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TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; and all other interested parties. FROM: Director of Public Safety SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for May 2003
:: Small furry little beast steps up to podium wearing favourite ‘Xena’ shirt pausing to look around the room at the gathered crowd. Stopping to arch an eyebrow at the Koala and Gator who are apparently still celebrating Cinco de Mayo judging from the matching sombreros and larges mugs of spiked jungle juice the two are waving around while singing a dirty Russian beer drinking song somewhat off key in Spanish :: Now that everyone has found a seat and the Koala and Gator has been successfully caught and removed from that bar in Mexico without too much trouble. At last report, the five officers they bit are recovering nicely with only minor stitches and have not, as yet, developed any signs of rabies. With that said on with the report… and… er… just ignore our ever absent and quite mad List-dad over there tied to the chair and gagged – it was the only way we could get him here without using the dart gun. :: Little purring menace of a Safety Director mutters something about stupid doctors being worried about excessive use of tranquilizers supposedly being ‘bad’ for a person ::
Item 1: It has been reported that the Silent Panicky Gopher has gotten into an altercation with what has been described as a human in a leather-like two-piece dark suit, wearing a fedora and carrying a feather… apparently the 70s retro-pimp had been walking in the same vicinity as the Gopher and his two little cute-as-hell cubs. According the statement released by the office of Lawyerly Affairs, the Silent Panicky One was defending his sons not trusting the retro-pimp who the Gopher claims looked a hell of a lot like a Riley/Xander shipper and appeared to be trying to corrupt his sons. Further the statement from the OLA claims that any corrupting of his sons will be done by the Koala and Shadowwho are highly trained corrupters of the innocent and would never think of introducing his cubs to strange, disturbing things that would make them grow up and become Insurance Salesmen. They both know Rose and exactly what she would do to them if that happened.
Item 2: Security has been placed on high alert in response from the latest threat from the apparently insane producers of the Cartoon Network who have released a very controversial show in the last few months. It seems that the rumours that the producers have way too much free time on their hands are true… in developing a rip-off of the Muffet Babies in the form of Baby Loony Tunes and are trying to pass it off as new. This evil… deprived show is just further proof of the theory that the producers of Star Trek have somehow cloned themselves and taken over the Cartoon Network. There is no other explanation for that piece of utter crap that has been passed off in the form of a ‘new and creative’ cartoon by this network! The senior members of the Senior Executive Committee of List Gutter Affairs are discussing Wet Noodle Nukingof the entire Cartoon Network; however, since the Network does show some decent cartoons as well we can’t very well wet noodle them too.
Item 3: New credit cards have been found in our ever-absent and somewhat beloved list-dad’s office safe by the slayer’s little sister Dawn and her Cuddle-Gator as the two were in his office to trying to dispel the rumour that his office is being haunted by vengeful dust bunny spirits that keep using his office typewriter to compose death-threats to the cleaning crew’s vacuum cleaner. According to Dawn and her official Cuddle-Gator’s joint statement; they had entered the office using the Koala’s ‘special pass key’ – the one he got from making copies of all of Quin’s keys including the one to the Security Chief’sgym locker. The statement further states that they were huddled near the printer in Rod’s office, waiting for the rumoured vengeful dust bunny spirits to reveal themselves, when apparently Dawn brushed up against the wall safe and it opened by itself and its contents of new credit cards fell out and landed in her lap.
Item 4: Sightings of the Shy One, our beloved Arch-angel of the Gutter and Woods Outback, have been on the decline causing rumblings of panic among our more conspiracy natured dwellers, and are being fuelled by wild rumours from the Koala Kult that always loves a good mass panic, with fearsof part 10c of her “On Occasion” series – which is being co-written by the Dread Parrot and Mad Hamlet at last report – lying in some gutter molested and injured… or even worse – turned into a Buffy/Spike fic! There is also a rumour that has been slowly making its way through our ranks of a Fic-stalker… an honourless fiend that has been lurking in dark corners and jumping out and attacking lone fics it finds… to date we have two fics in ICU; “Aspects of Buffy” and “Thine Own Self” both fics found in remote corners of the gutter with little life left in them. This fic fiend is also rumoured to be responsible for Shadow’s own writer’s block, among the fics in question is the much demanded to be updated fic Stormchaser as well as numerous others. And if it’s the last thing I do, I will find this Fic-stalker and beat the stuffing out of him or her… or better yet tossed the fiend to the demonic cabbages!!
Item 5: Regarding Tater’s prior threat of making the demonic cabbages listen to 100 hours of Britney Spears and sending them to the Office of Public Safety if the update to a certain fic doesn’t get posted soon. Er… … Tater? The cabbages are demonic and possessed…they like Britney Spears, several cabbages are lifetime members of the Britney fan club… how exactly is making them listen to her going to be a bad thing? Besides… I have a 14-year old niece who loves her too… so she doesn’t scare me that damn much… and I do own military grade earplugs for when the Gutter Accountant comes in to complain about the latest bills. Gods that woman has a voice that could shatter sheet metal and scares small children and dogs daily.
Item 6: The Annual Warrior Goddess/Chosen Two weapons and tactics seminar held on the Amazon Practice Field was a rousing success. The ‘volunteer’ sparring dummies were welcome additions to this year’s seminar bringing that realism to the event that made the betting pool all the more fun to part-take in. The big winners of the betting pool were the Gator, Alex the Biker Were-badger, and the Koala who as always used provided as many ‘volunteers’ to act as sparring dummies; although, the Koala is denying that the volunteers were kidnapped Spike/Buffy shippers and claims that the duct tape over their mouths was a safety precaution since the Koala Kult was running low on mouth-pieces and insists that duct-tape is TOO a universal ‘fix-all’ for everything. They have proved nearly a ton of proof to their claim some of it multiple copies of the same thing… but thatis besides the point.
