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TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; and all other interested parties. FROM: Director of Public Safety SUBJECT: End of the Year State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for November and December 2002
{Small furry little beast steps up to podium wearing a fighter pilot’s jacket and WW2 pilot’s hat.} Thought I forgot about this, didn’t you? {Eyes certain unnamed Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers that are still wearing their party hats and grinning like maniacs as they clutch their copies of ‘Naked Hacker Pouncing’} I see that everyone got his or her Solstice presents and are keeping a tight hold on them, I told you we had enough copies to go around… and yes I still stand by my first statement that one copy is enough for everyone. It is a16-hour double CD set that comes with its very own Hacker and Slayers Commemorative Trading Cards. Now with thatsaid, on with why I’ve called you all here, and why several of you will be donating heavily to the Woods Outback Fund for Wayward Forest Creatures or risk being handed over to the authorities to answer for all the mischief and mayhem that he or she caused over the holidays. {Glares at unnamed Koala with a toilet lid hanging around his neck, wearing oversized sunglasses and has a set of handcuffs dangling from one wrist while trying to look innocent and semi-harmless.}
Item 1: Regarding the rioting turkeys that are still running amok while being chased by a mob of mutant cranberries… now Tater, we have our little agreement about the veggies being your responsibility. However, I am going to have to protest the six-week stampede that is still going strong, that has torn up a good potion of the East Gutter near the Catholic Girl School. Tater I’m getting complaints from the NUNS! They keep coming in here in their black and white habits… confusing the hell out of the penguins that are still hiding in Quin’s office. And if one of the vampire-penguins – that the Koala absolutely knows nothing about, although the said vamp-penguins ARE living in the Koala Kult Temple –mistakes a nun for a penguin there is going to be hell to pay. First off, a vampire-penguin nun is just wrong… nomatter how you look at it. And the Vatican doesn’t like us as is and is just looking for an excuse to have us exorcised off the planet, vamping one of their nuns by a penguin is so not going to help relations with the old stick-in-the-muds. So if it is not too much trouble… call off the mutant cranberries or have them out flank the turkeys and lure them into the demonic cabbage patch – I don’t care which, I just want no more Nuns coming into my office to complain about mutant mobs of cranberries. Is that too much to ask?
Item 2: Okay the holidays are over so the Rudolph Wanted Posters can be taken down now. While I would love to report the Red-nosed Menace has been shot down and will no longer be terrorising the Gutter and the Woods Outback Dwellers during next years sleigh ride… the lucky so-n-so deer got away… AGAIN!!! However, little Matt Gopher, son of our very own Silent Panicky Gopher came the closest to taking the Red-nosed Menace out of the night sky using a howitzer. Although, the little guy was majorly bummed about missing the Red-nosed Menace on his first reindeer hunt, his papa did make it up to him by letting the little guy fire the howitzer at Mutt-boy’s house. Wiped said house clean off the map with one shot… according to the Fire Marshal little Matt hit the natural gas line first try. I’m in told the our Silent Panicky Gopher will be teaching both his cubs how to fire the howitzer and the surface-to-air missile, he got for his hover tank to stop tailgaters, so next year’s hunt should be extra special. We will get the Red-nosed Menace and we will get our share of all the good toys that all the little brats around the world have been hogging for generations, on this the Gutter and Woods Outback Society for the Prevention of Adulthood has sworn.
Item 3: Announcing the grand opening of The Bear's "Whip and Chain Emporium" in lovely downtown Gutter and Outback. There have been numerous complaints by Woods Outback dwellers of the unfair price range of the Gutter’s “Lock and Leather” shop when it comes to local versus tourist prices. Apparently the management of “Lock and Leather” considers anyone not living in the Gutterto be a “tourist” including Woods Outback dwellers that have long been considered residents of Greater Sunnydale as a whole. Perhaps with two places to get quality leather and chain goods prices can be kept are a more manageable and affordable level for all Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers. However, rest assured that the new speciality store willbe closely monitored by the Warrior Mongoose who has always served as the Senior Executive Committee on List Gutter and Woods Outback Affairs expert on the ‘Kinkier-side of the Gutter and Woods Outback’. I am told that she and her staff will make sure both stores only stock the very best in Slayer and Hacker apparel as well as most torture devices for the flea-ridden and simply hayseed useless.
