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Part Eight B I wake to the wonderful
feeling of soft fingers stroking my face.
As I come up further I realize that I?m lying on a bed embraced by
someone. It?s not
?Will?? Buffy asks quietly. She moves her hand away from my face and then a warm cloth is placed over my eyes. ?Giles said that when you woke up your head would hurt.? She tells me, pressing down on the cloth with a slight pressure. ?When you?re ready he left some tea to settle your stomach.? ?Thunks? I whisper and then realize that my mouth isn?t quite working. And with the speaking comes the headache. ?Agh.? Well that was clear at least. ?I know Will, remember I?m
concussion girl?? She says quietly. The bed moves as she shifts, picking up my
wrist and rubbing the pressure point that ?I have the curtains closed so the light shouldn?t be too awful, do you want to risk a look?? She takes the cloth off my face, and I open my eyes slowly; she?s right, the light doesn?t seem too awful. I realize that we are in her room, in her bed. Buffy is sitting onthe edge. She reaches over to the table and gets a cup, I smell it and it?s the same thing as last night. She watches me quietly while I drink it, just as last night I immediately feel better. ?Giles told me what has been going on.? Buffy tells me taking the cup back and placing it gently on the table. Her actions slow and deliberate; which means she?s very upset and trying not to show it. ?You?ve been asleep for hours, so I?ve had time to do some thinking.? She tells me, putting her hands together in her lap. Most of the time Buffy can handle her supernatural strength with the grace of someone born to it. But every once in while it gets the best of her and she has pulled doors off their hinges or crushed a drinking glass without meaning to. Xander and I woulduse that as sort of Buff-O-Meter to gauge her emotions. The way she placed the cup back on the dish and then put her hands in her lap tells me that she?s spiking in thered. Buffy won?t lookat me, she?s looking everywhere in the room except at me. It also seems that she?s not going to elaborate on what Giles told her. ?Where are the others?? My mouth is finally working as I sit up against the headboard of the bed. I?m happy that they felt comfortable enough to leave Buffy alone, but I?m worried about it too. Buffy is going to need help, support and love; just because the first crisis is over doesn?t mean there won?t beanother one. My head pounds in time with my thoughts so I rub it to try calm it down a bit. ?I promised themthat if I decided to ? leave ? I would do it in front of them.? My mouth drops open; it has so long since that Slayer insight of hers had kicked in that I had forgotten about it. Of course if she promised, then they would feel safe in leaving her alone?Buffy doesn?t lie?except about heaven. The nagging little inner voice pops up to remind me, that it wasn?t a lie?if I hadn?t been so full of myself I might have seen through the act. ?Will?? She touches me to get me back from where I had floated off too. This last Osiris bid has worn me down worse than I thought. I can barely concentrate ? the others. ?Where are the others?? I repeat. She?s worried about me, I can tell from her look. ?Giles and Xander went to
pick some council people and someone from a Coven in ?We have to talkWill,? she tells me and stands up to start pacing. I hide the smile because it?s been a while since I?d seen Buffy pace and I just love her all the more for it. ?I know, Buffy.? And then that?s not enough, the words just shoot out of mouth. ?I?m so sorry Buffy, I?m sosorry I yanked you out of heaven!? I rise up to my knees on the bed. A sick dizziness grabs me for a moment at the sudden movement, but I am able to breathe through it without Buffy noticing. After a few seconds, and a lap around the room, she stops. ?I know you are Will, and I really want to ? I really do want to ?.? Herwords trail off and I know that I am not yet forgiven, nor do I deserve to be. She tries to start again, ?WillI want ?.? I cut her off. ?I know you do Buffy, you just can?t right now, and that?s ok.? I reassure her. ?You may never be able to forgive me.? I tell her earnestly. I want her to understand that if she can never do it, it will be alright. ?But I want to, Will!? She starts the pacing again. ?I want to because I love you, but I?m so angry at you too.? She stops facing the closet door, her shoulders taut, the muscles in her arms are cords. I pushdown the hope that surged up at her confession of love. For some reason I can tell that when she said the word this time, she didn?t mean it as a friend. She meant it as a lover. The only problem is I know that there are more words coming, and I?m not going to like a lot of them. ?I don?t understand how I can love you so much that it hurts,? she turns toward me. ?How can I love you like that?? She pauses, her _expression_ one of beauty. And again I have to push down the hope that she could love me; that all my dreams for the past six years could be realized. Then her face shifts, and I feel a sudden dark tension fills the room. This is it, this is the other shoe. She was always good at projecting her emotions, and that?s what she?s doing now. ?And I hate you, too.? When she says the word hate I?m crushed; I knew it was coming; I had no hope and yet I did, I did hope that she could one day forgive me. This is normally the place that Osiris would rise and let himself be known, but since I was expecting him, he stays still, quiet. I?ve figured out one of his games and I need to get rid of him before he thinks of another. I shake the thoughts of the
Dead God out of my head; this is Buffy?s time. If the Witches from
