Fic: Names, 1/1

["angelslilgurl2002" <Amandab9@xxxxxxx>]

Title: Names
Author: Amandab9@xxxxxxx
Rating: R
Shipper: mention of past Willow/Buffy
Summary: Willow thinks about her new name, old life, and friends' 
death.
Disclaimer: I sadly do not own them. Joss and everyone over at UPN 
still gets to have their fun  for now!
Distribution: Near Her Always. Anyone who else wants just ask.
Spoilers: Season six, after Hell's Bells.
Warning: This story contains character death and mention of f/f 
intercourse.
___________________________________________________________________

I once was told that you could tell a lot from someone's name and I 
really believe that they were right.

Look at my name; Joan. It isn't the name I was born with, of course, 
but none of my current "friends" know that and probably never will. 

Joan. Simple, common, and nothing like my old life. Nothing like my 
life with HER. 

She took over everything during that time. When I needed a new name 
I knew I wanted something usual, something easy to blend in with. 
Something that wasn't Buffy or Anne.

Joan didn't come to me immediately. At first I was thinking of 
becoming Jennifer, Alexandra, or Jessica. I wanted something to 
remind me of what will always be home but I had to say it without 
bursting into tears. Jennifer would have me crying over the terrible 
way my old teacher died at the hands of a sometimes-friend. 
Alexandra would find me brawling over my long time best friend, 
Alexander La Ville Harris, who died from his own hands. Jessica 
would remind me of my oldest life, the one it takes the most effort 
to remember. The life before the weird was normal, before HER, it 
would be the first death that touched me. My dear Jessie.

Of course, Joan was HER too, but it wasn't. I remember the spell I 
cast and how terribly wrong it went. We all lost our memories and 
Buffy had to re-name herself. She chose Joan even though it was the 
opposite of what she is. Was.

She was strong, unique, proud, and fought for good hard enough to get 
her killed three times. And she was my first love.

The funny thing is, the first time I saw her I didn't like her. Even 
though we spent six and a half years as friends, and sometimes 
lovers, when I first saw her I was jealous.

I hated how her perfect blonde hair  which I would later delight in 
running my hands through  gleamed with the `in' style that I could 
never possess. I hated how her clothes were cool and fit tight but 
didn't make her look at all like a slut. But mostly I hated how best 
bud Xander noticed all these things instead of me.

She was my first, but I wasn't hers. It was during the night Angelus 
had been sent to hell. She showed up at the glass door that leads to 
my bedroom. I had just been released from the hospital and still had 
a lot of bruises and scars but, even with only one visual cut, Buffy 
looked worse than I did.

I let her in and she cried for a long time. Not once during her sobs 
did she mention that Angelus had gone back to Angel right before 
going to hell or that she had a packed suitcase waiting outside for 
her to leave as soon as she was done with me. I didn't find these 
things out until much, much later.

While she was crying I just held her. Suddenly, she looked up at me 
and the sight of her beautiful eyes filled to the rim with tears 
almost made me cry with her. She leaned forward all the way, shut 
her eyes, and kissed me right on the lips.

I thought about Oz, who was being nothing but supportive to me. But 
thinking of Oz made me thing of how much better kissing Buffy was 
than kissing him so I stopped. Besides, if I dwelled on that I would 
begin to feel guilty and right now all I was to busy and happy to 
think about cheating on loyal boyfriends.

She didn't open her eyes the entire time. Never said my name, even 
though I was repeating hers over and over, trying to stay quiet so my 
parents wouldn't wake up. But I didn't mind her mental distance, I 
never did. Despite the fact Buffy would repeat the same closed of 
manner every time whenever she felt too hurt or frail, that she never 
talked about us, and that she was "straight"; I still let her come 
cry to me and use me a lot over those remaining four years.

Her death was slow and painful. A demon had infected her with 
something extremely toxic to humans. There was no cure that we could 
find, even with Giles' help, and after her half-hearted fight against 
death for three days, she died in her bed. Dawn refused to go back 
in that room for the rest of her time living in that house. Until 
her father suddenly emerged and decided he could fit her into his new 
life. He never did apologize for not coming to Joyce or Buffy's 
funeral&

Giles went back to England the first chance he had but I can't blame 
the poor guy. Every time her is in America he gets hurt. Anya had 
completely disappeared after her almost wedding so we couldn't find 
her to invite her to the funeral.

Xander couldn't take it. He had lost Anya and Buffy in a span of a 
month. Then Xander lost his job because of cutbacks and with him 
taking so many days off; he was at the top of the list. After a 
while of depression and cutting himself off from the rest of the 
world, suicide seemed like the best option.

I just had to leave Sunnydale. It was than when I first understood 
why Buffy left for the city after our first night together. However, 
she made a mistake by going to a packed city. I went to a small town 
in Maine where no one working in Angel Investigations has found me 
yet. I know Cordelia, Wesley, Angel, and others who I met once when 
Buffy died the second time are looking for me. I know they have been 
for five years now.

The ironic part is that the last time I was in Sunnydale - right 
before I left physically, although mentally I had been planning my 
escape for a while  Tara and Spike were the only ones left fighting 
evil. It's funny that Tara - who was never really a Scoobie, or at 
least not an original one - and Spike - who used to be the Big Bad - 
are the ones saving the world on a regular basis. 

"Joan Autumn Rednax! I've got a surprise for you!" calles Danielle, 
my current girlfriend. She uses my full name and you can tell how 
much I miss home from it. 

You can tell I miss Buffy and Dawnie and Joyce because I thought of 
their last name, Summers, and changed the season for my middle name. 
You can tell I miss Xander because if you flip my last name you'll 
find his nickname. 

You could also tell I miss Oz. Not from my name, but hers. Daniel 
Osborn will always hold a place in my heart as well.

Like I said, you can tell a lot by someone's name.


===>Amanda<===