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Title of Story: Just Beneath the Surface (3/?) Title of Chapter: Rain Author: WillowX email at willowxbvsb@xxxxxxxxxxx Personal Archive: www.geocities.com/willowneedsbuffy Pairing: Buffy/Willow Rating: PG Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television and Kuzui Enterprises. Buffy is distributed by 20th Century Fox and the Warner Brothers Television Network. Summary: Set in Season 7 at the end of "Same Time, Same Place". This story picks up at the end of Part 1 and Part 2 simultaneously, you?ll understand if you?ve read those parts first. If you haven?t, Part 1 and 2 can be found here http://www.geocities.com/willowneedsbuffy/jbts/jbts.html . Part 3 - Rain I stumbled toward the door of Willow?s room; my feet were as heavy as lead and my head threatened to split in two from the pain. Missing a step, I tripped and fell forward, banging my shoulder against the door. I clung in desperation to the sleek wood of the doorway for a moment, to regain my strength, but my aching shoulder and pounding head made it impossible to concentrate. "Buffy, please, I can explain," Willow pleaded, her voice low and weak, but I refused to look at her. I was afraid of what I?d see. I had already seen enough. I reached behind me, feeling the surface of the door with my hand and fingers, until I finally found the knob. With the last ounce of strength left in me, I slammed the door shut, but the sound only intensified my headache. Reaching for my head in agony, I lost balance once again. My vision was invaded by a thousand tiny black polka-dots. They started at the center of my vision and worked their way out, until everything I saw was black. I blinked and swooned. I felt as if I was falling through air in slow motion, but it only took a second to feel the hard wood floor beneath me. My knees and hands scraped along the floor, but the surface wasn?t rough enough to break the skin. I felt them burn from the friction. Regardless of how hard I tried, I couldn?t stop from falling. The next thing I felt was my stomach as it flopped against the floor. I felt the sharp sting of countless pin pricks across my belly. Finally, my face collided with the floor and I heard my jaw crack. I recognized the sound; I?d hear it whenever a vamp had gotten the best of me in a fight. Hearing that sound was never a good thing. I laid face down on the floor in the hallway between my room and Willow?s room. My body was covered in sweat and my lungs screamed for air. I struggled hard too see, but there was only darkness around me. My heart was pounding a mile a minute, my hands and legs were throbbing and my mouth tasted like blood; my blood. I hadn't felt that way since the last time I had gone a few rounds with Glory and, even then, I?d been fighting a Hell God, not tripping over my own feet. I closed my eyes and slowly rolled onto my back. The taste of my own blood was strong on my lips and it made me sick. I held back the urge to throw up as my heart threatened to break open my chest. Taking a deep breath through my nose, I marveled at how acute my Slayer senses still were. I could smell everything, the pizza we had for dinner, the fresh roses Xander had bought for Willow?s return, and even the scent of the shampoo I used that morning lingered in the air, yet I hadn?t the strength to get up from the floor. I took another deep breath; the air was thick and refreshing. The leaves on the trees outside rustled, banging against the many windows. In the distance I could hear the faint sounds of thunder. After a while, the scent of the storm approaching became oddly soothing.I found comfort in its familiarity and the memories it awoke in me, memories that had been buried deep down inside me. One particular memory brought a small smile to my face, even as I laid on the floor in anguish. I was actually smiling. It was a memory of a particular night early in my junior year of high school. Before my mother died, before Dawn appeared, before Angel became evil and tried to kill us all. In a life fullof death and destruction, the memory I relished took place during the year of my innocence. I?d only known Willow and Xander for less than a year by then,but I remember feeling as if I?d known them forever. I had gotten ready for patrol in a hurry that night. Mom had been roaming around downstairs, unpacking boxes that had arrived for the gallery. I could still hear the noise of box cutters slicing through layers of tape and the sweet sound of her voice humming to old tunes as she worked. If I tried hard enough, I could still see her dancing around the house to the lyrics in her head. "Willow is here!" Mom yelled from downstairs and I collected the rest ofmy things: