and I don't think in a good
way'. Willow looked around and saw the entrance to the North
Cemetary. Dread started to swirl in the pit of Willow's
stomach. `Why would Buffy send herself here?' As she futher
contemplated what Buffy must think of herself to believe she deserves
to be stuck in Sunnydale for the rest of eternity, an ear splitting,
and soul-shattering scream pierced the still night air.

"NO! WILLOW!" Willow took off running towards the direction of the
voice, unsure of what scared her more: the fact that it was her name
that was shouted in such a matter or the fact that she recognized the
voice. `Buffy! Oh Goddess that scream came from Buffy!'

As she entered the cemetary she ran towards the sound of a fight. As
she approached the clearing she promptly tripped over something soft
in her way and fell to the ground in front of her. Willow spun
around to see what had tripped her and nearly added her own scream to
Buffy's earlier one. There on the ground behind her, staring at her
with dead sightless eyes was herself with her throat torn out. She
swallowed the bile that rose up and threatened to make her vomit at
the ghastly scene. She scrambled to her feet, desperate to get away
from her mirror image and find Buffy.

She found Buffy in the midst of a fierce battle with several
vampires. Littering the ground around the area were the bodies of
all their friends. Giles lay on his back a few feet away, an axe
protruding from his chest; Xander was draped over Anya, apparently
killed while trying to protect his girlfriend who was equally dead;
Tara was dead as well and Dawn, Willow couldn't bear to look at what
ws left of Dawn. She was sure, even knowing that this was only an
illusion, that she would have nghtmares about the things she
witnessed here for a long time. She watched as Buffy staked the last
of the vamps and took in the devastation around her.

"Oh, God," Buffy wailed. "They're dead. All dead. I failed them
all again!" Willow had never heard such a tormented and guilty tone
come from Buffy before and she hoped never to hear it again. Buffy
stalked around her friends' bodies while Willow stood in the bushes
nearby. She saw as Buffy paused at her sister's body for a few
minutes, apologizing and promising to do better next time. Buffy
then reached the other Willow's limp body and cradled it in her arms,
speaking softly and begging for forgiveness from it. Unable to watch
Buffy torture herself anymore, Willow stepped out from the bushes and
spoke gently to the disraught Slayer.

"It's not your fault, Buffy. This isn't real." Buffy's head shot up
so fast Willow was afraid she'd given herself whiplash. Buffy's eyes
widened as she looked at the Willow standing in front of her alive
and well, and then she looked back at the lifeless shell in her
arms. She repeated the action several times while Willow tried to
avert her eyes from looking at her other self again. It was just too
disturbing.

"Wha.?" Buffy finally managed to utter, breaking out of her stupor.
She gently laid the body in her arms to the ground and rose to face
the other one in front of her.

"This isn't real, Buffy. I've come to take you back to the `Real
World', not the MTV show but to your real life. Everyone's waiting
for you." Willow coaxed, hoping to get out of this bizarre reality as
fast as she could. She watched as Buffy contemplated her words,
first looking hopeful and then looking angry.

"Not real, Not Real, NOT REAL!" Buffy's voice rose as she spoke. She
closed her eyes and clamped her hands over her ears as if that would
block out the `ghost' from reaching her. "You're dead, Willow. I saw
you die! Over and over again because I wasn't good enough, strong
enough or powerful enough. I failed you. I failed everyone!" Tears
streamed down her face as she ranted to Willow, who stood there,
shocked. "I wasn't good enough to save you and now I've lost you!"
Buffy turned and started to run away, heading towards her house.
After shaking away the sudden paralysis, Willow took off after her
and stormed through the door. She found Buffy crying uncontrollably
on the floor. She approached the figure cautiously, not wanting to
spook her into running again.

"Buffy? Buffy it's me. The real me. Please look at me," Willow
pleaded, getting on her knees beside her friend. Buffy looked up
through the veil of blonde hair and stared at the apparition next to
her.

"Why should I look at you? Why should I talk to you? You're not
real. Not really here. You're dead, no wait, I'M dead and this is
my own personal Hell. Welcome, `Willow'," she spat the name out
contemptuously, as if it was beneath her to say it. Willow stared
right back, trying to see her friend, the woman she loved somewhere
beneath the layers of pain.

"No Buffy, I AM real and I really am here," she tried to explain.
Buffy suddenly jumped to her feet and laughed. But it wasn't the
warm laugh Willow was familiar with. This one was cold, hollow and
it sent chills up Willow's spine.

"HA! Yeah, right. Why the Hell would Willow, the REAL Willow be
here? This is my Hell, not her's." She started to pace around the
room like a caged animal. "No, you're not real. You're just
another `thing' from this place that looks like her. You'll look
like her, act like her, do everything, and say everything MY Will
would do and then I'll think you really are her, and then you'll die
again. And I'll have to watch again. Over and over like bad summer
repeats. It never ends." Willow rose to her feet and stepped into
the distraught Slayer's path.

"Stop Buffy, just stop. How can I make you understand that I'm
real?" Buffy stopped and just glared at Willow, shaking her head.

"You can't because you're not. My Willow is hopefully alive and safe
at home in Sunnydale. Although `safe' and Sunnydale don't exactly go
together, but still she's not dead and stuck here in this torture
with me."

"I am alive but I am here too. I came here to get you and bring you
home," Willow explained calmly, taking another step closer. They
were almost nose to nose. Buffy lowered her head and shook it from
side to side.

"No," she whispered. "You can't be here. Please don't be here," she
begged. At the end of options and not knowing what else to do,
Willow did something Buffy would never expect. Something she knew
the Willow here would never do. It was the only thing she could
think of to distinguish herself as real. She reached up and held
Buffy's face in her hands. After looking into the turbulent deep
grey-blue pools, she leaned forward and lightly brushed her lips
against Buffy's. She heard Buffy gasp at the intimate contact and
then she released Buffy's face. Buffy had a look of both surprise
and wonder.

"Do you believe I'm real now? Has the Willow you've seen here, over
and over again ever done that before?" Willow asked softly. Buffy
shook her head.

"No, but.but my Willow would never do that either. She doesn't feel
that way," she said sadly. `If only you knew', Willow thought to
herself. She then smiled, hearing the echo of an earlier
conversation.

"Did you ever ask her?" Buffy frowned at the question.

"Huh?"

"Did you ever ask her how she felt about you? If the love was deeper
than `friend-love'?" Willow asked, using the same words Tara had
used with her. Buffy shook her head `no'. "Then how do you know?
And how do you know I'm not real now?"

"Because.because." Buffy looked intently into Willow's eyes,
searching for the truth. "Oh, God, Willow, is it really you?"
Willow nodded.

"Yes, Buffy. It's me and I've come to take you home." Buffy all but
collapsed into Willow's awaiting arms in relief. They both stood
there crying and holding one another for several minutes until Buffy
pulled away and wiped her eyes.

"How, Willow? Why?" she questioned. Willow sighed. `Can't tell her
I did it because I'm in love with her, it's not the right time.'

"The `how' is a little confusing. For now let's just say I asked a
favor. As for `why', that's easy. Because you're needed, Buffy, by
all of us who love you. And it wasn't your time." She explained
patiently. She gave Buffy a bright smile and grabbed her
hand. "Ready to go home now? I'm so very happy to see you; you have
absolutely no idea how horrible it's been without you. Everyone's
been missing you a lot. Plus, I don't know about you but I've had
enough of this place and I only just got here. Let's get you home to
everyone." Buffy let out a deep sigh.

"I can't go back, Will. I just can't," Buffy said sadly. Willow
drew away surprised.

"But why?" Willow didn't understand. How could Buffy want to stay in
this Hell, watching her loved ones die repeatedly because she failed
them? `It doesn't make sense'.

"Because Will, because if I go back with you, back to the `Real
World', then all of this," she waved her arms around to indicate the
situation they were in. "All of this could really happen. I could
lose everyone, I could lose you. But it would be for real next
time."

"Buffy, you can't think that way. You don't belong here." Willow put
her hands on Buffy's shoulders but Buffy shrugged her off.

"Yes, I do. I wouldn't be able to handle it if anything happened to
you or Dawn or my friends. Losing my Mom was bad enough. I can't go
through it again. At least here I know on some level that it isn't
real, that I'll wake up tomorrow and have another chance to save
you. I wouldn't have that if it happens for real."

"We all take that risk everyday, Buff. Even if we didn't have the
crazy and unbelievable lives we have, anyone of us could walk out in
front of a bus tomorrow and it would be over. It's something we all
know and live with. If, Goddess forbid, something were to happen,
the others would grieve, but then move on. It's life; it's that
simple." Buffy shook her head.

"Then why are you here? If you're so ready to accept the death of
anyone, Willow, why are you here to rescue me?" Willow turned away
unable to look into the face of the woman she loved for fear that
she'd see the real reason. The love that Willow harbored for her.

"Because this is different, Buffy. What happened to you wasn't
right. You shouldn't have died." Buffy stepped closer.

"But I did die. It eventually happens to everyone so why make an
exception for me? According to you, you're supposed to grieve and
move on. Go ahead, Will, move on. Go home." Willow spun around
wildly and grabbed Buffy.

"No! I will NOT leave you here! Uh-uh not gonna happen." Buffy
shoved her away roughly. She didn't want to hurt her dear friend but
all Buffy could think about was the grief and pain she'd feel if any
of her friends, especially Willow were to really die. She couldn't
go back and face that for real. It would ultimately destroy her.

"Go, Willow! I don't want you here and I won't go back with you. I
won't watch you die for real because I'm not good enough!" Willow
didn't move. Buffy charged at her angrily but Willow didn't
budge. "GO! I don't want to look at you anymore!" she shoved Willow
again, this time sending her sprawling ungracefully onto the couch.
Willow sprang back up and shoved back, anger and hurt fueling the
uncharacteristic behavior.

