FIC: STILL STRUGGLING (4/4?) PG-13/R

[Red Willow <nick_elodian@xxxxxxxxx>]

Title: Still Struggling
Author: Red Willow
Email: St8sboroblues@xxxxxxxxx or nick_elodian@xxxxxxxxx
Disclaimer: All characters and references to belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and all them
other folks <G> I'm just using them to make my own little fun. However the story belongs to me
only. You may post or distribute only with permission from and credit to me.
So just ask <G> And if you don't like the idea of Willow and Buffy together then... why are you
reading this?
Rating: PG-R (as it might progress from one to the other)
Pairing: Willow/Buffy
Summary: Buffy struggles over her feelings for Willow and stumbles upon something interesting...
This is part 4 in a 4 part (though possibly more) series. Thoughts will be
expressed in < and > brackets... This covers some info from Seasons 2-4
Hope you enjoy. Feedback? I thrive on of feedback.

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Well& she starts, touching my hand with her fingers, drawing little imaginary circles there like
the ones she was drawing around my heart a few minutes ago. What about Riley? Oh, him. <you knew
that was coming& yesterday you wouldnt have had to explain anything> But this is good. Assess
the situation.
I dont love him if thats what youre asking.
Oh well& um& its just that& I mean like, youve been& Riley, 24/7 lately, ya know?
Will& I entwine my fingers with hers. look, Im sorry I havent been here for you& especially
right after Oz left& a-and obviously you were& going through something huge.. with uh.. I mean..
Tara&
She looks down between us, I-ts&ok&
No! no its not ok Will. She looks up at me surprised by my flare of emotion. You needed me
and I totally wasnt here& I like.. totally baled on you& I take a deep breath, letting the air
out slowly. The truth is, I havent been around much because of& my feelings for you. I was
scared that& that I wouldnt hold out& that Id be like, all comfort Buffy a-and Id like kiss you
or something. I was way scared of& scaring you& of losing you. B-but I mean, obviously, I didnt
know how you felt& or that, you were even, into girls& like, at all
I know it was a shock& Shes stroking the top of my thumb with hers. I-it was a shock to me
actually. I-mean, not so much that I liked girls& cause uh& hello& huge in love with Buffy thing
going on here& b-but I guess it kind of shocked me that& I would give in& to& stuff?
Give in? Now Im really paying attention. <is she saying what I think shes saying?> Please
Willow. Dont tell me youve slept with Tara.
Shes really nice and I could can really talk to her.. weve got a lot of things in common& I
guess we& just kind of connected& it really wasnt anything I was looking for&
Oh&.  I trail off my eyes moving very much downward. <you waited too long&>
I guess she realized what I was thinking because immediately she jumped at explaining. Oh.. No!
No&. Buffy, I-its nothing like that& I mean.. magick&
Huh?
Magically& I mean.. Tara and me& me and Tara& we connected like, because were witches& shes
really powerful&. a-and I guess, I mean, theres attraction there& yes& I admit that& and shes
really kewl to talk to& but&. I mean& it doesnt compare& I mean like& at all.
Still not sure. So youve& I mean, you guys& <oh please, she has a right& HELLO& youre boffing
Riley every chance you get> Please say no&
Oh&well, no& not like& ya know, all the way or anything& but weve& ya know.. fooled around&
definite smoochies&
Ohh& I say a little bit more relieved. I can handle kissing. I think.
Are you upset? Oh god, there is unmistakable concern and fear in her voice. I look at her face
