FIC: Making Sense (1/1)

["cnwinters71" <cnwinters@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Disclaimers: Mr. Whedon owns these characters. I'm just borrowing 
them for a little while.
Pairing: W/B
Rating: PG-13 (a little sexy stuff but nothing too&ahem&telling.)
Distribution: My page http://cnscaldron.tripod.com
Author info: Like the story? Feed the bard! cnwinters@xxxxxxxxxxx
Synopsis: 10 years has passed since Willow outted herself to her 
friends and a desperate situation leads to a not so unexpected 
discovery for Willow and Buffy.


Making Sense
By CN Winters


It's all making sense. It took me long enough to reach this point. 
Just one kiss; that's all it took.

We got a tip that the recent baddie in town liked to hang out at the 
Red Oyster bar. I chuckled when I first heard the name, which drew a 
complete blank for Xander and Buffy  neither of them had heard of 
it. The Red Oyster bar you see is the local gay bar&Okay so there's 
no 'official' gay bar in Sunnydale. That would be far too progressive 
for this town. But they are gay friendly with lots of 'mixed 
couples', much like the Bronze on certain days of the week. However 
straight folks, although welcome, are the minority at the Big O as 
it's been nicknamed.

I knew the three of us would 'blend' so I had no quips about going. 
Xander, although mega supportive of my life, still had concerns  
maybe its doubts about his own preferences but I wasn't about to play 
armchair psychologist with him. Anyway, he was worried that he would 
have to fend off sex-starved men who dressed like the Village People. 
Of course I chastised him for his stereotyping but I gave him the low-
down  'Tell them your flattered but you're straight and not 
interested. They'll appreciate the honesty.'

Buffy seemed intrigued about going but I chocked it up to interest 
about MY life. We never really sat down and had a heart to heart talk 
about just what my choices in life meant on a grander scale. It was 
always about the here and now. How's 'fill in the blank with the 
latest gal's name'? Where you going this weekend? Which spell did you 
and the misses try this week? Stuff like that. Our conversations 
weren't heavy with things like do you get scared about showing 
affection in public? Do you plan to have kids someday and if so, how? 
At times, do you feel like an outsider to the rest of the world? 
Nothing like that ever came up since I outted myself to Buffy ten 
years ago.

I wasn't offended because I knew why. Buffy lives in the here and 
now. She often considered that she didn't have much of a future and 
voiced it regularly. Her life expectancy giving her 'profession' 
wouldn't allow for long-term plans so she never made any of her own. 
As a result she never asked us about our own. I think it made things 
easier for her if she didn't have to focus on the long road ahead as 
much as where her feet where at the moment. Xander and I never 
complained. We still don't.

Idealistically, years ago, I imagined Tara and I growing old 
together  gray hairs and arthritis  living someplace warm like 
South Beach, Florida. She would be my first, my last, my always.  
Perhaps that was silly of me because when you decide to dedicate your 
life to the Slayer you take a chance. Tara took a chance in knowing 
me but she didn't mind the stakes. I remember one night we were in 
bed. I told her that my life was dangerous. She told me that loving 
me was worth the risk. I told her we might die someday. She told me, 
we all die someday. But as long as it was in my arms, that was fine 
by her. I never dreamed in my darkest nightmares that would become 
the reality. And I never imagined that I could become the latest 'big 
bad' that the Slayer had to face as a result.

I've often wondered if&if maybe she'd waited&if she waited just a few 
more days to return to me . . . Tara would be alive. Not so much for 
my sake but for hers. She was a beautiful human  inside and out and 
that light went out far too earlier. And it went out because of me. 
Yeah I know I didn't pull the trigger but it's a feeling of guilt by 
association. We all felt it actually. But I told them what Tara had 
said. I sometimes doubt though if she really meant it. If I'm lucky 
enough to get to Heaven that will probably be the first thing I ask&
was it worth it? I just hope she says yes.

