End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for March 2002

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; and all concerned
parties.
FROM: Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
March 2002

Its that time - once again when I must recap and make the important Gutter
Announcements that effect us all in the Gutter and Woods Outback Proper, at
least the ones that have trouble remembering just where they were for the
month of March and/or what they were doing during those thirty-one days.

Item 1:
Regarding the rumoured return of our beloved mayhem-spreading shade wearing
Koala. Yes my fellow Gutter and Woods Outback Dwellers we're getting our
trouble-making Koala back after his centuries long enforced 'adult-type'
holiday care of the evil adults that went and captured him. {Or however
long it bloody well was... it sure felt like centuries - hell for him if
probably felt like a millennium or two. And no this doesn't mean he can
officially change his name to the 'Shade-wearing Millennium Koala', although
that has never stopped him in the past.}

Item 2:
Regarding the rumours that the Office of Gutter Safety has paid some type of
ransom for the share-wearing Koala in order for his captors to release him.
Those rumours are not true - the Office of Gutter Safety does NOT negotiate
with Koala-nappers, terrorist, UPS guys in brown shorts in the middle of
winter, or Snyder-shippers! We instead send in assault teams to liberate
the Koala or in the very least smuggle him naughty pictures of the Chosen
Two in the Surf Shop of Sunnydale Proper trying on wetsuits.

Item 3:
Security has reported continuing sightings of the Holy Thunder Demon Hunter
Biker Club in route to Sunnydale Proper in order to attend the upcoming
bonding ceremony of one Golden Slayer and her little Kitten. According to
last reports Holy Thunder had to make a stop off in Los Vegas to appear at
an arraignment hearing concerning one unnamed member of Holy Thunder and the
Demon Duck of New Orleans - that resulted in a small riot at one of Vegas'
larger and more respected casinos, that involved a feather duster, the
mistaking of the magicians Penn and Teller for being members of the
Riley-shipper hit-man and deprogramming squad, and the misuse of a hotel
drink cart as a boogie board in the hotel's swimming pool.

Item 3 Add-on:
Oddly enough the Shade-wearing Koala and one Shadow DeBatty, both known
members of Holy Thunder and known causers of city-wide riots involving the
supernatural, were not mentioned once in the indictment - both parties have
filed discrimination suits against the Hotel and the Vegas' police
department believing after such madness they just HAD to be involved somehow
and don't want to be left out of watching the judge pull his hair out as the
district attorney tires to prosecute them for the 'defeathering of the Demon
Duck of New Orleans'. DeBatty has released the following statement: "It's a
matter of pride and principle! No one can cause as much mischief and mayhem
in the world as my twin and I... well there is Alex Badger and the Silent
Panicky Gopher but they got named in the indictment and we were left out.
That is just dirty pool! We were there we know who throw the first punch
and who was yelling at the white tigers to take a bite out of Roy!"

Item 4:
In related news Daffy Duck and Donald Duck - no relation - were called
before a Grand Jury concerning the conspiracy to defeather the Demon Duck of
New Orleans... a plot that goes back nearly sixty years involving the famed
animated "Duck of the Year in Film and Cartoon Award" in which Daffy and
Donald were both snubbed in favour of the upstart Demon Duck of New Orleans
in the scandalous "Duck-foo" incident outside of Mann's Chinese Theatre that
resulted in Rodger Rabbit's wife, Jessica, getting slimed. While the source
of the slime has never been discovered it is rumoured among the animated
community that the Demon Duck of New Orleans engineered the whole thing in
order to discredit Donald and Daffy who at the time were engaged in a
semi-friendly rivalry that usually resulted in either Bugs Bunny or Mickey
Mouse having to bail one or the other out of jail at all hours of the night.
While Daffy and Donald have since patched up their somewhat volatile
friendship, the two entering into a business partnership to support and
promote wetland sanctuaries around the world and the call to have pink
flamingos banned as a cultural eyesore, the two are still bitter about being
screwed out of the Duck of the Year Award.

Rodger Rabbit was also called before the Grand Jury as a co-conspirator, it
is common knowledge that Mr. Rabbit used his lout and influence to have the
Demon Duck of New Orleans run out of the cartoon industry for the assault on
his wife. Rodger being the most vocal of the animated community on who was
responsible for the sliming, being a long time friend of both Donald and
Daffy he refused to believe that either of them would shame his wife in such
a manner. Mainly because both ducks knew without a doubt what Rodger would
do to them if they even thought about hurting his wife.

Item 5:
Why is there a giant naked {sans peel} banana currently running up and down
the path leading to Sunnydale Proper in the Woods Outback yelling: "The
steam... the steam... hid your garnishes the steam will get you" ?? While
the banana in question is well... a fruit {in more ways then one apparently}
I'm going to direct this to Tater... since most streaming deaths around here
are all vegetable related... you want to field this one my dear Tater??
Because I'm so NOT going to try to explain it... get a large hammer and turn
the naked banana into a rather large pile of mush and put it in Riley Finn's
bed most defiantly... but I'm not going to explain it.

Item 6:
Will the owner of the grey dodge currently parked on top of Poodle-boy
please move it? Your vehicle is making it hard for random acts of mutt-boy
torture and violence to happen without damaging the car that looks in pretty
good condition and since the Insurance Company we use in the Gutter gets
picky about paying for damage done to property that wasn't apart of
'documented' Slayer damage in the course of their sacred duty - meaning that
the chosen two have to be involved in some way and not that does not mean
they were watching. So if you don't mind please move the car so the angry
mob of 'What the hell IS Joss thinking... letting Spike touch Buffy' rioters
can have a crack at him.

Item 7:
Whoever stole the door to the office safe... return it!! There is nothing
kept in that safe except for the stapler refills and the 10,000,000
paperclips that Kimber is hording for some strange reason. All the really
interesting stuff is kept in safer locations... like the back-up liquor
cabinet that Kimber doesn't think we know about that is hidden in the false
wall in Quin's office. Like we wouldn't search his office first for the
backup liquor cabinet!

Item 8:
There is no item 8 - got carried away with the numbering again.

Item 9:
:: Small furry little mischief making monster puts on party hat and grabs
nose maker - in this case a small grey fox that is grinning from ear to ear
:: Ladies and Gentlemen, Humans and Were-beasts of the Gutter and Woods
Outback - I officially declare this the month of the Koala! Let the block
party begin and be sure to properly welcome him home when he officially pops
his head in to see what we're all up to - it should be later this week... he
hopes sometime around the 5th or 6th - depending on how fast he gets his
internet connection back!

And remember - have a happy and safe month long block party and for the love
of the gods don't take directions from any stray Riley-shipper... there is
no telling where you'd end up! And above all else - stay out of the Amazon
bathing hut unless properly invited by one of the frisky royal guards.

That is all we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.



Shadow -

Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy
Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma.
Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn.
Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark MIstress of
Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member
of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member
of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002

AIM screen name: ShadowDrake
Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow
MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}
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