a small square vial of holy water, four newly carved stakes, and my favorite cross. Those were my tools, my weapons in the fight against evil, and I carried them in an oversized purse next to my fire engine red lipstick and the cherry bubble gum I had for when I got bored. "Coming!" I screamed as I gave myself one last glance in the mirror. I was so beautiful and young then. My eyes dripped of innocence; I had no idea the journey that awaited me. When I reached the edge of the stairway, I saw Willow standing shyly by the door, chatting with my mother. Long red hair hung over her shoulders and created a distinct contrast against the emerald green shirt she wore. I liked the way that shirt looked on her, bringing out her green eyes. I had told her so, and after that, she seemed to never take that shirt off. I had liked the way it looked on her so much, it hadn?t even bothered me. "Ready to go Bronzing, Will?" I asked with a smile, making my way down the steps, Willow?s eyes widened in confusion. "I thought we were going to go pa?" She began to question but was cut off by my bulging eyes. "Pa-aaartying! Yep, partying at the Bronze. That?s us. The party animals. We?re gonna party like it?s 1999. Can?t help it, no siree! I like thenightlife, I like to boogie," she babbled, with an exaggerated nod. I found her rant extremely amusing, especially since she had been holding a bright yellow Scooby Doo umbrella the whole time. Somehow the mental picture of "Willow The Party Animal" was not happening. I slipped the strap of my purse over my head so it hung across my chest, it was more Slayer friendly that way, and proceeded to walk toward them. "You girls be safe now, they?re a lot of crazies out there," Mom warned. "Don?t worry, Mom," I mused, walking passed her. I stood by Willow andlocked elbows with her. "Not only is Willow a Party Animal, she?s also quite the Kung Fu expert," I finished, winking at Willow. She pouted her lips at me and rolled her eyes. "Well, now you?re just making fun of me," she whined. "Just take care of each other, girls," Mom offered, as her last piece of advice as we walked out of the house. The air outside was moist and heavy with the threat of rain. It seldom rained in Sunnydale, but when it rained, it poured. I could feel it, the approaching storm; it was going to be huge, but I didn?t care. Back then I thought I could take anything. I thought I was strong enough to weather any storm. A cool breeze blew across my face and I felt Willow shiver next to me. I gave her a quick glance as we walked and couldn?t help but smile. "I like to boogie?" I asked, smiling. "Not cool?" She asked, frowning in response. "Nope," I giggled, "but definitely cute!" I squeezed her arm as I said it. She was cute, I?d always thought so, but sometimes her cuteness was just overwhelming. Our eyes locked gazes momentarily and I saw something, a glimmer or a spark. I couldn?t quite understand it, but before I had the chance to investigate further, she looked away. "So, where will the fight against evil take us tonight?" She asked. "Wherever your heart desires, my dear red headed friend," I responded. "Ohh, yippe," she beamed, clapping her hands together. "I get to pick! Hmm . . . how about we go to . . . Gordon?s Cemetery?" She asked, and I groaned. "Gordon?s???" I whined. "Jeez, Willow, eleven other cemeteries in thistown and you gotta pick the one that?s furthest away? " "Ohhhh come on, don?t be such a lazy butt," she interrupted. "We haven?t gone there in forever. It?ll be like a field trip," she finished excitedly. "But . . . but . . ." I stalled, as I searched for a good excuse. "But it?s gonna rain soon, you might get sick!" I said, playing on Willow?s disdainfor missing school and losing the perfect attendance certificate. I knew she had ten of those at home. "If it rains then it?s Scooby Doo to the rescue!" She proclaimed, hoisting the umbrella up in the air like a mighty sword. I giggled once again. I loved taking her on patrol with me. Not only did it make the task much more bearable, but it also gave me the opportunity to bond with my friend. My only true girl friend, to be precise. "What if we get stuck in the ass end of Sunnydale, under a rainstorm, with no ride? It?s not like I can call my mom and ask her to pick us up at the cemetery," I said, sounding out the syllables of the word ?cemetery?. Iwas trying really hard to convince her to go the lazy, less aerobic, route. "Well," she continued explaining, "if there?s a storm we?ll just have to wait it out, I?m sure it won?t be the first time we?ll have to weather a storm together, and if anything gross or fangy should arise, I know you?ll protect me," she finished, beaming with confidence. Those words rang in my