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Title:
Straight Through the Heart [7/?]
Author: Dan Spector Pairings: B/W, F/C Rating: R (this chapter PG-13f/f feelings peaking, still a lot of angst) Summary: After "Lovers Walk" one slayer comforts a heartbroken Willow, while the other heals an injured Cordeliaor did I already say that? This Chapter: Buffy makes incorrect assumptions and says the wrong thingsexcept when she doesn't. Spoilers: Everything through "Lovers Walk". Key eps this time are "Prophecy Girl", "The Dark Age", "Surprise", "Innocence", "Passion" (now having qualified for a lifetime membership), "Becoming, Parts 1 & 2", "Dead Man's Party", "Beauty and the Beasts", "Band Candy" and "Lovers Walk". Also, Buffy paraphrases her big speech in "Amends". Disclaimer: Buffy wants Willow, Willow wants Buffy, and I want them both, but Joss Whedon (and others) own all the characters, so no such luck. Archiving: Hey, let's hear it for Faithtastic, who's putting me up, thus joining Misty and sparing me from repeating the same old line. The invitation remains open for others, so long as you tel me about it. Feedback: Look, I know I made you guys wait, but you're better than that (unless you flame). Send to danspector@xxxxxxxxx or on the lists. Apology: I know this one was too late, even allowing for its length. I think 8 should come much quicker, but obviously I shouldn't make promises. This one is dedicated to Mel, aka Misty, the first person to give this fic an archival home. She's also my only non-pairing-restricted archivist, so all my B/Ws and B/Fs and whatevers will have a place to play together. Now if she could only fix that thing that makes geocities sites look like they're shifted off the right edge of the screen& (I know, nag, nag, nag&)
Chapter 7: Seven Little Words "I'm so sorry I hurt you, Willow," Buffy said, feeling helpless and stupid. Her best friend was sobbing, shattered and broken against her body, and all she could offer were seven tiny, useless, and insignificant words. It was bad enough when all my problems were driving me crazy, she thought, now I'm such a basket case that poor Will suffers from just being near me. "Please don't cry," she continued, feeling trite and clueless, "I was just trying not to hurt you." "But you do hurt me, Buffy," Willow whined, still shaky, "I see you in all this pain and you never let me in. You run away and you lie to me and, and&you treat me like I'm a little girl!" she sobbed, feeling childish and inadequate. Her own feelings aside, why should Buffy let her help, anyway? What could she really know about Buffy, how could she understand a love like Buffy and Angel had shared or the passion that had driven them to make love, and the regret that followed them to this day, the pain of always longing for something that could never be? How could she hope that Buffy would understand what she felt, when Buffy must be feeling things that she couldn't even dream of? "You-you're not a little girl, Will!" Buffy declared, hugging her closest companion even tighter. "You're brave and you're strong and I love you so much!" But I can't show you, she thought, because I know you like guys, you always have. I must really want to hurt myself, because I always do the worst thing possible: I'm a vampire slayer and yet I fall in love with a vampire, I cost him his soul, and now I'm getting all excited about my best friend, which I know she wouldn't like (she's always been in love with Xander, and now Oz), so I somehow must be wanting to drive her away. But I won't do that, I'll stop myself, I won't make you suffer just so I can feel bad about it. I'm going to do the right thing and stay in control. "And you're always right, too," Buffy continued, "I do try and do things all by myself; I don't rely on my friends enough. You're a really great friend and I should know that I can tell you anything, because you're my friend," Buffy said, figuring she was safe as long as she kept saying "friend", "so I'm going to try and be a better friend, the kind of friend you deserve, so from now on I'm going to tell you everything," (except how I feel about you, because I'm probably just feeling it so I can hurt you; a hell of a friend I am) "and I'll try to be a true friend to you" (you know, the sort of friend who lies to you even while she's swearing she won't) "even though I can never be as good a friend as you are to me; you're the best friend ever" Willow, understandably sick of the word "friend" after its seventh mention, squirmed out of Buffy's arms and hastily retreated