"Selfish! Selfish little bitch! Do you have ANY idea what I had to
do, what we ALL had to do to get to you? How dare you be so
selfish?" Tears streamed down the faces of both girls.

"I'm being selfish? I'M being selfish? YOU'RE the one who couldn't
deal with me being dead. YOU'RE the one who came here to get me; I
didn't ask you to now did I? Guess what, Willow? You wasted you're
time because I'm not going back with you! I never want to see you
again! You're the reason I'm here! I hate you!" Buffy screamed in
rage. Before she knew what she was doing, Willow's hand shot out and
slapped Buffy across the face, hard. The shocked look on Buffy's
face was enough to make Willow wish she WERE dead.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. But you have no idea what
you're talking about. You have to go back. Everyone needs you, Dawn
needs you." Willow pleaded with the upset Slayer. Buffy's hand was
still covering the cheek that Willow had slapped and she was simply
staring at Willow in shock.

"You.you hit me," Buffy said unbelievably. Willow closed her eyes to
try and block out the look on Buffy's face. Ultimate pain and
ultimate betrayal were splashed across her features like paint on a
canvas and it was killing Willow to know that she put that look there.

"I know and I'm so, so very sorry," Willow cried quietly. "But you
wouldn't listen. I wanted you to know how much we need you alive and
not just as the Slayer but as Buffy but you wouldn't listen. You
went all Slayer-y on me and screamed at me and said hurtful things
when all I wanted was to tell you how much you're loved." Willow
rambled through her tears. She would never hurt Buffy, she'd rather
die first but Buffy's words were so hurtful that something inside her
broke and she couldn't stop herself from lashing out. She just had
to make Buffy's hurtful words stop before they destroyed her.

"I hurt you, didn't I?" Buffy finally said, her voice much softer
now. She looked at Willow and realized without really knowing how
much Willow must have suffered and sacrificed to reach her. After
all, she was dead, Willow wasn't. She realized that she couldn't
stay here in her Hell when people like Willow were suffering and
willing to sacrifice anything to get her back. She couldn't let her
fear of what might happen stop her from taking this second chance. A
second chance when she might finally get the courage to tell Willow
how she really felt. Willow's head bobbed up and down in response to
Buffy's question.

"Yeah," she sniffed, "a little. But I shouldn't have hit you. I'm
so sorry, please don't hate me. I wouldn't be able to bear it."
Willow hung her head down low, unable to meet her friends' eyes.
Buffy encircled the girl in a loving hug.

"I didn't mean it. I could never hate you, Willow. Ever." Willow
looked up at Buffy hoping that she was hearing the truth. She saw
only love and understanding in her familiar and badly missed
eyes. "I'm just scared is all. Scared of what could happen."

"I understand but please, don't let that stop you from going back.
Poor Dawny, Buff. She found out she was `the key', had a homicidal
and psychotic goddess hunting her, lost her mother and then you.
Please go back, at least for her. She's lost without you, all of us
are." Buffy nodded finally and Willow let out the breath that she
wasn't aware she was holding. Buffy slumped against her, suddenly
exhausted.

"Can we go home now?" Buffy asked, her voice small and childlike.
But Willow saw the hope in her friend's eyes. Before she could
respond, Willow was blinded by the now familiar white light and found
herself and Buffy in the Oracle's chamber.

"You have succeeded, magick child. You have done well. Elisabeth's
life is restored and she may now continue her duties as the Slayer."
Said the female Oracle. Willow looked over to Buffy who was now
seated a few feet away half-asleep. Willow looked at the Oracles in
unspoken question. They smiled.

"The trials her soul, as well as your own, have endured were very
arduous. She will recover from her experiences here and with the
beast you knew as Glory. The Powers That Be will grant her her life
but they will not heal her of all her wounds. Elisabeth has much to
learn about herself from this experience. It would serve no purpose
to have her forget her suffering." Willow nodded.

"I understand," she looked back to the Oracles. "I have to say good-
bye now, don't I?" she asked, resigned to her fate.

"Yes, young Wicca. The void must be filled and you offered your soul
in place of hers."

"OK, can I have a minute to say what I need to?"

"Of course," the Oracles moved to the other side of the `room' to
give Willow some privacy. She knew it was really a fruitless gesture
since they were `all-knowing' but it showed that they respected her
nonetheless. She walked over to Buffy and crouched down in front of
her. She reached up and cupped Buffy's left cheek, the one she had
slapped, in her hand.

"Hey you," she prompted gently. Buffy's eyes flickered open and
focused drowsily on Willow's green ones.

"Hey, home now?" she asked weakly. Willow sighed.

"Afraid not, baby," she said not caring that the term of endearment
slipped out. Besides, she figured Buffy was too tired to
notice. "Not yet. But you're going to be there soon, I promise."

"You too?" Tiredness and pain caused Buffy to be reduced to simple
replies. Willow couldn't help the tears that began to stream down
her face as she said her last good-bye to the person she knew to be
her soulmate.

"No, Buffy," she whispered, her voice getting caught on the lump in
her throat. "I have to stay here for a while." Buffy's eyes flew
open at the statement.

"No, Willow," she said with amazing strength. "If I go, you go."

"Oh, Buff, I can't. I have to stay here," she tried to explain.

"Why?" the Slayer whimpered. Willow was barely able to stifle the
sob that threatened to escape her.

"Because I have to, Buffy. Look, it's a long uninteresting story.
Just know that you're going home. Home to Dawn, and Giles and Xander
and Anya. Home to everyone that loves you and needs you. And I will
always be with you, Buffy. Nothing can change that." She leaned in
closer so that their foreheads rested together. "Nothing," she
finished with a breathless whisper.

"But there is no `home' without you," Buffy whispered back, her eyes
closed to try and hold in the tears. Willow's entire being suddenly
lit up from inside at Buffy's words. She wondered exactly what it
was she was giving up. `Could Buffy have feelings for me? No, I'm
just imagining things', Willow told herself. She wouldn't let
herself believe otherwise because if she did, she was walking away
from her true love. And that thought was unbearable.

"You'll never truly know what that means to me, Buffy. I have to go
now but I need you to promise me something." She felt Buffy
nod. "Promise me that you'll live your life to the fullest and never
regret what's happened here. Promise me you'll take care of yourself
and our friends. They need you. Can you do all that for me?" She
felt Buffy nod again even as she watched tears drip off of Buffy's
down turned face to mix with her own fallen tears. After placing a
feather light kiss on Buffy's forehead, Willow reluctantly released
her hold and walked back over to where the Oracles waited.

"Have you said what you needed to?" the female asked.

"Yes. I'm ready." Willow announced. The Oracles nodded.

"Willow Rosenberg, child of the Goddess Diana," they chanted
together. "You have proven youself most worthy of a gift greater
than that which any mortal has ever received. Because of your
efforts, your love for Elisabeth Summers, she has been released from
death and granted another chance." Thunder began to fill the room as
they continued.

"Because you are willing to sacrifice yourself in her place, as she
did for her own sister, we and the Powers That Be grant you this
request. However, a balance must be struck. Another soul must
replace that of Elisabeth Summers." Willow braced herself for what
was coming. She wasn't looking forward to spending eternity in
Buffy's own private version of Hell but knowing that Buffy was all
right would somehow make it tolerable for her.

Looking at Buffy who was sitting barely conscious and weak but alive
a few feet away gave Willow strength as the roaring around her grew.
She thought her ears were going to burst if it didn't stop soon.
Suddenly the sound was broken by a crack and Willow collapsed to her
knees as a white-hot pain flared through her left side. After a few
seconds to regain the breath she'd lost, she pried open her clenched
eyes and looked down to the source of the pain. There was a stain of
blood slowly spreading down the side of her shirt. She gingerly
lifted her shirt and saw a gash that started just below her breast
and ended at her hip. It was roughly 6 inches long and deep but not
fatal. It would definitely leave a scar. She looked back at the
Oracles in shock.

"A reminder, young Rosenberg, of what you were willing to sacrifice."

"Huh?" `Oh, yeah, real articulate Rosenberg. Couldn't you have just
babbled like a normal person? Oh never mind.' The Oracles smiled.

"You were willing to sacrifice everything you are, to a fate you knew
would be most torturous and grueling. All for the love and life of
one person. You did so with all the knowledge of what it entailed
and the knowledge of what you would lose. Elisabeth would not be in
your life but she would be in the lives of the others that hold her
dear and she cares for in return. But you would not be there with
her. You did this without hesitation, without fear or regret. It is
the most sacred and loving a gift any being can bestow upon another.
It is the ultimate sacrifice. In light of this willingness to give
up everything dear to you, the Powers That Be have decided that that
will be enough to balance the scales."

"So I can go home with Buffy?" She was almost afraid to hope.

"Yes. You are hereby granted your life as well as Elisabeth's. The
mark on your side is near your heart, to signify your willingness to
ignore your own heartache and pain to return that which was lost to
others," the female Oracle approached Willow and stood directly in
front of her. Willow found she was not afraid, the opposite
actually. She felt safe and happy knowing everything was going to be
all right.

"True self-sacrifice is a noble and rare thing to find, especially in
a human. And the blood you spilled here is for the pain that is
yours and yours alone. The wound will not kill you but its scar will
serve as a souvenir of your love, sacrifice and determination. It
also stands to remind you that this is your second chance and they
are even rarer to come by than the self-sacrificing nature I
mentioned. Each time you look at it, remember what happened here
today and what Elisabeth truly means to you. You know in your soul
that she is your soulmate. Do not let fear and anxiety rob you of
that connection. If you do then all of your work and your sacrifice
today will be for naught. We do not wish to see that."