ears. She was right . . . I would protect her, against anything. I stopped walking for a moment and looked at her, studying her _expression_. She had such a warm way about her. Sometimes, just watching her smile would make me want to smile too. "You have that much trust in me?" I asked, looking at her curiously. "I do," she assured, "you?re my best friend, I trust you with my life." "I?m your best friend?" I interrupted happily. She had never called methat before. Even in the pale moonlight I could see Willow?s face flushing a thousands degrees of red. Her body language changed as she hid her eyes from me. "You sound surprised," she grunted softly, looking down, kicking at imaginary rocks with the tip of her pink sneakers. "That was a good surprise, Will, not a bad one," I assured in an amused tone, tugging on her elbow with mine. "It?s just ? I thought Xander was your best friend," I explained. Suddenly, she looked up at me. Her eyes seemed a darker shade of green in the moonlight, her lips trembled a bit, and her gaze was fixed on me intensely. "It?s different," she whispered. I should have seen it, I should have.It was there the whole time, staring me in the face, even then. So obvious, so clear, her eyes were filled with it . . . love or lust, or both, but I was stupid and mistook what she was trying to say. "Oh, I know," I teased, "its cause I don?t give you the warm and fuzzies, like Xander does," I finished with a chuckle. Willow smiled weakly and let out a small breath. "Something like that," she responded and we continued walking. For fifteen blocks, silence dangled in the air over us, like a dark cloud, and I chucked it up to unresolved Xander issues. The wind blew through the trees ruthlessly, swaying it?s leaves from side to side, and an idea began poking it?s ugly head at me. "Hey," I interrupted the silence abruptly. "How about we do something childish?" I asked, and Willow raised her right eyebrow at me. "Huh?" She asked. I unlocked elbows with her and took a step back, then with one swift jab I poked her on the shoulder. "You?re it!" I announced, and dashed away from her. "What . . . huh . . . I don?t, what?" Willow mumbled as I jogged away from her. "You?re it!" I screamed, without turning around. "As in, it IT!!" Not sensing her following me, I stopped and turned to look at her. She was standing in the same spot, about fifteen feet away from me, with the most confused Willow face I?d ever seen. Her forehead was so scrunched; I could hardly see her eyes. I put my hands on my waist and chuckled, finding humorin her facial _expression_. "You don?t know how to play tag?" I asked. "I do, but, I thought we were, you know, working," she responded, movingher right arm in a stabbing motion to jog my memory, as if I?d forgotten we were supposed to be slaying. "Oh come on, Will," I whined, "live a little!" "Alright, alright," she agreed, with reluctance. She rolled up the sleeves of her shirt and adjusted her skirt so she was comfortable, as if preparing torun a marathon. She looked at the Scooby umbrella she was holding and then looked all around herself confused. "What do I do with the umbrella?" She asked. "Just throw it at me, I?ll carry it," I conceded, getting a bit impatient already. She grabbed the umbrella by the center and threw it at me like a spear. It sliced through the air gracefully, but due to Willow?s untrained arm, missed me by four or five feet. "Sorry!" She yelled, and I groaned. I didn?t think it was going to be that hard to get her to play a game of tag with me. I turned around to look for the umbrella, mumbling under my breath, "I swear to God, if it would have come with a set of instructions in Latin, it would have been easier!" Just then, as I was bending down to get the umbrella, I felt something hit me from behind at full force. I lost my balance and fell forward, landing flaton my stomach, next to the umbrella. I turned over to see what had happened and there stood Willow with an evil grin on her face. "Gotcha!" She blurted, smiling broadly at her accomplishment. "Hey!!" I protested. "That?s so not fair!! You cheated!" "Yeah, right," she snorted, "like trying to outrun the Slayer was fair in the first place!" "I meant the tackle football part, what?s up with that?" I questioned, feigning anger, when inside I was bursting with the urge to laugh. The little vixen had outsmarted me. "I didn?t know you were going to fall!" She defended. "Aren?t you supposed to be stronger, or sturdier or something?" "I was bending over, Will!" I yelped. "That?s definitely the last timeI turn my back on you, you skank!" I laid on the sidewalk, propped up by my elbows, looking at her. The look on Willow?s face as was priceless, she was ohh soo proud of herself. Just