FIC: Sequel to 'Janus': Eros (2/2)

[Mad Hamlet <Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx>]

"Okay Will. Showers all yours." I toss my wet towel with the soaps and
stuff wrapped inside at my bed and delibratly miss. It hits the floor with a
thud. "Clean that up later." I give it a little jump and butt bounce on my
mattress. Can't force laughter. Have to practice on that. I settle for a lazy
smile.

Then I notice her.

"Will?"

She's sitting in the corner, on her bed. Knees drawn to her chest, head
resting on her knees. She has her arms wrapped tightly around her legs.

"Willow?" I stand back up and start to cross the space between our bed. "You
okay?"

"I'm not stupid." Her voice is muffled a bit by her knees but I hear her
plain as day.

I freeze. Not moving, not blinking, all the wieght is on my left foot because
I was in the middle of a step. A cool breeze blows in from the open window,
curls around my leg making my skin sprout goosebumbs as the wet flesh is
chilled. 

Not as much as that cold point that just dropped in my stomach.

"W..what?" I stammer out. 

Willow raises her head. Her features are set, quiet. Relaxed even. Almost
totally composed. Like she looks when she's studying, well, with all the dried
blood still covering her features she'd have to have been studying some
biology experiment. When she's studying water isn't coursing down her face.
Tears actually, but she's not crying. Crying means sobs, and gasps, and eyes
squelched shut, legs shaking, body shaking. Heart pounding in your chest and
being very, very cold.

She isn't any of these things. Looking calm, and peaceful. A calm and
peaceful person who just happens to have a very wet face. She's not crying.
Willow's leaking. Leaking water that's leaving muddy, rusty tracks through the
bloody facemask. Water mixed with blood slides down her cheeks, hangs from the
tip of her chin and splashes silently on her dress. 

She..she should.. It'll stain.


"I'm not stupid." She repeats looking me right in the face.

"No..one thinks you are..." I reply slowly. I back away and bump into the
edge of my own mattress. I don't sit down. A stronger breeze makes the
curtains over the window billow out and the blinds rattle. 

"They do." Willow says still looking right at me. "They do think I'm stupid.
They think they can lie to me, pretend to forget everything that happened on a
terrible and glorious evening. They think that telling me they don't remember
will put the genie back in the box. They think they can hurt me terribly, and
I won't notice. So," she pauses and takes a deep breath. "They must think I'm
stupid. I don't know why though." 

She finally breaks eye contact, I feel like someone just stopped throttling
me. 

She rests her head back on her knees.

Well, that dress is toast.

"It's very confusing." She says clearly audiable. "I'm not sure what hurts
more. The fact that they think I'm stupid, or that fact that I don't know why
they think I'm stupid."

She's quiet for a moment. My stomach has clenched into a tight, acid filled,
cold ball. A bottomless, acid filled, cold ball. 

"So tell me then." Her voice...is flat and neutral. Carefully, selected. And
it echoes around the room. "Why do you think I'm stupid Buffy?"


"I..." My jaw snaps shut all by itself. Panic rules the day. 

No. No no no no nonononononononoo...

What gave me away..? What did I do wrong? I ..didn't want to hurt you Willow.
I didn't want to hurt anybody! Protect. That's all. Just wanted to
protect...keep safe. Arms distance. Things the way they were. Good then,
things were good then. Safe then, safe and good. Couldn't we go back to that?
I just wanted things to go back to that. 

Keep you safe. Keep me safe. Keep us safe. That's all. Really that's all. I'm
sorry, I'm so, so, so sorry Willow. Please..please believe me..please...I'll
make it up to you. I'll do anything you want, just one more chance, please,
I'm sorry. 

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, don't go..don't go. Please don't go. I can't lose
you. Not you Willow. Oh please...no. God no. No no no no no.

That's what I think.

"I..don't know what you're talking about." Is what I actually say.

Willow's head snaps up and her eyes lock on mine. Her cheeks are smeared with
crimson streaks. The blood, having been soaked by the..water has turned bright
red again. It got wiped away, a lot of it, most of it is all over her dress
now... not all. The pale skin of her cheeks is more visible but she's flushed
and the red of the blood on the inside with the still blood on the outside...
I try not too, my neck muscles turn of their own violition and I look away.

I'm studying the corner of the room, where two walls and the ceiling meet,I
can feel her eyes still boring into me from across the room.

Wow, that corner needs dusting. 

"Okay." Willow says quietly. I hear her feet hit the floor and see her, out
of the corner of my eye, walking across the room. Really dusty that corner.


I hear the doorknob latch and the squeak of hinges as the door is swung
open.

