FIC: Straight Through the Heart [2/?]

[danspector@xxxxxxxxx]

TITLE: Straight Through the Heart [2/?]
RATING: R (this chapter PG-13 for angst, a bad word and an f/f
thoughtsee chapter 1 for all elements)
SUMMARY: After "Lovers Walk", one slayer comforts a heart-broken
Willow, and the other heals an injured Cordelia. This Chapter: Willow
lets it ALL out.
SPOILER: Everything through "Lovers Walk", key eps this time are
"Passion" and "Becoming, Part 2"
DISCLAIMER: If you think I own this, you must need serious psychiatric
help. Try Joss Whedon, et. al. (for ownership rights, not
therapyalthough who knows?)
ARCHIVING: Folks are archiving my B/Fs, so, B/W archivers, be the first
on your block! But tell me.
FEEDBACK: I'm addicted to it already. Sad. Feed the habit, either on
the lists or at danspector@xxxxxxxxx. Flames, however, kill the buzz,
so skip 'em.

I'm sure I'll stop doing dedications, eventually. But it would be
silly to stop before acknowledging the vast amount of work and energy it
takes to be a listmom or dad. So we'll do several dedications to the
people who nurture my lists, and since this chapter is B/W only, we'll
start with Lindsay Ryan at buffyandwillowslash, home of the vanishing
HTML version.

Hey, wasn't this a 4-parter? Yeah, but Chapter 2 got so big I had to
split it, and now we'll have several chapters of what was one big B/W
scene (hang in there, F/C fans, they'll be back!), and Giles only knows
how many chapters this will now run. That's why the Chapter title
changed, too: "Too Many Consonants" wil be the title of whichever
chapter ends up the last part of what was once one whole big Chapter 2.
Enjoy.
********************************************


Chapter 2: Big Honkin' Superguilt

Joyce Summers dropped Buffy and Willow off at Willow's house. Buffy had
told her mom in the car that she would be spending the night at Willow's
and Joyce, noting the withdrawn, almost shattered, look on the face of
her daughter's best friend, agreed immediately. Joyce thought about
asking Willow to stay at her place, but then realized what Buffy already
had, that Willow would feel better faster in the familiarity of her own
room. So, after picking up some vegetarian sandwiches (the dinner table
would not be an option for Willow tonight), Joyce drove the two friends
over to the Rosenberg house.  

They were almost to the stairs, when Buffy heard Sheila Rosenberg
calling her name. Well, nearly.

"Bunny! Are you going to be staying with us tonight?"

"Yes, Mrs. Rosenberg."

"Fine. Willow, dinner's at seven."

"We're just going to eat upstairs," Buffy said, jumping in. She
indicated the sandwiches in their bag. "Veggie subs; very healthy.
Builds strong rabbits."

Sheila blinked. She never could get Muffy's sense of humor. Still, it
was nice that her daughter had such a good friend; for years, all she'd
had was that boy with the strange name. Sheila suddenly realized that
Willow hadn't said a word.  

"Honey, are you okay? Did you have a rough day at school?"

"An extra test, nothing much," Buffy lied, wanting to cut this short.
"Come on, Will, let's go," she said, leading the redhead up the stairs.

"Give Joy my best," Sheila called after them. Buffy wondered, and not
for the first time, if Willow was her friend's real name, or if Sheila
had simply gotten it wrong when Willow was an infant, and never bothered
to correct the mistake.

"Here you go, Will, take a seat," Buffy said, as Willow sat on her
bedand did nothing else. Her head was pointed down towards the
floor, but to say she was looking at it (or anything else) would have
been a lie.

Buffy paced, wanting to let Willow take her time, but not liking the
silence. The fact that Willow's normal reaction to stress was to rush
headlong into babble mode made the quiet seem twice as bad. When Willow
had cried, Buffy had tried to soothe and reassure her, but that had just
made Willow withdraw even further, and Buffy was starting to worry.

Finally, Buffy, never very patient, took the lead.  

"Will, talk to me," she said, sitting on the bed.

"Nothing to talk about," came the still, small answer.

"Come on," said Buffy, "it'll make you feel better." She didn't like
coaxing Willow like a small child, and was annoyed with herself for not
being better able to draw the hacker out.

"I'm fine," said Willow, picking up her head.  

Injured pride, thought Buffy. Well, I guess it's a start.

"Yeah, sure," Buffy said, trying some gentle chiding. "I've never seen
such a dazzling smile."

"I'm not crying," Willow said, meeting her gaze with puffy, pain-filled
eyes.  

"Well, maybe you should let it all out."

"Why? You didn't want me to cry before, so I'm not crying. This is me,
not crying. Not-Crying me."

Well, that's almost babble, Buffy thought. Keep it going.