to her bedside, still slightly quivering. "Willow, what is it? Did I say something wrong?" Can't she tell? No, obviously not, and there's no reason she should. "It, it's nothing, I, uh, just realized how silly I was being; I'll be fine." Did she sense I was lying with the "friend" thing? Oh, God, what if I've hurt her again? "You sure?" Buffy asked, taking a couple of tentative steps forward. "Please!" Willow cried as she sagged onto the bed. "I just need a second, Buffy," she said, one hand across her rapidly blinking eyes, the other arm outstretched with the palm extended in a 'stop' gesture, "I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'm finenow." She lowered her arm and the hand from her face and looked at Buffy with steady, drying eyes, wearing what would have been Brave Face if she hadn't been desperately gnawing on the inside of her lower lip to try and stabilize herself. "Yeah, Will, you look great," Buffy agreed, so angry at herself that she couldn't keep the sarcasm out of her voice. Willow didn't need that condescending tone of Buffy's and counterattacked. "So you could have killed Angel at the mall, but you let him get away and he killed a lot of people, right?" she asked, concerned (but a part of her enjoyed rubbing it in). "No way around it," Buffy said, almost relieved to have something different to think about. "Yes. I really am sorry I didn't tell you" Willow cut her off, feigning disinterest. "No, I just overreacted; don't worry about it." Buffy didn't know what to make of this, but Willow continued, trying to act coldly logical. "So, basically, you're sayingyou made a mistake." "Yep. Big one. Thirty-five dead people." Willow was somewhat miffed that Buffy was missing her point, so she gave it further emphasis. "Because you, Buffy, made a mistake." Boy, I must really have done something wrong, Buffy thought. "I get it, Will, you don't have to go on all night." No wonder Buffy loved Angel, Willow thought, they could both be pretty dense. "I'm sorry," Willow said, falling back on heavy sarcasm, "I'm just in such shock, because it's not like you ever made a mistake before." "No, I've killed innocent people before and I probably will again," Buffy snapped. "Are you happy now?" "Because you admitted you're not perfect? Yes, I am, Buffy, because you're never going to be perfect, and you're going to do a whole lot better job as soon as you realize that." Buffy stopped, stung by this, and sat down quietly on the bed. "Have I been doing that, Will?" she asked. "Have I been making mistakes because I've been too hung up on the guilt?" "Probably," Willow said. Buffy flinched, but Willow put her emotions aside, determined to make the slayer take her medicine. "You were feeling guilty about everything Angel did when he was bad; that's why you didn't tell us he was back. And that was a mistake." "Yeah," Buffy said, ruefully. "Big time." "And look at what happened," Willow went on, going back to the sarcasm because she didn't want Buffy to get sidetracked into an entirely different guilt trip. "Giles quit as your Watcher, went back to England and opened a leather goods shop. Xander told you he never wanted to see you again, broke into his uncle Rory's taxidermy store and spelled out 'I hate Buffy Summers' on the football field in moose heads. Faith came to the hospital because she and Cordelia are secretly lovers, not because she still wants to be your friend and was trying to be there for you, and your best friend is spending the night racing monster trucks, not telling you she loves you and she wishes you wouldn't get so upset." "Oh." Buffy, finally getting it, couldn't hide a smile. "Did she win?" "No, because she remembered that none of that actually happened and that your friends are going to love and support you, always, no matter what. You know," Willow went on, "I remember somebody in this room giving me a speech about how friends forgive friends and if people love you you're not bad, and I think she was right." "Well, if you think so, then I guess she was." Buffy liked being able to smile again. "Faith and Cordy??" she asked, incredulous. "I was sort of going for the silly," Willow explained. "Although, uh, you probably do know someone who is, or, uh, at least, uh, thinks about it, 'cause people are going to think, even about things they don't think they should think, and sometimes trying not think about something makes you keep thinking about it, a lot. Well, maybe, I don't really know, or anything." Buffy, a little alarmed that Willow had come so close to guessing the