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Title:
Straight Through the Heart [8/?]
Author: Dan Spector Pairings: B/W, F/C Rating: R (this chapter: f/f feelings climax, angst remains, sexual discussion) Summary: After "Lovers Walk" one slayer comforts a heartbroken Willow, while the other heals an injured Cordeliaa familiar story, I'm sure. This Chapter: What will Willow say? Spoilers: Everything through "Lovers Walk". Not many key eps this time, only "Welcome to the Hellmouth" and, vaguely, "Prophecy Girl". Also, Buffy mentions a fact which isn't revealed on-air until "The Zeppo", but which has nothing to do with that episode, and Willow paraphrases her famous line from "The Yoko Factor". Disclaimer: Hey, I've got an ego, but I'm not so far gone as to claim I created or own the characters. You want Joss Whedon (and various corporate buddies of his). Archiving: And let's welcome ski woofe to the team, joining Misty and Faithtastic! See what impressive company you'll be in if you decide to archive me? And all you have to do is ask. Feedback: Buffy and Willow make magic. So does feedback (except flames), so send it to danspector@xxxxxxxxx or the lists. Dedication: This one goes out Marcia Shulman, who's credited with the original casting for the series. As many of you know, the part of Willow was played by another actress in the unshown pilot, so I though this would be a good time to thank Marcia and Joss for correcting their mistake and giving us the wonder that is Aly Hannigan.
Chapter 8: Too Many Consonants
And then there was silence. No words, not the slightest sound. The silence might have lasted as long as three seconds. To Buffy, it was an eternity. She sat facing Willow, her thin lips slightly pursed, as if the words she had just spoken ("I do love you that way, Willow") were fluttering in the air and she was trying to gently blow them across the space between the girls so that the redhead might receive, understand, and accept them. Or maybe so she could take a deep breath and suck the words right back down her throat, she wasn't sure. Buffy's hands hovered above her jean-clad thighs, the tips of her slender fingers pressing into her quadriceps muscles like sprinters in the blocks, ready to shoot forward and embrace the only person in the world she couldn't live without. But the foot that was softly scratching against the floor seemed more ready to dig in and hastily propel the Slayer away from the mess she had almost certainly made of her life. no, I'm not going to run Piercing hazel eyes stared at Willow's face, as Buffy tried to hide her nervousness and figure out what was going to happen. she's so quiet The hazel eyes looked into Willow's wide green orbs, which seemed to be trying to solve a problem that wouldn't compute& quiet's better than screaming, I guess. Maybe she even, could sheno, don't be stupid Buffy's eyes traveled down, past the alabaster cheeks now flushed red, to the pixie nose whose nostrils were dilating, as if all that was needed was more oxygen, to the luscious red lips that trembled slightly below. please don't hate me, Will, I couldn't stand it if I lost you. Just tell me we can still be friends, and just forget these stupid feelings of mine Willow's round jaw moved forward, then back. She didn't seem to be stopping herself from saying something, more like she had started to talk and didn't have any words. no, that's selfish. You can hate me, Will, do whatever you have to do, I just don't want to hurt you. Just be all right, WillGod, I love you so muchSTOP THAT NOW, you idiot ! "But, but," Willow began, clearly confused. a joke! Tell her it was all a joke! Quickly, nowbut what if she "But you love Angel," Willow said. oh "You've always loved Angel; I know you do," the redhead said, her hands nervously clasping each other in her lap. "You just said so! You weren't lying, were you?" no, but "Buffy, are you lying to me?" Willow finished quietly, no longer talking about Angel, although Buffy didn't get that. Okay, Buffy thought, this can be fixed. I'll just be calm and let her know she doesn't have to worry, and then I'll get out of here, before I open my big mouth again. She felt her nose twitch and fought back an urge to sniffle. "No, I wasn't lying, Will; I'll always care about Angel." Oddly, Willow seemed to sag a bit, and then Buffy, to her horror, lost all control again. "but I love you, I really do, and not 'best friend love', either, the other kind. I love touching you and holding you and just being near you and I really want to kiss you right now, but don't worry, I won't" Willow's lips parted slightly and she looked like she was going to say something, so Buffy, panicking, sped up. "And I really can't live without you, I only go away because I don't want to hurt youI