End of the Month State of the Gutter Report for Sepetember and October 2001

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; The United Vegetable Empire; and all other
interested parties.
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
September and October 2001

Yes boys and girls it's that time of month once again, when we all gather to
learn just why Interpol and those other Law Enforcement Organizations are
looking for us. Now that things have had time to return to normal...well as
normal as it gets around here anyway. It is time to regroup and reaffirm
what is important around here, namely Mischief making and Mayhem spreading.
Now on to business... we've had two very interesting months behind us.

Item 1:
Regarding the call for the Gutter and Woods Outback Militia to retake the
'Homeland' from the evil corporate raiders trying to build a mini-mall.
First off we don't have a 'Homeland' - the Gutter Proper and Woods Outback
is a worldwide habitat, which explains the multi-cultural diversity we are
all so proud of. And second the area in question belongs to the Amazons...
it is their training field and they aren't about to let a mini-mall be built
there regardless of the promise to build an all Xena/Amazon video store.

Item 2:
Regarding the minor incident involving the vampire fruit bats - or one
little bat in particular - and a handful of vampire tomatoes that resulted
in a food fight in the Summer Family kitchen. I would like to take this
time to blame the damn vampire tomatoes... they are the one that dumped ME
into a vat of garlic... which really has no effect on me to begin with but
still it was the whole principal of the matter. Anyway I was well justified
in using the binder to get rid of the little buggers.... It wasn't my fault
I couldn't find the lid to the damn thing... and sort of sprayed tomato
juice all over the kitchen. I was fighting for my life!

Item 3:
Regarding frisky were-cats named Willow, who has a tendency to pounce on
Slayer-shaped catnip named Buffy. Yes we are aware that 'someone' is
handing out 'Essence of Slayer' and doing their level best to confuse the
aforementioned cat. For the last time the cat does not need anyone's help
in pouncing on her mate and getting her naked... and she certainly doesn't
need a video tape record of the event.

Item 4:
Demonic Cabbages in petty coats.... I'm not even going to TRY to figure that
one out... and am going to direct all queries to Tater - those are her
demonic cabbages and she should have SOME idea what they are up to.

Item 5:
Regarding last night's full moon. No I don't know why a giant were-koala
was howling at the Warrior Princess' monument. Nor do I plan to ask...
that was by far the tamest thing he did all night. However I will ask him
why he was sited running semi-naked through Lowell Hall clad only in a
Dracula cape screaming; "Bring me the Iowa Moron... or a redheaded hacker."

Item 6:
Regarding the feeding of Iowa moron hayseeds with delusions of commando-hood
to sharks off the California coast. That just has to stop... I cannot
condone the possible food poisoning of sharks! That is just a cruel thing
to do... and I don't care how many times you all want to recreate key scenes
from any of the "Jaws" movies.... leave the poor sharks alone!

Item 7:
On a side note to whoever tied a string around an unnamed vampire flying fox
and tethered one end to the ceiling so she would continually fly in circles.
The culprit will be found and tickled with large feathers - just want and
see you'll get yours - and effective immediately the use of dog whistles
around the vampire fruit bats is strictly prohibited... I still got the damn
headache from that damn whistle.

Item 8:
Why is there a door-size poster with the caption "Gophers do it with I-Max"
on the copy room door?? Or is this one of these things that is only going
to make me want to have 'another' long talk with certain unnamed silent
panicky gophers???

Item 9:
Will the owner of the 1945 vintage Harley please get it off of Quin's desk
in the Office of Gutter Security... it is parked on his stapler.

Item 10:
Under no circumstances will Wet Noodle Launchers be issued to the general
Gutter and Woods Outback populace to fire at the 'dirty rotten so-n-so
cowards that have no honour what-so-ever' you guys have to fill out the
necessary papers and take the proper classes on how to operate and fire the
wet noodle launchers! And no I'm not releasing the wet noodle nukes to be
used as "salesmen ejectors' either. We are not going to have a repeat of
the misfiring of wet noodle launchers at the Mutt-boy bonfire - granted it
was fun but all those wet noodles had to be cleaned up and you guys all
bailed on the clean-up crew.

Item 11:
There have been strong rumours of a Buffy/Dragonball Z crossover by two
rather bored and prone to insomnia
Woods Outback dwellers. When asked to verify the two were reported to grin
somewhat innocently - or attempt to anyway their devilish little horns keep
ruining the effect - and replying: "Go ahead... TRY to talk us out of it...
we dare you!"

Item 12:
Er... there is no item twelve I got carried away numbering the items.

Item 13:
Whoever "barrowed" Mister Pointy without asking.... RETURN it to my Office
no questions asked. The Slayer is getting irritated and the Hacker is
threatening magic. And we all know that an irritated Slayer almost always
means a homicidal staking streak in Sunnydale proper and we are low on
sedatives for her.

That is all we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.



Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy
Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma.
Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn.
Founding Member of the Get Willow and Buffy Naked Society. {GWBNS - Hey,
its a way of life!} Dark MIstress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin.
Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw
of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker
Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

AIM screen name: ShadowDrake
Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow
MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}
ICQ Number: 120681217