Months later after Tara's death, Dawn came across a book. 'Reviving 
the Dead 101' basically - a way to bring back the dead who died by 
human and not mystical means. It was the hardest choice I ever had to 
make in my life. But I couldn't make the same mistake I made with 
Buffy. I couldn't rip my angel from Heaven. I loved her enough to let 
her go. Dawn was upset with me at first. She said a lot of stupid 
things teenagers say when they're upset and apologized them for 
later. But it still cut  it cut deep. I took solace in the fact that 
eventually Dawn understood. Tara was my girl but I couldn't drag her 
back to earth to satisfy me or Dawn or anybody. If I had known Buffy 
had gone to a better place instead of a hell dimension&as hard as it 
is to say&I would have let her go too. And I would have continued to 
fight with the scoobies to our deaths.

Xander thinks that when you're truly destined to die you will. 
Nothing can change that. So regardless of whether Tara came back he 
feels she still would have lost her life that day. He may have a 
point. I mean&there are many, many times that any one of us should be 
pushing up the daisies but here we still are, almost fifteen years 
later from our Sunnydale High years. Buffy at 32 is the oldest living 
Slayer in history. Still beautiful; still strong. She teases me about 
my tiny crow's feet, which are starting to show, but I don't mind. I 
tell her it's from years of smiling and she really needs to look in 
the mirror too now and then. I'm not the only one who isn't getting 
any younger. Anyway, I try my best to believe Xander's theory&to 
think otherwise, to think that Tara died because of me, is just too 
damn painful.

I moved on after Tara. I didn't think it was possible but as clichéd 
as it sounds time heals all wounds &Let's see&there was Trisha, 
Denise, Barbara, Tiffany, Rachel&oh and Jan... I'm sure I'm 
forgetting a few others here and there. The latest and probably worst 
was Jan. All my relationships ended for one reason or another but Jan 
was the only one who voiced an ultimatum. 

'Your friends or me' she said one night. Needless to say, she lost. 

As a result I had 'dyke' tattooed across my BMW in spray paint and 
various windows smashed in the Summer's home. Buffy was ready to kill 
her but I talked her out of it&barely. When we started getting the 
harassing phone calls at all hours of the day and night that's when 
Buffy decided to visit her. She promised she wouldn't kill her; she 
just wanted to reason with her. Although I know how Buffy 
can 'reason' at times, enough was enough and I let Buffy go. She 
never mentioned what happened but I did notice Jan at the Bronze soon 
after with her arm in a sling&We never got another phone call after 
that&Maybe it's just coincidence.

It was around college graduation that things came into focus even 
more but I shrugged it off. 

I was offered a job with a leading software manufacturer as a 
programming troubleshooter. My degree didn't mean nearly as much as 
my hacker skills it seemed but having that piece of paper did help 
I'm sure. $300,000 a year to start, full benefits, bonus, profit 
sharing, you name it. Buffy was immediately concerned that I would be 
leaving. There was no logical reason for me to stay. The thought of 
leaving hadn't actually entered my mind until she asked what my plans 
were now that I was 'set'. I told her I still wanted to stay but if 
she thought I should move out I would. Well that's not exactly true. 
I didn't finish the sentence before she started apologizing, saying 
that she wasn't giving me the boot. In fact it was the opposite - she 
did want me to stay. But she understood if I wanted a life of my own. 
It was at that point that I first realized our lives were 
intertwined.  

We were a family. It was true that Dawn was in college, with her own 
life, but still I wanted to be there&just in case. Besides hearing 
the door open in the earlier morning hours, knowing that Buffy 
survived another 'night on the job', was better than sitting in my 
own apartment waiting until sunrise to make a phone call. At least 
that's what I told myself at the time. When I looked deeper I 
realized it was much more than convenience that kept me there 
although I had the means to leave.

It wasn't until the incident at the Red Oyster that things really 
came into perspective. But even prior to that night, I began to 
realize that with each new woman that popped up in my life over the 
years Buffy always had a problem with them  too tall, too talkative, 
too clumsy, too blonde, you name it. Nobody was good enough for me. I 
figured maybe she was holding onto Tara in some way. I know that 
Buffy cared for Tara. Hell she even confided things in Tara that she 
didn't confide in me, her best friend. Maybe no woman would ever be 
as good as Tara. But that night at the Red Oyster something changed&
forever.

