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TO: All Department Heads, the United Vegetable Empire, and all other interested parties FROM: The Director of Public Safety SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for March 2003
:: Furry little mischief-making menace steps up to the podium and regards the assembled crowd for a moment while drumming her fingertips on the stand :: Okay… I got one thing to say to the joker that turned me into the Australia Fruit Farmers… “NOT FUNNY AT ALL”. Those nuts hate little fruit bats… we’re talking 12-gage shotgun hating, will shoot on sight, and not bother to ask any questions later… hate here. I will remember this the next time the joker in question wants to change something… or gets arrested in a smell backward town and need bail money. Now with that said on with the report.
Item 1: Regarding the inadvertently confusing the hell out of the blonde golden Chosen One, when she walked into the living room and found herself between two purring Willows… one in human form the other in cat form. :: Little fruit draining beast blushes :: That was an accident…the Slayer came in… and heard purring from two different directions… naturally she was very concerned about getting pounced on by her infamously hyper were-cat mate and had every right to be jumpy when faced with two of them. It wasn’t until she realized that the human Willow was reading a book – effectively masking whatever was in her lap – and that the said human had a bowl of grapes within reach did she figure out why the hacker seemed to be purring. It seems that the little vampire fruit bat was sitting in the redhead’s lap draining grapes and getting its furry little head scratched by the nice redhead… completely content, minding its own business andnot bothering a soul… and well purring as it always does when its happy. When questioned why the little vampire fruit bat was sitting in the hacker’s lap and purring, the little beast replied; “Yeah… right…like any of you humans wouldn’t be purring too if the hacker let you sit in her lap and fed you grapes and tickled your tummy every now and then!” The little purring menace went on to grumble something about ‘jealous humans just being mad they were not cute and cuddly in the furry little night flyer way and were not being able to fit into the Hacker’s backpack.’
Item 2: Regarding the Saint Patrick’s Day CabbageStampede… er…Tater? You want to come and get the Cabbage and Carrot that are sitting on top of the flagpole outside of City Hall of Sunnydale Proper? They are beginning to freak out the humans who work in the building… especially the mid-afternoon singing contest the two keep getting into… there are reports that our tone deaf rocks are joining in and all sorts of windows and other glass objects are now breaking as a result.
Item 3: Regarding the continued stalking and pouncing of Faith’s leather jacket by frisky hyper wolves that have a fondness for the dark slayer’s leather… you know who you are and just how many items of Faith’s clothing you have captured and are now using as a nice pallet.
Item 4: In regards to the rumour of the Phantom Chipmunk preparing for a duel with the hopefully soon-to-be released Vampire Koala for the ownership of the Hacker’s flannel footy-pyjamas that the golden Slayer is auctioning off for the “Keep the Hellmouth Closed” and the “Slayers Forever” Funds. As soon as final arrangements canbe made for the Koala’s release from his adult-keepers the duel is set to take place sometime later this month… gods willing. It is hoped that the auctions will bring in lots of money for both worthy causes not to mention keep the Slayer’s little redheaded Hacker out of frumpy clothing that does absolutely nothing whatsoever for her and just blocks the Chosen One’s roaming hands during research.
Item 5: Regarding the reported ending of BtVS… yes… finally the evil of the Joss One will be over! And we can all return to the ‘real’ Sunnydale to watch our beloved Slayer and Hacker get frisky in the book cage and slay all the baddies without stupid plotlines getting in the way or having to put up with such ridiculous creatures as the Riley Vamp-slut pawing all over the Slayer or the Flea-bitten whore-bitch Veruca giving Oz fleas and possibly VD!
Item 5 Add-on: Isn’t denial fun??? :: insert big wicked grin here ::
Item 6: Naked Hacker Pouncing… fun to watch but if you want to try it yourself… make sure the Chosen Two don’t catch you. Those two have most definitely NOT learned to share THEIR Redhead with anyone and do have access to lots of sharp pointy objects.
That is all… we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics. :: turns back to phone :: … “Look… Inspector… I don’t know how that naked Tweed-wearer got hung upside down from a flagpole in the middle of Dublin… maybe some irate Irish Slayer fans are voicing their annoyance over stuffy British guys killing all the fun pounce time with Hackers?”
ShadowDrake -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark MIstress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}
"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002
AIM screen name: WolfFalke Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow} ICQ Number: 82517628
Web Page: http://shadowlander.topcities.com/
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