Re: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Wodds Outback Report for January 2001

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

At 04:07 PM 2/3/02 -0500, you wrote:
> TO: All Department Heads, The United Vegetable Empire; and all other
> interested parties.
> FROM: The Director of Public Safety
> SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
> January 2001.
>
> :: Furry little beast steps up to podium wearing beat up leather combat
> jacket and Pilot's cap :: Troops! We stand at the crossroads of destiny...
> Er, wait wrong address. :: Frowns at stack of papers in front of her
> flipping through them until she finds the proper address :: Ahhh - here
> were are, the End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report
> for January - bet you guys thought I wouldn't find out where it was hidden
> did you??? :: Gives certain unnamed Woods Outback dwellers a hard
> meaningful look :: Now down to business... to recap what has been going on
> around here over the last month and just why the end of the month report got
> mysteriously "misplaced".
>
> Item 1:
> The Silver-tongued Wolf reports that someone has flat-out stolen his
> torturer rack and he wants it back! Guys we've had this talk too... Quin is
> the only one that is authorized to conduct wet noodle tortures and ALL OTHER
> tortures falls under the control of one Trizdel Wolf - Chief Gutter and
> Woods Outback Interrogator! Now I know there is A LOT of disgruntled
> people in the Gutter Proper and Woods Outback UPSET over certain story
> arches... however you cannot take matters into your own hands. We have
> rules and regulations in the Gutter concerning such matters - and it is just
> plain rude and inconsiderate not to include Quin and Trizdel in any actual
> tortures and/or exorcisms of demonic spirits that seem to have possessed the
> writing staff of BtVS.
>
> Item 1 add-on:
> Trizdel Wolf has issued this statement concerning his stolen rack: "The
> rack is used for torturing not back popping - please return it." Quin is
> currently taking an emergency count of the wet noodle launchers to ensure
> none of them have walked off on their own as certain unnamed panicky Woods
> Outback dwellers have been known to claim.
>
> Item 2:
> Tater will you please come and get the pickled cumbers that are currently
> dancing around what appears to be a large carrot tied to a stake in the
> middle of the town square in Sunnydale Proper - they are beginning to freak
> out the normally clueless residents. Also the vampire fruit bat community
> have issued a statement that reads in part: "The first pickled cumber that
> tries to convert them to the Church of the Radish is going to be sacrificed
> to the nearest Veg-O-Matic." The Vampire Fruit Bats want no part in
> strange vegetable religious cults - they are only interested in carrying on
> their centuries old war with the Vampire Tomatoes.

Oh don't mind them, they're just spillover from the party at the palace.
They'll all go home once they sober up. That should be any week now. As
for the rest of you who are still drukenly staggering around the palace
courtyard, the party is over, we ran out of Jungle Juice and Riley and Spike
shippers, although we do have a lot of lovely mulch now. Go home. And
please take your livestock with you. And we don't want to know how the
hovertank and the stray buffalo got in the hot tub, or why. And we really,
really don't ever want to know about the slinky neglige the buffalo is wearing.

Um... we're also the ones who borrowed the torture rack, for purposes that
you are all much too young and innocent to know about. Heck, Hugh Hefner is
too young and innocent to know about the [censored]. We'll return it as
soon as we figure out how to get the grass stains out.


tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)