"Thank you." The Oracles bowed their head and began to leave.
Willow walked back over to Buffy and hauled the exhausted girl to her
feet, ignoring the searing pain in her side.

"One more thing, daughter of Diana the Goddess," Willow turned to
face the Oracles one last time. "Remember our words here because she
will not. Only you will retain the true memory of all that
transpired this day. Elisabeth will remember it all as if a dream.
You will know that it was not. She will eventually remember her
experience in her self-imposed Hell but not these moments here with
us. She will need you, Wicca, not for your magick but for your love.
See through your fear to the truth and you will both be strengthened
by it."

"Thank you," Willow repeated.

"Do not thank us for what you yourself accomplished. We merely
guided you. There are great things ahead of you in your future,
sweet Willow, but only if you conquer your fear again as you did
today. Do that and your possibilities are as boundless as your love
for Elisabeth." And with that, they disappeared. Deciding she was
too tired to ponder their words too deeply right now, Willow walked
supporting Buffy to the portal where she promptly fell out.

And landed in a pair of strong arms. A warm, but slightly heavy body
landed on top of her making the wound in her side scream in protest.
Willow shifted her body until the pain lessened. She looked up into
two very concerned and very familiar dark eyes.

"Willow?" Angel asked cautiously. She blinked a few times to
reassure herself she was really seeing him and then nodded.

"Hi Angel, can you give me a hand here?" she gestured to Buffy's semi-
conscious form.

"Oh God, Willow, you did it. You really did it!" Angel exclaimed,
coming as close to tears as he ever did. He bent down and gently
lifted Buffy off of Willow and took a good look at the shorter girl
to reassure himself she was really alive. She immediately began to
struggle against Angel, upset at being seperated from Willow. "Is she
all right?" Lying on the ground catching her breath, Willow could
only shrug.

"Yeah, I guess. The Oracles said she's be weak from her experiences
both `there'," she pointed to the portal, "and her fight with Glory.
Some bed rest and heavy duty therapy and I think we'll both be all
right. How long have you been waiting?" Angel frowned as he
continued to struggle with the disturbed Slayer.

"Ah, Willow, you just left a second ago." Willow's eyes grew wide in
shock.

"Really? Felt like days." She pushed herself into a sitting
position and then stood albiet a bit unsteadily. Angel watched this
with concern.

"Time in different in there. Are you all right? Because, and I'm
not trying to be morbid but, I smell blood." Willow waved him off.

"A scratch, Angel. We're both fine." Right about then Buffy's
struggles began to increase.

"Willow," she murmured quietly, "where's my Willow?" She forced her
eyes open and looked around wildly.

"Right here, angel," she looked up at Angel and blushed. "Erm.hehe.
you didn't hear that." Angel shrugged in surprise. He really had
nothing to say. Willow cleared her throat and tried again. "I'm
right here, Buffy." Buffy smiled.

"Home safe?" `Ah, the days of Cave Slayer again' Willow thought to
herself with a smile.

"Yes, Buffy. We're both home safe." Buffy reached out to Willow and
Angel handed her over.

"Can you handle her, Willow?" She was sure that Angel undoubtedly
knew how she felt about Buffy now so she didn't bother to try to hide
it this time and reached out to lovingly stroke Buffy's face. She
was just so happy to see her alive and whole.

"Yeah, hang on a sec." After taking a few moments to calm her
thoughts, Willow chanted a small levitation spell that lifted Buffy
into her arms without putting too much strain on her all ready tired
arms or her wound. "I got her. Can we go back to the hotel now?"
Angel turned around from where he was retrieving the now darkened
crystals. There was no longer any color to them; they were dark and
empty.

"Of course, Willow. I'll get the car." After Angel pulled up,
Willow gently set Buffy down in the backseat but when she went to get
in the front, she found Buffy had a grip on her that only the Slayer
could manage. There was no way Willow was getting free without
ripping her jacket.

"Willow," Buffy mumbled, "don't go. Don't leave me." Willow felt
tears start to threaten again.

"I guess she's not ready to let you go anymore than you were her,"
Angel said softly, hoping to soothe Willow some. He knew how she
felt about Buffy, it was written on her face and had been for some
time.

"Guess not." Willow replied as she climbed into the backseat with
Buffy settling down in her lap. Angel started to drive towards the
hotel as Willow watched Buffy sleep. `I'll never leave you, Buffy.
Even when I die I will never leave you,' she promised the girl in her
arms. She settled back and let the drive lull her into a trancelike
state. Angel gently shook Willow to wake her a little while later.

"We're here," he said simply. "Are you sure you've got her?"

"Yeah, besides, I don't think she's going to let anyone else get too
close to her right now."

"I don't think so either. I'll get the door."

Inside the hotel the entire Scooby gang and the employees of Angel
Investigations were waiting anxiously for any word. Willow and Angel
had only left a little over an hour ago but the wait was unbearable.
No one had anything to say. Even Cordelia and Anya were too nervous
to speak. Dawn sat curled into a tiny ball in an armchair praying to
anyone who'd listen that Willow and Angel would walk through that
door with Buffy, alive and well and ready to yell at her for stealing
her blue sweater. She was so engrossed in her praying that she
jumped when the door finally did open and Angel appeared in it.

Everyone rose to their feet almost as one entity and looked at the
vamire standing in the doorway. No one was able to speak, barely
able to breathe for fear that he and Willow had failed and that Buffy
was gone for good. Finally Giles broke the tension.

"Well?" he asked, his voice catching on the one small word. Angel
looked at him and moved further into the door to reveal a slightly
bedraggled Willow holding an unconscious but precious bundle in her
arms.

"She did it, Giles," Angel finally said. "Willow brought her back."
The room was silent for a few seconds more before it erupted in
cheers, tears and hugs. Dawn headed straight to her sister. Angel
stood in front of her and put his hand on Dawn's shoulder.

"She's a little people-shy right now, Dawn, so be careful. She's
only letting Willow near her." Angel looked over Dawn's head and saw
Giles' raised eyebrow. Angel shrugged in response. Dawn nodded and
stepped closer.

"Is she going to be all right, Willow?"

"Yeah, Dawny. She just needs some rest and she'll be back to her old
self in no time." Willow reassured the young teen. Buffy shifted a
bit in Willow's arms and sleepily opened one eye to look at her
sister.

"Dawn?" Dawn broke out into a huge smile, the first one since Buffy
died and started to cry.

"Yes, Buff?"

"Don't cry, `m back. You OK?" Dawn nodded her head furiously.

"Great, terrific, fantastic now that you're back," she said
earnestly. Buffy smiled.

"Good, sleep now." She told everyone and promptly passed out again.

"Dawn, I need to get her to a bed so she can rest. Can you help me
with her?" Willow asked while trying not to wince as Buffy
accidently brushed the cut on her side.

"Sure!" Dawn responded, more than happy to do anything to help and
very grateful to have her sister back.

"Uhm, Willow," Giles started. Willow sighed.

"In the morning, Giles, please. Buffy's not the only one who needs
to rest. I'll tell you everything in the morning." Giles stuttered
in surprise.

"Yes, well.that's all good and well but I was going to say `Good
job'. And that I'm proud of you. This was undoubtedly very
difficult for you. Explainations can always wait, what's important
is that you and Buffy have returned safely."

"Oh, sorry." Willow yawned. "Excuse me. Thank you Giles that means
a lot. See you all in the morning." The group let her head upstairs
without further interruption with Dawn in tow. After the three girls
disappeared from view, Wesley turned to the assembled group.

"Yes, well, I think this calls for a celebration," he suggested. He
was met with a resounding chorus of `Hell Yeah's' and the group sat
down and relaxed for the first time since Buffy died, secure in the
knowlegde that she was alive and would recover. Life was good again
for the Scooby Gang and all its gathered `cousins'.




Dawn turned down the bed so that Willow could put Buffy down. They
both removed her shoes and socks and then her jacket. Buffy was
obliviously unconscious for this, only coming to enough to grab ahold
of Willow again. Dawn watched as Willow sighed and sank down into
the chair next to the bed, exhausted. Buffy's hand was tightly
wrapped around her own.

"Think she'll sleep through the night?" Dawn asked, needing to talk
to Willow and be reassured that both Willow and Buffy were really
there. Willow nodded and then looked up at the younger girl.

"I hope so. Who knows? Can you do me a favor, Dawn?" Dawn walked
closer and stood next to the bed, idlely brushing some hair out of
Buffy's face. She noticed with no small amount of joy and relief
that Buffy's skin was warm to the touch and she could see her
breathing.

"Anything Willow."

"Could you go downstairs and find some clothes for Buffy to wear
tomorrow? These aren't bad for tonight but I doubt she's going to
want to wear them home. I never thought to pack any of Buffy's
clothes and I foolishly only packed one spare shirt and I can't wear
this shirt home either. Ask Cordy if she has anything but make sure
it isn't too, well Cordy." Dawn smiled.

"Sure thing, Will." She walked to the door but paused in the entry
and looked back. Willow looked at her and waited. She knew Dawn
wanted to say something, she was just unsure on how to. "You'll both
be here when I get back, right?" Willow smiled warmly.

"Yeah, we'll both be right here. I promise." Dawn walked closer
again.

"It's really her, isn't it?"

"Of course. I know my Buffy's and this is definitely ours. Yup, no
doubt about it this is 100%, grade-A Buffy. No artificial flavors or
fillers and oh cripes I'm babbling. I must be tired to babble that
bad." Dawn just smiled.