secret she was trying so hard to keep, quickly returned the conversation to the previous subject. "So I'm not going to lose my friends? Good to know, but shouldn't I still be worried about screwing up? Because the people that die, they're still dead, unless my mom buys another zombie mask or something." "Buffy," Willow said, disapprovingly, "of course you should try to do things right. But you learn from your mistakes, too, and that makes you stronger and better. You are so so much better at the slaying now than when I met you." "Huh!" Buffy said. "I'm just glad you didn't see me in LA; I really didn't know which end of the stake went in the vamp." "And the whole Angel thing, skipping all the guilt, you really did well. I mean, the Master killed you, but Angel, you killed him, even with him getting his soul back. Much better with the world-saving. A-plus save-age." "I still should have killed him before," Buffy insisted. "Don't want to drown in the guilt-pool again, but I should have." "Buffy, trust yourself," Willow said, feeling stronger because Buffy was. "You told Angel, 'give me time'and that's what you needed. Okay, you didn't instantly kill the guy you loved, no big shock. Like, if I'd been the Slayer I'd have had to hope Angel could be beaten by me hiding in a corner and crying, 'cause that's all I could have done, then. Yeah, you were hurtbut you were brave and strong and, yes, you needed time, but, come on, look what you did with it. You went from 'I can't kill Angelus' to 'I can kill Angel', and you saved the world again, and it may not be a big deal to you, but there are a lot of not-dead people on this bed who are pretty impressed by it, let me tell you." Willow paused for a second. "Okay, it's only me who's actually on the bed&" "Good enough," Buffy said, taking the redhead's hand and smiling. She really did feel much better; it was the first time in ages she had been able to think about the past without being crushed by the guilt. Willow, wonderful, beautiful Willowstop that!had done that for her. "FYI," the relieved girl continued, "your slayage would kick some serious butt." "Oh, sure, the big evil things would be helpless before my free-form babble." "Hey, whatever works," Buffy offered. "Learning curve, right?" "Yup. I mean, I hope this never happens, but if Angel was evil again, I don't think there'd be any problem." "Uh-huh," Buffy affirmed, confident and a little scared by the knowledge. "I'd dust him before he could say 'boo!'" "Well," Willow pointed out, "I actually meant I could just curse him again, but it's good to see you're all strong." "Oh, right," the shamefaced slayer acknowledged. "You're all prepared now, huh?" Willow nodded. "Got an Orb of Thesulah in my desk, and one in my locker at school. In fact, you want to go look Angel up right now, you could probably, uh, 'take one vampire and call me in the morning.' " "Whoa!" Buffy exclaimed, dropping the hacker's hand. "Dirty-Talking Willow, definitely not ready for that one." "Well, uh, I like to keep my raunchy self a secret, 'cause she doesn't, uh, actually exist or anything." "I don't know, that was pretty convincing, you love machine, you." Be careful, Buffy reminded herself. She paused before asking: "Will, you couldn't really be sure you could curse Angel again, could you?" The wicca hung her head, ashamed. "No, I shouldn't have joked about that. I keep saying how easy doing the curse was, and I did get it on the first try, but part of the time I was having my head spin and talking in Rumanian, so it probably wasn't all me, 'cause I usually don't do that. I mean, I felt this power go through me; I don't really know that I can make it do what I want." Buffy nodded, sadly. "And Angel was a big, famous vampire for so long, they probably tried cursing him for a while and it took a lot of work to get the curse just right, so if you mess with it" "Yeah," Willow agreed, "probably new and even badder badness. That's, uh, why I haven't tried to give him a curse where he can't lose his soul or anything. I'm sorry." Buffy saw the tears forming in her she-didn't-want-to-think-exactly-what's eyes and took Willow in her arms. "Will, don't cry, it's not your fault. Even if you had some way to make Angel's soul permanent, I don't think we could ever go back to the way it was; that's gone, and I just have to get used to it." "But, but I thought," Willow said, still misty, "I thought if you weren't all guilted and worry-y, you could be happy with Angel again. I, I want you to be happy, Buffy, I really do. I mean, you love him, right?" "I