asI was looking at her, she took a giant step backwards and raised her hands, palms forward, at either sides of her face. With her thumbs resting on her cheeks, she stuck out her tongue and flapped her hands at me. "Nah nah nah boo boo!" She chanted. Before the information had processed in the tiny noodle that was my brain, Willow had taken off running toward the park across the street, the one that lead into the forest. Then, almost as if the Gods had planned it, as if some higher power was guiding the events, lightning flashed and, for a slit second, the entire night sky lit up. Once the darkness had returned, the deep and loud thunder followed, crackling. I looked back at Willow and saw a flash of herred hair as she disappeared into the bushes. "Damnit, Will, you?re gonna make me get all wet!" I screamed, pushing myself up from the hard concrete sidewalk. One by one, ice cold rain drops began to fall from the sky. First I felt one, and then suddenly there were a hundredand then a thousand, and then hundreds of thousands, like someone had turned the nob on a leaky faucet. I looked toward the park where Willow had run for safe haven and smiled, I could still smell her, finding her was going to be easy. Slayer noses were hard to beat. I jogged toward the edge of the park following her scent. I hadn?t decided yet how I was going to catch her. First, I thought I?d assess her position and hide, waiting for the right moment to jump out and scare the crap out of her, but then, I remembered, Willow had a tendency to faint sometimes, or worse, throw up, projectile vomiting was not of the good. Then, I thought I?d hide and let her think something happened to me, but then it occurred to me she might freak out and the fainting and projectile vomiting fear came to mind again. Puddles had begun to form on the ground as the blanket of rain covered Sunnydale, when a familiar smell lingered into my nose. It was the smell of corrosion and death, of dirt and grass, of blood and sweat. The pungent musk was strong and heave worthy, the stench of evil was overwhelming . . . it was the smell of a vampire and there was more than one. They weren?t close, but they weren?t nearly as far away as they should be. I looked around, desperately, but there was no Willow, and the rain was making it hard for me to see. Suddenly my heart began to race. Willow was wandering the park, alone, in a rainstorm, with vampires on the prowl, and she didn?t even have the stupid umbrella to defend herself with. The game, the childish game I had convinced her to play with me had turned into the mistake that would cost my friend her life. No, no, not just my friend, my best friend, my only best friend and I hadn?t even had the chance to tell her so when she made her confession earlier. I should have told her she was my best friend too, I should have told her how I loved spending time with her, how I trusted her with my most important secret, and how I needed her. I didn?tget the chance to tell her and her smell was becoming more and more faint with every passing minute. "Willow!!" I screamed, at the hope that she?d hear me before the vampires found her. It only took a second for them to kill someone. One second. One second for them to sink their teeth into someone?s neck and drain the life out of them. One second for them to destroy someone else?s life, to consume them and use their essence as fuel. All they needed was one second and I had none to spare. I darted out through the trees at an enormous speed. The roaring sound of the storm around me was loud and disorienting. I strived to listen to what was happening around me, footsteps or screaming, anything, but every time it thundered I was thrown off balance. I was searching for her with angst, afraid I?d be too late, afraid I?d loose her. The last words my mother said aswe exited the house echoed in my mind. "Take care of each other girls," she had said. I stopped running a moment to gather my thoughts. I was going insane with worry, and it was all my fault. A gust of wind hit and the rain began to fall sideways. I was bombarded by an army of rain drops that felt like sharp needle pricks, first one, then a hundred, and then hundreds of thousands. The sky lit up again with lightening and the entire park lit up with it. In the distance, at the edge of the entrance of the dark forest, I saw the outline of people walking. I darted out in that direction and the thunder followed me, shaking the Earth to its foundation. The sky lit up once more and I noticed there were two and one of them was carrying something, only it wasn?t a something -- it was a someone ? slung over their shoulder, and then the thunder boomed behind me once more. The smell of death and corrosion