REPOST FIC: The Longest Night Parts 1-2/4

[jeepy91@xxxxxxx]

Hi gang, well I finishedthe conclusion of my little Christmas fic, so I thought I'd repost the whole thing :)

Anyway, happy holidays,a nd please let me know what you think :)

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Author: Casandra
Email: rozwellrulz@xxxxxxx
Disclaimer: I of course own nothing here. It all belongs to that evil naughty mastermind Joss and company.  Also the basic theme idea credit should go to Charles Dickens for writing ‘A Christmas Carol’ 
Rating: PG-13 for a tiny brief mention of sex
Warning: If the idea of two consenting adult woman in a romantic relationship doesn’t sit well with you, well then you better avert your eyes from this fic.
Pairing: Buffy/Willow.  Well at least eventually, it might take mea little while to get there.
Spoilers: Anything is kinda open fare here, but  a part particularly pertains to ‘Lie To Me’.  Also stuff that happened in ‘The Gift’ is kinda prevalent in parts of the fic.
Distribution: Sure be my guest and take it.  But please drop me a note and let me know where I can find it.
Feedback:  What can I say, I really enjoy it when someone respondsto my writing.  Doesn’t matter if it’s praise or criticism, anything is appreciated.
Summary: Well I’m attempting to spin ‘A Christmas Carol’ into a Buffy/Willow fic.  Buffy is haunted by the ghosts of Christmas’ past, present and future. Told basically from Buffy’s POV
Author’s Note: Well I wanted to try and write a holiday fic andbrighten up my spirits since Buffy has been so dark this season.  AndI’m having a bit of trouble writing post mortem Buffy, so please bear with me. Anyway, I’m not even explaining myself very well so I might as well just get on with the fic

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I used to love Christmas as a kid, running down the stairs on Christmasmorning and tearing through all the presents under the tree.  Life iseasy when you’re a child, everything is seen through eyes still untouched by the harshness of the real world.  A child has an innocence about them that is lost to the jaded adult world.  I crave for that innocence now, I’ve wished so many times in the last 6 years to just be a kid again.  To see everything through that un-jaded un-cynical way that only a child can.  But I can’t, I lost my innocence at a much younger age than most people.  And I can’t help but be resentful of that.  And I also can’t help but feel a bit guilty for ripping that away from my friends.  Because the minute they stepped into my world, my dark despairing world, I knew it was only a matter oftime before that innocence was lost.  But one thing, one person has always made me question my theory that all adult
s are jaded and cynical.

Willow.  She has always amazed me.  6 years ago she chose to walk the dark path with me, just like Xander.  She always remained thesame cheery, happy go lucky, every cloud has a silver lining, girl that I met at the water fountain that first day at Sunnydale High.  In all the years I’ve known her she’s always been the soul of the Scoobies, she’s always helped us to see the positive in everything.  Maybe that’s why I clung so tightly to our friendship all these years.  She’s the light to my dark.  And I know withouta doubt that if she had not been by my side through all the battles I’ve faced that the darkness would have consumed me long ago.  

Dracula said that my Slayer powers were rooted in darkness, and even though I denied it out loud, internally  I knew that he was right.  Because I can feel the power in me all the time.  I can feel the conflict of light and dark screaming through my blood.  And it scared me to know that I could go either way in the war I had been fighting. Willow has kept me grounded though, she made the choice so easy for me.  All I had to do was look at her smile, the twinkle in her gorgeous emerald eyes  and I wouldn’t even question myself anymore.  I thanked God all the time for Willow being the person she is, despite having a vampire slayer for a best friend.  Knowing me didn’t rip away her innocence like I was so sure it would, like it subtly did to Xander.

But I knew it would only be a matter of time before something so terrible happened that Will would have that sweet, gentle childlike quality that I loved about her, stolen away.  I was scared to see that day, scared for her, but even more scared for myself. Because I was so afraid I’d lose my best friend.  Finally that day did come, and I was right,I did lose her, I can feel that now.  She had that innocence strippedaway and I’m the one responsible.

Since I’ve been back in the land of the living the gang has come to me one by one and told me about what happened after I leapt off that tower.  Dawn was the first to approach me about it.  Leave it to my kid sister to be the first one to talk to me about my death.  She always was quite the blunt little thing.  I was a little bit surprised though that thing she talked most about was Willow.  In fact all of them, one by one, came to me about Willow and what happened after my little header into the great beyond.  

