Re: ::BuffyWantsWillow:: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for August 2002

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO: All department heads, Director of Public Safety, and all other interested
parties.
FROM: United Vegetable Empire
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
August 2002


> Item 1:
> In regards to the rumour that the Woods Outback Veterinarian is some kind of
> evilly insane demon that likes to torture defenceless forest creatures.
> First off, if you guys think for a moment Im going to believe ANY of you
> are DEFENCELESS youre crazy. Please, in the future when you are tryingto
> get petitions signed do not have the Shade Wearing Koala as the first name
> on the list. Samuel is not even defenceless in his sleep. :: points to
> incident report about a Koala assaulting an alarm clock with a double barrel
> shotgun :: Granted the alarm clock going off at 3 in the morning was down
> right evil of the person who reprogrammed it; the clock in question do not
> warrant being blown into billions of little pieces nor having Sam reload
> twice with armour piercing bullets to ensure it would not raise again
> fearing the creation of the dreaded zombie alarm clock.
>
> Second off, no matter how hard you guys protest& you have to go
> and get your yearly check-up, if only to ensure none of the Commando Twit
> Dullness has managed to jump species and infect forest animals and/or
> humans. And yes that includes getting the booster shots, CTD {commando twit
> dullness} is an evil heinous disease that has no cure  only through
> preventative vaccinations can we ensure it does not spread. While it has
> not been scientifically proven  yet  it is generally accepted that CTD is
> a key factor in people growing up and becoming accountants, High School
> Principals and/or Vice-Principals, as well as being the leading cause of
> politicians.
>
> Item 1 Add-on:
> Yes Samuel that means you still have go see the Gutter Vet and get your
> check up& and no you cant wear your Samurai gearing during the physical&
> even if you are claiming to be a master Samurai Koala.

This item does not apply to members of the UVE. We are not animals, and
therefore the Veterinarian is not qualified to to treat us. We have our own
botanist for that. It has not been proven that CTD can be transmitted to
plants, but we're keeping everyone vaccinated just in case. This is a
separate vaccine, intended for plants only. Non-plant gutter dwellers who
show up at the botanist's will be reffered to the vet. Sorry guys, you
can't get out of the vet visit that way.



> Item 2:
> Radishes& hundreds of them all sliced, diced, and/or julienne was found in a
> vacant lot near the old tuna packing plant in what appears to be a gangland
> mass radish murder. Hey, I just report most of this stuff, I dont try to
> explain and/or rationalize any of it. Some things are just best left to the
> United Vegetable Empire to deal with and/or explain. However, if I may make
> a suggestion to Tater& blame it all on Rodrigo our ever absent and quite
> made list-dad over on the BWW and BLW lists& he did it!

This matter is currently under investigation. And yes, Rodrigo is a suspect.



> Item 3:
> Regarding the sighting of vampire-penguins in the Woods Outback. While
> there is no actual proof that these are the same penguins that Quin was
> harbouring in his office, the situation is being looked into. Further,
> since it is a well know fact that the vampire-penguin is a long and hated
> enemy of the vampire-lemming& we got those little buggers now too. At least
> report there as a mass of vampire-lemmings leaping off the roof of the
> Sunnydale motor lodge and into an empty swimming pool, we can only surmise
> that being vamps that they arent actually hurting themselves& much tothe
> eternal annoyance of the vampire-penguins Im told.

Have we considered filling the Sunnydale Motor Lodge swimming pool with holy
water? It would at least clear up the lemming problem.


> Item 8:
> Regarding the CCTV {closed circuit television} equipment surrounding the
> demonic cabbage patch. Those cameras have been there for ages; although,
> technically they do belong to the UVE it has always been Gutter policy to
> keep a rather close eye on them at all times. However, taunting the demonic
> cabbages by dangling a cabbage patch doll over the pit is not common
> practice, no matter how much a certain unnamed Harley riding Wolf and a
> Shade wearing Koala who shall also remain nameless, think otherwise.

A warning to the taunters, we do not approve of the use of cabbage patch
dolls for anything, especially taunting of the demonic cabbages. How do you
think the darn things got possessed in the first place? In order to avoid
generating even greater horrors in that patch, if there is any further doll
dangling over the cabbages, they will be provided with a ladder, allowing
them to reach their tormentors. After that, the Wolf and Koala are on their
own.  



tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)
Head: United Vegetable Empire