and shes really worried. I draw my hand from under hers and bring it to her face, stroking her
cheek.
Oh Will& no, no definitely not. <liar> Its just that& the thought of you with anyone else&
I-ts always kind of tortured me&
Even Oz&?
Especially Oz.
Why?
Because it wasnt me& <you dont think she feels the same way?>
Oh& She leans up and kisses me lightly on the lips, deliberately breaking our no touching/no
kissing rule& but hey, I dont really mind. Again that tingly sensation all over my body. I am
fully aware that I want every inch of Willows naked body against mine. Well& I-I guess thats
how Ive been kinda feeling about you and Riley&. only Im kinda like& thoughtgirl& I have to
think about everything, process& I just figured& well& as long as you were happy&
But Im not Will. I got off with Riley to try to get you out of my head& but it doesnt work.
I always think about you& even when were& I mean& when Riley and I& are& But I cant finish.
<yup, freak-0>
She doesnt say anything, just lies there mulling over my words. She puts her hand on my
stomach, rubbing it softly with the back of her hand.
Buffy& if we& I mean if you still want to& with me& are you& I mean, will you&see Riley again?
My eyes shoot to her face. She really thinks I would? And yes, she does. The concern is deeply
rooted on her face, in her eyes. <tell her no! call that prick right now and tell him to..> Tell
him Im in love with my best friend? <Or run and hide from the world and tell him its not him
its you.. you need some space& yadda yadda yadda&.> Whatever. Of course Im not going to see him
again.
No. I lean closer to her, wrapping my arm around her side. I kiss her forehead and look into
deep green pools of worry. Please dont be scared Will& I want to be with you&. I want to make
love to you right now& and I want to be& with you& like a& relationship? I mean& if you want to.
She only nods, continuing to study my eyes. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy. Riley
is the least of your concerns Will. I promise. He& hes a nice guy& but he means nothing to me.
Now I see it finally, some reassurance flooding back into those enticing eyes. I love you Willow,
you mean everything in the world to me. I would never hurt you& again& or let anyone else hurt
you.
I know. she says warmly, wrapping her arm around me this time, pulling me a little closer.
Now& what about Tara?
She scrunches up her face, worried. I dont want to hurt anyone Buffy.
I know Will& but&
But I want to be with you. Completely. A-and if that means hurting Tara& But she doesnt
finish because she doesnt like the idea of hurting anyone& well anyone as nice as Tara seems to
be. But thats my Will, part of why I love her so much. Always thinking of others. Ill just
tell her& the truth I guess& shell understand& I think& I hope. I just hope she still wants to
be friends though. She really is pretty cool to hang out with&. and the whole magic thing.
She seems pretty nice.
She really is Buff. I think youll really like her& if&once you&ya know, get to know her.
Youve got a pretty good taste in people Will& Im sure I will.
We smile, gazing into each others eyes for a few moments before she leans forward and kisses me
with more passion and emotion than I ever thought could exist.
So&  She gasps, wrapping her leg over my hip. We turn so that Im on my back and shes
practically straddling me, kissing deeply again, her hands planted on either side of me.
So& I repeat, sliding my hands up her sides. Does this mean were through with talking?
Uh huh& She says very sexily and I become a body of tingles& <finally!!>