was becoming stronger as I zigzagged through trees and branches, and then, I remember the sky lighting up one last time right before I reached them. That?s when I saw the emerald green shirt on the something they were carrying. The one Willow wore because I liked the way it made her eyes look. "Put her down!" I growled, and the thunder crackled behind me. The two figures turned slowly in the rain. Their eyes were yellow and evil, long razor sharp fangs hung out of their mouths, and their faces were the twisted faces of demons. I saw two skinny long legs kicking over the first vampire?s shoulder. It was definitely Willow; I recognized her sneakers. "Look," the vampire carrying Willow exclaimed, "I told you we?d find one for you quick!" Before the second vampire had a moment to move, I threw my stake at him and he was dust. It was too easy. "Put her down!" I growled, once more. "A Slayer," he hissed, under his breath, and the sky lit up with lightning, revealing his blood stained lips. My eyes narrowed at the sight. I thought he had bit Willow. I thought he had sunk his skanky fangs into her. I was gonna pull his teeth out for it, one by one. "I like Slayers, they?re so . . . tasty," he finished, in a threatening tone and it thundered around us. He dumped Willow on the ground next to him. Shewas gagged and her arms were tied behind her back. This was obviously not a quick feeding. They had plans for her, turning her, maybe, feasting on her all night, or raping and torturing her. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. There was no more time for childish games. "I?d be careful if I were you, I?m well known for leaving a bad taste in people?s mouths," I countered. He took a deep breath and growled an inhuman growl. He jumped, so high at first, that it seemed he was flying, like those vampires in the old horror movies. I moved out of the way quickly and just as he was landing, side kicked him with all my force, hitting him on his right hip. I felt his bones crush through the soles of my shoes and watched as he flew into a nearby tree, growling in agony. Before he had a chance to recuperate, I ran toward him and kicked him across the jaw. Blood splattered out of his mouth against the ground. I grabbed his arm and shoulder, and swung him over my head, slamming him hard on the ground. I took the Scooby Doo umbrella with both hands, and pulled it into the air over head, with one swift stabbing motion, I nailed him through the heart to the ground. "Opps, not wood!" I said, threateningly, as he screamed in pain. I was preparing to kick him once more when I heard Willow whimpering behind me. I turned back to look at the vampire and his eyes were pure evil. He would have killed Willow had I not found them in time. I pulled the small vial ofholy water I carried and forced the vampire?s mouth open with my hand, pouringthe vial?s contents down his throat and over his eyes. In a matter of minuteshe began convulsing and emanating steam, and then he was gone. The rain had begun to get worse, it wouldn?t let up, not even momentarily. I turned my attention to Willow, who was laying face down on the ground. I ran toward her as fast as I could, and knelt by her, searching for wounds all over her neck and shoulder. She kept begging for something with her eyes. I removed the gag so that I could understand her and she threw up all over the ground. "And there?s the projectile vomiting," I said, holding her hair back with one hand, while stroking her back with the other. "I?m sorry, Buffy, I just got so nervous," she whimpered, "they were going to do horrible things to me." My heart melted when she apologized, as if she had anything to apologizefor. It was I that should have been apologizing. I was the one that took her out. I was the one that convinced her to play tag. I was the one that put her in danger. I should have been apologizing, not her. "Shhh, its ok," I soothed, "there?s nothing to be sorry for. You?re safe, it?s all I care about right now," I assured, tracing my hand over her right cheek, "that you?re safe." Willow?s face was, paler than usual. She hada good scare with that vampire and I felt extremely guilty. "Besides, at least you didn?t faint on me again," I said, and just as the words were coming out, her eyes crossed and closed. She slipped into my arms, unconscious. "Crap!" I mumbled to myself, "I spoke to soon." The storm was still going strong and Willow had fainted. I took her intomy arms, holding her close to my body, weighing the options in my head. Takingher home was definitely the best idea but I couldn?t come up with a good excuse for arriving, soaking wet, with an unconscious Willow in my arms. Just as I was walking across the park, I saw a jungle gym