"It's OK, Willow. Just checking." She walked halfway to the door
again before rushing back to Willow and enveloping her in a fierce
hug. "You have done so much or me tonight. I can never repay you
for this." She hugged tighter, making Willow flinch from the pain in
her side but Dawn didn't notice. "And I know how you feel about her,
Willow. It's OK with me. Just give her a chance to return the
feeling, OK?" Dawn whispered into Willow's ear, startling the tired
Wicca. Dawn pulled away with a huge smile on her face at the fact
that Willow was blushing ten shades of red and then she left the
room. Willow thought about Dawn's words, Spike's cryptic one's the
night before and then she remembered the Oracles' parting
words. `Is `I-Love-Buffy' tattooed on my forehead or something?
Everyone seems to know. Oh, well, I'll deal with it tomorrow'.
After watching Buffy sleep for a few minutes, Willow nodded off.

She was awoken a short time later but Buffy's incoherent mumblings.
Moving out of the chair to sit on the bed, Willow idly noticed that
Dawn had returned with the clothes she'd requested and laid them out
for her. Smiling at the teen's thoughtfulness, Willow reached out
and brushed her hand across Buffy's forehead. Buffy's eyes suddenly
opened, startling the poor Wicca. Turning on the bedside lamp for
light, Willow looked down at her friend.

"Whoa, you scared me. How are you feeling?" she asked tiredly.
Buffy smiled at her. It didn't matter that she was tired and sore
because when Buffy smiled, nothing bothered Willow anymore.

"Alive," Buffy said seriously but there was a twinlke in her
eye. "And coherent, all thanks to you." Willow rolled her eyes.

"I did what you would have done, that's all.I mean, you would have
done it for me right.Well you don't have to.I was just wondering if
you would.but there's no obligation to.plus I'm hopefully not going
to die anytime soon.although you never know and."

"Wow, Willow, disengage babble mode. Of course I'd do the same for
you. Without a second thought." She pushed herself into a sitting
position, ignoring Willow's objection to the movement. "Look, a lot
of what happened there is really fuzzy and I can only recall small
pieces right now but what I do remember is that you were there for me
when I needed you. You brought me back and I owe you for that. I
owe you my life. I'm alive right now because of you, Wills." Willow
blushed furiously at the attention the blonde was giving her. Buffy
sat closer and looked into Willow's eyes, willing her to
understand. "I can never repay you for what you did for me but I
will spend the rest of my life trying."

Buffy wrapped her arms around Willow and hugged her as tight as she
dared. Willow tried not to wince at the pain the gesture caused but
that nasty untreated cut was making its presence known. She had
hoped that Buffy hadn't noticed the wince or the hiss of pain that
leaked out from behind her lips but she had. Without letting go but
loosening her hold a bit, Buffy turned her face so she could look
into Willow's.

"Are you hurt?" Willow shook her head. Buffy watched her for a
second, noting the overly pale complexion and pain lines around her
friends' eyes. She then noticed that her hand had hit something
mildly sticky on Willow's left side, beneath her jacket. Afraid of
what it was, but all ready knowing, she withdrew her hand and stared
in horror at the crimson liquid now staining her fingers.

"Oh, God, Willow," she turned a sickeningly green color, "I think I'm
going to be sick." Willow helped her off the bed and into the
adjacent bathroom. She held Buffy's hair behind her head and rubbed
her back to soothe the retching girl. Finally, after Buffy collapsed
exhausted to the floor, spent, they both leaned against the cool tub.

"Are you OK, Buff?" Buffy raised an eyebrow and opened one eye to
look at the girl beside her. As usual, the Wicca had disreguarded
her own pain and discomfort for that of another. Buffy both loved
her for it and hated her for it. Willow reached up, swallowing
another wave of pain and dampened a washcloth, which she then placed
on Buffy's forehead.

"Sorry, it's just, I saw the blood and then I remembered seeing you
lying there on the ground dead from a vamp attack and, well, ick."
She closed her eye and leaned back again. "How'd you get hurt? And
why didn't you say anything?" She heard Willow sigh.

"It's just a scratch, Buffy. Don't worry about it." Buffy sat up in
frustration.

"Damn it don't give me that crap, Rosenberg! You've been sitting in
that chair since we got back, bleeding. That blood was fresh,
Willow. Don't tell me it's nothing if you're still bleeding." Tears
started to run down Buffy's face knowing that her friend who she
cared so deeply for, nay loved, was sitting there in silent pain.
Willow looked away, ashamed to have angered Buffy. Immediately upon
seeing Willow look away, Buffy's anger faded and she was apologetic.

"Hey, I'm sorry, Wills. I just hate to see you in pain."

"S'okay," Willow said damply through her own tears. Buffy stood up
and rummaged through the cabinet until she found the first aid kit
and then sat back down. Willow watched mutely.

"Take off your jacket and shirt," Buffy ordered. Willow blushed and
blinked at her several times. "I want to look at the wound, Willow,
not paint your portrait. We've changed in front of each other for
years and you've treated plenty of my wounds. After everything
you've ever done for me, please let me do this for you. Let me take
care of you, please." Willow managed to nod and moved to take off
her jacket but the pain that lanced through her side caused her to
stop with a whimper of pain. "Here," Buffy said gently, "let me help
you."

Buffy carefully removed Willow's denim jacket, taking extra care not
to jostle the injured girls' side too much. When that was done, she
moved on to the ruined shirt. After deciding that it was pointless
to try and life it over Willow's head, Buffy took out the scissors
from the first aid kit and carefully cut the shirt away. It came off
easy after that except for where it was stuck to the cut with dried
blood.

"Oh, Willow. This should have gotten stitches." Buffy told her when
she got a real good look at the laceration. Willow shook her head
and ground her teeth together.

"No, it's fine." She hissed through the pain as Buffy tried to clean
it and leaned her head onto Buffy's shoulder to rest. Buffy was
astounded and disturbed by the gash. It was deep and obviously
painful but Willow had said nothing. She didn't understand why. She
also took a good look at the woman she secretly loved (did she really
just think that?) and saw that more than the cut was making her look
sick. There were dark circles under Willow's eyes and she looked
like she'd lost weight, which was distrubing since Willow was thin to
begin with. Buffy's heart went out to Willow and the pain the
redhead must have experienced. Buffy didn't know what she'd do if
she ever lost her rock, her Willow. And for the millionth time in
her life, or more, she wished for the courage to say how she felt to
Willow. But she couldn't get past her fear at this moment so for now
she'd have to settle for just being friends.

"It's going to scar," she pointed out.

"There goes my career modeling bikinis," Willow joked weekly. Buffy
snickered. "Besides, it's supposed to." Buffy frowned in confusion.

"OK, you're going to have to explain that one because I'm not fluent
in `vague' or `cryptic'. I barely speak English."

"It's supposed to scar so that I never forget." Willow explained.

"Forget what?" Willow stared at Buffy for a moment, chosing her
words carefully.

"What I almost lost," she finally said gently. Buffy stared at her
for a moment before understanding crossed her face.

"Me?" Willow nodded in response.

"You. I almost lost you and they wanted me to remember that this is
a second chance." Buffy finished wrapping the cut and simply gazed
at Willow for a minute.

"OK, call me dense or blame it on being the `Slayer formerly known as
dead' but I still don't get it. What exactly did you have to do to
get me back?" she was almost afraid of the answer.

"It's a long story, Buffy." Willow told her, hoping to avoid a long
drawn out explaination. She was just too tired to relive it tonight
and she doubted she'd be ready to do so anytime soon.

"Are we going anywhere?" Buffy asked, getting slightly annoyed. She
wanted to know why Willow was being so evasive and she really wanted
to know how it was that she was sitting there now when she'd been
dead a few hours earlier.

"No," Willow admitted reluctantly. `But one can hope,' she thought
sarcastically.

"Then tell me." Willow sighed. She hated it when Buffy got so
stubbornly persistant but honestly there was nothing she wouldn't
tell Buffy if she came out and asked. Nothing.

"Fine. Long and short of it, I went and spoke to the Oracles. I
pleaded my case as to why it was unfair that you were gone and why
the Powers That Be should let you return. They agreed to let me try
and bring you back so I went, found you and convinced you to return
with me. They gave me this," and she gestured to her hurt side, "as
a way of letting me know that there was a price to pay. It's Ok,
Buffy. It was worth it."

Buffy looked at her for a couple of minutes obviously not convinced
that Willow was telling her everything. Her stomach turned with the
knowledge that Willow had been hurt trying to get her back. `She was
injured because she cares for me,' Buffy thought to herself. `She
suffered because of that and I can't change that,' she silently
fumed, somehow mad at herself for an injury she felt she caused. `I
owe her more than I can ever repay.' She knew Willow was holding
something back but decided to let it go for now.

"Fine, if that's how you want to be right now, OK. But I want a full
and unabridged version of this story in a day of two, understand?"
Willow nodded. Buffy thought about what Willow had said and she knew
that the Powers That Be didn't just return people from the dead out
of the kindness of their hearts but she didn't understand why they'd
hurt Willow for succeeding. `That doesn't sound fair'.

"OK," she agreed. She leaned back against the tub, reveling in the
coolness of it. "I'm glad you're home Buffy," Willow told her
quietly.

"I'm glad to be home, Willow. I have one last question, though," she
heard Willow let out a deep sigh. She knew she was pushing but she
couldn't help it. She needed to know.

"Buffy, I'm tired and you need to rest," she tried to deflect the
coming question. She really was too tired and in too much pain to
deal with `Inquisitive Buffy'.

"Please?" was the simple response. Willow reluctantly conceeded.

"Fine, ask, but I can't promise a coherent answer."

"Willow, why did you let them hurt you?"