Like I said, we were tracking the newest 'addition' to the Sunnydale 
line-up. Buffy wanted to stay&undercover. By undercover she didn't 
want the demon knowing that she was trying to stake him out&no pun 
intended. 

The demon's name was Marlrid  a real scumbag  although he appeared 
human. He got his kicks (and power) by picking a victim and harassing 
them relentlessly. He couldn't just go for the kill because the more 
fear and injury he instilled, the greater his strength became. So he 
returned to the same victim over and over again. Xander joked that 
maybe he was related to Joy. I had to admit that made me laugh. 

So to the bar we went. Since Xander was still 'worried' about being 
someone's boy toy, I issued Buffy and Xander to the dance floor. If 
they were together then chances are neither of them wouldn't get hit 
on. As they took to the room's center, I talked with Cody who ran the 
bar. I asked if she'd heard of a guy named Marlrid but she couldn't 
help. I went out to the floor and told them the news. From there we 
decided to split up and search the room. 

After a few minutes we found nothing and met back at the small 
hallway near the entrance where a variety of people were coming and 
going. Suddenly Buffy's eyes got wide as she watched Marlrid walk in 
with two 'friends'. We had to hide her somewhere, somehow but there 
was nowhere to duck. Quickly I turned to Xander and order him to tell 
us when he had passed us. I don't think Buffy even knew what hit her 
at first. I bent her body back slightly and kissed her, my long red 
hair spilling around her face, shrouding her features. She stiffened 
at first but became more relaxed the longer I spent nipping at her 
lower lip. Suddenly I felt her hand cup the back of my head. The next 
sensation was her lips rising to meet mine. Instantly, Xander came to 
mind. Yes the oddest of moments I know. But I remembered what it felt 
like when I kissed him after my long-standing secret admiration was 
realized. I thought it was the greatest rush I'd ever feel. Turns 
out, I was wrong.

When Buffy return the kiss, quicksilver shot to my center and the 
demon in the hall was forgotten for the moment. And as her tongue 
tentatively slipped past her lips to brush against my own, asking for 
permission, I felt my legs weaken in an instant. Not only did I give 
her permission but welcomed it. I began to suck on the offered tongue 
and I heard a soft moan escape. Whether it was from she or I, to be 
honest, I couldn't tell. In truth, I didn't care. I couldn't sustain 
her weight anymore and I brought her upright again, my body pinning 
hers to the wall. She felt toned but supple as my body melded against 
hers. I felt her pelvis thrust forward, only slightly, and it was the 
only invitation I needed. I moved my thigh between her legs, giving 
her the contact it was obvious that her body craved. My hands reached 
up both sides of her face. Perhaps it was reactionary. Maybe 
somewhere in my aroused mind I still knew I had to keep her hidden  
always playing the faithful 'scoobie'.  

She felt soft. So delicate. I'd never felt another woman as soft as 
Buffy, except for one  Tara. I think it was that moment that I knew&
if anyone would ever take Tara's place in my life it was the woman I 
was kissing at the moment  the woman who, I should add, was kissing 
me back. 

That fact hit me hard, shaking me from my rapture, pulling me from 
those sweet lips. I realized that it had been quite sometime now and 
Xander still hadn't said anything. Tentatively I looked around but no 
Marlrid. I looked to Xander. Speechless would be a good descriptor of 
his expression. I snapped my fingers to get his attention and he 
shook his head, his mind coming back to the hallway. 'Sorry,' he told 
us, 'I just went off to far-away, magical place for a moment.' I 
rolled my eyes. Men.

