End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for November 2003

TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; and all other interesting parties.

FROM: Director of Public Safety

SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for November 2003

Once again we gather to recap the mischief, mayhem, and total chaos that the dedicated band of delinquents and trouble-makers who have sworn to uphold the Gutter and Woods Outback’s sacred motto of “naked hacker and bard pouncing NOW!” have managed to unleash. As always the bounty on the little bard’s green bilious sports bra top {whatever it is} stands… there are reports that it only hindered the efforts of a certain frisky dark semi-reformed warlord during those late summer nights near swimming holes in ancient times.

Item 1:

Regarding the annual turkey stampede… once again we had a large group of those ugly ass birds only good for eating running amok through the western edge of the Woods Outback near the Amazon swimming hole. While it is new for the stampede to be taking place near the Amazon territories – giving these particular warrior’s known hostilities toward outsiders – the office of Gutter Security is formerly announcing they know nothing of the alleged guiding of turkeys off track to expend the chaos that always accompanies the activities, instead of leading the stampeding birds toward the big fire pits in orderly fashion.

The security personal that have been sighted during the turkey stampede are there only to keep bystanders from being trampled by the ugly-ass birds with the sense of direction the gods gave a grapefruit. Gutter Security Chief Quin has released the following statement: “Have you guys ever been run over by a panicked turkey? Well I have… it hurts!.. And all the gobbling is near maddening to the point you want to grab your personal wet-noodle launcher and just nuke the hideous birds into the Stone Age!”

{Side Note: The stampede drovers have always been drawn from the United Vegetable Empire as well as from the scores of volunteers who enjoy chasing after ugly flightless birds with high-powered bb-guns used for the ‘special’ tenderization while alive and on the run method we have all come to love. Although, we are taking steps to closer monitor the cleaning and dressing of said turkeys to get out all the stray BBs to avoid any more Gutter Resident, Forest-dweller and/or Veggie chipping a tooth during the big fests later.}

Item 2:

Regarding grapefruits having brains… at this point there is no proof that a grapefruit has any type and/or kind of brainwave functions whatsoever. In fact it is well documented that a rock and a box of chia-pets do indeed have higher brainwave functions then the aforementioned grapefruits. As such… I will be paying Tater for losing our little bet… once she figures out which fic she wants updated and if she has decided on making her cameo appearance in a fic or not.

Item 3:

It has been reported by the Office of Gutter Intelligence and Wild Rumour Mongers that there is a small and growing band of List-Lurkers who have begun to tentatively commit random acts of mischief and mayhem in and around the Gutter Proper and Woods Outback. To date this little band of Lurkers have managed to steal… er,.. liberate a tanker truck of fertilizer and deliver a rather large load of it to the headquarters of the B.S. shippers and the Gabby/Joker shippers. While little is known behind the logic… {yes – I did manage to type that word with sort of a straight face} behind the fertilizer dumping there is one clue that Gutter Security is following up – a rust-oleum spray painted sign on the side of a cow that reads: “Save the Orcas”.

Item 4:

The Office of Gutter Security and Public Safety has cleared our resident shade-wearing Koala of any part in the spray painting of the cow… face it, if Sam was involved it would have been glitter-pink spray paint with international safety orange highlights and the cow would have been locked in a room with a large stuffed ear of corn. Although, it has been proven that the Koala did stop and give directions to our little band of intrepid List-Lurkers starting out on their chosen path of mischief and mayhem. The veteran List Trouble-makers wish them only the very best of luck in this noble profession as well as would like to point out the necessary forms to fill out for getting access to Rod’s credit cards and the Gutter and Woods Outback Bail Fund and stash of Get-out-of-jail Free Cards. As always the Office of Gutter Intelligence and Wild Rumour Mongers will happily help provide and/or think of the proper and ever-handy alibis to tell the necessary law enforcement agencies. If anything it will buy time while you are slowly backing towards one of the Gutter and Woods Outback patented “bolt holes” that link the Emergency Tunnels in escaping the advancing evil adult-type beings.

Item 5:

The Roaming Band of Mad Poets and Bards have called for a Holy Crusade to find the fabled Lost Temple and Nudist Spa of Aphrodite of Demoana that has long rumoured to of been captured and carried off by a group of ultra-religious and sexually repressed monks sometime in the sixth century. Mostly due to a slip of the tongue by a young German monk when he referred to the time frame as being the ‘sechs century’ that was mistook as ‘sex’ by his non-Deutsch speaking brothers. According to legend the monks – fearing retribution from Gutter-dwellers of the second century if they destroyed the Nudist Spa– had the sacred temple moved brick by brick to some unknown location. The Poets and Bards have vowed not to rest until the Temple and Nudist Spa is found and relocated to the Kingdom of Denial. It is of popular opinion that said Temple will look just fantastic next to the South Gutter Hot Tubs providing more hot tubs and large bathing pools for possible use by frisky dark warlords and/or golden or dark slayers.

Item 6:

Plans are well underway for the annual Solstice/New Year’s Block Party, as promised we will be holding the mother-of-all-parties in the new Kingdom of Denial Festival Grounds in which there will be a live weapons demo and the firing of the traditional bottle rockets. To avoid the little mishap of last year in which we nearly shot down Santa’s sleigh… we will be providing the Silent Panicky Gopher with a better targeting system and additional rockets to take out a certain group of flying reindeer that keep wrecking his roof every time they land on it and scaring his little cubs in the middle of the night with all the racket!

Item 7:

Oh Gus…we found your roll of duct tape, the bent piece of rebar, the box of carpet tacks, and the three Chinese chopsticks you were looking for. They were in the old ice bucket on top of the bookcase in the Conference Room for some reason. You can pick them up anytime at the front Security Desk… as well as your Sasquatch and Jehovah Witness Repellent you were waiting for.

That is all… we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.

ShadowDrake -

Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002

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