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TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; and all other interested parties. FROM: Director of Public Safety SUBJECT: End ofthe Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for Sept. 2002
:: Furry littlemonster steps up to podium wearing fighter pilot’s cap and bomber jacket :: First off I would like to start by saying “Okay… jokes over… turn down the damn air conditioning already – the penguins can’t want it THAT cold and we got icicles forming in the washrooms!” Now onto business… so some of us non-artic loving mischief and mayhem makers can get back to chaos spreading– or in the very least get our favourite ‘cuddle bunny’ to…well cuddle with us to keep warm!
Item 1: Regarding the concern over the ski-jump being built in front of the deep swimming pool near the big lake in the Southeast Gutter. Do not worry… the Koala has a permit to build it, he is introducing something he is calling ‘Extreme Air-Wave Gutter-style’ to the Gutter and WoodsOutback. Which apparently involves puttingon snow skis, riding down the ski-jump, and diving into the pool. Points will be awarded for style, complexity, and novelty of the various jumps, as well as a group competition and something called ‘ultimate freestyle’ – which even I’m a bit afraid to ask considering the evil grin he had shining in his eyes as he was talking about it. When one can see the naughty wickedness shining in his eyes even through his dark blue-mirror tint Oakley’s its best not to ask too many questions and just have the bail and/or hospital money handy.
Item 2: Regarding the suggestion that the new ‘Extreme Air-Wave’ pool be filled with holy water and allowing the vampire lemmings to take a practice jump. That request has been denied, while it would take care of the vampire lemming problem, it would also dirty up the pool with dust, clogging the water purifiers and recycler system. Further, considering it is water,the vampire penguins may try to take a dip in it and get themselves dusted as well… and since we DO have a few vampire forest dwellers out there too, they havealready voiced their outrage over having an ‘Extreme Air Wave’ jump they can’t use because it would kill them.
I know we’ve had this talk before guys… I bloody well hate getting a visit from the ‘Non-Living and Sun Allergic Anti-Deformation League’ complaining that they are beingunfairly discriminated against simply because they are not sun-worshiping humans who have the sense the gods gave a grapefruit! For the most part members of the League are… relatively… peace loving and usually keep to themselves bringing as little attention to themselves to stray stake-happy slayers, demon hunters, and Jehovah Witnesses as possible, as well as paying their protection money – on time I might add – every year.
Item 3: Reminder of Amazon and Centaur Festival policy… these festivals are usually ‘members only’ people and are highly frownedupon by party crashers. Need I remind everyone that both tribes DO have rather sharp pointy objects very close at hand andare not afraid to use them? Further both tribes tend to be rather firm believers in long and painful tortures for people that annoy them. :: points to report of Roman Legion Phalanx re-enactors who were found tied naked to a Sequoia in the Californian Sequoia National Forest after being missing for well over two months, babbling about Centaurs, Amazons, a dark Warrior Princess, and the sadist use of nut bread. :: And they were ONLY MILDLY ANNOYED with the re-enactors, I don’t even what to thank of what they would do to people they really hate.
Item 4: The ground breaking of the new ‘Royal Amazon and Gutter Library’ took place without incident last week, the rumoured protests by the ‘Order of Irate-Stick-in-the-Mud-Repressed-Old-Bats and Smut Haters’ did not take place. The peaceful ground breaking took place with the aid of the Amazon Royal Guard who acted as crowd control and chief removal service of unwanted rabble-rousers. We are now in negotiations with the Amazons to get the Royal Guard to assist in crowd control at the year-end Gutter Solstice/Christmas and New Year Block Party – primarily aroundthe South Gutter Hot Tubs.
Item 5: I’m not going to ask who introduced the Amazons to the Harley Davison motorcycle :: gives certain unnamed Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers a meaningful look :: primarily because most of you can’t stop snickering long enough to give me a straight answer. However, I am going to protest introducing the Centaurs and Amazons to the joys of Napalm! Look people, both tribes are still ‘miffed’ about certain episodes of the Hercules and Xena… and do not need to be giving weapons of mass destruction to use on their evil-producer voodoo dolls. There is such a thing as ‘overkill’ and all the explosions are making the Roman Legion Phalanx re-enactors curlup in small balls in a corner and cry for their ‘mummies’ to make the mean Amazons leave them alone.
Item 6: Regarding the ‘Air Raid Drills’ at the local Catholic Girl School. Those are valid, needed drills to ensure that the students at the school are able to protect themselves in case of alien invasion or frisky forest dwellers on nightly pounce and panty raids. We are merely ensuring that they can defend themselves in these times of great global strife and uncertainty. Much like the monthly fire drills, we are merely enforcing Gutter and Woods Outback Safety. It is not the fault of Gutter and Woods Outback Safety that you guys keep forgetting to read the bulletin board and fail to sign up for the Air Raid and Fire Drills. They are posted every month on the bulletin board that most of you guys pretend not to see in the Community Square… it is a bit hard to miss it you know, it IS right in front of entrance to the replica of the Temple of Aphrodite in the middle of the square! You have to walk around the thing to get into the temple for crying out loud.
Regarding the continuing SPAMMING ofthe Hand_of_Chaos list… people this is greatly ticking me off. Do NOT post URLs that lead NO WHERE or load to blank pages! I know that this is usually the doing of those who seem to think that the list is their own personal ad agency and that most of you are just as annoyed as I am. I – as owner of the Hand_of_Chaos list – and my moderators are looking into getting this stopped once and for all. At this time I am taking suggestions on how to get this stopped without making it difficult for the rest of the list to post messages and hold creative dialog on-list.
Further discussion of Item 7 will be held on the Hand_of_Chaos list since it is an internal problem on that list at the moment. However, if anyone out there on other lists have suggestions please drop me a line and I will pass it onto the HoC. I’m trying to create an environment there the list-members feel they have some say in how the list is run and they are not afraid to voice their opinions on issues that affect them and the list.
Regarding the little demented vampire fruit bat doing ‘adult’ impersonations… yes it is annoying and quite disturbing. Damn spammers… making me scare my fellow list-siblings. :: mutters darkly about mean spammers and pouts ::
That is all… we know return you to your regular scheduled fanfics, mischief making and mayhem spreading. LONE LIVE CHAOS!!!!!!
Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety ofthe SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark MIstress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}
"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002
AIM screen name: WolfFalke Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow} ICQ Number: 82517628
Web Page: http://shadowlander.topcities.com/
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