"Get out." Willow says just as quietly as before.

That gets my attention. I look at her. She's standing beside the open door,
arms crossed over her chest, she's not glaring at me. There's no sign of anger
or hate. She still looks quiet calm, her eyes don't even look sad, though
they're still leaking.

I stammer out a half laugh. "W...Willow, c'mon." I giggle a bit. "I..don't
know what happened last night, except from what you told me and..."

"Shut up."

Willow has never told me to shut up. I hear this little echo, a slight
pinging sound like metal under stress starting to part. It's inside my head. 

"W..w..wha..?" I start. She interupts me.

"Faith was a murderous, evil, skanky bitch." Willow overrides my sputters.
"At least she was honest with herself though."

"O..okay Willow, jokes over now..." I try again. Part of my mind is screaming
at me, telling me to shut the hell up, to tell her the truth, that I'm just
making it worse but I don't listen. I never do.

"I told you I loved you last night." Willow says. "Not friend love, love
love. I said I loved you, I offered you my heart and you accepted it. You said
you loved me back. We kissed." Her voice drifts away for a second, a small
smile tugging at her lips. She's not looking at me anymore, she's looking
through me. Remembering.

"We kissed." She murmers. "It was wonderful. That's how I got the blood onmy
face. Not because you sniffed my neck; you told me you loved me and kissed me.
You remember that don't you."

"Okay..jokes over.." I try and smile, there's another slightly louder screech
of metal being forced in my head. "Kissed? Us? C'mon Willow that's just...wow.
Major wiggins give-"

"Don't you dare say that!" She's in my face, screaming in my face. Now sheis
crying. Screaming through, no sobs. Tears and screaming words. I scramble
backwards onto my bed, trying to get some space between us but she follows
after me, I'm pinned between the wall and Willow. 

"Don't you use that word." She hisses at me. Her lips are so close. I could
just twitch my head and we'd be kissing again. I remember it; our kiss from
last night. It was wonderful.

"That's my word." She snarls. "Wiggins is my word. I made it up, I used in
high school, you just plagerised it. It's my word, my invention. Don't you
dare say, you no longer have the right!"

Bend, screech, twist, shatter....roar of truimph, or release. It's free. Oh
God...it's free.

And now I'm crying. My hand of it's own violition tries to reach up to cup
her face but she slaps it away. 

"I..I'm sorry." I burble. "I d-didn't want too." 

"What did you want Buffy? I gave you everything, what more could you possibly
want?" I can't see her face. The ...water..something in my eyes is..just a red
..blur. Right there in front of me.

A voice, flat, red..and flashes of green. That's all I can see.

"I..I...wanted..wanted to be .." I try and get some more space between her
and me. Pushing against the wall. The plaster begins to crack. 

Willow's hands are on my face an instant later. Restraining me, as
if...Willow couldn't stop me from doing what I wanted. Yet, now, I can't move.
The sensation, soft..so soft. Electric ..I ..I can't help myself..can't...do
anything but..lean..

Her touch hardens, she's wiping away my tears with her fingers. Mechanically,
in a brisk, effecient manner. 

"So you can see me." She explains still cleaning my face. "You have to be
able to see me."

I don't want..can't..see. Don't wanna see. Can't see. 

Hurts.

I can't escape. 

The back of my head hits the wall with a soft 'thump'. 

I can see her now. Willow crouches in front of me on my bed. Between my legs
on her knees. Her fingertips brush against my cheek one last time. The
sensation, despite the set of her face, the stillness in her eyes, is one I
can't help but savor. 

"Willow-" I croak.

"No." She cuts me off leaning back and putting her hands in her lap. "You
havn't answered my question. What do you want?"

"I ..I don't know."

"That's not a good enough answer Slayer." The word, the title of what I do
lashes across me. She didn't hiss the word, or snarl she just said it and it's
like a whip; an accusation. She takes a deep breath, holds it for a moment
and then releases it with an audiable sigh. "Tell me what you wanted. Tell me
about that desire that was so strong and powerful that you were willing to
betray me. To stab me in the back."

"I didn't stab you." I protest feebly.

"But you did." She counters. "You thought about it. You planned it. You
premeditated on your actions Buffy. You chose to hurt me. For what?" 

She leans foward slowly as she speaks, the words are calm again. She has
control of herself and of me and as her lips, I can't stop watching her lips
move and shape the words, get closer and closer to me my breathing catches in
my throat. 

"What do you want....Slayer?" She whispers in my ear.

"To be safe!" I scream and then I can't stop talking. 