Item 7: Tater will you please come and get the lone cabbage dressed in a white fringed 70’s leather jumpsuit wearing an Elvis wigand is currently singing “Hunka Hunka Burning Love” to our List-mum onthe BuffywantsWillow list? Kimber is standing on her desk with a Louisville Slugger and is blindly swinging at it. So far she has taken out her own desk lamp, printer, phone, and her collector’s edition photo of the Hackerin leather she got at last years Solstice/New Year’s Block Party. Thankfully only the photo’sframe was damaged and the autographed picture itself was rescued by the daring Dread Parrot who had dropped by to give her food and allow her to rest a bit as he took a few swings at the lone cabbage for her. At the moment we are holding off letting her use the lightsabre the Koala wants to lend her, mainly because said Koala has ‘adjusted’ said lightsabre and the last time he fired it up… it actually shot a laser burst through the reinforced wall of the X-women’s Locker Room and came that close {little bat holds up hand with thumb and forefinger barely a millimetre apart} to hitting the X-woman called Rogue who was just steppingout of the shower at the time.
If the lone cabbage is not removed or at least successfully muzzled there is talk of letting Kimber use a 9mm with armour piercing bullets to blow said lone cabbage to Veggie heaven. At the moment, I am reluctant to allow such use of excessive force mainly because everyone would want to do it and there would be a streak of demonic cabbages and/or watermelon slayings… and that cannot be allowed to happen. Unless it happens to be the United Vegetable Empire’s sacred ‘Veggie Blasting Festival’ where all criminal vegetables are executed with high powered fire aims to ensure that only very small pieces of the criminal remains in as large an area as possible with the biggest bang possible, but that has long been a Vegetable Only Celebration and closed to all outsiders. Face it some of our more trigger happy Forest Dwellers would just get it into their heads that Spike/Buffy and/or Riley/Xander shippers are veggies that should be blasted during the Festival. However, that is a racist slur against admittedly culturally different sentient beings and not to mention is down right insulting to the veggies to begin with to be compared to such vile creatures as BS and RX shippers.
Item 8: We have a report of a demonic cabbage coming into the Gutter and Woods Outback Offices and putting his head into the Office shredder and is now calling himself ‘Coleslaw Head: Defender of GreenEggs and Ham’… whatever that is supposed to mean. As far as Security can tell Coleslaw Head and the Elvis impersonating cabbage currently serenading Kimber are no way related and just happen to be in the Gutter Offices on separate business… although, there is some concern that Coleslaw Head is out to torment the Koala who is a known hater of Green Eggs and Ham and has been overheard muttering something about becoming the self-proclaimed Defender’s arch-nemeses if the veggie tries to hack into the Koala Kult’s new Evil-Overload Main Computer and/or does one more midnight raid of the Koala Kult Temple to replace the Temple’s black capes and Darth Vader alter with an oversized hug-able Care Bear Doll.
There is new concern that Coleslaw Head is NOT a native demonic cabbage but is really a foreign cabbage sent to infiltrate and cause division among the residents of the Woods Outback and the United Vegetable Empire. According to rumour, we actually have a terrorist cabbage sent by Dark Yoghurt for Brain’s Liberation of Spam Army that has vowed to takeover the UVE and turn it intoa fundamentalist telemarketer society. As Director of Public Safety and a Senior Member of the Gutter and Woods Outback Self-Defence Force and Lynch Mob I have formally assured Tater thatthe Gutter and Woods Outback will not allow sure terrorist activity to go unchallenged! We will hunt down and destroy this DYBLSA menace… after all those demonic cabbages are ours too and we’re the only ones that can mess with them and cause inter-gutter incidents that almost always involves a gang rumble between the Vampire Fruit Bats and Vampire Tomatoes and someone’s car getting wet noodled.
Item 9: In response to the evils of the Joss-one and other such acts around the world that have resulted in some of our most beloved heroes becoming morons overnight and doing things so out of character and/or stupid many of us have had to stop watching and/or reading our favourite shows, comic books and other forms of entertainment, to keep our sanity… or in the very least stop ourselves from firebombing something that could result in actual prison time and that would be most un-fun! We have established the Sovereign Kingdom of Denial that includes the lands and holding belonging to the United Vegetable Empire, the Gutter and Woods Outback Proper, the Amazon and Centaur Alliance, the small Alternate Universe Intergalactic Space Station and all other protectorates of List-dwellers who wish to seek asylum within our borders. Ladies and Gentlemen, Plant and Animal… List-siblings of all kinds… I present to you the Land of Denial…where the Slayer is lusting after the little redhead hacker… and Joyce Summers is NOT dead!
Rest assured that all safety precautions are being taken… we are building a network of forts and bases throughout the Kingdom to keep out all unwanted elements… we will defend our right to live in Denial at all costs! Our all volunteer military will be headed by the Warrior Princess who is most eager to destroy whoever thought it was a good idea for her be nearly crippled by that upstart Caesar not to mention making Gabrielle give birth to a look-alike demon child! We will have our revenge and all wrongs will be righted…we will go on refusing to go quietly into the night without a fight… this is our right as people of Denial.
That is all, we now return you to your regularly scheduled fan-fics.
ShadowDrake -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}
"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002
AIM screen name: WolfFalke Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow} ICQ Number: 82517628
Web Page: http://shadowlander.topcities.com/
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