Item 3-Add-on: With the opening of a second leather and chain shop with a more competitive price range, our beloved Gator would like to make it known the next joker coming into his swamp looking to make ‘alligator anything’ out of him is being turned over the Slayer’s little sister who has adopted him as her official ‘Cuddle-Gator’.
Item 4: There… appears to be… a {cocks head to one-side and narrows eyes}… well I’m not sure what it is actually. But it appears to be a picture of two people; one is wearing a pale blue tuxedo with high-water pants, a pink ruffled shirt with a dandelion in the lapel, and holding this large heart-shaped box. The other is in a {cocks head to other side and turns picture 45 degrees} Ms. Edith in an S&M leather dress. {Little bat’s eyes widen in disbelief} Oh gods! I think we just found Rod’s prom picture! {Drops offending picture and dives for the safety of a shadowy ceiling rafter shuddering in shock.} Gods… I know I’m going to have nightmares about that image now… I need to start getting more hazard pay. {Shudders}
Item 5: Stormchaser Interlude 0:
The frisky were-cat pounced on her slayer the moment the chosen one walked through the door.
"Er... Wills why are you sitting on Faith?" Buffy asked coming up to the open door.
"Mine," the redhead said looking up at the other slayer, "Naked!" she suddenly added lunging for the other Slayer.
Buffy found herself lying flat on her back with a naked redhead sitting on her chest, "Too much... take off now!" Willow growled pawing at her clothing, "Naked!"
Rolling over and casting a look over her shoulder, "How come I'm 'mine' and you're 'naked'?" Faith asked.
"Mine! Help... too much... need off," Willow demanded with a low growl.
"Quick laughing Faith... I'm about to get molested on my front lawn."
"Naked! Mine!" the redhead said before lowering her head and kissing the startled Slayer while Faith continued to laugh.
"Remind meto kill the Xand-man when this spell wears off," Faith said with a last chuckle getting up to walk over to the other two. "Hey Red... you and 'naked' inside... no neighbours watching." She said to the somewhat feral hacker.
End Snippet.
Item 6: Stormchaser Interlude 1
Willow grinned naughtily as she slided up to her slayer, licking playfully at the blonde's neck, "Naked!" she whispered in a low voice only the chosen one could hear.
Looking startled for a moment, Buffy looked deep into the redhead's eyes making sure she wasn't dealing with the more feral side of her mate.
Stepping closer, the grinning redhead took a sniff of the blonde's clean hair, "Naked... with chocolate," she added her eyes glazing over a bit.
"H... how much caffeine have you had?" Buffy asked her eyes narrowing, not liking that look in Willow's eyes one little bit.
"Hmmm...no caffeine... just happy to see you," Willow replied running one hand down the side of her mate's neck. "Naked... my naked!" she added with a deep rumbling purr.
Still not trusting that look in the redhead's eyes the Slayer kept her eyes on her, trying to figure out what mischief her frisky mate was up to this time. She hadn't survived countless 'pounces' by one hyper redhead in the past without learning a thing or two. Like one, Willow never called her 'Naked' when she was in her right mind. No 'naked' was always used when the redhead's more 'primal'-self was in control and looking to rip her clothes off. "Okay... who did you kill?" Buffy suddenly asked deciding if caffeine wasn't involved blood probably was.
"No one you knew," Willow whispered moving suddenly and slipping her tongue into her mate's mouth. 'She talks too much,' her cat fumed already pawing at her life mate's clothes determined to get at bare flesh and have her way with the Chosen One before the night's patrol, 'then later... after patrol.' The cat thought with a happy purr, wondering if Mother Joyce would get too mad if they got naked in the kitchen again.