Dawn told me how Willow had rushed over to my body a few moments after it fell and tried to perform CPR on me. How Giles and Tara tried to pull her away from me, insisting there was nothing she could do, I was gone.  Dawn told me that Willow practically growled at Tara when she tried to comfort the distraught redhead.  Apparently Willow sat there for almost an hour pumping my chest and trying to make my empty lungs breathe.  Finally she ended up passing out from exhaustion and Spike carried her home.  When Dawn had related what happened in the hours after I died I had been filled with a tremendous feeling of guilt.  Because in that momentI knew I had been the one that had stripped Willow’s innocence away.  I took her best friend away from her, she had to watch me die.  I try not to believe that it’s my ego talking when I think like that, because I know that if I hadn’t been the Slayer, and I had towatch Willow perish, it would hav
e done the exact same thing to me.

A few days after Dawn and I had out little chat, Xander came to me witha story of his own.  Again I was surprised when he seemed to focus onWillow.

After they had laid me to rest everyone went back to Giles apartment totry and settle down.  Everyone except Willow, she stayed behind at mygravesite.  Xander told me how he tried to convince her to come back to Giles’ but she would hear nothing of it.  In fact he said that it was  like she wasn’t even aware of his presence, she just kept staring at the headstone, tracing the letters of my name with the tips of her fingers.  He had finally left her alone when Tara insisted she could take care of herself, that she just needed time to say goodbye tome.  But when she didn’t come back by dark he had gone back to get her. Xander found her curled up against the marker, gently sobbing asshe shallowly slept.  He had scooped her up and carried her back to Giles house and tucked her into his bed.  He told me the whole way homeshe kept murmuring my name and  saying she was so sorry.  I remember Xander looked near tears as he t
old me how devastated our best friend had been.

I was most surprised though when almost two weeks later Tara came to me.  Out of all of us I had known her  the least amount of time, and even though I really liked the girl, I was a little shocked when  she wanted to tell me her own tale.  I wasn’t surprised however when she told me it was about Willow.  It was becoming a theme and I hated it, because I’ve always been loathe to cause Will any pain.  And the stories they were relating to me were just downright awful to for me to listen to.  But Tara’s story didn’t make me  sad, it filled me with so much pride and love that for a moment I forgot how miserable I’ve been seen returning to the moral world. Tara actually seemed rather proud herself as she told me how Willow had taken charge of everything after my passing.  She put aside her grief a few weeks after the final battle with Glory and stepped into my leadership role.  She fixed the ’Me’ Bot so Sunnydal
e wouldn’t be left completely unprotected.  That was my Will, always thinking of other people before herself.  I was glad to know that my death hadn’t changed her completely.  Tara also told me how insistent Willow had been that they move into my house to take care of Dawn.  Willow had kept saying that she needed to make sure that Dawn would be ok, she hadto at least do that for me, I would have wanted her to take care of my little sister.  She knew I died to protect Dawn  and  Willow was determined to make sure it wasn’t in vain.  

What Willow didn’t know and what I didn’t exactly offerup to Tara, was that I didn’t just die for Dawn, I did it for all of them.  If I wouldn’t have jumped into that portal we all would have been killed.  And I wasn’t about to watch all my friends die when there was something I could do to stop it.  If I would have let Dawn jump it would have destroyed me.  I know I would have given up and turned to the dark side and, for once, Willow would have been powerless to stop it.  And I knew I would have dragged them all down with me.

As I sit here with a cup of cocoa in my hand, watching the lights flicker on the Christmas tree, thinking of the stories my friends have told me about Willow, I feel more despair than I thought possible.  I’ve been in such a dark place since I’ve been back.  And I thinkthe only way I knew how to deal with that was to turn to Spike.  To turn to something equally as dark as I’ve become.  But once wasenough to open up my eyes and see that Spike’s not the answer.  I was so lost in my own pity and pain that I didn’t even realizewhat was happening to Willow.  And I know that if something worse hadhappened to Dawn because of it I would have lost both of them forever.  The haunted look in Will’s eyes scared me more than almost anything.  Because I know that look, I’ve had that look.  And the person who always chased it away was now wearing it.

Since that night almost a month ago she’s been trying so hard to prove herself to me, to Dawn, to everyone.  I haven’t seen her use magic since then and I can’t help but be a little proud of her.  But I still can’t figure out how to help her.  How am I supposed to chase away the darkness when I’m a part of it?

