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TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; and all other interested parties. FROM: Director of Public Safety SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for January and February 2003
Bet you guys thought I forgot again… nope, didn’t even forget about it last month. However due to unforeseen circumstances I found myself unable to post the report… and if it is the last thing I do I will track down the clown that told the evil adults where to find me. Just wait… vengeance is the little fruit bat’s with Vamp-Willow’s number on speed dial.
Item 1: The evil adults have koala-napped our beloved Shade Wearing Mayhem Spreading Koala once AGAIN!! It is the consensus of the Gutter’s Intelligence and Wild Rumour Mongers that this is all a plot of the Riley 4-Life Shippers to break up the core trouble-makers of the Gutter and Woods Outback… and to make SPAM the natural pastime. Such heinous veil acts against the furry, scaly, and out right anti-adult among us shall not go unpunished. Prepare the pitchforks and tar… I’ll go round up the chickens for the feathers… we have adults to torture into submission.
Item 2: Regarding the rumour that our supply of Jungle Juice is running a tad low… only a million gallons left… that may not see us through the next quarter. While it is true our supply of Spiked Jungle Juice is down… there is no need to for alert or spontaneous riots at the local brewery to up production of the refreshing beverage. First off, our supply of Holy White Lightening is fine with an increase in production to cover the limited quantity of jungle juice at the moment. Further, we have dispatched our beloved Scooter Tramp and his cheerleader and dark slayer sidekicks to start setting up and distilling new Spiked Jungle Juice Stills as per the Emergency Jungle Juice Production Plan. We will be bringing up our stock of Spiked Jungle Juice over the next two months to cover both the Gutter and Woods Outback as well as our missing Koala who is off to who knows where doing who knows what to the militaries around the world.
Item 3: Tater… why is there a ‘pickled’ cucumber outside of the hacker’s house singing “I am ‘Enry the Eighth I am, Iam”??? Also it is my duty to report thatan overzealous vegetarian Amazon sort of ate the ‘pickled’ cucumber outside the Amazon Bard Queen’s hut singing the very same song.
Item 4: The cabbages… the cabbages… the cabbages are river dancing!
Item 5: Will the owner of the fire engine red mustang with the license plate; “Stake_Em” please remove your car from the top of one Daniel Osborne of Sunnydale Proper… your tires seem to have developed an oddform of mange.
Item 6: The resident Gator of the Woods Outback Swamp would like to issue his protest of the new Gutter Campaign to rid our community of the cold-blooded suits! While the Gator is aware the campaign is against the spread of lawyers, ambulance chasers, and Spam dealers… he is not at all amused at the suggestion his swamp be used as a dumping ground for the bodies of such creatures.
Item 7: Regarding the question of when the water catapults will be test fired… er… guys we don’t test fire the watercatapults until early SUMMER! Besides… the catapults are all in the shop being upgraded and having these really fine hair triggers that have been reported to go off when someone blinks in their direction within in a ten foot radius. Francie, the beautiful good winged gremlin, claims that such firing triggers will only improve water catapult safety and performance during crisis situations. She further claims that the catapults would most definitely not be used for ‘accidentally’ soaking the slayer and hacker to thebone while running. I would like to publicly thank Francie for presenting her argument for the new hair triggers in a professional and completely straight-faced a manner as she possible could with the map of the Slayer’s running route sticking out her back pocket like that.
Item 8: Under no circumstances is it permissible, advised, or even recommended that outsiders go up to the dark Warrior Princess and suggest that she takes ‘anger management’ course. Especially if said Warrior Princess is armed… and I would like to point out that the former-warlord is never without a weapon of some sort. This is the woman thatused a nut-bread loaf to beat off a band of rabid Jehovah Witnesses that tried to convert the Amazons.
Item 8 Add-on: Er… did anyone ever find the remains of those religious nuts??
That is all… we know return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics. :: turns to desk and large pile of complaints and police reports from all over the world :: Sheesh its only five daysinto the month and they are already causing International-incidents.
ShadowDrake -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark MIstress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}
"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002
AIM screen name: WolfFalke Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow} ICQ Number: 82517628
Web Page: http://shadowlander.topcities.com/
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