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I wake to the sun streaming in through a crack in the curtains and immediately start to close them using magic ? and stop just in time. Osiris is just waiting for a mistake like that one. Using magic would let him rise up while I?m too groggy to control him?I don?t want that to happen. Thinking about Osiris is certainly a great way to become wide awake, it works better than coffee. Though I?m still tired, there is none of the confused grogginess that I normallyhave in the morning. Yep, being possessed by the God of the Dead is a great way to deal with the early morning groggies. I take a quick internal inventory. Say that three times fast ? or not. The little sleep that I?ve gotten has refreshed my mind, if not my body. It has alsohelped me focus on the situation with Buffy. It?s important that out of all the weapons in this house she chose to use her father?s razor, the one thing none of us gave her?I know I might be taking a huge gamble by banking on that one little thing?I just pray that I?m right. I get out of bed and make a quick bathroom stop, there are advantages to having Joyce?s old room, privacy in the bathroom is just one of them. When I get back to the room Dawn knocks and pokes her head through the door giving me a tired smile that doesn?t reach her eyes. I remember the brat, the self absorbed teen from just last year. When her mother was alive, when her sister wanted to be alive ?. I?m sorry Dawny, I sorry you had to grow up so fast. I?m sorry thatyour sister was the same age when she killed her first Vampire. "I heard you moving around," she explains, oblivious to my thoughts. She glances over her shoulder toward the hallway, toward her sister?s room. "Buffy?s awake and she ? well you'll just have to see for yourself." It?s plain that she?s worried about leaving Buffy?s side. I nod at her, and she backs out of the door closing it. I would have preferred to
get some coffee or a bagel or to read War and Peace ? anything before I see her
or maybe that?s just because I don?t want to do this? Duh, you think
I stop by the trunk were I keep mymagic supplies and as I open the top the bile rises up in my throat and now I?mhappy that didn?t have that bagel or coffee. What's with me that I can?t keep anything down? Still the tension is
building inside me and this time it has nothing to do with Osiris. It has everything to do with my love for
my best friend. I brace myself to
leave the room that All I can do is think about Buffy. It's only three steps to her room, but it feels much longer this morning. I hear Dawn talking so I pause right outside the doorway and listen. "Please eat something Buffy." Dawn?s pleading with her. "No, Dawny, I?m just not hungry." She answers her sister in a flat monotone. That?s not good; Buffy always uses her voice to convey emotion. Much like her expressive face. "Hey, Buff just a little?" It?s Xander. "Where is that legendary Slayer appetite?" "I don?t know Xander? Maybe it?s in heaven?" Oh boy, this is bad. ?Well, youwere expecting good?? That inner voice is really beginning to get on my nerves. "Buffy," Giles warns. "What Giles? Put that gun down and let?s talk about it?" Ok, sniping sarcastic Buffy just made an appearance. ?Showtime'. I think; and the tension I was feeling in my nice comfortable room just turned into ? I don?t know more tension, the most tension ? delaying again Willow. I steel myself for what I might find ? what does steel yourself mean ?you become like steel? I don?twant to be like steel I want to be caring and loving so I?ll know what to do. Oh, just go in there. I walk into the room and immediately I?m assaulted by the heavy emotions swirling around in the tiny space. Fear is coming from Giles and Dawn?anger from Xander?grief from Buffy. Dawn stands up and lifts a tray of food off the bed and carries it to the make-up table. She then backs away givingme a wink, the hope is shinning in her eyes. She believes in me, she believes that I can help her sister and I have no idea why. Her faith in me islike a physical blow and I nearly double over from it. I avoid looking atthe Slayer for a moment to regain my composure. My eyes just happen to fall on Giles? he and Xander are backing up to stand against the wall. Like Dawn they pound me with their hopes. I flash onthe despair I felt yesterday--everyone wanting me to fix things; I?m just not worthy. At that thought I feel Osiris rumbling, knocking on the lid I slammed shut last night. He?s not pushing, yet. Just checking for an opening, I don?t give him one. Giles settles the tranq gun in the crook of his arm. It's pointing in the vague direction of bed though, he doesn?t have it aimed at Buffy. And it comes back to me, this is my fault, I might not be able to fix it, but I have to try to help. I feel the pain rising up and burning its way through me because I know; I just know that if the council gets their hands on Buffy then she?ll give up. She?ll let them drug her or do what ever it takes so she can sit and daydream about heaven day in and day out until she dies. So which is better, she dies here, right now or dies later in the jail made of her own mind? Oh god! I don?t want her to die! I shake my head to clear it; I have to push it all down. I let one lone tear escape to run silently down my face. "Well are you justgoing to stand there and stare at the suicidal emotional cripple?" Buffy?s biting words cut through my concentration and I turn my head toward her. She?s carelessly sprawled on top of the bedspread with the pillows stacked up next to the headboard. It looks like she?s washed her face because the tear tracks from last night are gone. I want to open the?sight?