Dawn and Willow are getting along much better now, so I’m at least thankful for that.  In fact it was Dawn’s idea to get the tree this year, she thought it would cheer Will and me up.  But as beautiful as it is, all it does is make me sad.  It makes me think of theChristmas that Angel almost killed himself.  And of last year when wespent the better part of the holiday season in and out of hospitals with Mom.  Although the thought of my tiny Jewish Santa does ease the despair for a moment.  But it is quickly replaced by the thought that this will be the first Christmas without Mom.  And here I thought it didn’t get any worse!  I’m completely trapped by this dark despair, it’s engulfing me like a thick heavy fog.  And I don’t have any idea how to get out.  And as loathe as I am to admit it, I’m not sure I want to.

Suddenly, just as that last thought crosses my mind, the metaphorical fog that I had just been thinking about rolls into  my living room, followed by a ghostly white apparition.  I see the tattered jeans and theiron chains hanging off the bony limbs.  Slowly I draw my eyes up to its face, beginning to wonder if I had somehow been whisked into a Charles Dickens novel.  I didn’t need to wonder anymore though when I saw who the ghost was.

“Ford?�
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Part 2

I blink a few times trying to grasp my mind around what’s happening before me in my living room.  As the Slayer I’ve seen so many strange and unusual things in my time, I didn’t think anythingcould surprise me anymore.  I guess I was wrong.  Here Ford is, dead Ford, standing in my living room looking like he just stepped into therole of Jacob Marley.  Wait a second, no way, uh-uh, no way!  There is no way this happening, this is way too strange, even for me!

“Hey Buffy�  Ford smiles a bit and waves a bony hand in my direction.

“Ok, this isn’t happening.  I’m imagining things, or I’m dreaming.  It’s a freaking novel for God’s sake!�  I think I must be turning an alarming shade of red, because it suddenly feels very warm in here despite the chill that the mist around Ford carries.

“So I see you’ve already figured it out then.  That a girl Buffy, you always were quick on the uptake,�  He slowly moves closer to me, his chains rattling with each step.  He walks past me and sits down in the chair that I had just shot out of moments before, then motions for me to take a seat on the sofa.  “I know things have been difficult for you these past few months.  And I also know you feel lost and consumed by despair.  The powers that be are worried that their Chosen One has given up, and that is simply unacceptable to them.  There are great things in store for you Buffy, but if you continue in the path you’re traveling now you’ll never fully realize the potential.  So this is their way of trying to help you with your problem.�

“Wait a minute Ford, first of all, why did they send you?�  I actually asked the question just  to keep my mind from zoning out.  I kind of already knew the answer, after all, Mickey’s Christmas Carol always was my favorite holiday cartoon.

“I wear these chains and tattered clothes as a way to repent for the sins I committed while on the mortal plane.  Apparently this is my second chance to make right what I did to you while I was alive,� A guilty _expression_ crossed his ashen features, and for the first time since the incident with Ford, I actually thought he felt bad about what he had done.

“Ok, I get that, but what exactly is going to happen?  Howare they going to help me?� Ok, I pretty much knew the answer to that one too.

“Oh, come on Buffy, you know exactly what’s going on.  But if I must explain it to you than so be it.  Tonight you will be taken on a journey throughout time.  You will be show glimpses, images, of Christmas’ past, present and future.  Your guides,� he stopped at the dubious _expression_ I knew was crossing my face.

“Guides?  You mean ghosts don’t you?�  My voice was as sarcastic as I ever remember it being.  But Ford just cast me an easy smile and continued.

“No, they aren’t exactly ghosts Buffy.  Your guides will have familiar faces to make the journey less unsettling.  If you must, think of them more as a guiding spirit, easing you through the images that you will be shown.  This journey is to show you what once was,what is now, and what still could be, if you don’t change the way you have been living these last few months.  A word of warning Buffy, the spirit guide of Christmas yet to come will not wear the face of someoneyou trust. Christmas’ yet to be are the most unsettling of them all.  Prepare yourself , you may not like what you see�  With that last cryptic word he stood up and moved to leave, chains trailing behind him and noisily rattling across the floor.  “Expect the first spirit guide at 1 o’clock .  That shouldn’t be aproblem, I know you’re such a night owl�  He chuckleda bit at his bad sense of humor and then moved to leave again.

“Wait a sec, you’ve got to be kidding me!  This isreal life, not some Charles Dickens novel.  A Christmas Carol was a story for God’s sake!�  Even though I knew what was happening, and somehow I could believe what was happening,  I still wanted to know how it was happening.  Ford turned back around and cast me adisbelieving look.