"I didn't `let' anyone do anything, Buffy. I told you, this," she
pointed to her newly wrapped side, "was payment. I know you, Buff.
You're blaming yourself, well don't. I would gladly suffer this or
something worse a thousand, no a million times over if it meant
getting you back." `Better stop now before I start babbling and tell
her how I really feel,' Willow thought to herself as she yawned.
Buffy looked like she was about to start crying again.

"Oh, Will." she started before tears stole her voice. Willow hugged
her as tightly as her side would allow and tried to reassure her.

"It's OK, really. Let's just let it go for now and put you back to
bed." Willow got up and walked back out into the room with Buffy and
put the tired Slayer back in bed. Tiredness and her own pains were
being to overcome the newly resurrected Slayer so she relented.
After buttoning up her clean shirt Willow walked towards the door.

"Willow?" Buffy called out hesitantly from the bed. Willow stopped
and turned back to her friend.

"Yeah?"

"Uhm.would you mind.you don't have to but.I don't want to be alone."
the sentence was finished with the barest of breaths. Willow's heart
shattered into a million pieces at the lost quality to Buffy's
voice. She walked back over to the bed and sat in the chair.

"You want me to stay? Sure, glad to." She reached up to turn the
light off but Buffy stopped her.

"You can sleep with me," she blushed a bright shade of red at her
words. "I mean, you don't have to sleep in the uncomfortable chair
when there's plenty of room in the bed with me. Well, not `with' me
but I'm small and you're small and it's a big bed and sleeping is
good but sleeping in that chair is bad for your side and." Willow let
out a small laugh.

"Now who's babbling? Scoot over, Summers. And you'd better not hog
the covers, either." Buffy put on her best `innocent face' but it
only made Willow laugh harder which she instantly regretted when pain
shot through her side. "Oh, laughing bad. No more laughing," she
said, causing Buffy to laugh sympathetically. She had had more than
her share of injuries so she knew exactly how Willow felt. She was
just worried that Will didn't have the same healing abilities that
she did and she'd never forgive herself if the cut got infected and
Willow got sick.

"Tomorrow you let Giles take a look at that cut, OK?" she ordered
through a massive yawn.

"OK," Willow answered sleepily. She reached up and turned off the
light.

"I love you Willow," Buffy admitted a few minutes later, glad that
Willow couldn't see her face in the dark. She heard Willow sigh but
didn't know how to interpret it.

"I love you too, Buffy. Good night."



Buffy awoke the next morning to find Willow gone. After swallowing a
momentary wave of panic, she swung her legs over the side of the bed
and winced at the sudden pain that flared through her body.
Apparently she was going to feel the after effects of her battle with
Glory as well as whatever else happened while she was gone. `But
pain means that I'm alive and today I'm going home. I can never
repay Will for what's she's done. I wouldn't know where to start'.
Muffling a groan of pain, she changed into the clothes layed out for
her (obviously Cordelia's) and shuffled downstairs, grateful that she
didn't take a header down over them. She was greeted by an exuberant
Dawn.

"You're awake! You're awake and you're here and you're alive."

"And I'm hungry. What's to eat, folks?" Buffy asked as Dawn guided
her to a nearby chair. She was surprised at how weak she felt.
Giles greeted her with a huge smile and he looked like he was about
to cry.

"You're feeling better, I trust?" Buffy nodded at him while running
her hand through Dawn's hair as she sat on the floor beside the chair
next to Buffy.

"Tired and sore. Like I just went ten rounds with a psycho god bitch
and lost. Other than that, peachy. Where's Willow?"

"Everyone else went out for breakfast, except for Angel who's
sleeping," Giles answered, obviously ignoring her actual
question. "No one thought you'd be up for breakfast out, so Dawn and
I stayed here with you. I'll just go to the kitchen and get you
something. Dawn, will you stay with her?" Dawn nodded.

"You bet," she told Giles' retreating back. Buffy gave Dawn
the `what did I do' look and shrugged. "He's a little out of sorts,"
Dawn explained. "You'll have to forgive him. He wanted to do more
to help Willow but Tara told him he couldn't." Buffy fixed her with
her patented `Slayer stare'.

"Where's Willow?" she repeated, her voice letting Dawn know that she
expected a straight answer. Dawn sighed. `Gotta love that wonderful
Slayer single-mindedness.'

"Giles looked at that cut on her side. You did a good job of
dressing it last night, I guess. She'll be fine but it'll leave a
wicked scar." Buffy growled in frustration. `Why won't anyone give
me a straight answer?'

"I know that but where did she go? I thought she'd be there when I
woke up." Dawn sighed again. Sometimes she wondered how someone so
powerful could be so clueless.

"She said she had some stuff she had to do before we left for home,
stuff with Tara." Buffy felt a familiar and painful ache fill her
chest at the reminder that Willow loved another. She curled her body
up into the chair as much as her physical pain would allow. Dawn got
up off the floor and sat on the side of the chair so she could face
Buffy.

"With Tara, huh? Is everything OK because I don't remember seeing
much of Tara here last night and I hope she's not mad at Willow for
going after me." Dawn frowned as she watched her sister force down
her feelings for the Wicca that she so obviously loved with all her
heart. `Painfully, completely, utterly, pathetically clueless', Dawn
said to herself with no small measure of exasperation.

"Buffy stop it, just stop it," Dawn demanded quietly. Buffy looked
at her confused.

"What are you talking about?"

"I know how you feel about Willow. How you REALLY feel so stop
pretending you don't."

"Huh? Sure, I care about Willow. She's my best friend and she just
brought me back from death. I owe her my life and I care for her.
I'm not pretending anything," Buffy said defensively.

"Yes you are. You're pretending that you don't love her and that her
being out with Tara isn't tearing you up inside."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Buffy feigned, sweat
beginning to form on her forehead as she panicked. `Does Dawn know
how I feel? Does she know I'm in love with Willow?'

"Yes you do. You're in love with Willow, and I don't mean `I-care-
for-you-best-friend-and-I'll-send-you-postcard-from-my-vacation'
love. I'm talking about the `I'd-die-without-you-I-can't-breathe-
without-you-I-never-want-to-be-without-you' kind of love." `How does
she know?' Buffy asked herself as her panic level continued to rise.
Dawn set her stare on Buffy firmly and Buffy saw no escape. She saw
that Dawn did indeed see the depth of her feelings for Willow and she
was frightened and relieved all at once. She ran a shaky hand
through her blonde hair and looked back at her sister who was waiting
patiently.

"I'm in love with Willow," she whispered, more to herself than to
Dawn. Dawn raised and eyebrow and smiled.

"Well DUH!" she laughed. "About time you caught up with the rest of
the class, Buffy. I was beginning to worry that you'd never catch
on." Buffy shook her head.

"Doesn't matter, Dawn. She doesn't feel that way about me," she
mentioned disappointedly. Dawn put her head in her hands and just
sighed.

"So smart and yet so very STUPID!" Dawn yelled, jumping up from her
seat and pacing in front of a surprised Buffy. "You really have NO
idea what's going on around you, do you?" Buffy just watched her in
mute silence. "Do you know where she is right now, Buffy? I mean,
you know she's with Tara but do you know what she's doing?" A
disgusted look flashed across Buffy's face as her mind dove into the
gutter. `Don't go there, don't go there, please don't think about
that,' she repeated to herself as she closed her eyes against her
emotional pain. Dawn watched the reaction and immediately stopped
her pacing and kneeled in front of her distraught sister.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Look," the teen started
gently. "Willow went through a lot when you.died." she was almost
unable to say the word, afraid that if she did, this would all be a
dream and Buffy would fade away. After reassuring herself that Buffy
was indeed real and not going anywhere, Dawn continued.

"She nearly followed you to the grave and I'm not saying that to be
melodramatic. She wouldn't eat, couldn't sleep and shut everyone out
of her life. Without you Buffy, she was lost. Totally lost. And I
was afraid I was going to lose her too." Buffy was shocked to hear
that her friend took her death so bad but at least it explained the
ragged look Willow had now. `Could Willow really have been upset
enough that she could have died?' Buffy shuttered at the thought.

"But why? We're just friends and she loves Tara," Buffy countered.
Dawn shook her head.

"Look, it's really not my place to say this, it's Willow's. But she
and Tara are over." Buffy's eyes widened in shock.

"Huh? Why? When? She didn't say."

"I guess she told Tara that she didn't love her like she should have,
that she loved someone else. I really shouldn't tell you this but if
someone doesn't light a fire under both your asses then you really
will lose each other forever. And then we'll all be screwed. That
someone else she loves is you, Buff. Willow loves, is in love with
you." Buffy shook her head violently.

"No she doesn't, she can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't deserve her," Buffy explained her voice barely above
a whisper. Anguish and anger at her sister warred within Dawn.
Anguish at the fact that Buffy so desperately loved Willow but didn't
know how to act on it and anger that Buffy would deny herself and
Willow the all encompassing love that they shared from being realized
because she foolishly felt unworthy.

"It's not about deserving anything, Buffy. It's about love. You
love her and she loves you. It really is that simple."

"Dawn, what exactly did Willow do to get me back?"

"I don't know for sure. Tara was the one who found out how to get to
you. We needed to get these two crystals so we could contact some
Oracles or something. These Oracles are different from the one's
Angel knew and you could only contact them with the crystals. I guess
Tara moved Heaven and Earth to get one from her friend and Giles
thought he knew someone in England that had one and he got it shipped
to us. We don't really know what Tara did to get hers and I don't
think anyone really cares either. She promised Giles she didn't get
her mojo on and that was enough for us."

"Tara helped get me back? But if what you're saying is true and
Willow has got feelings for me then why would Tara help knowing that
she might lose Willow?"