mean I'll go away now if that's what you want me to do, I just want what's best for youbut I never want to be without you, that's why I keep coming back." Willow had stiffened, almost in shock, but Buffy kept going. "And I'm always thinking about you," the blonde continued, telling secrets she hadn't realized were secrets, things she had simply thought of as part of her life until now, when she was just realizing what they meant. "I think about you every night and I wonder if you're okay and what I can do for you. And then I think how glad I am to know you and I go to sleep happy. And when I wake up in the morning, I think about when I'll get to see you and I can hardly wait. And sometimes when we're apart, I just imagine where you are and what you're doingthat kept me sane while I was in LA. But I don't do that when I'm patrolling because it almost got me killed a couple of times, so now I just tell myself to concentrate and finish up and then I can tell you all about it. "And, absolutely, if I could keep just one person on the planet with me, I'd keep you and not Angel, and I think I knew this even before I killed him for hurting you. I'm drawn to Angel, but I-I'm&bound to you." Buffy sat back slightly, feeling like she had just finished an exam. But Willow was still rigid with shock, so Buffy continued: "So that's everything you said about 'boyfriend love' and I feel that way even though I'm not a boy and can't be your boyfriend. Oz is your boyfriendand I know he'll come back, you shouldn't worryOz's a great guy and he's in a band, which seems important to you. And even when you had something that was just physical, you did it with Xander, who's also a boy, so you like boys, I get that, and I'm not, so I'll just go." Buffy rose, fully panicked, starting to cry, and headed for the door. "I know you don't feel the same way I do, so I'm going, but not leaving, I promised I wouldn't leave, I'm just leaving the room, and, uh, your house, but I'll be at my house and you know where my house is, so I haven't really left. And I hope you can forgive me, I still want to be your friend, and normally I'd say 'shutting up now' butlook!door, so never mind." Buffy reached for the doorknob, couldn't grab it because her hand was shaking, forced herself to stiffen, which made her cry harder, grabbed the knob firmly, twisted it, pulled the door inwards, started to step into the hall, and "Buffy!" Willow cried, sitting firmly erect now, her arms at her sides as if magnetized to the bed. She spoke with a desperate rush. "Buffypleasedon'tleavemeIdon'twantyoutogoIfeelthesamewayyoudoreallyIdopleasestay." Buffy gave a small laugh and turned back to face her friend, smiling but with the tears still flowing. "It's all right, Will; I understand," Buffy said. "I'll be okay; you don't have to lie ." "Not Lying!" came the instantaneous, almost spasmodic reply. Buffy stopped crying, now a little surprised, but not daring to hope. Willow willed herself to concentrate, ducking her head, balling her fists, closing her eyes, scrunching her nose and furrowing her brow. Then she slowly raised her head, forced herself to speak slowly&softly&and evenly. "I'm not lying, I do feel that way, and we need to talk. Could you shut the door and come here, please, Buffy, because I don't want to yell and I'd go to you, but I don't think my legs can move." Buffy nodded, a quick little bob of her pert chin. She stepped back into the room and effortlessly closed the door, then crossed to the bed taking small cautious steps, almost as if she was afraid she was walking into a trap. But whereas on patrol her eyes would constantly be sweeping the area, here they were firmly fixed on the woman she loved. Her dream was coming true, her deepest unacknowledged dream, and now she didn't know what would happen, so she kept her eyes on Willow, rather foolishly worried that the redhead would vanish in a sudden blink of magic or something. Willow watched every step of Buffy's progress to her bed, like she was watching a parachutist to make sure they were safely on the ground. Once Buffy was seated, Willow waited for a second, looked the blonde squarely in her awestruck eyes, and repeated, clearly and sincerely: "I feel the same way, Buffy. I really do." "Wow," Buffy said, a small smile growing on her lips and her eyelashes batting almost shyly. "I mean, Wow. You mean you, you " she really couldn't conceive of it "about me, with the, um, sexy thoughts, even?" "Um, more than anyone, but I don't really have, like sex thoughts, because I haven't, um, had sex," Willow said, ducking her head and blushing. "Well, not with someone else," Buffy said, embarassed herself, "but you've, uh, you know&" she concluded, using a vague hand gesture that looked more like a cop directing traffic