“Buffy, fairytale creatures have come to life and you’ve fought them on more than one occasion.  Why is it so hard to believe that a story from a novel could be real?  Besides, who said Charles Dickens wrote fiction anyway?�  And with that he was gone.  I think I must have stood there for a good minute with my jaw hanging wide open before I realized I was alone again.  I quickly ran back and curled up into the chair I had spent the better part of the night in and wrapped the green blanket I had been using tightly around me.  I loved this blanket, it was Willow’s, and it always smelled like the sweet scented vanilla perfume that she wore.  I grasped my mug of hot chocolate again and took a long sip before settling into the chair and waiting for the clock to strike one. 

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I didn’t fall asleep, so when the digital clock clicked over to1am my eyes were boring a hole straight through it.  Just as Ford promised, as soon as the clock clicked over a warm breeze flowed into the room.  As I was scanning the living room for my first ‘guide’ I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder.  I spun around in the chair and stared up at the face the spirit guide wore.

“Angel?�

“Not really little one, I just wear his face.  The powers thought no one better to guide you through the visions of your past than someone who was a significant part of it.  But remember child, I am not him, I only resemble his features.  Now my dear, are you ready to begin your journey?�  He smiled gently down at me as he offered his hand out.

“I guess so.  Where exactly are we going?�  Iwas curious to what the powers that be had in store.  I took his offered hand as he started to lead me out of the living room.  If I had any doubts that this man wasn’t Angel they were gone the second I putmy palm in his. His grasp was startlingly warm.

“Not very far child, you’ll see, come along,�  he ushered me out the front door and when I stepped onto the porch I was suddenly standing in my old home in Los Angeles.  The spirit pulledme farther into the house until we came upon the living room.  There in the far corner stood the most magnificent Christmas tree I had ever seen.  It was covered in tinsel and silver balls, the lights sparkling from it creating an almost halo around the entire room. 

My eyes shifted to below the tree where a young girl, not more than 5, sat  wading through the presents.  A little blonde girl that looked suspiciously like me.

“Mom come on, you always let me open at least one present on Christmas Eve!�  A little blonde girl that didn’t just look like me, but sounded exactly like me.  I followed the girl’s gaze and felt my breath hitch when I caught sight of who she was pleading to.

“Mom?�  I hadn’t seen her in so long, the tears immediately welled up in my eyes.

“Yes, little one, your mother.  Do you remember this?�  His voice was so gentle with me as I tried to wrap my mind around the memory playing itself out before us.

“Yeah, I do.  It was when I was four, that was the year Dad got stuck in Colorado on business.  He got snowed in on Christmas Eve and didn’t make it home until the day after Christmas� I still felt a pang of resentment at my father for even going away on a business trip that close to Christmas, even if it wasn’t his fault he got snowed in.  “It was actually kind of nice just Mom and me though.�  I turned my attention back to the scene in front of me when I heard my mother’s gentle voice.

“Buffy, don’t you want to wait for your father?  I’m sure he’ll be home any minute now�

“Do we have to? Can’t I open just one now?� Huh, I never realized how whiny I was at that age.  Mom really did have her hands full.

“Come on Buffy, I’ll read you a story until your Dad gets home, how’s that?�  Mom was trying her darndest to compromise with me.

“Ok, but only if it’s ‘A Night Before Christmas’�  The younger me finally relented and climbed up onto Mom’s lap as she grabbed a book from beside the chair.

“Of course Buffy, I know it’s your favorite�  I watched as Mom started relating the story of St. Nick and the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.  I felt the tears course down my cheeks as I watched the memory that I had cherished all these years relived before my very eyes.  I didn’t want to ever leave this place, itfelt safe, I felt safe, for the first time in months.

“Come along child, there is something else you must see.  And my time here is quickly coming to a close�  The spirit gently guided me back out through the foyer and out the front door.  As he ushered me away my eyes never left the scene that had just played out in front of me. Before I realized what was happening though I was standing back on the front porch of my house, my house in Sunnydale.  

“I thought you had something else to show me, why are we back at my house?â€?  Just as the question escaped my mouth I heard a loud burst of laughter erupt from inside.  Curious as to which Christmas I had stepped into this time,  I slowly turned the knob of  the front door and moved inside.  The foyer was covered in garland, reaching up along the staircase and hanging from the eves.  I followed thesound of laughter into the living room.  As soon as I caught sight ofthe tree in the middle of the room  and the people surrounding it I knew instantly where I had been taken.  “I remember this, it was right before you………..I mean right before Angel tu