"She already lost Willow the second she met you. Tara knew when she
started her relationship with Willow that you were the one who held
Will's heart. But she wants Willow to be happy and if that means
being with you, then that is what Tara was willing to do."

"How do you know so much?"

"I'm a teenager, Buffy, I know everything. Plus, they teach us
reading and writing and easedropping at Sunnydale High. And I'm not
as stupid as everyone likes to assume I am." Buffy hugged her sister.

"I never thought you were stupid." Dawn opened her mouth to protest
but Buffy cut her off. "I may have said it in anger or said you were
foolish but I didn't really mean it. Besides, you're my little
sister, we share genes, you can't be stupid because I'm not." She
joked. Dawn laughed.

"I'm so glad you're back, Buffy. I missed you so much," she said as
she started to cry. Buffy shook her head and tried not to add her
tears to Dawn's.

"Don't cry, kiddo. I'm here and I'm alive and I don't plan on going
anywhere anytime soon. I think we've had enough tears to last us
awhile, don't you?"

"Yeah," Dawn sniffed. She looked up as Giles came back into the room.

"I brought you some toast and tea. I'm afraid that Angel's kitchen
is somewhat lacking in what you'd call the `creature comforts'. This
was the best I could do."

"Well, what I really want is a big fat juicy steak and some onion
rings. Oh, and a chocolate shake and maybe a baked potato with sour
cream. Or or maybe some french fires with extra ketchup." Buffy
drooled.

"Yeah, that's our Buffy, all right. Right down to the ravenous
appetite." Dawn quipped. Giles smiled at the younger girl but turned
his attention to a more pressing matter.

"How are you dealing with this Buffy? Are you all right?" Buffy
raised aneyebrow and then shrugged.

"I'm coping, if that's what you're asking. I don't remember a lot
about being dead, I mean I remember jumping in the portal," she was
looking at the floor and missed the way Dawn flinched at the
memory. "And then nothing really except I was fighting with
something over and over. It wasn't a demon or anything it was like I
was fighting with myself, inside. I flashed to something I saw while
I was gone when I saw the wound on Will's side. I think I must have
been fighting vamps and saw her hurt or something. It's like a hazy
dream you know?" she asked. Giles and Dawn agreed. "Anyway, that's
all I remember about it until Will showed up. I vaguely remember
talking to her and not believing she was real. But I guess she
convinced me she was because I'm here, right?"

"Right, I would suppose so. Any other side effects other than
physical pain?" Giles inquired.

"Nah," she answered reading the faces of the two before her. She
knew what they were thinking. "I'm not going to become `Comatose
Buffy' again, thanks. Once was enough."

"I believe catatonic would be a better description but I'm relieved
either way," Giles told her.

"I mean, I am kind of wigged about the whole `dead' thing. Think
about it, this time yesterday I was dead and now I'm not. I mean,
wow." Dawn nodded and hugged her sister.

"Trust me, we're aware of where you were yesterday. And I have never
been so happy to see anyone in my life," Dawn reassured her with
another huge hug.

"Well, if you need anyone to talk to Buffy you know that I am here
for you. I believe we all would be more than happy to help you
readjust if necessary."

"Thanks Giles. It's good to be home, well, in L.A. Anywhere is
better than dead."

"Yeah," Dawn agreed. "Although now I suppose I have to give back all
the clothes I borrowed." She joked. Buffy was about to the comment
when Tara and Willow entered the door. Buffy could see that both
girls had been crying but other than that they seemed OK. Tara waved
hello as she sat down on a nearby chair and Willow hovered in the
door.

"Willow, Tara," Giles greeted them. "I trust breakfast was good?"

"Wasn't really hungry," Tara admitted. "But it was OK." She watched
Willow shift nervously from foot to foot where she stood. Buffy
cocked her head to the side and regarded Willow with a critical eye.

"You all right, Will? How's your side?" she asked genuinely
concerned. Willow shrugged a shoulder and walked a little further
into the room.

"It's fine. How're you?" Willow deflected the question. Buffy
watched her for a few seconds more before she stood up and walked
over. Willow seemed to shrink away from Buffy's approach and that
left Buffy extremely confused. Willow had seemed fine last night and
now she was acting funny, like Buffy had done something wrong. And
poor Buffy didn't have a clue.

"What's up, Wills? Are you sure you're OK?" Willow took a few more
steps backwards while nodding furiously.

"Fine, great, nothing's wrong. Why would you think anything was
wrong? I mean you're here, you're alive and we have nothing to be
afraid of because you're not going anywhere and I have to get my
stuff so we can go home and I'll be upstairs and I'm going now,"
Willow babbled while taking off like a shot up the stairs. Buffy
watched her dumbfounded. After Willow disappeared, Buffy turned back
to the three other people in the room.

"What the Hell was that?" she demanded. She was met by three blank
stares and matching shrugs. She turned to Tara. "What did you two
talk about?"

"Um...noth.nothing really. Just you and the Oracles and me and
Willow. She's afraid of something Buffy and I don't know what. I
think you need to talk to her."

"Me?"

"Yes you. She's beside herself with joy and relief that you're back
but she won't let herself relax. She's wound so tightly Buffy that
I'm afraid she's going to snap soon. Please go talk to her," Tara
pleaded but Buffy was all ready halfway up the stairs.

"I'll go," she called back down. "You guys get ready to go home. I
think that'll be best for all of us." Tara, Dawn, and Giles all
exchanged confused looks and started to pack up. They knew if anyone
could get through to Willow, it was Buffy.



"Hey, Will?" Buffy called into the room they'd slept in as she went
through the door. "You in here?" She heard a muffled reply come from
the bathroom and sat down on the bed to wait. Every muscle in her
body seemed to be screaming at her at diferent decible levels and she
wanted nothing more than to lie down for a nap but her concern for
Willow's well being pushed all of that aside. If half of what Dawn
had said about Willow's behavior after her death was true, she was
really worried. She knew that the bond between them was deep but she
never imagined that Willow would take losing her that hard. A part
of her was elated to know Willow felt that strongly while another
part was disturbed by it. Willow came out of the bathroom and stood
silently at the window with her back to Buffy. Buffy observed her
for several minutes before breaking the oppressive stillness.

"Will, did I do something wrong to make you act this way? Is it
about yelling at you last night? Because if it is I'm sorry. I
wasn't mad I was just worried. I don't like to see you hurt,
physically or emotionally. Please tell me what's wrong," she was
almost to the point of begging. She could tell by the rigid way
Willow was holding herself that Tara was right. Willow was going to
snap if someone didn't do something soon, and it wasn't going to be
pretty when she did snap. Willow was the strongest person Buffy had
ever known and it disturbed her to see the redhead so agitated.

"It's not you, Buffy. It's me," Willow said in a voice rich with
unshead tears. Buffy got up off the bed and approached her best
friend who had obviously suffered in her absence and who had gone
above and beyond to bring her back. Inside, Buffy's spirit soared
with the knowledge that Willow cared so deeply for her and still felt
she needed her despite her own abilities as a Wicca.

"Why is it you?" she asked very gently, as she stood behind Willow,
afraid to crowd the girl. Willow's shoulders started to shake.

"I can't." she started. "I can't do this, Buffy. I can't." she
whispered. Buffy closed the space between them and wrapped her arms
around the distraught Wicca's waist.

"What can't you do, Willow? What is it?" Buffy beseeched her
friend. She had to know why Willow was so upset.

"I can't lose you again. I can't go back as if everything is fine
because it's not," Willow answered, her voice losing the whispered
quality and becoming hard. She turned around to face Buffy and Buffy
saw the fear and anger in Willow's eyes.

"You're mad at me for dying, aren't you?" Buffy asked, destroyed by
the knowledge. She hung her head down so low that Willow couldn't
see her face through her hair. Willow's emotions immediately changed
from anger to guilt at the pain and agony in the voice of the woman
she loved.

"No, no it's not that, Buffy. Please don't think that. What
happened wasn't your fault, you did what you had to to protect Dawn
and save the rest of us. I don't, I could never hold that against
you." Buffy raised her head to look at Willow and the tears that were
flowing down Buffy's cheeks saddened Willow.

"Then what is it?" she repeated just above a whisper. Willow sighed
and bit her lip. `How do I tell her I love her and have her not
think it's only because I lost her or something?' Willow
wondered. "Easy, don't tell her,' the voice answered. She sighed
again.

"I meant that losing you was so hard and I'm afraid that if it
happens again that I won't be able to go on. I know that that sounds
pathetically dependent or something but it's the way I feel."

"Is that what you're afraid of?"

"Mostly. I mean, Goddess, Buffy you were dead!" Willow's voice
became a shout and she pulled away from Buffy. Buffy watched the
suddenly mercurial emotions coming from the normally calm Willow with
interest. She knew that on some level Willow was still grieving,
even though she was standing right in front of her. Still confused,
Buffy decided to try and see things from Willow's point of
view. `What would I do, how would I act if Willow were to die?' she
asked herself. She suppressed the shiver that tried to work its way
up her spine at the mere thought. `I'd probably not take it as well
as she did. Look how I acted when I lost Dawn to Glory,' Buffy
reminded herself. `Didn't take that very well and Dawn was still
alive. I'd feel lost, hopeless, worthless, powerless and any
other `less' I could think of.' Finally she understood.

"You think it was your fault I died," Buffy said unbelievably. `How
could Willow ever think that?' Willow's face was streaked with tears.