do, Will," Buffy admitted, "I love him so much. I try to stop, but I can't; I killed him and that didn't make it stop. I wish I could forget him or even hate him, heck, I wish I wished he was dead" The blonde girl stopped short, and pulled away a bit. " 'I wish I wished he was dead'," Buffy quoted. "How messed up is that? But I do, I really want to just feel some clean, simple emotion about Angel, instead of it all being tangled up in memories and pain and things I said and everything. I want to think of Angel and not think of Jenny or what I could have done or whether we could make love again and not trigger the curse because he'd have to be nervous this timeright? and not 'truly happy'. Or not worry that I might accidentally trigger it with a hug at the right moment, not even sex. Or wonder if he actually went evil right when we started to make lovebecause I was pretty happy right thenand if I really was doing it with Angelus" she saw the contortion on Willow's face and broke off. "You see?" Buffy went on, "I've got tons of these, a lot of them worse than that. And it doesn't matter that you could argue me out of all of them, or that I don't feel so hugely guilty any more. Which I don't, Will, really, thank you. But it's all still there, a big messy ball of mess. And it'll always be there, it's never going to be like it was. What I want, it's gone. I, I'm never going to look at Angel and just see the boy I love." Buffy was crying now. "Never&" Willow took Buffy in her arms and held her tight. She could feel the slayer's heartache and her own heart ached even more because this time she didn't know what she could do. "Maybe," Willow ventured, "maybe with time&" "No," Buffy said, "you don't understand; it keeps getting worse. We're so tense around each other now, like we're rubber bands pulled tight and the slightest thing makes us snap. Like the candle: stupid, yes, insensitive, but do I talk to Angel, even yell at him? No, I just go and beat my boyfriend bloody, and now I'll always remember that , and it's even worse" Buffy realized Willow had pulled away from her and seemed far too confused. "I don'tyou HIT Angel?" "Yes, because of the candle, I just" "Candle? The candle on Ms. Calendar's grave, do you mean?" "Uh-huh, went completely mental and" "But what does that have to do with Angel?" the redhead asked, thoroughly flummoxed. "Well, he put it there," Buffy said, not getting what Willow wasn't getting. "No, he didn't," Willow said, wondering how Buffy had gotten so mixed up. "It was Ethan, wasn't it?" "Ethan?" Buffy repeated, feeling the room spin. "Ethan Rayne?" "Wasn't it? I mean, I always thought it was Ethan, because he hates Giles and wants to hurt him, because Giles turned his back on him and the black magic thing and went all Watcher-y-er-than-thou, even though Giles was the ringleader and started that whole Eyghon thing." "Ethan Rayne," Buffy said, numb. "Not Angel." "Right, and Eyghon was killing all of their old group and coming for Ethan and it ended up in Ms. Calendar's body, and Ethan probably felt that was like payback and Giles deserved it, but then she gets saved by Angel, and that probably made Ethan angry, so now that Angel killed Ms. Calendar, he's tauntingand taunting is so Ethanhe's taunting Giles about the irony since Ms. Calendar's 'knight in shining fangs' or whatever ended up being the one to kill her, after all that." It was soul-shattering. Buffy had read that phrase once and thought it stupid, but now she knew exactly how it felt. She felt as though her body had just crumbled into a million pieces, and yet she couldn't move, couldn't cry, could barely speak. "I didn't even ask him," she said, sounding like someone who's been shot and can't believe it. "I didn't say anything, I just hit him. He didn't know why" she remembered vomiting that night and fought the urge to do it again "he still doesn't know&and now I'm acting like 'we both made mistakes, let's forget it, don't mention it', and he doesn't know what it was about." "B-Buffy?" Willow mouthed, horrified at the reaction she had caused. "He was so quietwhen Spike was teasing us about still being in love. He must think I'm nuts: I love him, I say we're not just friends, and I attack him for no reason. Loony-Slayer, that's me." "No, Buffy, don't. I must have made a mistake, it probably was Angel, you did the right thing." "No, I blew it again. Why am I not surprised?" "No, you were right, I'm sure," Willow insisted, trying to will herself to being sure. "But why, why would Angel taunt Giles?" "It wasn't