Fic: Slayer World (Preface?)

[Phoen Dusk <Dusk@xxxxxxxxx>]

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is owned and copyrighted by Joss
Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Warner Bros., and Fox Television. The Real World is owned
by Murray/Bunim Productions, MTV, and Viacom. Bringing a lawsuit against me
might win you my computer.
(Child: Mommy, mommy, look! A Pentium 166! Can we get it, please?)
(Mother: No, we already have enough coasters at home.)
Summary: What your mind might produce when depressed about your lack of a
sex life and drink too much Jameson? or so I?ve been told.
Spoilage: I?m doing an imitation of the WB and throwing continuity way out
the f#$&ing window. Buffy and Giles are both pre-?Welcome to the Hellmouth,?
Willow and Xander are pre-?When She Was Bad,? Angel is pre-?Surprise,? Faith is
straight off the dancefloor of The Bronze in ?Bad Girls,? and Cordelia is
post-?Homecoming.?
Warning/Rating: NC-17, if more is demanded. Straight and slash? but no
animal sex. Well? <shudder> No. No animal sex.
Feedback: Only if you promise to not include .WAV files of you laughing.
Distribution: If you?re that sick? just double-check with me first.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer ? The Slayer World
FanFiction by Phoen Dusk

Buffy: This is the true story?
Willow: Of seven people?
Xander: Picked to shack-up together?
Angel: To have their lives taped?
Giles: To discover what occurs?
Cordelia: When people stop being polite?
Faith: And start gettin? real.
Buffy & Faith: The Slayer World.
All: Philadelphia!

[As the opening credits end, we see the scene shift to a young, blonde woman
standing outside a burning gymnasium. The flames dance off her eyes, as the
screams of the undead echo into the night. She has a calm, thoughtful smile on
her face, as the act both thrills and horrifies her simultaneously. She turns
slowly, noting the camera for the first time.]
Buffy: Um, hi. My name is Buffy, and I?m the Vampire Slayer. I just
torched my high school gym because a vampire was trying to raise up an army of
undead bloodsuckers, and it?s my job to stop them. Why do I want to be on the
show? Um, what was the name of it?

[The scene changes, and we find a redheaded woman and a dark-haired young man
sitting on a pair of stools at a table inside an all-ages nightclub. They are
quietly stealing glances out onto the dancefloor, as though wanting to be out
there, but afraid to take the steps. The redhead notices the camera, and taps
her companion in the shoulder. Focusing his attention on her, she points
towards the filming crew and begins to speak.]
Willow: Hi, I?m Willow, and this is Xander, and we?re students at Sunnydale
High School. We?ve lived here all our lives, and we know this town better than
anyone.
Xander: Well, maybe not everyone. Deadboy?s been around awhile.
Willow: Xander, leave Angel out of this. You know how much he?s been
missing Buffy.
Xander: Speaking of Buff, that?s why we want to be on the show. She?s been
gone all summer, and we miss her.
Willow: Yeah, but spending time together has been nice too, right?
Xander: Yeah. Kinda why we both wanna be on, staying together and all.
Willow: Besides, what?s a Slayer without her best friend?

[Yet another scene change, and the camera is now broadcasting a picture from
inside a rather rustic-looking library. A gentleman, polishing his glasses,
steps out of a side office dressed in a tweed suit. He takes note of our
presence, and proceeds to address us.]
Giles: Hello, my name is Mr. Giles, and I am the librarian at Sunnydale High
School. I am also the Watcher currently appointed to the Slayer, and I have
been told she will be arriving in town shortly. If you were to ask, I suppose
the reason I wish to be included in your documentary is so that the Slayer can
receive the proper guidance she needs to complete her destiny. Are you quite
alright?

[Waking the cameraman from his nap, we assure Mr. Giles that everything is
indeed fine, and proceed to our next houseguest. Though we swear he was
standing there at the time, our cameras seemed to experience technical
difficulties, so all we can offer is audio.]
Angel: Hi. Buffy and I are kind of seeing each other, so I?d like to stay
as close to her as possible. You know, watch her back? just to make sure she?s
okay. Is that it?

[Our next tenant is a striking raven-tressed beauty whom we ran into outside the
same nightclub we met Willow and Xander in, though she was rather upset about
something when we caught up to her. We apologize for the language used.]
Faith: Where the fuck is she? (notices crew) You! Where the fuck is B?
You know, don?t you? (camera clatters to ground, as its operator is in a bit of
pain) Listen to me, you little prick? and I do mean that literally. If you
don?t take me to where B is right now, I?m going to rip your dick off and shove
it so far up your ass you?ll be able to piss out your mouth. Now (high pitched
squeak can be heard off-camera), where is she?

[After hiring a new crew and replacing the damaged camera, we found out last
houseguest in a tattered evening gown, walking through the streets of
Sunnydale. It took us a while to catch up with the tall brunette, but when she
spied us, her face was instantly lit with a dazzling smile and an effervescent
personality.]
Cordelia: Hi! I?m Cordelia, the reigning Queen of Fashion in Sunnydale. I
had an incident earlier, thanks to Buffy, which is why my dress is in this
state. (inaudible question from off-camera) Why do I want to be on the show?
Well, for one thing, I possess obvious star-power, which will boost your
ratings. Also, I can help those poor slobs look presentable for your
international audiences. That, and maybe I can teach that bastard Xander what
it means to scorn Queen C.

[We now turn our attentions to the house where these people will be living for
the next few weeks, in the 300 block of Bainbridge in historic Philadelphia. A
quiet, three-story side-by-side a block north of South Street. What will unfold
there between these radically different people?]

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