in the distance. It was one of those complicated jungle gyms shaped like the letter ?T?, with several swings, a slide and even a set of monkey bars. But what grabbed my attention was something that resembled a little house sitting on top, with a red roof. I walked closer and surveyed the area. The jungle gym was made of wood and plastic, lightning proof, and that was good enough for me. I threw Willow over my shoulder and began the climb up the wood ladder. The little play house was just that -- little. The roof was only high enough for me to fit sitting down but luckily it was wide enough to fit Willow?sbody. I sat near the opening and laid Willow?s head on my lap. Her hair was wetand tangled, and it covered her face. I removed the wayward clumps of wet hair but still couldn?t see her features due to the dark, except for those momentswhen the sky would light up with electric charges and her sleeping face was revealed to me. I rested my head against the wall behind me. The plastic roof top servedas a conductor for noise and the sound of raindrops seemed a thousand times louder in that little play house. I ran my fingers through Willow?s hair, softly, as I waited for her to wake up. "Buffy," she whispered, as her eyes began to open slowly. "It?s ok, Will, I?m here," I assured, smiling at her. "Where are we?" She asked, examining the unfamiliar surroundings. "The fortress of solitude," I teased, looking around. "Sort of I guess,"I finished with a shrug. Willow seemed so confused and disoriented. "I brought you here to wait for the storm to pass," I explained. "I fainted again, didn?t I?" She asked, disappointed at herself. "That you did," I assured, with a warm smile. "At least you were close enough to catch me this time," she conceded. "I?ll always catch you, Will. That?s why you?re my best friend," Isaid, and her eyes lit up with happiness, as if she?d been waiting for me to say that for a while. She tried to get up but her head swooned again. "Hey there," I said, holding her down, "take it easy there Wonder Woman. Close your eyes, I?ll wake you when the storms over." She closed her eyes and smiled an evil smile. "I won," she said, without opening her eyes. "You?re still IT next time we play." "Yes, you won," I assured. Willow stopped talking and I watched her breathing slow down as she fell asleep, a small nap would do The Little Hacker That Could some good. I looked out the opening of the play house at the falling rain and thanked my lucky stars I had found Willow in time, before any harm had cometo her. Suddenly a bad feeling overwhelmed me. I looked down at her and was torn. Part of me, the selfless part, wantedto warn her. Warn her about how hard being my best friend was going to make her life, warn her that things like this were going to happen to her on a weekly basis, that she was going to deal with evil, true evil, every minute of every day. Part of me wanted to scream at her to leave, to get as far away from me as possible, to run and never look back, because her life depended on it. I knew her life depended on it. I knew she?d be in danger and I wanted her to live, I wanted her to be happy and normal, I wanted her to be free. But the other part of me, the selfish one, knew that I couldn?t do it without her. It knew that she was more than just a friend, she was my ally and my anchor to this world, she was a part of the reason I wanted to make the world a safer place. The selfish part of me needed her. It needed her more than it had ever needed anyone before. It needed her friendship, her companionship, and her advice, and it knew, that without her, I would quickly give up. Without herI would loose the will to continue and vanish into the night. It knew she made me strong, it knew she was crucial to the mission, and it knew she?d help fulfill my destiny. It knew, everything. It knew, the truth. It knew, that I loved her. My eyes fluttered open, suddenly. "I loved her," I whispered, staring at the ceiling of the hallway between my room and Willow?s room. That memory had brought it all back, like a part of me that had been hidden away for so many years. "I love her," I corrected, still whispering. I could see again, no more vision polka-dots. My body was still in pain but it was a different kind of pain. It was the pain that came from years of lost love. Why did it take solong to allow myself to see the truth? "I love her," I repeated and warm salty tears filled my eyes. The storm outside had begun and the sound of heavy raindrops was beating strong against the windows. Suddenly the ceiling and walls began to close in on me, or at least, in my mind they were. The long wide hallway seemed to be getting short and narrow, the high ceilings were closing in on me, and