Re: Walking into Darkness

[danspector@xxxxxxxxx]

Dear Melissa,

I've decided to reply to you offline for three reasons. First, this is
literally my first day on the list (and yours is the first fic I've had
e-Mailed to meand a fine way to start it is) and I still have
problems, both technical and psychological, with posting. Second, I
kind of feel that detailed feedback to writers might be better done
privately (allowing constructive criticismand very little of it; did
I mention I loved the fic?without telling everyone). And, third, you
might have noticed, but I tend to write in depth.

This covers parts 1 & 2. By the way, part 1 came to me in the normal
e-mail style, but part 2 was in that ugly plain-text font, with the
lines ending in odd places. Do you know what causes that? (I'd like to
avoid it when I post my own fics.)

I very much liked the introductory paragraph which sets up the story as
a flashback. First of all, it tells us that Willow will survive, which
is reassuring as some Faith fics can get kind of dark, and tough as our
co-religionist is, one can't help but be concerned at the thought of a
neophyte taking Buffy's place in Faith's adventures. Also the mention
of the ruins of Sunnydale High lets us know that the story will be
plot-driven, and makes us wonder if we're going to go through the whole
season 3 plot from "Faith, Hope, and Trick" on, or if the mention of
"weeks" means that events will be sped up and considerably changed.

Willow's bad day at school is nicely sketched, but the next paragraph I
feel might be punched up a bit to emphasize how devastated she is and
thus how far she' s run that she can't (in part 2) find her way back to
the school. Also perhaps more mystery, as a whining Buffy and a happy
X/C really shouldn't push Will THAT far over the edge. And why does she
feel "completely alone?" Oz is there, and pre-"clothes fluke" is the
happiest time of their relationship (indeed, in the actual "Faith, Hope,
and Trick", she's thrilled at her & Oz and Xander & Cordy being all
couple-y [and also the gang has to pick her up to get her across the
street to go off-campus to meet Buffy so it had better be something
really bad to make Rules Freak Willow totally ditch. Remember, this is
the girl who Tara later says "wouldn't blow off class if your hair was
on fire." Oh, and Buffy's still expelled before they meet Faith, so she
wouldn't be at school.])

(Boy, I really started to nit-pick there. Don't worrynone of it
bothered me the first time I read it.)

Anyway, even if you're going to go for "Willow was always totally gay
and Oz didn't mean anything," I think you should still acknowledge his
presence in her life.

So, Willow and Faith hit it off (pun!) when there's a clean slate? A
relationship not colored (yet, anyway) by their mutual love (I think
it's fair to use that word) for Buffy? Great idea. Second part of
Great Idea: this means that when Buffy has to deal with the F/W
relationship, her reaction won't be affected by the whole Bad
Girls/Enemies thing. Assuming Buffy realizes her own Lesbian self,
would she be jealous of Willow for selecting the "wrong" slayer, or of
Faith for forsaking the Chosen Two bond?

(Ever notice how much "Buffy Gets Jealous" fic there is? I guess since
her sapphic side is less developed on-air than those of Willow, Faith,
and Tara, a lot of writers let her have her catharsis in reaction to
other romantic events, and then she's late to the dance, and Odd Slayer
Out. Harsh treatment for our heroine, given that she's the one the
entire original cast, save Cordelia, is in love with.)

And it's very nice to see you posit that Faith and Willow find each
other beautiful. Gives the on-camera feuding a nice subtext, as each
girl's attraction to her rival makes her worry more that Buffy will make
the wrong choice. (Hmm, also gives "Willow not driving stick anymore?"
a rather catty tone. No wonder she swiftly reduces Tara to a stuttering
cow; jealous, much?)

The casual, but then insistent "you're not gay" thoughts fit nicely in
with Willow's psyche at this stage. Previously, she probably wouldn't
have even thought that finding Faith attractive had anything to do with
Willow herself being gay, but she's not at the strenuous denial mixed in
with "maybe I am" questioning place she would be after "Doppelgangland."

It's kind of sweet to see Faith going all girly and nervous and talking
in a run-on sentence and immediately asking Willow out and calling her
"beautiful." I guess some might say a too-sweet Faith blows the point of
the character, but I personally like sappy. And as I said, the opening
paragraph foreshadows drama ahead, thus acting as a counterweight to the
"awwww" factor.

I'd say that given how quickly Faith called her "beautiful", Willow
shouldn't worry about being "out of her league," but it's natural
enough, especially for the character.

"Red" as an affectionate nickname? Funny how the same act can seem so
different in a different context.

Sort of disappointed to find out that Faith's already fucked some girls.
I always felt that even though she's a Great Big Lesbo (as Cordy'd say),
it was just "get some, get gone" with the boys until Buffy touched her
heart.

(By the way, saw "Disharmony" for the first time last night, and I love
that right after "Great Big Lesbo" Charisma Carpenter keeps the smile
plastered on Cordy's face as Willow drops the bomb, even though it's a
phone conversation, and Willow can't see her. Very Cordelia. But why
hadn't Willow told her before? They've had on-air conversations
post-"New Moon Rising", and clearly, Cordy calls her for the Sunnydale
scoop, as she's doing here. Not very prideful, Will. [She told Angel,
didn't she?])

I, personally, could have used a few more "Faith thought" and "Willow
thought" lines to keep the paragraphs straight. I know they alternate,
but I actually thought it was Willow concerned that Faith was a demon,
not a mutual worry, until I re-read it.

Well, this went on much longer than I thought it would, but as I say,
it's my first feedback. Let me say again, I loved the fic, and look
forward to more of it, and I hope you enjoyed the critique.

Best wishes and Break a Pen (or whatever), 

Dan Spector