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Casandra,
I've just finished reading "Much More' for
the third time. I guess that 'kinda' gives you a clue as to how much I
like it. You have managed to touch a yearning in the B/W mystique that
touches my spirit.
thank you very much
-mike
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, June 06, 2002 9:22
PM
Subject: ::BuffyLovesWillow:: FIC:Much
More
Hey gang, this is just a little ficclet thing I popped off
last night in about 2 hours. I'm very well it aware it's not that great,
but I thought I'd post it anyway. High mush factor, she be warned ;)
If I'm still having problems with the funny characters showing upin
the emails, here's the link to it at FF.Net: http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=821392
~~~~
Author: Casandra
Email: rozwellrulz@xxxxxxx
Disclaimer:
Wouldn't I love to own em! But of course I don't, how much does that
suck? Everything herein belongs to Mr. Whedon, Mutant Enemy, yada yada
yada.
Rating: PG-13. What can I say, I still haven't gotten up the courage
to try my hand at naughtiness
Warning: If the idea of two grown
woman in a loving romantic relationship gives you the squicks, well then you
better avert your eyes.
Distribution: If you want it, feel free.
Just drop me an email to let me know where it's going.
Feedback:
Always welcome and appreciated.
Spoilers: Big one's for 'Choices'
and anything up to that . I may reference, I may not, so fair warning.
Pairing: Buffy/Willow
Summary: Willow wonders what made Buffy trade
the Box of Gavrok for her life. Willow's POV
Author's Note: Well thisone
is bound to be really short. I was watching 'Choices' the other night
and I often wondered what might have occurred during the girls mocha
indulgence. This is my take on it. And be warned, I got fairly mushy.
Dedication: Many thanks to Stef for having a once over on it for me, and
just for being a great supportive friend, you're the best :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ahh, nothing like nice mocha goodness to top off a deep and meaningful
with Buffy. And it was definitely one of those intense deep and
meaningful's. Buffy said she loved me! Ok, well not completely, she
actually said she kind of loved me, but hey, love was in there! I mean
what exactly is the distinction between 'kind of' love and just plain old
love? Is there really one or was she just trying to be casual and threw
in the kind of but she really does love me more than kind of?
Whew,
ok, that was bad even for me. I had thought that I was starting to get
the babbling under control, but apparently not, because I actually think I
tired myself out with that one. I guess I was more excited about Buffy's
declaration than I had originally thought. I mean sure I was flattered,
when she told me I was trying so hard not to blush straight down to my toes.
Although the little laugh I gave her might have been a bit of a hint.
And I was so thrown off by it that I didn't even say it back! I've
loved Buffy in some form or another almost since that first day I met her.
And what do I do when she says she loves me back? I giggle a
little and then launch into a babble about becoming a bad ass Wicca. One
time I should have let my mouth run away from me I didn't. And I can't
figure out why. Is there something I shouldn't be telling Buffy about my
feelings for her?
Ok, so yes, I already know the answer to that one.
When I said I loved Buffy in one way or another, well it's the
'another' part that has me in a jam now. I've loved Buffy just
about from the beginning. She came up to me, asked me for help, andwhen
I warned her that it would cost her Cordelia's status and possible friendship
she just sort of shrugged her shoulders and stayed put.
Next to me.
She stayed with me that day.
Instead of Cordelia.
No one, not
even Xander, had ever done something so nice for me. And I knew then,
that I would never be able to leave her side. She chose me, I choseher
in return, it's really that simple. Even after I found out who she
really was I didn't want to leave her. If anything it made me want to
stay with her more. To go through the literal hell that we have these
last few years. And I would never trade an instant of it. I was by
her side, I became her best friend, and no matter how many times I've been
hurt, how many times I've had the daylights scared out of me, how many people
I've seen die because of the evil in this world, I would never change
anything. Because she was there with me. She made everything all
right.
She stayed by me then, I'm staying with her now.
I've
lied very few times in my entire life, and only once from recollection did I
ever lie to Buffy. Well it's twice now. When I told her I was
staying on the Hellmouth and going to UC Sunnydale she tried to talk me out of
it. Big surprise there. I knew she would, she's always been so
protective of me. I honestly don't know why I lied to her about whyI
was staying. Of course it's because of her, come on, who was I kidding?