"Safe, I just want to be safe. I want things simple! Just..be someone like
everyone else! I can't do that though can I? I have to be some defender, some
stupid bitch who was chosen, yay look at me Willow! I won some fucking cosmic
lottery!" I wave my hands in the air, a deeply sarcastic cheering gesture. 

"I get to live every single night terrified out of my mind," I continue. Ido
what I can though, put the best face foward then. I fall in love, but whoops!
That doesn't work out because he's dead. He's a vampire. Lucky me. I do stupid
things, stick with him anyway. Then I get to kill him. That at least should
have been easy what with him turned into a monster but no, I don't even get
that. He comes back, right before I can do the deed he comes back. So I getto
look him right in the eyes, seeing everything I cared about die in front of
me. By my hand Willow! By MY hand!"
	
I slide down the wall, curling up fetal. Knees to my chest, arms wrapped
around my legs. I keep talking.

"I got over that, I dealt and moved on. I always thought I was better than
them. Yes they were ridgy, fangy, slimly bloody monsters but not me! Not the
Slayer! I used weapons, I was effecient and clean. Until last night."

I can't help the wail that slips past my lips. I feel like I want to throw
up.

"I wake up this morning and the first thing I see is my hands. They're just
coated in blood. You know what my first thought is though? Not 'how'd that
happen?' or 'Gosh, I'd better wash my hands' no. Not anything like that. The
first thing that pops into my head when I see my bloody hands is 'I wonder
what it must taste like!' Do you understand me Willow? I wanted to drink that
blood! I did drink it, I licked it off my lips and I liked it!" 

I clench my teeth against the mixed wave of desire and nausea that assultsmy
stomach. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water.

I'm not looking at her as I'm ranting. All I can see are those wierd loops
and whirls and spiral in front of your eyes if you press your hands over them.
They're kinda funny and fun to watch; you give yourself a headache if you do
it too long. I don't care though. I keep my palms pressed over my eyes and I
keep talking...screaming..whatever.

"You said you didn't care, fine. I do though. I can't take the risk of losing
you. We fall in love, we kiss, go out on dates, laugh, have good times and
then one evening...just one time I slip and bang you're gone. And I have to
either live without you or track you down and destroy whatever it was that
took you from me! To hunt you like a beast and look you right in the eyes as I
...whatever. Shove a stake through your chest, shoot you with a crossbow, cut
your head off with an axe. Who knows. I can't take the chance of losing you
like that. I can't...I love you too much to .. oh God Willow I'm sorry..."

There's silence. 

A long, heavy silence.

It's silence just between us though. The rest of the world doesn't respect
dramatic moments.

Footsteps out in the hall, a figure stumbles past the doorway, pauses and
looks in sleepily with red rimmed eyes. "Coffee" He's muttering. "Coffee."

The footstep recede.

"You're safe Buffy." Willow says quietly. She's far away. Very far away. "You
won't lose me to the forces of evil, or vampyness or anything like that. I
promise." I expect to feel her gentle hands carressing me. Some sort of
physical act of forgiveness. That's what happens in the movies. I wait and
wait and wait. She doesn't touch me.

She pauses, I'm still wheeping into my hands, can't look at her, won't look
at her. Just crying and crying and crying and crying...

"I just want to be normal." I sob. "Go to school, be with friends, meet the
love of my life, get married, get a job. Have two point five kids. I've always
wanted a point five kid."

Willow continues speaking, as if I never said anything. "I told you I didn't
care. I meant it. You were so scared of a possibility that you chose, over it,
a certainty. No, you won't lose me through anything evil, at least by anything
Hellmouthy. You won't lose me like that because you've already lost me
Buffy."

No.
	
I didn't want this. Just..normal. I just wanted normal. This isn't fair. Why
can't I have normal?


"Willow-" I can't.. everything is working so clear. I can see, smell, hear,
feel. 

The light, morning light, small motes of dust swirling in the air. The itchy
material of my blanket. It was never itchy before, why is it itchy now? The
cold wall pressed into my back. My foot tap, tap, tapping madly, twitching on
its own on my bed. My knee joins in the shaking. Knee and foot, shaking and
tapping. 

Hear people outside. Walking to the cafateria. Someone is laughing. Someone
is laughing with someone else. Good friends are laughing together. Telling
jokes. I can hear them. 
Can ..I can smell... so clearly the...shampoo. Rinsed away most of it. Still
smell it though, in my hair. I smell like apples. Green apples. Willow hasn't
had a shower yet. When she does she smells... I don't know. Lived with Willow
for a while now, should know what she smells like by now. Never noticed, never
asked. Never get the chance. 