than anything else. Willow blushed deeper than her hair color and practically buried the point of her chin in her breastbone. "Or¬?" Buffy said, shocked, briefly covering her mouth with her left hand because she was embarassed to have embarassed Willow. "Not even once&?" "N-no," Willow said a very, very small voice. "Sometimes&in the shower&it feels good, but never the whole 'thing' thingI mean, I'm pretty sure there's more 'thing'because it didn't seem right, not exactly, and also since the drought we're supposed to conserve water&" "Oh." Buffy said, her own mouth forming an "o". "So, um, if you don't think, um, sex-wise, how do you know" "That I love you?" Willow finished, raising her head quickly, because she had the answer to this one and wanted to be sure Buffy finally understood. "I just feel it, in every part of me; it isn't even really a question. It's like what you said with wanting to be near someone and hurting when you're apart. I've felt that with Xander and with Oz, but most of allway, way, most of allwith you. "I mean," Willow went on, sliding closer to Buffy on the bed and leaning forward a bit, her lips now dancing with clarity and sureness as she said the words she'd waited so long to say, "you weren't much with the noticing, but even though I was all 'my boyfriend is in a band!' I mostly never went to see them practice; I wanted to be with you. And we always studied together, even though Oz is repeating senior year, so he's already had the classes, which'd be useful, but between 'useful' and 'Buffy', I always was picking 'Buffy'." Buffy smiled widely, too happy to be ashamed. "I never got that; I was so 'it's great to be with Willow', I never got around to 'why is Willow with me?' " Willow reached out and gently took Buffy's left hand in her right. "Because I love you," she said and the two girls smiled at each other, before Willow suddenly dropped Buffy's hand and leapt to her feet. "Oh, yeah!!" the hacker gushed, jumping up and down repeatedly, literally for joy. "I'm saying it! I'm actually saying it!! And not to the mirror, either!" she noted, flailing her left arm in the direction of the object in question. Buffy watched in glowing bliss as her girlfriend capered over to the mirror. Well, actually she watched those sassy hips of Willow's bounce from side to side. The redheaded girl struck a pose, facing the mirror, her left hand on her hip, her right splayed just beneath her breasts, her back arched, her head thrown back. "I'm sorry to do this, Mirror" Willow said, addressing the object with a sultry stare, as she took the index finger of her right hand and slowly traced up her breastbone and then her throat, "but you're just going to have to find another mirror, or something; I don't need you any more. That's BUFFY!!" she yelped, breaking character and bursting into an enormous grin as she pointed out the enraptured slayer on the bed. "I lovelovelove Buffy!" Willow trilled as she raced back to the bed and dove onto it, intoxicated with the moment. Then she poked up her head and explained, "I've kind of been thinking about this for a while. Pretty big while, really." "Hmm, getting that. And I love you, too, you goof," Buffy smirked. Then she felt another wave of shyness. "I just can't believe you love me." Willow snorted slightly as she pulled herself up to sit Indian-style. "You know, you're really good with the compliment-fishing-for. Or you're just teasing me. Are you teasing me?" "No tease, Will, I swear. I'm just really amazed; I never thought you could really love me." Willow, equally stunned by Buffy's blind spot, looked her in the eyes and explained the basic truth of the redhead's universe. "Buffy, you are everything I could ever want, and I'm not even talking about your being smart and beautiful, and, oh yeah, saving my life like two gazillion times. Like, Oz is sweet and he's got that strong silent thing and he's really cool and not just because he's in a band. And Xander is funny and really brave and he knows me so well that he always makes me feel safe and comfortable. But you, you're all of that. like, squared, or even cubed," Willow said, partially aware that math wasn't quite the language of love, but kind of stuck. "Except you don't play an instrument," she noted, wearing the world's most phoniest fake pout. "Hmmm," Buffy purred, bringing her forehead close to the wiccan's, "I wonder if Xander's still got that famous flugelhorn&" "Ugh!" Willow recoiled, vigorously shaking her head "no!" and waving her arms like a deranged umpire compulsively giving the "safe" sign over and over. "No way! I kind of wish the Hellmouth would open againI mean, not in a 'Buffy's in horrible, evil, danger'-y way or anything" she broke off, concerned, but Buffy, knowing what she meant, waved that