that "We?re waiting?"The Slayer says, then sits up. I notice Giles aims the gun right at her until she settles back against the headboard. She pulls her legs up to her chest and then wraps her arms around them. "You'rein charge of this little freak show aren't you?" She says defensively. I open my mouth tospeak, to say something, anything, but nothing comes out?I literally can?t getmy voice to work. How am I going to help Buffy if I can?t talk? "What?s the matter Will? Guilt got your tongue?" The venom in her words stings me. 'And you were expecting her to open her arms and give you a hug?' The rest of the Scoobs fade into the background as I purposefully walk around her bed and stand next tothe window. I can?t worry about them; my mind is to full as it is right now. I can only concentrate on her. It?s always been her, since I first met her. ?I love you Buffy.? It pops comes out of my mouth. It just jumped out and into the air. ?What? How dare you ? You can?t,? she sputters, and the anger I saw earlier sparks over into rage. She doesn?t move, she becomes so still it?s frightening. She's one of those big cats getting ready to pounce and I?m her prey. I have to turn my back on her, before I blurt anything else out. I try to school my _expression_ into a neutral one. When I turn back she?s still trying to form a reply so I answer her previous question. "No Buffy, guilt doesn?t have my tongue; it doesn?t because I don?t feel guilty about bringing you back." I try to build up my courage by pinning her with my gaze. But then something even more frightening happens. Her face goes completely blank. I know that look, she?s drifting off. I know I have to push it or I?ll loose her. "I did feel guilty, I felt terrible, I felt so bad last night I asked Giles to kill me?." That got her attention. "Then you know what I want." Her voice is less than a horse whisper. "All I want to do is go back." And now she turns her head and her pain filled gaze pins me to the wall. "Will, youwere my best friend, if you truly loved me as you claim?." She continues sitting up and then kneeling on the bed. I force myself away from the wall; I literally have to concentrate on getting my feet to move the two steps up to her bed. I reachout to her; I stroke my fingers down the side of her face, feeling the silken texture of her skin, trying to convey all my love in the touch. She allows the contact, staying still, her eyes pleading with me. "I do love you Buffy," I'm able to admit my feelings to her at last. ?I?ve loved you so much and for so long ?.? I can?t continue. I can?t say the next words out loud; I can only say them in my mind and hope that my touch tells her the rest. "But no, I won't kill you." I see her flinch at my words. And it wounds me. She crumbles down into the bed, lying prone with her face buried in her hands. I sit down next to her; she?s not crying, she?s hiding. "Buffy, please look at me?? I ask and she turns over. "I?m sorry you were pulled out of heaven, I'm sorry you hurt so much, but I?m so thankful you are back?." I didn?t see the slap coming, one second she?s just lying there looking sad and the next my cheek is stinging. "Shut-up
I watch stunned asBuffy rolls over and gets out of the bed. She stands at the foot of it with her hands still clinched at her sides. A slow trickle of blood leaks from between her fingers to fall on the carpet. ?I love you, Buffy.? There my mouth goes again; the words jump out and hang in the air between us. And it?s like she has been struck in the face by the strongest vampire. Her head jerks to the side and her body whirls around. She ends up leaning her forehead against the closet door. Her shoulders are locked, the muscles rippling under the loose tee she?s wearing. I can hear the dry panting as she struggles to get her breathing under control. I count the breaths she takes, one, two three ? I can?t help it ? I have to take my mind off what I?m about to do. She turns