Muscles feel so loose. So relaxed. So relaxed, I'm relaxed..almost. Heart
isn't relaxed. My heart is pounding. Loud. Getting louder and faster. Hurting
so fast, the hurting is ....my heart. My heart is going so fast it's hurting,
or the hurting is going so fast that..my heart. My heart is leaving me.
Drowning out everything. Can't hear the people anymore, the friends. Laughing
friends are gone. Just my heart. Can't see the dust anymore, just can feel my
heart, can't feel the blanket itching. Hurting, hurting is eating everything.

Don't go away heart, don't go away. Don't leave me, don't leave me so I can't
see or feel or hear or anything. Don't go away heart, leaving me with only
...acid. Acid and my hurt.

I'm falling.

"Get your stuff packed." Willow says. "I want you out by the time I get back.
I'm going to get some breakfast." The door swings shut with a quiet 'click'.


Silence is Golden.

The sunlight is making my silent air golden. 

I don't want gold.

Willow?

Where did you go Willow?


Time passes, not sure how much. I'm..I'm dressed. How'd that happen? I look
on my bed, which is made, I made my bed? There's my suitcase there. It's
bulging with stuff. Who's stuff? Oh my stuff. That's right. Willow told me to
pack, and I did. 

I'm standing in the middle of the room. Between our beds. Everything looks
pretty much the same. My dishes are on the counter, clock radio is ticking
away the minutes, Mr. Gordo is still keeping my pillow company. Closet is
empty though, dustbunnies are filling in the empty space under my bed wheremy
suitcase used to be. 

Willow can have my closet space, she..she can get some more clothes, she can
use my closet space..get better ...looking clothes. 

Her computer beeps. Someone sent her email. A friend sent her some email. Can
I send her email?

No.

Yes?

Maybe.

A tiny click and the plastic numbers on my clock flip over to 'seven, three,
oh'. 

Hm. 

I look at the mirror. Brush my hair one last time.

Nice, straight, even rows. 

I toss the brush into the empty closet and pickup my suitcase.

Stand there for a while. Something happens maybe? If I wait something can
happen maybe?

Telephone call maybe?

Friend stopping by?

Anyone stopping by?

Vampire stopping by?

Demon eating other students stopping by?

Invasion from Hell stopping by?

Anything?

Anything at all?

So I don't have to leave?

Please?

I step out into the hallway, close the door, reach for my keys. Open the
door, grab my keys off the shelf, step back outside. No one is there. Empty
silent hallway. Numbered doors on either side stetching the length of the
hallway. Behind each one seperate worlds, worlds that change every year. Can't
I stay in my world? 

No.

Close the door. 

Lock the door.

Grab my suitcase again, walk down the silent hall. Sunlight follows me here.
> > From the windows at each end of the hall, sunlight beams in. Still can see
those tiny, floating, carefree motes of dust. 

Turn the corner. There's the stairs. They go down.

I'm falling. Inside I'm still falling.

Might as well go down then.

I almost do fall down the stairs. 

I can barely see anything. 
	
No one sees me though. Good. Alone. 

The exit. 

He...or she..who hesitates is lost, I'll not hesistate.

Outside now. Birds. Trees. Grass. Cars. Buses. People. Cats. Dogs. Sun. Sky.


Wish there was a vampire. 

Where to go?

Mom.




I knock on the door. 

A voice from inside. "Just a minute."

The door opens and she looks out at me, her face looks concnerned. Gee am I
still crying? Thought I had stopped. "Buffy?"

"Hi Mom." I say.

"Buffy what's wrong?" She asks opening the door wider. "Are you alright
dear?"

"Can I come in?"

	

Now..I know I was outside on the porch a second ago. How'd I wind up in the
living room?

Oh that's right, mom invited me in. Careless Mom. What if I was a vampire? 

She's sitting across from me, leaning foward, elbows resting on her knees,
hands clasped together in worry. 

"Buffy? Did you hear me? I asked you what happened."

"What?" I blink a few times. "Oh..nothing big. I mean, nothing big
in..uh..Slayer stuff. Everybody is fine in that regard. No tragic deaths
today." I smile. She flinches.

"So..why are you here then?" She doesn't move, just looks at me with
mother-worry eyes. 

A car drives by the picture window, grey, sedan of some sort. Kinda
streamlined. Wow, they're moving awfully fast. Whoever they are should be more
careful. Kids play in this area. 

"Uhm..well..Willow and I kinda had this argument and..." I start. 

"An argument." Mom echoes.

"Yeah." I nod. I try smiling again. Improvement. She didn't flinch.

