End of the Month State of the Gutter Report - August 2001

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; The United Vegetable Empire; and all other
interested parties.
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter Report - August 2001

Greetings all, once again we gather to refresh our memories on what exactly
happened last month and why Interpol is just "itching" to have a few words
with some of our more "enterprising" gutter and woods outback members. As
well as get our collective stories straight on just where the were-badger
was and why he couldn't possible have been messing around with those
Catholic Girl School cheerleaders last week when in fact he was with the
dark slayer and the cheerleader racing up and down the gutter chasing
Riley-shippers on his Harley. Now on to business!

Item 1:
Regarding the miss use of the Gutter Fire hoses by certain unnamed Gutter
dwellers. I don't care how hot it is you can't go around hosing down every
Slayer, cheerleader, hacker, Wicca, ex-demon, and/or former rats {who have
finally been be-ratted!} just because you think they need it. We do have
air conditioning and we have paid the light bill... although the breaker box
keeps being tripped for some bizarre reason or other. :: Gives the Dread
Parrot a hard look. ::

Item 2:
The Office of Gutter Safety would like to send its condolences to the United
Vegetable Empire regarding the recent explosion at the West Sunnydale
Broccoli factory that resulted in over 400 steaming deaths. We would also
like to take this time to disavow all knowledge of the thieved of 45 pounds
cheese and we certainly know nothing about the flyers advertising a picnic
in the park during the American Labour Day holiday where broccoli and cheese
are going to be served.

Item 3:
The Office of the Gutter Torturer and Interrogator is located in the
basement just past the dungeon down that dark dank hallway with the leaky
water pipe that dips all the time and we can't seem to get fixed. The
Official Gutter Torturer/Interrogator/Amway salesman Ejector is our very own
Trizdel the silver-tongued wolf who is actively courting our beloved listmum
on the BuffywantsWillow list. He's a pretty quiet fellow but is highly
skilled in his appointed office as the gopher can attest too after a slight
misunderstanding that involved a bucket of water, dawn dish washing liquid
and a fresh lemony scent. Er... Bill have you got that scent out of your
fur yet?

Item 4:
Regarding the evils of spree.com... so far two websites are in the process
of being moved to new servers due to spree's decision to close down their
web hosting services. At the moment Bill's site and the Hand of Chaos' site
is in the process of being moved and such... so please bare with us a bit as
those two web masters get their stuff moved and what not. {Ok so this has
nothing to do with the Gutter Report but I thought I would mention it, since
a lot of my stuff is posted on both sites.}

Item 5:
Regarding the United Bleached Blonde Vampires Lovers and Bill Idol
Impersonators Association's request to hold a rally for the return of the
Blonde Wonder to the title of the Great Big Bad. The Office of Gutter
Safety sees no problem with holding such a rally and are more then willing
to throw in a few Riley-shippers for the Spike Charity Torture Contest to
raise money for the Sunnydale Home of Wayward Poetics and Poof Haters. Also
there will be a collection taken for the "Buy Harmony a Clue" fund...
although we are still unsure if she would know what to do with the clue once
she has it, we are not going to give up on such a worthy cause.

Item 6:
In the lines of fund rising, the "Make Angel's soul permanent because
without it he's makes Dru seem SANE" society has run into yet another
stumbling block in their never ending quest to keep that boy sane if not
less broody. They are going to have to scrap their plans to sell logo pins
at the Gutter Labour Day Block Party and Picnic. It seems they can't get
the name of their organization to fit on the little lapel button. Although
they have great hopes of they upcoming "Get Brood-boy to Smile Contest"
being held later this month, the winner will get either a naked frisky
slayer and/or vampire tossed at them depending on their preferences.

Item 7:
Regarding the continued miss use of the Gutter Fax machine to send love
letters to the Amazon Bard. For the last time... the Amazons don't have a
fax machine and they certainly can't read English! For the love of the
gods... please cease and desist all ready! The Amazons have lots of sharp
pointy objects and are still a bit unsure of the residence of the Woods
Outback after that little incident in their communal bathhouse. Further
more we don't need a homicidal Warrior Princess with a very sharp charkrm
looking for the soon-to-be-VERY-dead man that keeps sending HER bard love
letters. Xena has not grasped the concept of "fan letters", if it is
looking at her bard without permission it needs to die is her motto.

Item 8:
Regarding the annual Freshmen Panty Raid.... bail money and alibis are on
standby for all participates of the time-honoured event. Just stay away
from the Amazon village this time... the village is NO WHERE near University
and they will take prisoners. And furthermore, Quin absolutely refuses to
do the "surrender dance" AGAIN to get captive Gutter and Woods Outback
dwellers back... last year was bad enough when they made him dance in the
kilt. Quin is Austrian not Scots... and he really didn't appreciate the
Koala taking all those pictures and trying to black mail him into forgetting
about the little Hover Tank parked in the middle of the foyer of City Hall
incident.

Item 9:
"Hey Red... look at this," Spike said grinning goofily as he jumped over the
back of the sofa to land beside the hacker reading a large leather bond
book. "They're having a shagging contest this weekend... I didn't know they
had those sorts of things." He said in an excited voice his eyes shining
wickedly. "Wha' say we enter it and blow them all out of the water... bet I
can make you scream the loudest." He went on in a bright hopeful voice.

"Er... Spike... I don't think it's that kind of shagging," Willow said after
a moment turning beet red as the meaning of his words sink in.

"What! It's shagging... you know the deed!" he defended enjoying her
discomfort, he always did like making his Red blush.

"Spike! Its not that kind of shagging!" Willow growled at him, her face
almost the same shade as her hair.

"What... look Red just because the Mutt didn't do it right doesn't mean
there is another kind of shagging."

He was kept from continuing by a hand over his mouth, "Spike... listen to
me... they are not talking about sex. That is just... just 'eww'... it is
in a public place you know!"

"Well what are they talking about then?" the vampire demanded pulling away
from the hand over his mouth, 'no talking about sex... well what does she
think shagging is?' he thought to himself, 'I swear I'm going have to kill
that mutt for putting strange thoughts into her head.'

"Spike... it's a DANCE!," Willow said losing her patients with the hyper
active vampire sitting beside her.

Spike just looked at her for a long moment his jaw slack and eyes wide,
"Why... why... that is just sick! And evil... getting a bloke's hopes up
like that!" he said in an outraged voice, "I'm going to get the Poof and
Slayer... we'll kill the evil bastards for this... messing with a vampire's
weekend like that." He grumbled taking his paper back and pouting.

End snippet.

Item 10:
Snippet note... and the really strange part is... there really is a dance
called the "shag" in the American South... talk about confusing the hell out
the tourists. :: insert big evil grin here ::

We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics... that is all.


Shadow --
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy
Bear and Flying Fox {Fruit Bat} of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and
Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of
Quindolyn. Founding Member of the Get Willow and Buffy Naked Society.
{GWBN -- Hey, its a way of life.} Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to
Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the
Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably
Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA} :[

AIM Screen Name: ShadowDrake
Yahoo Name: drakesshadow
MSN Messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}
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