'No one I knew?' she wondered briefly before all rational thought was driven away by one well-placed hand in her pants and a deep purr from the redhead. 'Oh what the hell... I'm sure it was someone that really 'needed' to die.' Her annoying inner-slayer voice said in dismissal nestling closer to her mate and tryingto get her naked too.
Two hours later-
Buffy raised her head from her sated mate's chest a wicked look in her eyes as she looked into Willow's sleepy green ones. "You just wanted to have your wicked way with me," she accused playfully, "you didn't kill anyone."
"Mio?" Willow questioned sleepily, a goofy look on her face, "I never joke about killing my Naked One," she said her eyes dancing with barely contained mischief.
"Ah huh," Buffy replied with a smirk not believing Willow for a moment.
"Really I don't," Willow countered looking mildly offended, "but if fish-boy shows up in class tomorrow limping... I know nothing about that."
End Snippet...
Item 7: Snippet: Stormchaser Interlude II
It was a quiet Sunday, Joyce actually finding the time to pull out her knitting supplies and work on the muffler she was making for Giles's birthday before he went back to England to "beat some information out of the Council" as her daughter so colourfully put it. While she wasn't all that sure about Buffy's renewed association with the Council of Watchers that not so long ago actively tried to kill her, shortly after sheand Faith went 'rogue' to keep the Mayor from becoming a demon. She didn't care what Giles said, in her view anyone who tried to murder her own daughter in her home was not to be trusted ever again, good thing Willow had been there to stop the would-be assassin, Joyce didn't want to think about having to bury a child. 'Willow,' Joyce thought with a small smile turning her attention to the large russet coloured mountain lion thatwas currently sunning herself by the window, the young shape shifter deciding to spend the day in cat form.
While it had taken her sometime to get used to the fact that her daughter was mated to a were-cat,let alone that very same were-cat was female, she couldn't deny the fact that Willow was devoted to Buffy, if the loud purring coming from their basementroom at all hours of the night was any indication. And Buffy did seem happy and content, that was the only thing that really mattered in the end.
Sensing Mother Joyce watching her, the large cat rolled over her dark green eyes carefully studying the human for a long moment before a naughty little thought formed in her mind. Turning her attention to a stray ball of yarn, her tail absently twitching back and forth as she studied her 'prey' through narrowed eyes.
Seeing the change in the cat and recognizing 'pounce' mode, "Don't you dare," she warned as Willow suddenly lunged forward pouncing on a stray ball of blue yarn with a happy purr. Pulling her feetback instinctively Joyce watched the large predator play with the ball of yarn with a bewildered look, her knitting long forgotten as Willow somehow managed toget herself wrapped up in the yarn. Finally loosing her battle with laughter as the mountain lion lookedup at her inquisitively a long piece of blue yarn dragged over her furry head and dangling in her face, Joyce tried to keep herself from falling out of her chair. "So... what are you going to do now?" she finally asked, gasping for breathe as the cat batted at the piece of yarn in her face with one paw refusing to change forms and remove it with human hands.
Stilling suddenly, the cat turned her head toward the front door, her eyes narrowing once more as she shifted into pounce mode, the yarn hanging off her body forgotten as she stalked closer to the door ready to make her move as the door opened. Leaning forward, trying to keep from laughing as she watched the lion stalk her new prey, having a pretty good idea just who was about to enter, Joyce berated herself for not having a camera ready to record this rather odd ritual the cat had of greeting people she was fond of.
Dawn barely hadtime to yelp as the large mountain lion pounced on her, a cold wet rough tongue licking her face happily. "Help!" she yelled trying to push away Willow's furry face even as Buffy broke out in a fit of laughter.