"I was so preoccupied with Tara and getting her mind back that I
wasn't paying close enough attention. I KNEW there was someone up
there with Dawn and I didn't act fast enough, didn't DO enough and
you suffered because of it. You put your faith in me and I let you
down!" Willow ranted the truth of how she felt finally breaking
through the walls that she had meticulously built around herself.
Buffy was speechless as she watched Willow's entire world crash down
upon her. Now Buffy understood the fear and detatchment Willow was
presenting and she had to admit Willow had done a good job blaming
herself. `She learned it from watching me,' Buffy told
herself. `Self-incrimination is one of my specialties.'

"You think you let me down," she said more as a statement than as a
question. Willow nodded and wrapped her arms around herself.

"I did. When you really needed me I let you down and you died. You
lost your life, Dawn lost her sister and I lost the best friend I
ever had because I wasn't good enough. I failed." Buffy walked over
to her and enveloped her in a gentle but loving hug. She felt
Willow's body stiffen at the embrace and her heart lurched.

"You could never let me down, Willow. You did your best. You got
Tara back, you warned Spike that there was someone else there and
helped him get up to Dawn. You can't blame yourself because
something was out of your control." She felt Willow's body relax
slightly as she spoke. "What is it you want me to say, Will? I
don't hold it against you, if that's what you think. There's nothing
to hold against you. You did everything right, it was the situation
that was wrong." Willow's body began to shake as she started to cry
in earnest for the first time since Buffy died. Soon her legs were
unable to support her and Buffy had to help her to her knees. Willow
buried her face against Buffy who held on as sobs rocked the other
girls' frame.

"Please forgive me," Willow sobbed. Buffy's heart broke at the pain
Willow was in. She stroked the hair away from Willow's forehead and
kissed the top of her head gently.

"There is nothing to forgive, Willow. I love you, you're my best
friend and I owe you much more than my life," she paused waiting for
Willow to say something but she heard nothing but sobs. She
sighed. "But if it's what you need to hear, Will, I forgive you."
This comment ignited a fresh wave of tears from Willow and Buffy
thought for a moment that she had said the wrong thing. Finally
after several minutes she heard Willow's gentle voice.

"Thank you," Willow whispered with a voice hoarse from crying. She
leaned heavily against Buffy. "I'm just so tired," she admitted with
a cry-induced hiccup. Buffy nodded.

"Then rest. We're going home soon, to Sunnydale, home sweet Hell.
Why don't we rest until then?" she felt Willow nod. It took a little
effort but they managed to collapse on the bed a few minutes later
and they both fell into an exhausted sleep.


The ride home to Sunnydale was made in relative silence with Dawn,
Buffy and Willow riding with Giles while Tara went with Xander and
Anya. Buffy felt bad for poor Tara, having to ride with Anya and her
blunt way of putting things. She was probably unknowingly hurting
Tara's feelings with comments about her breakup with Willow. Xander
had all ready had to shush her twice at Angel's for her comments.
Buffy idly wondered if Anya would ever catch on to `appropriate'
conversation topics and `inappropriate' conversation topics. But
then, Buffy suspected that Anya knew and understood a lot more than
she let on. `You can't possibly live for over 1,000 years and still
not have a clue, could you?'

She was broken from her musings as Willow's head stirred from its
place on her lap. They had been awakened an hour or so after they'd
fallen asleep and gotten in the car. Willow had immediately fallen
asleep again and Buffy had pulled the girl closer so they both would
be more comfortable. Giles and Dawn had said nothing from the front
seat about it and Buffy was glad. She really didn't look forward to
ever explaining her feelings towards Willow to Giles. Hell, she
couldn't talk about them to Willow and the girl certainly had a right
to know.

"Where are we?" Willow asked her, her voice full of sleep. Buffy
smiled.

"Not far from home. Rest, I'll wake you when we get there. Besides,
you need to rest, Xander and Anya are planning a huge victory
celebration for when we get there."

"Ducky," Willow mumbled and then grimaced when she tried to shift
position. Buffy was immediately concerned.

"You're side?" Willow nodded.

"Hurts," she hissed through clenched teeth. Buffy helped her sit up
and they took a look at the wound. It was still bleeding and had
soaked through the bandages Buffy had put on it before they left.
Buffy sighed.

"I told you it needed stitches," she admonished. "When we get home I
think you'd better see a doctor." She was rewarded with an odd
smile. Buffy frowned. "What's so funny?"

"Could you see me explaining that one to the ER staff? `Uh, yeah,
you see, my friend died a few weeks back and we found a way to bring
her back and the beings that returned her gave me this as a sort of
payment.' They'll send me to the loony bin. Thanks but no thanks.
Besides, it'll be fine in a day or so." Buffy was unconvinced.

"You're just being stubborn," she pointed out. Willow nodded.

"Yup, mostly," she yawned. "But so are you. Anyway, I'm gonna go
back to my nap now. You make a nice pillow, you know." She put her
head back down and missed the deep blush Buffy displayed as she
thought about being a human pillow for Willow. `I really like the
thought of that.'

"Yup, that's me. Just call me `Willow Pillow'," she started to
ramble. She was stopped from continuing when Willow raised her head
and looked at her, eyebrow raised. Buffy shrugged.

"Take a nap, Buff. You need it too," Willow ordered. Buffy gave her
a mock salute.

"Yes, ma'am, Willow ma'am," and she put her head back on the seat and
let her mind drift. `I will tell you soon, Willow, just how deeply I
love you. I swear it.'



The party was fun but it was soon obvious that the two guests of
honor were too pooped to pop so good-nights were said and Xander and
Anya headed back to his place for the first time in weeks and Giles
decided to check his flat. He'd been neglecting his housekeeping
duties and the group shuttered to think of the dust that must have
accumulated in his absence. Tara had left shortly after arriving
home but promised to come by and check on them in the morning. Buffy
was sitting on one end of the couch trying to still the growing
butterflies in her stomach. She wasn't going to wait any longer to
tell Willow how she really felt. In the car on the ride home she'd
had another nightmare invloving Willow dying and she didn't want
another moment pass without the truth being out there. `Oh, how X-
Files of me.' She had to make sure Willow knew just in case the
unthinkable happened (again) and to Hell with the consequences.

"Will, could we talk?" Buffy asked hestitantly after everyone had
gone home. Dawn had gone upstairs to her room earlier and left the
two older girls alone. Willow shrugged and flopped down on the couch
with a loud fwump. She winced at the pain the action sent up her
injured side.

"Sure. What's on your mind?" While Willow's voice sounded
nonchalant, inside her emotions were swirling out of control. After
her mental meltdown earlier, she was afraid that Buffy figured out
how she felt and was repelled by it. She was scared that Buffy
didn't want to be friends anymore. That would undoubtedly kill the
young Wicca and she knew it. Buffy was her everything, her lifeline
and reason for living and sure, maybe it wasn't healthy to feel that
strongly about a person but she couldn't help it. If Buffy turned
her away it would be far worse than losing her to death because it
would be Buffy's choice. She was dimly aware that Buffy was speaking
again.

"There's something that I swore to myself I was going to tell you.
That I was going to say it and get it over with because neither of us
can afford to go on living this way. We've been lying to ourselves,
Will, and it has to stop. Before it destroys this friendship." `Oh,
Goddess, she really is going to tell me she's disgusted by me and
that she wants me to get out of her life! I'll die! Please don't
Buffy, please', Willow begged internally. Her insides twisted
painfully and a band constricted around her chest choking the air
from her lungs. Buffy was oblivious to her friends' discomfort and
impending panic because she was concentrating so hard on what it was
she wanted to say and trying to fight her own panic and anxiety.

"Anyway, I'm just going to do it but stay with me, it isn't going to
be easy."

"Oh, OK. Just say it, Buffy." Willow said around the rapidly growing
lump in her throat. "Whatever it is I'm sure it's not as bad as
you're making it sound."

"You might not think that after I'm done. OK, here goes." She took a
deep cleansing breath and let go. "Do you remember that conversation
we had months ago in the dorm? The one about soulmates and
balance?" Willow thought for a moment and then nodded.

"Yeah, why?" `Not what I was expecting to hear, but OK. Maybe she's
finally going to tell me who it was she had been talking about.
Going to tell me who I finally lost her forever to.'

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about that conversation and how
you reacted to it. You said some pretty wonderful things to me, you
know that?"

"I only told you the truth. Any guy'd be lucky to have you." `Even
if I wish it could be me. I swear that if anyone ever hurts you
again I WILL beat them over the head with a shovel. Just because
Riley escaped my wrath.'

"What if it wasn't a guy I was in love with?" Buffy asked with a shy
smile. She couldn't wait to see the look on Willow's face. And
Willow didn't disappoint. Buffy was sure if Willow's eyes bugged out
any further that they'd land with a splat on the floor.

"WHAT?" Willow's voice was strained and about three octaves too
high. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. `Could Buffy
really have fallen for a woman? Who? Anya? Cordy? Someone from
school or, could it, oh Goddess please, be me?'

"You heard me. What if it was a woman that I fell for? What would
you say then?" The color seemed to drain from Willow's face for a
minute before returning a moment later only few shades darker.

"Welcome to my side of the sandbox?" Willow joked weakly. Her head
was spinning so fast she thought she was going to pass out and she
was having difficulty stringing two thoughts together. "Seriously,
I'd say the same thing. She'd be lucky to have you. But Buffy,
you've never given any indication that you were anything but
straight. Why the sudden change of heart?" she asked when she was
finally able to speak. Buffy shrugged.

"It wasn't sudden. And maybe it was because I can't control who
holds my heart and the other half of my soul. Maybe it was because I
was so blind to what was right in front of me that I denied it for so
long. Maybe I was afraid to lose the most important person in my
life because I had a raging case of Slayer hormones but it turned out
to be so much more. I don't know why, Will, I just know is. And
this love is." she paused, searching for the right
words. "Overwhelming. Perfect. Whole and right and nothing can
change that."