I felt as if I were lying in a coffin. A coffin. I had been in one of those before. I had died and my friends had placed me in a coffin, because my heart had stopped beating. I dug my way out that time, banging my bare fists against the lid until the wood made my knuckles bleed and then burrowing a hole through dirt and grass, until the Earth gave birth to me once more. I climbed out of that coffin to step into another one, a coffin I had built for myself. I laid my body peacefully in there and closed the lid, alienating myself from the world, emotionless. I put myself in there because my heart stopped loving. "Willow," I cried, silently, and hot tears burned down my face. The walls were closing in on me fast, a few more minutes and I?d be crushed. My breathing began to labor and it felt as someone was holding my heart in the palm of their hand, squeezing it tightly. The sound of the rain drops outside ceased and the only thing I could hear was my own disgusting heartbeat, growing weaker by the second. I rolled unto my stomach and pushed myself up, on my hands and knees. I had to go. I had to move or I?d be crushed, buried in a grave I dug for myself. I clung to the walls for support as I tried to stand. I needed to get out of that house as quick as possible. My legs were stronger, but not nearly as strong as they should have been. I stumbled down the hallway, bumping into the hall table and knocking over various picture frames. When I reached the top of the stairs, I could barely breathe any longer, my lungs were tight and I was gasping desperately for air. My hand slipped off the banister and down I went. I rolled down the steps like a sack of potatoes thrown haphazardly and the only thing I could hear was my own heart beat. I looked up from the spot where I had landed, at the foot of the steps, and the front door was blocked off by Willow?s suitcases. I hadn?t the strength to pick them up but I needed to get out. I had stopped breathing a few secondsago. I knew that outside I?d be able be breathe again, I counted on it. I crawled on my hands and knees through the dinning room, into the kitchen, toward the backdoor. My eyes were bulging out of my head, already, when I reached the door. I stretched up, weakly, and clung to the door knob. Suddenly, my vision faded again and my heart stopped beating, but my hand slipped and inadvertently opened the door. I landed, face down, on the back porch and, instantly, all the noise around me resumed. Taking a deep breath, I chocked on my own saliva, and began coughing vigorously against the rain puddles that had formed on the floor of the porch. The sound of the storm around me was like a roaring waterfall, but the noise was refreshing. I turned over and lay on my back, taking long ,deep breaths. Tears were streaming down my face. I had done it. I had made it out. The coffin lid was closing, but I made it out. I knew I could. I stood, weakly, and limped down the back steps of the porch, toward the bench that sat in the middle of our yard. My clothes were getting wet from the rain but I welcomed it, so cool and crisp, so familiar and soothing. I sat at the bench, under the pouring cold rain, and, for the first time in a long time, felt free, overwhelmingly free. I had learned the truth in my heart and so I was free, free of living in fear, free of living alone, and free of living unhappy. I?d always known that meeting Willow was not a coincidence. I knew that we weren?t just random leaves, floating on gusts of wind, bumping into each other occasionally. No, our friendship, our love, was so much more than that. Everything was connected, everything made sense, everyone had a reason and Willow was my reason. She was my reason for everything. My life became harder when we drifted apart. But now, everything made sense again, and it was because of her. "Hey," Willow?s sweet voice echoed through the rain, interrupting my thoughts. I looked up and she was standing two feet away from me. She was still in my pajamas, the ones she?d been wearing earlier when I tried to heal her. Her hair was wet and her eyes were red and swollen, as if she?d been crying. I wondered how long she?d been standing there before I noticed. "Hey," I responded, just as softly. "It?s raining," she pointed out, looking at the sky and pouting. "I noticed," I whispered, looking away. I was overwhelmed. I had no idea where or how to begin the conversation. "The house looks like you fought a team of demons," she said weakly, I could see her out of the corner of my eye, still just standing there. "I panicked," I responded, "I needed to get out." "The hall table was on the floor, there were pictures all over the place, I heard a horrible banging noise," she began to