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TO: All department heads, United Vegetable Empire, and all other interested parties. FROM: Director of Public Safety SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for August 2002
Yes it is that time once again when we all gather to recap the mischief and mayhem that some of our more intrepid List-sibs have gotten into without inviting others to share in allthe chaos created. While I have gotten complaints from some Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers about not being included in all of the mischief and mayhem, I must point out to those individuals that most of the more…. ‘interesting’ activities involving theknown list troublemakers – as it were – are posted on the Gutter bulletin board near the indoor waterfall in the lobby of the Gutter and Woods Outback Shrine to All Things Sharp, Pointy and Destructive. With that said on with the recap… and some of you out there have A LOT of explaining to do! :: glares meaningfully at certain unnamed Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers ::
Item 1: In regards to therumour that the Woods Outback Veterinarian is some kind of evilly insane demon that likes to torture defenceless forest creatures. First off, if you guys think for a moment I’m going to believe ANY of you are DEFENCELESS you’re crazy. Please, in the future when you are trying to get petitions signed do not have the Shade Wearing Koala as the first name on the list. Samuel is not even defenceless inhis sleep. :: points to incidentreport about a Koala assaulting an alarm clock with a double barrel shotgun :: Granted the alarm clock going offat 3 in the morning was down right evil of the person who reprogrammed it; the clock in question do not warrant being blown into billions of little pieces nor having Sam reload twice with armour piercing bullets to ensure it would not raise again fearing the creation of the dreaded zombie alarm clock.
Second off, no matter how hard you guys protest… you have to go and get your yearly check-up, if only to ensure none of the Commando Twit Dullness has managed to jump species and infect forest animals and/or humans. And yes that includes getting the booster shots, CTD {commando twit dullness} is an evil heinous disease that has no cure – only through preventative vaccinations can we ensure it does not spread. While it has not been scientifically proven – yet – it is generally accepted that CTD is a key factor in people growing up and becoming accountants, High School Principals and/or Vice-Principals, as well as being the leading cause of politicians.
Item 1 Add-on: Yes Samuel that means you still have go see the Gutter Vet and get your check up… and no you can’t wear your Samurai gearing during the physical… even if you are claiming tobe a master Samurai Koala.
Item 2: Radishes… hundreds of them all sliced, diced, and/or julienne was found in a vacant lot near the old tuna packing plant in what appears to be a gangland mass radish murder. Hey, I just report most of this stuff, I don’t try to explain and/or rationalize any of it. Some things are just best left to the United Vegetable Empire to deal with and/or explain. However, if I may make a suggestion to Tater… blame it all on Rodrigo our ever absent and quite made list-dad over on the BWW and BLW lists… he did it!
Item 3: Regarding the sighting of vampire-penguins in the Woods Outback. While there is no actual proof that these are the same penguins that Quin was harbouring in his office, the situation is being looked into. Further, since it is a well know fact that the vampire-penguin is a long and hated enemy of the vampire-lemming… we got those little buggers now too. At least report there as a mass of vampire-lemmings leaping off the roof of the Sunnydale motor lodge and into an empty swimming pool, we can only surmise that being vamps that they aren’t actually hurting themselves… much to the eternal annoyance of the vampire-penguins I’m told.
Item 4: Be aware of the necromancer that dwells near the demonic cabbages, while she is friendly for the most part to strangers, she does have a deep Riley hatred and does not see the humourin people mailing her Riley Fin action figures… of course who does? Further, according to rumour, the necromancer is apart of the small but determined – and some would argue demented – group that has sworn to bring the way cool crossover of Buffy: the Vampire Slayer and Dragonball Z to life! It’s alive, it’s alive I tell you….. alive!!!!
Item 4 Add-on: Small furry little mischief making bat arches an eyebrow at hyper other self before reclaiming keyboard and shooing away double to continue with the Gutter and Woods Outback report.
Item 5: Regarding the reports of a Shade wearing Koala clad in samurai armour and roaming the Ohio interstate in a neon coloured hover tank while blaring Queen’s “I Want It All”. Those reports are true… he was indeed tearing up Ohio in a hover tank as well as organizing a tri-county cow-tipping raid that lasted four nights. Further, there is an unconfirmed report that he snuck into a small Ohio town and replaced all the road signs with ones baring various Chinese curses and at least three dirty French limericks that cannot be translated with a straight face. Although it has been confirmed that he voluntarily left the state of Ohio and was not – aspreviously reported – escorted off the North American continent in chains.
Item 6: Will the person/persons responsible for encouraging the frisky dark slayer to partake in ‘naked hacker and cheerleader pouncing’ please stop? Faith doesn’t need your help in getting naked and pouncing on her favourite hacker and/or cheerleader.
Item 7: Regarding the confusion over the book entitled: “Naked, I Came” – apparently the title is a metaphor for the inner child of a balding middle aged man named Elmer and signifies his journey through a mid-life crisis. And is NOT signifying naked naughtiness between the slayer and her hacker as was originally hoped. The attack lawyers have been summoned – we’re suing this clown for getting our hopes up and for false advertising that title belongs on a good naughty book and not on a self-exploration book. {Fight the urge to comment on that one my dear twin… its just too easy to say aloud the rude comment that just crossed your mind when reading item7. Trust me… I made it way tooeasy for you.} :: insert big wicked looking grin here ::
Item 8: Regarding the CCTV {closed circuit television} equipment surrounding the demonic cabbage patch. Those cameras have been there for ages; although, technically they do belong to the UVE it has always been Gutter policy to keep a rather close eye on them at all times. However, taunting the demonic cabbages by dangling a cabbage patch doll over the pit is not common practice, no matter how much a certain unnamed Harley riding Wolf and a Shade wearing Koala who shall also remain nameless, think otherwise.
Item 9: Regarding the Silent Panicky Gopher and his new little boy. As with the birth of his first son, he will be packing pictures and he will be showing them to anyone in eyesight… without warning. Like before just let him show the pictures and ohh and ahh at the cute little rascal and he’ll leave you be for the most part. However, unlike his first little picture showing rampage, the Gopher has managed to get a laptop with Power Point loaded on it … and is now able to show HUNDREDS of snapshots of his little ones.
Item 9 Add-on: Silent Panicky Gopher wearing a miner’s helmet looks up from his photo sorting and sticks his tongue out at the furry little bat, before returning to his work.
That is all… we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.
Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark MIstress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}
"I donot brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002
AIM screenname: WolfFalke Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow} ICQ Number: 120681217 Web Page: http://shadowlander.topcities.com/
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