"It'll all be okay." Buffy went for the platitude, figuring it would
either soothe or piss off her friend, either of which would help.

"GOD, BUFFY, WOULD YOU JUST STOP WITH THE BULLSHIT, ALREADY??" Willow
roared, springing off the bed and shocking the hell out of Buffy. Well,
Buffy thought, I guess that's one vote for "piss her off".  

"I mean, just stop lying!" Willow continued, gaining steam. "You don't
have to go around and act like the perfect best friend, because you're
not fooling anyone! It's NOT going to be okay! I KNOW it's not going
to be okay! I'm a big girl, I can live with it!" She was gasping for
air now, and tears were flowing down her cheeks, but they were still
angry tears.

"I mean, I always knew I was going to blow it. I didn't have to be any
big mystic slayer, and have these big prophetic dreams, to know I would
find a way to screw it up!" Willow's use of profanity had shocked Buffy
less than she would have expected (she figured Willow had been storing
it up), but the rage pouring out from the redhead stunned the slayer.
"I'd lie in that bed and I'd think and I'd realize that I finally had
friends and I had you and I still had Xander and I had a boyfriend, in a
band no less, and everybody was happy, and I'd wonder how long until I
ruin this, too, and now it's all gone, so I guess I was right, huh?"

"How would you" Buffy started, confused at where this was coming
from.

"Because I always do! Because I find ways to drive people away! I'm
just bad! That's why I never had any friendsI mean there has to be a
reason, it's not just the name, "Harmony" is a stupid name, toothere
must just be something about me that's rotten, that makes people hate
me, or else I wouldn't have been the single least popular kid in
schoolI mean, I was dragging Xander downand there were two kids
who turned into vampires and were still more popular than meand I
never had anyone except Xander, who'll never talk to me again, and one
teacher, who I got killed"

"Hey!" Now Buffy was on her feet. "That's MY guilt-trip!"

"Oh, would you get over yourself?" Now Buffy was shocked, and a little
mad, as Willow continued. "Enough with the big honkin' superguilt; not
everything is about Buffy, you know."

"Well, I'm sorry my causing the deaths of dozens of innocent people
bores you, but I seem to remember having sex with Angel, and YOU WEREN'T
THERE!"

"You didn't know!"

"That's no excuse"

"That's the perfect excuse! You didn't know, he didn't know, nobody
knew! I never saw Angel handing out any cards that said: 'Warning! I
am under a gypsy curse and any fun will turn me into an evil killer, so
no bouncy-bouncy, and I really mean it.'"

"But I"

"But me, I knew he'd turned evilhim trying to kill me was kind of a
clueI had, what, a month, five weeks, to find a way to restart the
curse and give Angel his soul back, and instead I'm all 'I've got a
boyfriend! My boyfriend is in a band!' and I don't even think of
helping my favorite teacher, and the next thing I know, it's all goodbye
Ms. Calendar, is my killing you going to hurt my grade?"

"And the fact that you had like zero magic experience and were number
three on the spell team"

"I could have helped! I mean, that's what I do, right? Computers and
magic? That's all I do, that's what I didonce I finally got off my
big fat butt and did something. Actually, I didn't even have to get off
my butt, I did it in a hospital bed, just out of a comaGod, it was so
easy, I practically did it in my sleep! I mean, at first I wasn't so
impressed 'cause I thought nothing happened, but then you came back and
I found out it worked, so obviously I should have done something before,
I do it one lousy minute earlier and you don't have to kill Angel, you
don't have to leave, but I didn't, cause I'm bad, I'm bad and evil and
rotten and lazy and stupid and selfish and bad, and I said "Well, forget
fighting evil, I'll just be normal girl and live my life", and then I
wrecked all that, too, and now everyone's ruined and Cordelia's almost
dead and Xander can't look at me and Oz left and you're going to leave
like you did before and it'll be my fault again and Giles'll blame me
and I won't have anyone ever again and I'll die miserable and alone and
I deserve it and I got a stupid 740 on my SAT verbal, which has nothing
to do with anything, but it still sucks, and&okay, that's everything
but it's enough."

With that, Willow ran down and stood, silently sobbing and not quite
swaying, more like Willow was listing in a wind that wasn't there and
looking like she was going to falland Buffy realized with a start
that she was at least ten seconds late with the hug and quickly stepped
over and grabbed Willow and held her tight.

Buffy couldn't believe the core of loneliness and pain Willow had tapped
into. Sure, she had moments like that, but not Willow, please, not
Willow

"Willow," she cried, her own tears flowing, "you're not bad, you're not
bad, you're the unbaddest person I've ever known. And your butt is very
sexy." Whoa, Buffy, the blonde thought, let's not go THERE.

(to be continued in "World Peace and Quality Hair Care")