say. "How long?" I interrupted, staring at the ground. "It lasted a few seconds, I thought you had fallen down the stairs ? " "How long have you felt that way about me?" I asked, turning to meet her gaze. My question caught her off guard. She stopped mid sentence and pressed her lips together, holding back the urge to cry, raindrops dripping off the tipof her nose. "I . . . Buffy . . . ." She began to explain, but got stuck after my name. "It?s ok, Willow, you don?t have to explain, but there are a few things I should explain," I said. "Buffy, don?t?" Willow started, but I interrupted her. "No, Willow, I need to say this. I need to tell you the truth," I said, my eyes pleading with her. She hesitated for a moment, just a moment, and then nodded slowly as a sign for me to continue. "I love you," I confessed, my voice shaking. Willow?s eyes squinted inpain and a small crinkle formed over her nose, between her eyebrows. She broughther hand up slowly to cover her mouth, holding back tears. "I always have," I said with distaste, angry at myself for having deniedmy feelings for so long. "I must be the dumbest person alive," I conceded, "it was you all along,I knew, I knew it in here," I said, pressing my hand against my heart. "You had to reveal your heart to me before I allowed myself to see?" "Buffy," she interrupted, overwhelmed with emotion. "I love you, Willow, with all my heart, with all that I am," I said, and stood from the bench, walking toward her slowly. The rain was falling lightly all around us and Willow?s gaze was frozen on me. "I owe you my life, and not just because you brought me back last year,"I said, taking a step toward her. "But because you?ve made me want to live," I continued, and Willow?seyes filled with tears. "Because you make me strong," I said, taking another step, a small whimper escaped her lips. "Because I need you," I said, my voice shaking. "Because I want to spend the rest of my life with you," I finished, standing right in front of her. Tears were streaming down her face, mingling with the cold rain drops. I reached out, slowly, and grabbed her hand, it was cold and clammy, and her fingers where shaking. I looked into her eyes and they were screaming my name. She wanted me, like I wanted her. There seemed to be so many things she wanted to tell me. I pulled her into my arms, quick and abruptly, I needed to feel her body against mine. It was warm and soft, and she completed me, she fit into my arms perfectly. Suddenly, Willow burst into loud tears over my shoulder, her whimpers were emotion stirring, and I knew exactly how she felt. "I love you, Willow. I love you. I love you. I love you," I repeated, endlessly into her ear. I couldn?t get tired of telling her. I wanted herto know, I wanted her to understand, how sure I was about it. I was certain. I loved her. "I can?t," she whispered into my ear, and the world stopped. I held her tight for a moment, hoping I had heard wrong. "I?m sorry, Buffy. I can?t," she repeated, crying, and the second time there was no ambiguity. I pulled out of our embrace, slowly, and looked her. She was tortured. I was torturing her with my words. "What are you talking about?" I asked, confused. "Willow, I saw it, I saw your heart. You love me, I saw it, it was in there, you showed it to me," I said, exasperated. "And you also saw the evil in me," she growled. "Don?t you remember? I ripped you out of heaven, took away your peace, only to try killing you myself later. I was going to tear you apart, destroy you, and take the world out in the process," she hissed, hereyes full of anger and regret. "I?m not who you think I am, Buffy. I?m not innocent Willow, my heart is not made of love like yours. I?m a killer, I?m an animal, and the people that love me, end up dead," she whispered. "Willow, please," I pleaded. "No," she said, her tone stern. "You deserve someone better, Buffy, I?m damaged goods," she said, turned, and walked away from me. "Is this about Tara?" I screamed as she walked away. "Are you afraid of forgetting her?" I asked. She stopped for a moment, her back still turned to me, I could see her gripping her hands at her sides as she debated what to do. How to respond. What to say. She turned her head to the side slowly and her profile was outlined in the rain, as she stared at nothing. She was about to say something, I could sense it; any moment now she would look at me and tell me she loved me too. I could feel it in my heart. I knew she loved me, I had seen it, and it was pure. She parted her lips to say something, and, just as I anxiously awaited her response, she changed her mind and continued to walk away. And just like that, she left, and I stayed behind, alone, with the rain. To be continued in Part 4 |