?Buffy I understand,? I start, false ?Best Friend? platitudes on my lips, she?s so frail?. ?No you don?t!? She shouts and then takes a deep breath. Her hands clenching at her sides as she tries to regain control of her wild emotions. ?You don?t understand because you can?t. I don?t hate you so much ? as I hate me!? I wasn?t prepared that revelation. ?I hate how you see me,
what you think I am, I?m not ?But I don?t?.? I try to get out only to be interrupted yet again. ?Yes you do.? She stops, looking at me, her eyes burning with their intensity. She has all this rage built up and she needs to give it voice. And I need to ? just stay quiet and listen. She nods, and starts moving again. ?I?ve lived my life trying to be ?the best friend,? or Xander?s hero, or Giles? Slayer, and Mom?s perfect normal daughter ? I tried and tried ? and it exhausted me.? ?I?ve always tried to believe in the reflection of other people's wants and desires for me, and never what I wanted or desired ? except when I died.? Buffy stops talking, stops moving, she?s perfectly still, lost in her thoughts. ?But Buffy ?? I start trying to nudge her out of the daydream. ?Quiet, I?m talking now!? She whips around as the anger touches the surface, then she gives me a small smile in apology. After taking a deep breath she continues: ?Now it's time for me to figure out who I am, what my new place in this world is, besides taking care of Dawn, where do I belong, what do Ido with the rest of my life?? She walks over to me, she lifts her hand and gently traces my lips with her fingers. I close my eyes andlean into the touch. It?s heavenly to be caressed in that way. She lifts my chin and I slowly open my eyes. She looks down at me, her face is so full of love it takes my breath away. ?But
?I understand, I?ll have Xander pack my things ?.? I?m proud that my voice only cracks a little. I start to stand up ?. Only to be roughly pushed back down to the bed, by two strong hands on my shoulders. ?You still aren?t listening to me!? Buffy shouts, frustrated. Her hands on my shoulders force me to sit still as she continues. ?I said I love you, and you told me you loved me, was that a lie?? ?No, I ?.? Imumble, totally confused, and yet unable to stop the hope that is budding once morein my chest. ?Giles tells me that you
have to go to ?I don?t know ? it makes sense ?..? And it does, one full year. ?At least to become a novice.? I tell her, thinking out loud. ?Then I want this year, I want to find out who I am, what I?m doing back here, and you need to do the same.? She comes back toward me. ?One year for us to become ? novice?s at living.? She standsbefore me, in her full Slayer glory. The hope that had been crushed just moments ago rising up again, against my will. ?But one year from tomorrow, when you are finished healing from this God thing, or becoming, or whatever you have to do ?.? Buffy says, looking down at me without the pain that I?ve become accustomed to seeing. ?And in one year when I?m healed and know me, not the Slayer, I want you to come back here ?.? I can feel it, I can feel
the hope, the love, rising up through me, burning a path, creating a new
?I want you to come back here and let's see if we can ?.? She runs out of words. She opens her mouth but nothing comes out. She sits down next to me. She gives me that shy half-smile of hers and she very slowly and carefully leans over to give me a small chaste kisson my cheek. A small kiss that curls my toes and sends sparks through my body. Buffy stares down at the
floor. ?I love you ?Yes!? I tell her! ?Yes, yes, yes!? I take her into my arms and we fall over onto the bed. I kiss her face, I kiss her strong hands, and I can?t stop whispering yes, over and over into her ear. ?Cough!? The word echoes loudly from the doorway. And we both jump up off the bed together ready fora fight, only to see Xander standing there. He has the happiest smile on his face I have ever seen, his eyes areso bright that they seem to be glowing. ?About damn time.? He tells us, as Giles and Dawn join him in the doorway. ?About what time?? Dawn asks, confused. ?I caught them necking.? He tells her, triumphant. And Dawn squeals like a baby seal as she rushes into the room to give us a hug. The release, the permission to behappy is needed, Buffy and I can?t help but get caught up in Dawn?s sweet reaction. We hug her back ?. Until Giles breaks the mood. ?I ah, hate to break this
up?.? He starts taking off his glasses to clean them. ?But, ah, Miss Hartness is downstairs,
the Council has leant us their private plane, it's refueling as we speak.? He
tells me, tells Buffy, ? ?I understand Giles.? I look down at Buffy. She bites her bottom lip to keep from saying something. I think I know what it is, but it can?t happen, not now, not yet. ?A Year then??I question, and at her nod I turn towards the door, to my family. ?I want to say good-bye now,? and I in turn hug each of them. I can?t look back at either Buffy or Dawn or I won't have the strength to walk out the door. ?The Coven asks that you bring nothing ? it's their way, you enter the world with nothing?.? Giles babbles, following me. ?It?s fine Giles,? I tell
him. It doesn?t matter what I take
to He seems to understand without words; he stops, and lets me see the pride he has in me for the first time. It shines through him, lifting his shoulders, making him straighter, and if I?m not mistaken he appears to be years younger. As I walk down thestairs I think about the last day and a half and while I?m glad its over, I can?t help dreaming of the future. As Isaid earlier in the day, I will go to England, I will rid myself of this God, I will learn my lessons?then I will come back to Sunnydale and claim my lover?my future.
The End
Special Notes: I owe this story to Ann Marie; I've never worked so closely with another person before, I've never had a BETA reader stick around for more than one or two story parts. If you are on this list and have time, offer to be someone's BETA. It really improves the story.
Bright Blessings,
Ivy
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