back around at four and now it?s my turn to fight for air as I see the raw, the naked, fear?no?longing in her bright eyes. "I gave and I gaveto this Hell; I gave everything I had, every dream, every love, everything I ever wanted, I gave it?." The tears overflow and start to streak down her flushed cheeks. I can feel it, I can feel her pain and it?s like all her nerve endings are scraped raw. She has no defenses, she has no barriers, all her emotions are open and they are consuming her. "I gave it gladly,I gave it willingly and with love because that was who I WAS, Willow. Past tense?was ?." She chokes, she's crying so hard that she can barely squeeze in a breath between the sobs. "And then," She has to stop again. "And then ? I--All that I ever wanted or needed, all the love ? I can't tell you, I can't explain it." But she doesn't have to because I see it on her face. I can feel it coming off of her in waves, the terrible agony is instantly replaced by a wonderful peace, a wonderful feeling of completeness, that all the love in the world was all for her, she had earned it, this was her reward. It was her right to be that loved, that warm, that finished. Until I ripped herout of there--and after the glimpse I?ve gotten of it, of heaven, feeling the pain that comes rushing back is all the more crushing. It nearly drives me into the floor. How can she stand it, how does she do it? Minute after minute? Moment to moment? I wouldn?t have the strength ? it's not strength ? it's love. She?s still able to love; of course she would still be able to love?heaven?she was immersed in it. "Buffy," I sigh her name instead of say it but it's enough to get her attention. Enough to pull her out of whatever daydream she had fallen into for those few seconds. "You're right, I can never understand it." "Don't give me anyof your pity!" She spits out, "I don't want it! Damn it, I just want to go back! Why can't you just leave me alone! Why can't you see that?" It's like I've been slapped again. She goes fromthat incredible love, to that horrendous pain; no wonder she wants it over, for it to end. Now it's my turn to breathe, now it's my turn ? I'm crying so hard I'm having trouble forming words. ?I love you, we love you, and I know you still love us!? She turns back to face me again with an incredulous look, shaking her head no. ?No, I don?t love you, I can?t love anyone right now?don?t you understand I can?t feel anything!? She shouts it, thinking that volume will add force, will make the words true. But I?ve figured out the real truth, even if she doesn?t know it herself yet. I finally stand upfrom the bed and reach over to pull the razor blade out of the window sill. I shake it at her. ?Then why did you try to use this to ? to,? can?t say the words. ?Instead of any number of other things in this house?? I take a step toward her. 'Oh God!, I don't want to do this, please God, Goddess, Creator, Yahweh, please help me, please make this be the right thing to say? to do.' I pull out my Athame from the sheath Ihad hidden it in and wave it under her nose. ?Why did you try to use this,? I hold up the razor blade again,"instead of something like this?? I throw the tiny razor to the floor and show herthe 10 inches of sharp steel that I use as a ritual knife. ?I-I-I?? ?Stop stuttering,? I yell, my face inches from hers. ?You didn?t use one of the weapons lying around the house because of the pain it would bring me?or Giles who taught you how use most of them?or Xander who made some?or Dawn.? She?s shaking her head no, so I grab her face like Giles did to me last night. I force her to look at me; I force her to see her truth in my eyes. Then I tell her very slowly so I know she understands ? ?I will not kill you, I don't want you to die." I release her face and pick up her now limp hand; I turn it over and place my Athame in it.
Tbc in Part Seven C Bright Blessings,
Ivy
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