We kiss deeply for several minutes, the heat rising again between us. I am only acutely aware
that the room has become dimmer since we first started this afternoon. I dont care what time it
is though. Time has no place her with us. Right now, right here, this is Willow time and I give
myself to her completely.
We break the kiss and she fully straddles me, each knee planted firmly on the bed. She sits up,
resting on my abdomen. She looks down at me, a few locks of her hair hanging down oh so sexy like
around her face. Im looking up at her, just admiring. I place my hands on either knee and slowly
start their ascent up her legs. I stop briefly at her stomach, tugging at her shirt while asking
with my eyes if I can take it off. She just smiles and I slide my fingers underneath the fabric.
Hot skin greets me and its all I can do not to just rip it off. I slide her shirt up, my hands
running their course on either side of her breasts. She leans forward, arms outstretched, as I
pull the shirt off. God shes beautiful. I kiss her fingertips, then I run my hands up her
stomach again, up her sides, then her breasts. The moment I touch them she moans softly, leaning
her head back. I slowly massage them, trailing my fingertips over her nipples, amazed at how hard
they are. She reaches behind her and unclasps the strap. I tug at the white cotton material and it
falls freely. I just toss it on the floor and continue with my exploration of her round firm
breasts.
I cup each breast in my hands, rubbing her nipples with my thumbs, in gentle, slow circles.
Shes moaning softly. She leans forward a little so that her hair falls in her face again, and
touches my cheek while I continue to stroke her nipples, only now, applying a little more
pressure. She runs her thumb along my wet lips and I lick the tip with my tongue. She runs her
thumb over my lower lip, pulling it a little, before returning to where my tongue is waiting. She
slips her thumb into my mouth and I suck on it briefly, nibbling the tip gently.
I move my hands away from her breasts and grab both of her arms then. Her eyes fly open and she
looks at me, but I just grin at her mischievously. I lean her back enough so that she moves her
legs out beside me, then I sit up, with her still on my lap. She wraps one arm around my back and
the other she puts behind my head. Her neck is eye level and thats the first thing I go for.
Tiny little teasing bites. I pull at her nipples intermittently while nibbling, licking, and
sucking her neck. Her moans grow louder as I pull and rub her nipples more. She slides her hands
to my chest, unbuttoning my shirt. I pull away from her just for a second, and rip at it,
breaking the buttons. I dont care. I want my skin to connect to hers. I want to feel her heart
beating her mine hers. She unclasps my bra as well and pulls it free. My breasts fall out and I
give her a second to take them in with her eyes before I lean into her again, attacking her
breasts and neck. She strokes my breasts, finding my nipples quickly and going to work on them.
She rolls them between her fingers and pulls at them, mostly softly, but sometimes hard, sending
shivers straight to my&
Oh god Willow&.
I work my way back down her neck, down her chest, leaving little, warm kisses along the way. I
take one nipple in my mouth, running my tongue over it, licking it. I suck gently then hard,
following her hand movements on my own breasts, while I continue to stroke the other with my hand.
I go back and forth, licking and sucking one while stroking the other.
She pulls my face up and our lips meet again, kissing hungrily, groping each other furiously. I
have this deep burning need to touch her, every inch of her, inside and out. I flip us over,
strutting my slayer strength, until shes on her back and Im on top now, her legs wrapped around
me. I look down at her half unclad form and just take a moment to admire her. I smiles widely
and look in her eyes. She meets them and blushes.
Aww, I start, putting my hand on her cheek. She moves her head a bit and kisses my hand. Are
you scared? I ask her.
She shakes her head and reaches up to my face with her hand, placing her fingers on my lips. I
kiss them before she trails them down my neck, and back down my chest to my waist. But these&
off& would help. She finally says, grinning.
Yes maam&! I say hopping up. I pull of my jeans, tearing off my satin panties in the process.
I give her no time to admire however as I snatch at her belt-buckle, loosening the stud and
pulling away her own pants and panties. I look down at her. Shes a little embarrassed, I know.
I just smile and say, Ive seen you practically naked before you know.
You have? she asks pulling me on top of her.
Well, in P.E. anyway& I say grinning widely.
You were checking me out! she says accusingly, but playful.
Oh, like you werent!?
I dont know what youre talking about&. Im seldom naughty.
I just look at her with my eyebrow cocked. Come here you&
I bring her right leg up so that my right thigh is nestled in her crotch. She moans, biting her
lower lip as all thoughts of P.E. are forgotten. She mimics my movement, nudging my crotch with
her own leg. We lay like this for several minutes as we kiss, our tongues once again exploring
each others mouths. Her hands go up and down my back, scraping tiny fingernails over my
shoulders, while I scrape my own down the back of her leg to her butt cheek, where I grip it
briefly before climbing back up. I begin to push my thigh against her in a slow rhythm with our
kissing and she lets out a loud moan, breaking the kiss, while digging her nails into my back.
She reacts my bouncing her leg up slightly where it makes contact with my own throbbing self and I
hang my head low, my face on her shoulder.
Oh&. Jesus Willow& I begin to slide my hand along her inner thigh to that point of no return.
Im aware that were both sweating now. I can feel the hair around my neck damp with it, as I can
feel Willows inner thigh almost slick. She moans in anticipation, running her hand down to my
