Archive FIC: 20 on the 20th

[danspector@xxxxxxxxx]

"Come on, come on!" Spike snarled, shooing the Scoobies up to the table
in the Magic Box.

"Hey, watch it, Captain Cold!" Xander objected.

"Yeah," Dawn chimed in, "What's with all the rushy-rush?"

"It's nearly midnight in Philadelphia, and that dim sod Dan has
forgotten to wish Pat Kelly a happy Birthday!" the vampire explained.

"So?" Anya queried. " 'Happy Birthday, Pat!' There, I've said it, now I
have to go find someone new to have sex with."

"It's not that simple," Buffy noted. "Since Dan found out that Pat was
turning 20 this year, and since the 20s is the theme on our show, he
thought he'd do one of these archive fics, where we tell Pat what to
expectbut now he has to type real fast."

"So let's skip the exposition, and get right to the telling," Xander
declared. "Pat's fortunes are courtesy of Nok Sun's House of Chow,
where they DON'T use cat as the secret ingredient," he finished with a
pointed look at Buffy.

"And you're sure of that, why?" Buffy inquired, arching an eyebrow at
Xander, who swallowed uncomfortably.

"Erm, Buffy, perhaps we should start now," Willow prodded "You seem to
have the largest pile."

"Right," Buffy said, cracking open the first cookie and reading: " 'In
your twenties, events will move much slower than in the past, creating a
feeling of boredom and pointlessness.' Yuck!" the Slayer commented.

" 'You will rush into commitments you're not ready for and then back
out, hurting those you care for,' " Xander quoted, unhappily.

"And get yourself in a lot of trouble, too", Anya added. Xander spun
about warily. "That just seems logical," the (perhaps no longer)
ex-demon argued.

" 'You will lack your previous energy, and your humor will be lame,' "
Buffy read, unhappily. " 'Also, you will seem to mope endlessly.' "

" 'You will no longer appear to be a strong independent person,' "
Willow intoned, sadly, " 'but a weak, pathetic prisoner of your urges.'
"   

Buffy leaned over her shoulder, looking at the fortune slip. "Hey, I
think I got that one, too." she sighed.

" 'Because your friends keep secrets from you, people will say you are
self-involved, not really a true friend, and your secret-keeping friends
should dump you like the loser you are,' " Xander gulped, staring at the
strip.

Spike felt the assembled eyes turning upon him. "Now, now, children,"
the peroxided one chided, "I just said Slayer shouldn't have human
friendsI never said you were bad, unfeeling, selfish clods. It was
me vast and ever-growing fan base that thought you wankers were such,
well, wankers." The gang turned away from him, with much grumbling.

" 'You will be stuck at a pointlessly menial job' " Buffy began.

"There was a thematic point!" Jane Espenson cried, running in.

" 'the illogic of which overrides any thematic points,' " Buffy
concluded, evenly.

"Oh," Jane said, quietly. "Um, never mind," Jane uttered, exiting.

"You will lose all sense of fashion, not that that didn't start to
happen senior year," said a very familiar voice.

"Cordelia," Buffy snipped, turning on the newly arrived LA Gang, "you
don't even have a fortune cookie."

"Like I need the wisdom of the East to laugh at that outfit?" the
brunette sniffed.

"Like you've been dressing any better?" the blonde hissed back.

"Now, now, girls, let's not fight," Wesley purred, holding a bandage to
his neck. "This isn't Pat's B/C list, after all."

"Yeah, and I'm feeling neglected over here," Willow groused.

"Aw, Will," Buffy soothed, moving towards the redhead, "that's just
random UST, like with Faith or Spike. You're true love, you know that."

Angel awkwardly cleared his throat.

"Sorry, Angel." Buffy said.

" 'Your past loves will be mocked and made fodder for cheap jokes,' "
the brooding vampire announced. "By your friends, of all people," he
editorialized, staring at Wesley and Cordelia.

"Angel, we were merely worried that seeing Buffy again might upset you,"
Wesley simpered. "Cordy and I were just trying to break the tension."

"And the fact that Fred saw you doing your little skit, and thought that
I was an idiot and stopped crushing on me?" Angel continued.

"I was trying to snap her out of it," Cordelia muttered. "Wanted her
for myself. Damn Gunn snatched her up too quick."

"Yes, and they have absolutely no chemistry," Wesley commiserated.

Unsurprisingly, the words "no chemistry" were Riley's cue to enter.

" 'Your current, self-destructive relationship will cause nostalgia for
your previous partner, who you threw away as dull'," the commando read
stiffly. "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad!" he exclaimed, and was met
with stony silence. "Okay, I guess that's just me."

" 'You will now see teenagers as one-dimensional whiny simpletons, and
not the complex people you yourself once were'which is totally
unfair! I knew you hated me! You're so mean!" Dawn objected.

"T-th-this doesn't sound so good," Tara opined. "I don't know if Mr.
Kelly even wants to have his birthday now."

"That's because Red here forgot to read the most important part," Spike
sniped.

"Oh!" Willow said with a start. "Sorry, I got a little lost" she
apologized, removing Buffy's hands from around her waist and reaching
into her pocket. She broke open the largest fortune cookie of them all
as Buffy re-embraced her, encircling her perfect waist from behind and
resting her chin on the other girl's shoulder.

" 'However,' " Buffy and Willow read together, " 'despite all the
changes and challenges your 20s may bring, you will still remain the
same person you have always been, and those who care for you will
continue to do so, because no minor details or temporary setbacks can
ever remove the basic truth of what is and what is meant to be.' "

"I love you, Willow" Buffy said, ignoring Spike's groan, Angel's sigh,
Riley's gulp and Cordelia's sneer.

"I love you, too, Buffy," Willow replied, not even noticing the others
as the slayer and hacker moved into a sizzling kiss.

"I forgive you, Xander," Anya said, merging into the construction
worker's tight embrace. "However, I will still need to punish you."

"Well, I guess I'll be going," Riley said, heading out.

"Oh, come on Soldier Boy!" Spike called, chasing after him. "I showed
you the goods, how can you leave me again?"

"Hey, Tara, you up for some 'Thumb wrestling'?" Dawn said, attempting a
beyond-her-years eyeroll.

"D-Dawn! You're fifteen!"

"Hey, I can dream, so this fic thing's still legal!" the teen noted,
leading the witch off.

"You know, Cordelia," Wesley started as he guided the seer to the exit,
"I've been meaning to have a, er, personal talk with Charles for a while
now. Perhaps that would give you the opportunity to, well, speak with
our Fred&"

"Your lips to, well, anyplace but her lips," Cordelia assented as they
left.

Angel found himself standing alone with a still passionately-kissing
Buffy and Willow.

"I suppose I should go, too." he ventured.

"You do realize, it's well after midnight now, right?" he tried again.

"Which is okay, because I'm not much of a day person. But you know
that." he said, making a final effort.

"Oh, all right, I'll do it myself," he conceded, clearing his voice. 

"Happy Birthday, Pat!"

"20's okay, but 246 (or 275, whatever) is turning into a real bitch",
Angel groaned as he shut the door behind him.

******************************

Pardon my diversion, and best wishes.

Dan