Closing the front door, Buffy leaned against it as laughter shook her slim body, "Told you... I should enter first," she got out as tears rolled down her face, knowing exactly how it felt to have over 100 lbs of cat pouncing on you when you weren't expecting it. Remembering the one time Willow had actually tackled her outside in broad daylight in front of several of the neighbours. Mom stopped letting Wills run around outside in cat form after that, even if she did promise to only stalk butterflies in the back yard. It just wigged out the neighbourstoo much to see a large predatory cat stalking butterflies in the backyard, although stalking vampires in the front yard during a full moon was quite all right by the neighbours.
"Buff... HELP!" Dawn yelled again as Willow continued to lick her face and purr happily.
Finally satisfied that her little sister had been greeted properly, the cat turned her attention to her mate, her eyes taking on that lustful look she always got whenever she looked at her life-mate for prolonged periods of time. "Oh no you don't," Buffy warned as the cat suddenly lunged for her, Willow shape shifting before she made contact back to her human form, a loud thud shaking the door as her lips where all ready pressing against Buffy's, her tongue slipping eagerly inside.
Breaking the kiss once oxygen had become a really important issue, Buffy gave her mate a rueful look, one eyebrow arching as she picked off a strand of blue yarn out of Willow's hair. "Bored again, huh?" she asked not understanding her mate's need to do really 'cat-like' things, like attacking balls of yarn and using vampires as a claw sharpening post, at times.
"You were late," Willow growled playfully, "and mother Joyce won't let me out to play with the neighbours," she said purring happily always glad to see her life-mate, even when she was wet and covered in slime from patrol. She really liked her like that, because it meant she got to get her mate naked and got to 'help' clean her up, the two always ending up doing naughty things in the shower.
"I was at the movies!" Buffy defended, "you could have come if you wanted to."
"Yeah right and have all three of us get kicked out because Willow was purring and trying to get you naked," Dawn retorted. "You know how she gets about blood and explosions."
"There was blood?" Willow said, turning back to Dawn even as Buffy continued to pick off the strands of blue yarn off her body, her cat moving forward at the words.
"Yeah... lots.... it was a war movie Willow, you would have loved it... blood everywhere," Dawn explained with a wide smile, knowing how Willow's cat got around bloodand destruction.
"Oh no you don't," Buffy warned, grabbing the back of Willow's shirt and pulling her back, "no talk of blood for you." She added, knowing how worked up her mate got and how she had to be able to patrol tonight because of all the demons the Initiative clowns were pissing off with their blunderings. If Wills got too worked up Buffy wouldn't be able to stand let alone patrol, knowing from experience that blood made Willow horny at times, and damn it all there were some limits to her stamina, she can't patrol after getting shagged into unconsciousness by her frisky mate...she just couldn't, she was not a machine.
"Spoilsport," Willow pouted, before turning and giving her mate a lick on the neck letting her know that the limited talk of blood had done its job, "why don't we go downstairs and take a 'nap'?" She suggested with a lustful look in her eyes, silently promising her mate that rest would be the last thing Buffy would get if she went downstairs with her.
"Oh get a ROOM you two," Dawn groaned making a face.
"Good idea," Willow's cat purred liking the way her little sister thought at times.
End of Snippet.
Item 8: Reports of a certain bard who has been battling with Writer’s Block, have been circling among the core members of the List’s key troublemakers. While the reports are unclear, it is known that the bardhas been seen talking with a were-cat and apparently having long drawn out meetings with dark slayers, cheerleaders, primal chosen ones, and a teddy bear called Mister Edmond. What all thismeans we can only speculate, as the bard in question merely arched an eyebrow at her Woods Outback counterpart, gave it an orange to drain and tickled it under the chin, before going back to her keyboard.
That is all… we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.
Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety ofthe SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark MIstress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}. Certified Rebel and Ronin.
"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002
AIM screen name: WolfFalke Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow} ICQ Number: 82517628
Web Page: http://shadowlander.topcities.com/
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