taunting, it wasI mean I thought it wasan apology, stupid because nothing's going to make up for it and he shouldn't hurt Giles by trying, but that's what I thought it was." "Oh, I never thought of that, I just went right to Ethan," Willow said. "But yours sounds good, because, becauseI know!the candle is like way too subtle for Ethan, he'd have left a big black wreath saying 'R.I.P., Ripper", or somethingooh!he'd have left a box of band candy, to connect it to something he did, not Angel, and the note would've said "Moved on already?" "No," Buffy admitted, not sure she wanted to hope, "Ethan Rayne not subtle." "Right, plus he'd probably have, like, been there to gloat. He's Gloater Guy, a real gloat-a-holic, that's him. Oh, and why would Ethan wait nine months to do it? But Angel was in hell all summer and then he had to get his strength back, right?" "Yes," Buffy said, realizing that Giles certainly must have blamed Angel, or he wouldn't have blamed her . "Buffy, what is it?" Willow asked, upset because she saw that the slayer was crying again. "Isn't this good news?" "Uh-huh," Buffy said, a slight hysteria creeping into her tone, "good news, that's what it is! I'm happy I was right, I'm happy Angel hurt Giles, happy I had a reason to hit&" She trailed off choking, then came back with a spurt. "Big, huge, sicko happys for Buffy! Why, Will? Why am I so messed up? Why can't I just love Angel the way I love you?" Willow blinked several times. I said it, Buffy thought, panicking. Why did I do that? What happened to staying in control? Willow blinked once more and then replied with calm certainty. "That's not the same thing, Buffy. What we have is 'best friend love' with talking and support and telling each other all the scary things we think about, but what Angel and you have is 'boyfriend love', with the kissing and sex and desire and you can't live without him and you think about him all the time and if you could only pick one person to be on the planet with you it'd be him, forever. You don't love me that way." Control. "No," Buffy had never had it. Not about the important things. "you don't understand." Even though she knew she shouldn't, she couldn't control her feelings, the feelings she had so long denied were going to come out. So she looked into those beautiful, bewitching green eyes, and felt like she was falling into the abyss, and said the seven biggest words of her life. "I do love you that way, Willow."
(to be continued in "Too Many Consonants" )
[Author's note: when I realized that Ethan Rayne was going to be mentioned in this section, I wrote the following piece, another "talking about gay thoughts/crossed wires" bit. But as it turned out, by the time Ethan comes up, it's too close to the end and emotions are running too high for us to take a side trip with this part of the conversation, so I cut it. But I thought you might like to see the "deleted scene", anyway (yeah, this is like the DVD version of the fic, I guess)] "Um, Will, why do you keep calling him 'Ethan' like that?" "I dunno, 'Mr. Rayne' seems kind of formal. And besides, he is kind of cute" "Cute??" Buffy goggled. Great, Willow's so straight she's even got a crush on him . "Well, um, yeah," Willow admitted, "if you can get past his being old and evil and crazy and, I think, gay." "Gay?" Buffy's eyes widened. "Will, you don't think he and, and Giles" "No, no, absolutely not! Not Giles !" the redhead insisted, "But maybe it's one of those unrequited crush things, you know where a, a, a gay&person&has feelings for one of their friends, even though the friend is obviously straightso straight that they're in love with another straight personand the, uh, gay person can't stop loving their friend even though they know there's no chance, and that sort of thing could make a gia person go a little crazy, cause you'd feel like you're being eaten up from the inside out, and it's never going to stop, but you can't leave the, uh, person, because you love them so much. Something like that, I guess." "Oh, yeah," Buffy sighed. "Yeah, um, uh, that's what I read, anyhow," Willow suddenly realized she probably had said too much, and tried to cover. Thank goodness Buffy looked like she was off in her own world and not really paying attention. "Yeah, read it, that's what I did. Reading good." "Well, I thought so," Buffy replied, suddenly worried that Willow was looking at her and concerned that she might be showing something on her face. "That's how I knew it was true, because you do such good research. Research Girl, that's you." Willow felt ill. |