[buffywantswillow] FIC: Finding Willow 1/1

[CDRERamius@xxxxxxx]

TITLE: Finding Willow 1/1
AUTHOR: Tony McD
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whendon, Mutant Enemy, WB and 
others. This is for fun, not profit.
SUMMARY: Buffy talks about her feelings and receives some wisdom from someone 
who knows.
SPOILERS: Season 4
DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere is fine, just email me first at CDRERamius@xxxxxxx
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Another story in what I have now called the "Xander's Way" 
series. Only none of the stories are connected. The other stories are 
"Lameness That Cares", "What's in a Name?" and "Loss"

* I can't believe I'm going to tell him this* Buffy thought. She stopped 
just short of the green door, hand frozen inches from knocking. Finally she 
overcame her doubts and knocked.
"Who is it?" he called out.
"Xander, it's me, Buffy."
"Come on down Buff."
She descended the stairs to Xanders dank little basement and saw Xander 
lounged on his sofa bed watching some action flick.
"Hey Buffster! What's up?" Xander chirped.
"I really need to talk to someone." she told him.
"Pull up some mattress." he told her as he slid over to make some room on 
his bed. He was still in bed having decided to have a lazy Saturday watching 
movies.
"What are you watching?" Buffy asked as she sat beside Xander.
"Believe it or not it's 'Interview With A Vampire'. Call it my form of 
research." he said.
"Oh. Um. Could you turn it off for a bit. I really need to talk to you 
and besides, I see enough vampires in real life without Hollywoods version."
"Sure thing." Xander said. He reached over to get the remote and in the 
process the sheet fell to his waist. Buffy looked at his broad, muscular 
shoulders and chest and realised that her friend has become quite a lush man. 
*Damn! When did Xander get so buff? No wonder Anya would not leave him alone. 
I guess four years of killing vampires will keep you in shape.*
"OK what's up?" he asked.
"Could you put a shirt on? I'm finding it a bit hard to talk to you 
seriously when you're half naked." He reached over and grabbed a shirt. He 
was going to mention that he was in fact totally naked under the sheet but 
decided not to. Something must be seriously wrong if Buffy was coming to him 
for a serious talk.
"All right Buff" he said when he finished putting the shirt on. "What is 
it that brings you here to talk to me? I mean don't get me wrong, I love that 
you are talking to me but you normally talk to Willow or Riley if you have 
something serious to discuss."
Buffy looked a little uncomfortable. "It's something that I can't discuss 
with them and there is no way I am going to tell Mom or Giles this. So I'm 
down to talking to you." she said. Instantly she saw the pain in his eyes at 
the remark.
"Oh shit! That didn't come out right. I mean..." she was cut off by 
Xander.
"It's all right Buff. I know what you mean. Come on and tell me this big 
secret of yours." Xander said quietly. He had resigned himself to the fact 
that he no longer played a role in Buffy or Willow's lives any more. But it 
still hurt.
"It's about Willow. You see when Oz came back and he could control the 
wolf I was all excited for Willow. It meant that she and Oz could get back 
together and she would be happy again. That's when she told me about Tara. 
And I guess I kind of freaked." Xander looked at Buffy angrily. He couldn't 
believe Buffy was homophobic.
"What? You afraid that she might hit on you? That she might want to get 
into your pants?" Xander said with some anger in his voice. Willow was the 
most important thing in the world to him and he would protect her from anyone 
who tried to hurt her. Even Buffy.
"No!" Buffy cried out. "That's the problem! I wanted her to! I wanted her 
to kiss me! Damn it Xander, I love Willow!"
Xander just sat there. A shocked look on his face. Again his world had 
been shattered and he tried to think of something to say. Finally he managed 
to regain his power of speech.
"What? I mean, what about Riley?" he asked
"I like him. I even love him, but nowhere near as much as I do Willow. 
I've loved her for longer and she is the centre of my universe. It's just not 
the same."
"Have you told Willow how you feel?" Xander asked.
"No. I can't. I mean she has Tara and I have Riley and I don't think she 
likes me in that way. I don't want to destroy our friendship by me telling 
her that I love her only to have her tell me she doesn't feel the same way." 
Buffy had tears in her eyes but these disappeared when Xander began to laugh.
"XANDER! You insensitive pri..." Xander cut off Buffy's out burst.
"Buffy, I'm not laughing at you. I just find it ironic. You and me are so 
much alike." he said gently. Buffy now was just confused.
"Huh?"
"We are the same. You see, I loved Willow for years. Even before you came 
here. I mean I really loved her in the sense of marriage and eternal love. 
But I didn't tell her because I was afraid. I was afraid that she would 
reject me or if she didn't then I would do something and screw up everything, 
and lose our friendship. So I did nothing. Then along came you and along came 
Oz. By the time I did something about it, it was too late. The clothes fluke 
at Homecoming changed everything. We started to drift apart.
"Then when she was in a coma after Angel attacked her, I gathered my 
courage and told her that I loved her. And you know what? She called out for 
Oz. That's when I knew that I had lost her forever.
"Now you are her best friend and she is in love with Tara. We aren't 
friends any more; not the way we used to be. If it wasn't for slaying she 
wouldn't even talk to me."
"Xander that's not true! She is still your friend." Buffy interjected.
"Buffy. Just look at me and Willow now. You know is true." he told her 
with sadness and pain.
She thought about it and realised that he was right. Not only had he lost 
Willow, he had been left behind and ignored by herself as well.
"Oh Xander, I'm so sorry." Buffy said as she began to cry. Xander held 
her to his chest and rocked her.
"It's OK Buffy. I still love her. I always will. But I made the mistake 
of not telling her how I felt until it was too late. Now I must live with 
that. It hurts, Buffy, more than words can describe. I have resigned myself 
to trying to protect her and you from what is out there. That's the only 
reason I'm still here in Sunnydale." he gave a bitter laugh. "Hell, I can't 
even do that! You, Giles, Riley, Tara, Willow are all better at fighting 
evil. All I can do is get in the way."
Buffy looked up at Xander and saw the pain of a man who had lost the love 
of his life.
"Buffy. I was never good enough for Willow. But you are. I really care 
for you and I want you both to be happy. Don't make the same mistake I did. 
Tell her how you feel because if you don't you will lose her too. If you do 
and she feels the same way about you then you will have gained the most 
precious thing in the world. Willow Rosenberg."
He gently kissed the top of her head and let go of her.
"Go. Find her and tell her your feelings. If you don't you will end up 
like me and I don't wish that on anyone." he told her. Buffy slowly nodded 
and headed for the stairs. When she had left Xander looked around his dark 
basement. He saw nothing that kept him there. He rose, dressed, and packed a 
bag.
As the bus left the town, Xander saw a sign. 'Thank you for visiting 
Sunnydale. Please come again.' He mulled over it as it passed. *Maybe.*