away, so Willow continued, "but just so I could throw that&thing into it! Demon Horn! Ugh!" she repeated, for emphasis. "Oh, all right," Buffy said, her arm langourously describing an arc on the sheets, "I'll just have to make music some other way," she cooed, her hand now wandering slowly towards Willow's pant leg. "Seriously, Buffy," the redhead said, her eyes somewhat transfixed by the approaching hand, "I always knew that I wanted to be with you, even before I could admit it was an "I love Buffy" thing." She pried her eyes away from Buffy's hand and slowly looked up, past the slayer's pantherish body and into her eyes, and Buffy, noticing this, stopped moving her hand and stared passionately back into those enchanting green eyes, which seemed to burn with an inner fire. "When I'd think about the future, I'd never think I was going to marry some boy or anything like that; all I thought about was you and me, sharing a room at college and then grad school and then straight on into little old ladyhood. That's all I want: you and me, together forever." And Buffy knew that it was true. Buffy felt touched, and ecstatic, and maybe a little terrified. But she knew this was a moment for her to be the Big, Bad, Slayer and take charge, so she did. "I can do that, Willow," Buffy said, leaning towards her beloved as the girls drew together for what they knew would be their first real kiss. "Forever&starts now." *************************************************************** And then there was a Kiss. A soft, gentle kiss, almost like a handshake; Willow-lips meeting Buffy-lips and getting to know them, noses becoming used to sharing adjacent oxygen, bodies learning to feel each other's presence and heat. After a short time, Buffy broke the kiss, not wanting to rush the less-experienced girl. She drew back and looked at Willow, her eyes still closed, an _expression_ of perfect contentment on the redhead's face, and Buffy lost her heart all over again. "How was that?" Buffy breathed, knowing the answer. "Weird," Willow sighed. "Weird?" Buffy asked, eyebrows arching up. She hadn't expected that answer. Willow slitted her eyes with an effort, reluctantly returning from the heaven she'd been in. "Not bad weird," she explained, "good weird, wonderful weirdthe perfect weird. I just can't believe we're doing this, I'm kissing Buffy, I'm kissing you&" "Weird, all right," Buffy, now understanding, agreed. "But since we're going to be in love forever, we'll have to get used to it." "Wellll, if I have to&" Willow teased sulkily. "I guess we should practice," Buffy vamped, batting her lashes in her most come-hither way. "Practice good," Willow agreed, going thither. "Practice very good." Their lips met again, with greater passion, bonding firmly and hungrily. Buffy's hands gently oscillated up and down Willow's sides and the hacker trolled a palm across the slayer's back. Buffy moved away a quarter-inch, wanting a better angle from which to capture her partner's lower lip, but Willow took advantage of the break to pull back and look again into those probing hazel eyes. "I should have known it was you from the beginning," Willow said. "Do you remember what I told you the first time, about me and boys and talking?" "Boys? And you?" the slayer said, struggling for clarity. "Oh, you mean you said that when you were with a boy you liked you couldn't talk, you could only make some vowel sounds and then you had to go away." "Right," Willow nodded. "But with you, even though I had the same sort of feelings, I didn't have to go away, And I could talk, babble even. And with the whole words, too. Including consonants, lots of consonants, whole dictionaries full of consonants, even the consonants in 'dictionaries', and" Buffy loved Willow-babble, but not right now. So she drew her right hand up and gently laid the index finger across Willow's deliciously soft lips, silencing her true love for the moment. "Shh. Too many consonants," Buffy whispered. She closed her eyes to revel in Willow's proximity and the wonder of their love. But her eyes flew open again, instantly, as fast as a window shade flying up, as Buffy suddenly realized that her angel-with-a-devil's-heart had captured that finger with those lips and was sucking it in a way that had set Buffy's every nerve ending on fire. Buffy thrilled to the sensation and felt herself go moist between her legs. Willow, Willow is making me moist, Buffy thought with what little consciousness remained in her brainand, at that thought, Buffy went positively wet. She withdrew her finger from lips that only grudgingly released it, and swiftly replaced it with her tongue. Much happiness ensued. (to be continued in "A Whole Lot of 'Er' " ) [Author's note: No, not that! That's "um", not "er"! Geez, some people&] |