Faith brought me to a big revelation?
I think not.
I've actually had my mind made up from the beginning.
Sure I applied to Harvard and Yale and all the Ivy league schools you
can count off on your fingers, but I never had any intention of setting up
roots at any of them. Leave Buffy to fight all on her own to go andbe
some brainiac computer whiz in a sea of braniac computer whiz's? Easy
choice, not even a choice really.
But Buffy, she has to make
these hard, life altering choices on a constant daily basis. I don't
know how she does it. I probably know her better than anybody on earth,
and I still have no clue how she can do it. And I know she loves me, I
mean hello, she just told me, but I can't figure out why she made the choice
she did the other night. The one that saved me. I had pretty much
figured I was gonna be toast as soon as I felt Faith grab me. I had
hoped that Buffy and Angel had made it out of the building with the Box of
Gavrok, but I was under no delusions that I would be so lucky. So I
figured I better make the most of it on the very slim chance I did get
to see my best friend again. And hey, I got to give a piece of my mind
to Faith in the process, you know, for her 'stealing my people' and all that.
My jaw actually still is a bit achy at the moment, but it was so worth
it. Never did I expect the Mayor to get a call from the gang offering a
trade.
Trade the box for me? You've got to be kidding right?
I mean, destroy the box and the world is saved. No Ascension, no
massacre on Graduation Day, everyone gets to live, except for me of course.
Apparently that wasn't a consequence Buffy was willing to take.
And in that moment, when Buffy was facing off with the Mayor, Faith
holding that knife against my jugular, everything just became so clear.
That was the moment when `thing's just kinda got clear'. Not
facing off with Faith. It was when I looked into Buffy's eyes and saw
how scared she really was. Scared for me. In that instant I realized
even if I wanted to, I'd never be able to leave her. I love her.
Two days ago I loved Buffy, but after my little adventure I've
realized it's so much more.
I'm in love with her too.
So basically I lied to her about why I was staying, I didn't tell
her I loved her back when she said it, and I'm rambling away in my own head
about it while she's staring at me like I've sprouted some kind of antlers.
Maybe they have some kind of therapy group for people like me.
"Will?"
"What's up Buffy?" Good plan, act like nothing's
wrong.
"Why don't you tell me. For the last five minutes you
looked like you were debating with Einstein or something. What wereyou
thinking about?" She has this sweet concerned little smile on her face.
She knows how I can get caught up in my own thoughts sometimes, but
every once in a while I think I worry her with it.
"Oh it was nothing
Buff, you know me, started babbling in my head, kind of got stuck on a
tangent, no big deal." Ok, lie number three, well, sort of. No big
deal, yeah right!
"Care to share with me?" Uh no, I think not.
Telling Buffy I love her is not the best thing I could do right now.
Ranks right up there with going out after dark without a stake and holy
water.
"No, it's not that important." Liar!
"Will,
anything that has to do with you is important. I know something is
bothering you. This is Buffy, remember? I'm your best friend,I
can tell when you're hiding something." I know she can tell, because
since I don't lie very often I haven't had much practice. Which pretty
much means I suck at it. Then of course there is the whole knowing me
better than anybody thing she has going.
"Why did you trade the Box of
Gavrok for me?" Whoa! Where did that question come from?
Apparently I've been giving it more thought than even I'm willing to admit.
But I still can't quite grasp the reason behind it. Sure, I'mher
best friend, she loves me, but she was willing to trade the chance at saving
the world, willing to trade her mother and the entire gang, just for me.
Maybe I'm hoping for a miracle, but I guess I just have to wonder if
maybe her love runs as deep as mine does for her.
She's all flustered
now, and it only piques my curiosity more.
"Well Will, I mean, why
wouldn't I? You're my best friend, I couldn't just let Faith kill you
could I?"
"But Buffy, the Mayor has the box now,
he's going to try this Ascension thing, we all could die in a few
weeks." Ok, way to make her feel guilty for saving your life Willow,
nice job.
"'Thanks for the reminder Will." Ok, can't say I enjoy
bitter defeated Buffy, but I had it coming.
"You could have endedit
all by destroying that box. And you didn't. You risked everyone
else's lives to save me. And I just can't understand why you would do
that."