"Who?" Whereas Willow's voice was strained and high moments earlier,
now it was scarcely above a whisper. So much was riding on that one
question; her hopes, her fears and above all else her heart. But she
had to know, regardless of who it was. Time seemed to stop as she
waited for Buffy's answer. Buffy just smiled.

"Aren't you listening? Gee, for the smart one you sure are slow
sometimes. I love you Willow Rosenberg, with all my heart and soul
in a way that I have never loved anyone before. I can't change that
but I'm not going to hide from it anymore either. You're my other
half, my soulmate, Will. I know that with absolute certainty." Buffy
told her with such conviction in her voice that Willow
had no doubt that she was telling the truth. And with that
realization, Willow's world spun off its axis. She saw colors swirl
in front of her eyes and felt the couch beneath her list to the
side. It was a few moments before she heard and interpretted Buffy's
words of concern.

"Oh, my God, Willow, are you all right? You look like you're about
to pass out. I didn't mean to upset you I just can't keep it inside
anymore. You mean too much to me."

"You love me.are in love with me.in like a head-over-heels type of
love?" Willow interrupted, finally in charge of her faculties again.
Buffy nodded.

"Yes, even in babble mode," she said with a smile. "Head-over-heels,
ass-over-teakettle kind of love." Then she frowned at Willow's
continuing silence. "Please don't hate me," she begged afraid that
Willow would do just that. Willow reached out with a trembling hand
and grasped Buffy's hand. She locked her fingers around Buffy's and
brought both up to her face. She placed Buffy's hand against her
cheek and nuzzled it softly. Buffy felt all her worry and fear melt
away with that simple action. She knew without a doubt that Willow
felt the same way. The love that was radiating from Willow's soft
green eyes nearly took her breath away.

"I could never hate you, Buffy. I love you too much. I just.I
didn't know what to say. Imagine that, me, the chronic babbler had
nothing to say. I just never dreamed, never let myself hope that you
might feel the same kind of love for me that I do for you. And then
I lost you," tears sprang into Willow's eyes as she remembered the
events of the past few weeks and the pain that accompanied it. Buffy
reached up with her other hand and wiped the tears away as they
fell. "And I thought I'd never get another chance to tell you, to
share with you." Willow admitted. Another thought popped into her
head. "You were trying to tell me that night in the dorm, weren't
you?" Buffy nodded.

"In my own pathetic and vague sort of way, yeah, I was. I had
realized before then that my feelings for you were more than
friendly. But there was always something, or someone that just made
it so the timing was never right. Angel, Parker, Oz, Tara, Riley,
they all got in the way or some upcoming apocalyptic event was
screwing with our lives. And I never told you when I had a calm
moment for fear of driving you away. I need you in my life, Wills,
more than you know. Be it as a friend or more." they were both
excited by the possibility of `more'. Buffy slid closer to Willow on
the couch.

"Whatcha thinking?" Buffy asked after Willow closed her eyes and was
silent a little longer. She slid an arm around Willow's shoulders.

"That I could die happy knowing that you love me." Buffy frowned.

"No Way, Wills. I'm not letting you go anytime soon. Besides, I've
had enough adventures in death to last me, well, a lifetime."

"You're right. I'm sorry. I guess then that I am at last content.
Finally contented and happy." Willow told her honestly. She let out a
long sigh and put her head on the back of the couch. Buffy smiled at
the display and couldn't resist poking a little fun. She just wanted
to hear Willow's voice again and be reassured that this was real and
not a dream or nightmare.

"Was I that boring, Will?" Buffy joked while reaching out to twirl a
piece of Willow's hair around her finger. She finally felt free from
everything that was weighing her down. She knew that tomorrow she'd
have to deal with new problems, new ordeals that would be difficult
but she also knew that with Willow by her side and with Willow's love
she would face it all. `Besides, that's tomorrow, this was now.'

"Never, Buffy. There is no such thing as a boring moment with you
around. Not that that's a bad thing or anything because it doesn't
always mean something bad. It could mean something good and usually
does especially when you're involved," Willow babbled. Buffy sat
back and watched. "I just meant that you always bring something new
and fresh to my life, to all of our lives and it's what I love about
you. Well, it's one of the things but it's not the only thing
because there is so much to love about you and please have mercy and
stop my babbling." Buffy laughed and then did the only thing she
could do to stop Willow's mouth from rambling. Something she had
wanted to do for a very long time. She kissed her gently and when
she felt Willow relax into her, she felt everything fall into place.

Everything starting from the day she first met Merrick and was sent
on the wild path to her destiny as the Slayer was meant to bring her
to Willow. She knew that now, unequivocally. And it made everything
along the way worth it.

"Oh, wow that was." Willow started after they broke apart. She saw
the dazed look in Buffy's eyes and was sure that the same look was
mirrored in her own.

"Good." Buffy finished for her in the same whispered tone. She ran a
finger over her lips, which were still tingling from the warmth of
Willow's lips. They sat there like that for several minutes, just
looking at each other. Buffy eventually looked away as a nagging
thought continued to bother her. Willow leaned in closer to catch
her eye.

"You're OK with this, right? You don't regret what we just said or
did, do you?" her voice got progressively smaller as she spoke and
Buffy snapped her head back up in surprise. She cupped Willow's face
in her hands and stared at her intently hoping she'd understand.

"What? Oh, never, Willow. Please don't think I could ever regret
loving you or letting you know it's just." she trailed off.

"Are you afraid of what Dawn or our friends are going to think?
Because I think you should know that Dawn knew how we felt before we
did," she said with a laugh. Buffy joined her.

"Yeah, I know. She told me. I think her exact words were `someone's
gotta light a fire under both your asses' or something of the sort.
That's not it because even if she didn't know, I wouldn't care if I
had her or anyone else's approval. All I care about it you." Willow
blushed at the love behind the words.

"Then what is it then? You know you can tell me anything."

"It's just." she sighed. "You deserve so much, Willow. You deserve
everything. But I can't promise you everything. I can't promise you
the stars or anything. I swear I would if I could but I can't.
Hell, I can barely promise you tomorrow. In my line of work,
everyday is a gift that can be taken at anytime. I think recent
events proved that. I want to give you everything but all I have is
me." Buffy finally admitted. Her deepest fear being that she
wouldn't be enough for Willow and that one-day she would lose her.
She couldn't promise not to die, it'd already been proven that she
could die and probably would again. Only next time, chances were she
wouldn't be coming back.

Willow wiped the tears off of her face and then the ones that had
rolled down Buffy's face as she spoke. She had never heard anything
so sweet and loving come from anyone. And she certainly never heard
the level of vulnerability she was hearing come from Buffy. She was
deeply touched that Buffy was being so open and honest with her and
wanted nothing more than to allay her love's fears.

"That's all I ask, Buff. I don't want the stars, the moon, the sun
or any of that. It's all icing, an added bonus to having you." She
continued to stroke Buffy's cheek. "This may sound cheesy, but, you
are my sun, my moon and my guiding star. You have been since we
met. Don't be upset that you think you have nothing to offer me.
You are all I want." Buffy started to cry in earnest, the relief was
that strong. She had no doubt that Willow meant every word she said.

"Thank you, Willow."

"No problem, it's only the truth. Look, I don't know what's going to
happen tomorrow any more than you do. But now that we both know how
we feel about each other, I'm ready to face whatever comes our way.
I can face it knowing you love me and I will never have any regrets
about any of it. Ever."

"Me either," Buffy agreed. Willow stared at her for a few minutes.
Or rather, she stared at Buffy's lips, remembering how soft and warm
they felt against her own. Buffy knew what she was thinking and
smiled.

"Hey, Buffy, you know that kiss we shared a few minutes ago?" Willow
asked quietly. Buffy's smile grew wider.

"Yeah," she drawled, trying to sound sultry. To her own ears, she
sounded silly, but the smile on Willow's face told her that she
didn't.

"Could we." Willow started to ask. Buffy started to nod.

"Do that again? Yeah, sure, you betcha," Buffy answered as she moved
in for another kiss. While the first kiss had been gentle, curious,
this one was positively electric. Energy seemed to course through
and between the two and flowed to every cell in their bodies. It
infused them with a part of the other and it was in that moment that
their two souls touched. Two half-souls that had been searching for
their mates throughout time connected and were finally made whole.

Buffy and Willow were oblivious to these little facts for now,
content to simply be in the moment together. Whatever happened in
the past, whatever might happen in the future didn't matter. Only
this moment in time did. And they were more than willing to embrace
this particular moment and each other.

Unnoticed to either of them, a figure sat silently on the stairs
watching them. She'd only been there for a few minutes but long
enough to know that everything was finally as it should be.

"Yes," Dawn said to herself while smiling so wide she thought her
face would split in two. She stood up and quietly went back to her
room. She knew her sister was alive and happy at last and that was
all Dawn needed to know.



::::Bwha ha ha ha ha...it's finally done! My first full length Buffy
fic! It only took me from June 25th to now (July 4th) to finish.
It's a minute before midnight EST as I write this and I am
EXHAUSTED! But I'm proud of the finished product and hope you like
it.-Aeryn::::walking away happy to refill her sippy cup::::





Community email addresses:
Post message: buffyloveswillow@xxxxxxxxxxx
Subscribe: buffyloveswillow-subscribe@xxxxxxxxxxx
Unsubscribe: buffyloveswillow-unsubscribe@xxxxxxxxxxx
List owner: buffyloveswillow-owner@xxxxxxxxxxx

Shortcut URL to this page:
http://www.egroups.com/group/buffyloveswillow

Offical archive for the list:
http://www.geocities.com/slayerhacker/

Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/