End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for January 2004

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO:  The Director of Public Safety; All Department Heads; and all other
interested parties.
FROM:  United Vegetable Empire
SUBJECT:  End of the Month Gutter and Woods Outback Safety Report for
January 2004


> Item 2:
>
> Regarding Demonic Cabbages with the noose-on-a-stick thingies& Tater I
> thought you knew about that.  I was under the impression you were aware of
> the situation or in the very least knew of it, but were happy to let the
> Cabbages have their new toys since the noose-on-a-sticks DID stop all the
> dancing!  Its one thing to have a Possessed Demonic Cabbage Patch, those are
> our Demonic Cabbages and were damn lucky that they are  for the most part
>  on our side!  However, it is quite another thing to have said Demonic
> Cabbages Riverdancing and/or Vogueing & some things are just wrong even by
> our standards!!  :: shudders at memory of the all Cabbage version of
> Westside Story put on during a Gutter Talent Show one year ::  
>
> As for the noose-on-a-sticks, the Cabbages did get them from the Animal
> Control Maniacs that fell/were pushed/dumped/lured into the patch by
> assorted forest-dwellers who were being mercilessly stalked by evil humans&
> & as was reported in last months/year end Gutter and Woods Outback Report.
>
> Anyway, the Demonic Cabbages took a liking to the noose-on-a-sticks and were
>  according to Gutter Security  using them for spinach-lynching& something
> Security Chief Quin assumed was strictly a United Vegetable Empire matter
> and pretty much left it at that.  As long as the Cabbages are semi-quiet {by
> Gutter and Woods Outback standards} and are not trying to set the South
> Gutter Hot Tubs on fire  AGAIN  they are generally the UVEs problem and
> responsibility.  

Oh we don't mind them having the noose-on-a-sticks.  We really are quite
grateful that they've stopped dancing.  We were just a bit concerned about
where they got them.  We were afraid they'd raided a hardware store or
something.  That could be bad.  Very, very bad.  Imagine the Demonic
Cabbages in possesion of the contents of a Home Depot.  **shudder**

The spinach-lynching is a salad/coleslaw rivalry thing.  It rarely spills
over onto anyone else.  We'd much rather they did that than Riverdancing.


> Item 3: 
>
> Report from the BeeGees Camp:
>
>
> The BeeGees have set up a temporary camp on the edge of the Gutter and Woods
> Outback and we would like to know if there's anyplace in particular that you
> want us, or if we should just pick an empty spot and start building.  We
> apologize for all the ruckus last Saturday night... some of the more
> rambunctious among us caught a Spuffy lurking in the hedges and decided to
> have a little fun.  They were made to release it back into the wild
> (slightly the worse for wear but not permanently damaged) and gently
> chastised.  The Golden Slayer's birthday was celebrated in as much style as
> is possible in a temporary camp, complete with singing, merry-making and the
> imbibing of certain intoxicating substances.  Rumors that a certain
> bespectacled Brit got out his guitar and sang love songs all night are
> denounced as completely unfounded.  It was only half the night.  The BeeGees
> would like to thank the G&WO for allowing us to join you.  
>
>
> ~~Rainne :)

Well, since certain members of the UVE enjoy a good Buffy/Giles fic now and
then, the BeeGees are welcome to move into the open space down by the lake
west of the Veggie Palace.  The ground is a bit rocky and unsuitable for
gardening, but it should be fine for construction.  I should warn you
though, we tend to have loud parties at the palace and you will be in
hearing range.  You'll just have to come to the parties.


> You will all note that the BeeGees are not claiming responsibility or
> knowledge of the& & eggplant in the white polyester leisure suit that
> knocked over our resident Scooter Tramps beloved bike.  Of course
> considering how upset and just plain ticked off our resident were-badger is
> at the moment& its probably for the best that no one is claiming they know
> anything about a leisure suit wearing eggplant.  The UVE representative just
> looked at us funny when we asked about eggplants in leisure suits& & we have
> officially apologized to Tater and her Veggies for scaring them with such an
> evil and just plain ewwwwww mental image.

Let me just state here for the record, veggies of any kind do NOT do leisure
suits.  Ever.  Even the cabbages wouldn't sink that low.  The eggplant must
have been dead and thrown at the Scooter Tramp's bike.  It would have died
just from the horror of finding itself in a leisure suit.  If we ever find
out who is responsible for this, this... unspeakable abomination, we will
have to come up with a whole new horrible punishment.  None of the current
ones are horrible enough.
 


> Item 5:
>
>
>
> If it is the last thing we do& we will get the author of that song& one day
> when he least expects it& were feeding him to the Demonic Cabbages!!
> Volunteers to join the Dread Parrot and his crew in this most holy crusade
> to kill Ensign Wesley need only to sign up at the docks& and remember to
> pack the tar to be boiled& and to take their seasickness pills regularly
> while out at sea.  


Absolutely not.  There will be no feeding of the author of that song to the
Demonic Cabbages.  If they eat said author's brain, they will start singing
the song.  None of us want that.  You can throw him in the mulcher behind
the palace and we'll spread him on the back lawn.  The back lawn is very
well-behaved and never sings.


tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)

Head:  United Vegetable Empire



"It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
"I kinda love you."
Buffy & Willow, 'Choices'

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