"How can you even ask me that Will?" Wow, she looks kinda
mad. I didn't say it to make her pissed off.
"I just don't get
it Buffy. You traded the world for me. Why?"
"It was you
Willow, how could I not?" She gazed at me, her green eyes penetrating my
own, willing me to see the unspoken words. I guess I wasn't quick on the
uptake because she continued before I had a chance to contemplate her meaning.
"We can still beat the Mayor, we just have to figure out how. But
if we would have destroyed the box they would have killed you.
That wasn't something I was willing to let happen."
"But Buffy,
it could have all ended. In the grand scheme of things, my life isn't
that important when it comes to the entire town, the entire world." Sure I
don't want to die, but I don't want thousands of people to die because ofme
either.
"It is to me. You're the most important thing in the
world to me Will, don't you understand that?"
"I guess I don't."
Ok, that was just a selfish fishing expedition, because I'm really
trying to get her to admit to something that I'm not sure is even there in the
first place.
Buffy gets up out of her stool across the table fromme
and slides it over closer, in fact she's practically sitting on my lap.
She takes my hand gently into her own warm ones and I can't help but
wonder if I have better intuition than I thought. Or is that luck?
Am I about to become the luckiest girl in Sunnydale?
"Will,if
you would have died the other night, if I would have let you go to save
everyone else, it would have killed me. In those moments when I thought
that there was no way I was going to get you back, before I thought of trading
the box, I felt like I was dying inside. Just the thought that I'd never
get to see you again was tearing me apart inside. Honestly I don't know
how I got through that night without just completely breaking down." I
was shocked to see that she was starting to cry, her eyes edged in silver
tears, slowly making their way down her cheeks in small rivulets. I
reached up and gently wiped one away, not even aware that I'm still gently
cupping her cheek. "I couldn't not make that trade Willow, it wasn't
even an option to me. Nothing else mattered. Not the world, not
Giles, not Angel, not anybody. Just you. You were all that
mattered. You've always been what mattered most to me. Now doyou
understand?"
Wow. I mean, just, wow. I can't believe I
mean that much to her.
"Even more than Angel?" I couldn't help
it, even after what she just said I couldn't believe that I was worth more to
her than even Angel. I mean she's in love with him, right?
"More
than anybody."
I have to say it, I can't not say it after all that.
I held back once, not again. She needs to know.
"I love
you." There.
"I know, even if you didn't say it before backat
school, I knew."
"No, I don't think you do." Well,
might as well jump in with both feet if I'm jumping at all.
"Whatdo
you mean?" Huh, she's got this small little smile on her face, actually
it almost looks like a smirk. It's the same smirk that she gave Wesley a
couple of weeks ago when she could read our thoughts.
"I don't just
love you, I'm in love with you Buffy." Ohmygod!Ohmygod!Ohmygod! DidI
actually really say that? Oh god I did!
She leans in closerto
me and places her hand atop my own that is still somehow resting on her cheek.
And before I know what's happening I feel a soft pair of lips gently
brush mine. And when I don't protest she deepens the kiss, bringingher
free hand to the back of my neck and holding us together. Much too soon
the need for oxygen forces us to separate, but not far, she's still resting
her forehead against my own.
"I know Will, I know." She again places a
soft lingering kiss on my lips before drawing back and tracing my jaw line
with her fingertips. "I love you too. Understand now?"
And
I do, I finally understand. She loves me! More than kind of, so
much more than kind of. I nod my head gently, and smile so wide I think
I must have dislocated my jaw.
"Good." She drops one more peck
onto my slightly swollen lips before grabbing my hand and dragging me outof
my stool. "What do you say to a sleepover? Mom is on a business
trip until Monday morning, which means we've got all weekend to make surethat
you completely understand absolutely everything!"
Wow, I think Buffy
just propositioned me! Hey, who am I to argue with the mighty Slayer?
Besides, the Ascension can wait, just for now. I intend to show my
hero just how grateful I am to her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy:"I could wrestle naked in grease for a living and still be
cleaner than after a shift at the Doublemeat."
Willow:"Plus, I'd
visit you at work every single day."
-'Normal Again' Shooting
Script
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