ass. I know she wants me to, but I feel compelled to ask anyway. Can I&?
Oh&. Buffy&. Im so wet& she whispers in my ear and thats all I need. I plunge my fingers
between soft, swollen lips into hot, syrupy, Willowy goodness and Im lost there,
OH MY GOOOO&&.mmmm biting her lower lip again, she grabs onto my shoulders holding me close as
I move my fingers in small circles. Her leg moves against me and I cant help but create my own
rhythm against her thigh. We moan together, she reaches down and rubs my nipple with one of her
hands as the other stays firmly clasped onto my shoulder. I kiss her neck, her chest, work my way
back up to her ear. She turns her head slightly and whispers I love you& between moans before
latching onto my ear and nibbling the earlobe. Her saying those words with me between her legs
becomes like a surge shot straight to my heart, and then to my hand. I slide two fingers insider
her, slowly at first, which is followed by her plea for more. I stop my own rhythm on her thigh,
feeling myself get close, and not wanting to before she even has a chance to touch me. I tease
her a bit with my thumb then thrust my fingers in deep. She bucks. Both hands on my shoulders
again, she arches her back and begins riding my hand as I thrust into her deeply. I quicken my
pace, although Im scared to hurt her. Her moans of pleasure and movements below me assure me
that Im not hurting her however and I pour my heart and emotions into making her feel good. I
wrap my left arm around her, sliding it between her sweaty back and the bed, raising her up
towards me some as I get a better position on my knees. In and out I thrust as our breasts rub
together and our lips brush occasionally, until a second before she explodes she pulls my mouth to
hers, plunging her tongue into my mouth. She holds on like that, moaning so loudly through our
kiss I think I will lose her but she holds on, never leaving my lips as her hips buck against my
hand and her own hands create tiny half-moon cuts along my shoulders.
She finally breaks off the kiss, hanging her head back, panting. I lay her back on the bed and
lay on top of her, my face nuzzled against her neck.
That&was&oh&so&good& she manages to get out between breaths
I love you Willow& I love you so much I breath into her ear.
I know you do. I love you like no one Ive ever loved.
I start to nuzzle her neck but without warning she grabs the front of my thigh, scratching her
nails into it, though not enough to hurt& bad. I look at her surprised and she looks back with
nothing but lust in her eyes. I want to touch. And who am I to argue? I plan on moving off
her, letting her have room, but she stops me when I lean back, getting on my knees again, putting
her hand on my chest. She guides me back down to her as I feel her hand stroke the inside of my
thigh. I hold myself up by my arms, one on either side of her. She wraps her left arm around my
waist as I feel her fingers slide between my&. OH MY GOD <ohmygodohmygodtimes3>
I spread my legs a bit wider, allowing her total access and am overwhelmed by the sensations that
flood my body. Shes tender at first, exploring ever wet crease and curve. Driving me crazy.
You feel so good& she tells me almost in wonder.
Uh..HUH& is all I can get out because she starts to begin a rhythm of small circles <she likes
those small circles> sending waves of pleasure and urgency down my legs and into my stomach. I
know it wont be long. I was already ready to burst when I was riding her thigh. And I feel it
build, rotating my hips to match her rhythm. Then down and away until I feel her thrust up deep
inside me, and its all I can do not to scream out. I bury my face in her chest, moaning her name,
moving my right hand to her neck, my thumb on her cheek. I move my hips up and down meeting her
new thrusts until she slides her fingers out and returns to those small circles, only this time,
they are more heated, faster. And then the explosion. This ultimate release of pent up lust and
emotion that could only be tapped by Willow.
I slump on top of her again, her hand dancing across my thigh to my back where she wraps her
other arm around me as well and holds me tight.
Willow& I nuzzle her now, holding her as tight as she is holding me.
Yeah& she strokes my hair with one hand, and kisses me lightly on my forehead.
Can we do that again? I ask smiling.
She giggles and hugs me tight. I-Id like to&.just lay here for a little while if& if thats
ok&
Ok&. as long as Im with you& I dont care.
Good.
But Will/
Yeah Buff?
Can we still do that again&. later on?
If youre good& she says teasingly.


<So this is what it all means then. This is what it all comes down to. Struggling with a
realization, a need, a love that consumes& pain, anger, fear, passion& want, desire& but most of
all, pure love. True love. A connecting of minds and a touch of hearts. I lover her completely,
wholly& As she does me. All these years of fear, of doubt, shame and guilt. All these unbidden
emotions, struggling to break free. And here, finally it all sits, bundled up into a great ball
of passion on the verge of release& and we release it. The dream becomes a reality. My prison
door has swung wide open and there she stands before me, holding out her hands, baring her heart
and soul for me. I walk into her arms and I am free. I finally come home.>

I love you Willow&


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listen, i got some decent ideas on how to continue this little piece a little further.. if you
guys are interested... let me know and i'll see what i can do, though it would be at least another
week as im working on something else right now... anyway.. hope you enjoyed the story...
RW



=====
"What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound
anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that
as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like
beautiful music"
-Soren Kierkegaard

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