I turned back to Buffy. She looked nervous muttering something about 
taking Marlrid down as she went back inside the bar. I looked to 
Xander who just shrugged before we followed her inside. To make a 
long story short (too late I know), Buffy took Marlrid out that night 
and we headed back home. Xander dropped us off and wordless we went 
inside. She sat down on the sofa and turned the television on. I knew 
I had to say something, anything. I walked over and picked up the 
remote turning the television off. She looked at me but didn't say 
anything. 

I told her we needed to talk about what happened in that hallway. She 
avoided it at first, trying to act nonchalant  there was nothing to 
discuss she said. She tried to go into the kitchen but I rose and 
grabbed her by the waist. Our bodies shook at the impact as I brought 
her back against me. I never realized how well we fit together 
physically until I leaned around to whisper in her ear. 

I asked her if it was only me; was I reading too deeply into what 
happened? I asked her if I imagined her kissing me back in the 
hallway. She was quiet for a long moment. Finally she whispered, no. 
I asked if given the chance would she kiss me again. She said she 
didn't know. She felt confused all night she told me. Slowly I let 
her go, my fingertips brushing her hips. I told her I would give her 
time to figure it all out. 

I walked to the staircase. Slowly, I turned to her and the tears she 
had in her eyes caught me off guard. They weren't tears of joy or 
pain. They were tears of fear. I could always tell when the Slayer 
was scared  petrified. What she experienced now with me, her best 
friend, scared her more than the vamps she faced on a nightly basis. 
It was ironic in a way  the red-haired, computer geek hacker had the 
power to make the strongest woman on earth tremble.

I knew she needed something more as I watched her from the lading. So 
I told her it was finally making sense. The reason for all the 
disastrous relationships I got into, the reason I sat up  sometimes 
until dawn  waiting for her to come home, the reason I continued to 
stay in a house when I could afford to be on my own. It all made 
sense now. Yeah it took 15 years but damn it I got there. 

The reason was simple. The reason was her. 

I told her I was sorry that my admiration upset her but I would never 
be sorry for the admiration. And I told her regardless of what she 
decided to do with these facts I would stick by her if that's what 
she wanted. And if that was too much then&I'd go away. Because I knew 
first hand&sometimes you had to give up the things you love most in 
the world because it's best for them.

The climb upstairs was a rough one and the longest I'd ever taken in 
that house. I put it all out for Buffy to see. Suddenly I was the 
one, much like Buffy, living in the present. It was now or never. I 
knew that. She knew it too. I got comfortable on my bed with a spell 
book, but my mind couldn't comprehend a single page. I got up again 
and decided to find something else to look at when I heard her voice 
in the doorway.

'You're right. About everything,' she told me. 'It's odd but ever 
since you've gotten your job I've been worried that you'd leave.' I 
reassured her that I wouldn't and she raised her hand to make me 
stop. 'Let me get this out okay?' she asked. I simply nodded and she 
continued. 'When you came to me and told me about Tara, about how you 
fell in love with her and it took you by surprise I've felt the same 
lately. Okay, maybe it's been longer than lately', she 
grinned. 'Point is you said you didn't fall for a gender. You fell 
for a person. I realized that what we have it's more than gender. 
It's deeper. Way deeper than that. So tonight when you kissed me I 
reacted. To be able to express that bond of depth in a physical way 
was&intense&So like usual when things get intense I run.' 

I watched as her bottom lip began to quiver. 'Help me from running,' 
she said softly. 'Show me I'm not the only one in love here.' 

I smiled and walked over. My hands reached up and stroked her 
face. 'I'll prove it,' I told her as she closed her eyes, savoring my 
touch. She grinned and opened her eyes.

'You've been proving it for nearly 15 years now Will,' she told 
me. 'Every mission. Every battle&Tonight I want you to show me.'

And show her, I did. Repeatedly. In a variety of ways. 

Thank Gaia for the magic. I don't think I'd be able to keep up with 
the Slayer strength and stamina any other way. Finally, around dawn, 
she fell asleep, wrapped in my arms. Contentment was something I 
hadn't felt in years but she brought that back to me. It took me long 
enough to reach that point. But just one kiss; that's all it took. 
Finally I knew&it's all making sense.

The End