"And you packed your bags and came home." Again she says it not as a
question, but a statement.

"It was...bad?" I shrug.

"You have an argument, a fight, with your best friend and you leave your
dorm. You call that bad Buffy?" Her worry look has grown, she's frowning
slightly but other than that hasn't moved.

"Yeah." I nod again. 

"Honey I know you don't like-" She begins.

No. She mustn't know. Mustn't learn. My problem, I'll ...No. Just no.

"Mom." I say in just that tone of voice.

"Do you want me to talk to her?" She's not asking really, more like begging.
Begging me to let her be some sort of help. Can't though.

"No mom. It..was bad and it'll stay...that way." I sigh, running my fingers
through my hair.

Don't break. 
Don't break. 
Don't break.

Break means tears, tears means pain, pain means tears, tears means talking,
talking means explanations, explanations means more bad, more breaks, more
pains, more tears. 

Don't break.
Don't break.
Don't break.

"Actually I was hoping I could get some breakfast? I..er..didn't have a
chance to eat." I say. I watch my foot, it's tapping again. Taping against the
armrest of the chair. I clamp my hand over it, try and make it stop. It
twitches in my grip. 

Mom shakes her head. Barely noticible, just a slight movement but it says
everything. Helpless, worried, scared, loving, helpless. It's all there. She
shakes her head just a touch and stands up.

"Alright dear." She smiles down at me. Now I want to flinch. "I'll whip some
food up. Sunny side up sound good? With bacon?"

"Yeah." I say, my foot twitches even harder. "Sunny eggs and bacon. Sounds
great!"

Mom stands there for a minute. She's trying to work up the courage to say
somthing, or maybe try and figure out how to be supportive. I'll let her. That
way she can feel like she's helping; that's she's being 'Mom'. 

While I wait some more cars drive by. A chickadee lands on the bushes
outside. Looks at me with black eyes and flies off. Wind blows, the brancesof
the pine outside shake, a few pinecones fall out. 

"Give it some time." Mom finally says. "We..you...can talk to her Monday or
something. Cool down time is good right? This will work out. You'll see."

Cool down time?

I'm cold.

I smile up at her. "Okay Mom. Yeah. That'll probably work."

She walks to the kitchen.

No. Don't do that. Don't start hoping. 

Too late.

I can feel it inside. A bright spot. Stubborn..hot...impatient. It's bright
now. Bright and strong and it won't go away no matter how many doubts and
fears I throw at it. 

Where were you a few hours ago?

Monday. It says. Monday we can fix it. Monday we can say the right things,do
the right things, be the right things. Just have to wait till Monday.

It won't stop. Says that over and over and over. It's just going to cause
more..everything. I know it. I know it, it ..hope..knows it but it can't,
won't stop.

I hear the sizzle of oil and smell the cooking bacon. Mom opens the
refridgerator and then a few seconds later I can hear her open the cupboard
for some glasses. I can tell, that cupboard always squeaks. 

She's probably pouring some orange juice.

I do the only thing I can.

I settle down, look outside the window, and wait for Monday.






	




















SUNNYDALE GAZZETTE Sunday, October 11th, 1999

Local Girl Killed In Hit and Run.
Yesterday Sunnydale was again the victim of tragedy.
Willow Rosenberg, daughter or Ira and Shiela Rosenberg was struck and
killed in an apparent case of hit and run. Witnesses state, earlyon
the morning of Saturday the tenth, they saw the victim crossing the
street. She was described as being 'out of it' and 'distracted'
therefore did not notice when a grey Buick Sentry came around a corner
at high speeds. Despite onlookers
warnings Ms Rosenberg did not take heed and was struck head on. The
car that struck her did attempt to break beforehand but, after the
impact with the victim, drove away from the scene at high speeds
before any onlookers could get
a look at the licencse plates. Witnesses describe the vehicle as  
being fairly new and modern in appearence. No one interviewed claimed
to recognise the car.
Paramedics pronounced Ms Rosenberg dead at the scene at 8:11 AM,  
Saturday morning.
Police are asking anyone with information on the possible identity of
the driver to call them, toll free, at...



	

END


There is only one thing that can damn me.
That can send me down in a swirling maelstrom of fire and pain.
And it is not the word of Man.
And it is not the lessons and rules of the Church, hypocrites every one.
And it is not the words of God, nor the judgements of Angels.
And it not a fair tribunal of my 'peers' that can find me guilty of crimes
immortal.
No. 
I can only be accused, judged and damned by my own Soul.
And I would never be so betrayed.

Mad-Hamlet