Gutter Report

["Shadowlander" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads, The United Vegetable Empire; and all list
members
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: Gutter Report for 05/Sept/2000

Since I know that there are several of our American list-members who
still maybe recovering from their Labour Day holiday, I will try to keep
this brief so those members can get back to their headaches and
hangovers in peace.

Item 1:
Clean up of the List Gutter's Labour Day party and poodle-boy shaving
tournament is coming along nicely. Although security has reported that
two of their high-powered turbo razors and brick shredders have not been
returned. Since we do know who signed out the turbo razors we are
giving them three hours to return them or the attack lawyers will be
unleashed to recover them for us.

Item 2:
To the UVE - regarding the matter of cabbage patch exorcism -
Have you tried the Brooklyn Biker Nuns of St. Bart's? Granted they are
a bit unorthodox and tend to terrorize local chapters of the Hell's
Angles when in town, they are also some of the best exorcists in the
business, next to the Holy Thunder Biker Club and Demon Hunters.
However Holy Thunder is currently unavailable... they are currently
trying to exorcise the House of Representatives in Washington, DC and
will not be free until sometime in the next millennium I'm told.

Item 3:
Security has been getting reports of a pair of demonic twin clowns,
calling themselves Raggedy Ann and Andy, terrorizing one Xander Harris
of Sunnydale. While the two have not been seen in the outer areas of
the gutter, a demonic watch has been issued to be on the safe side.
This is only a watch, there is no call for panic on the list, and we are
just taking the needed steps to stop any of the gutter residents from
being terrorized by these two creatures.

Also I have been in contact with the UVE and while the two demonic
clowns do have the same cuteness level as the demonic cabbage patch -
there is no proof that these particular demons were spawned from that
patch.

Item 4:
Regarding the Elmer Fudd wanted posters recently posted in the Woods
Outback -
While Mr. Fudd does have a record for hunting rabbit and duck out of
season, assault with a deadly weapon, and butchering Wagner, as well as
being a general menace to both, usually, peaceful species. Security is
a bit puzzled over the wanted posters being posted in the Woods Outback
in the first place. After all, Mr. Fudd was issued a restraining order
and spent thirty days in the List gutter's dungeon for attempted
rabbit-cide of the Bunny Slayer a few years back, no one believing his
story about the insane Brit named Ethan putting him up to it. Mr. Fudd
is also aware that if he does ever return to the Woods Outback to hunt,
"that wescally wabbit", he will be shot on site and fed to the demonic
cabbage patch.

Item 5:
Security has been getting reports of all night poker games and rummy
tournaments being held in the big oak by the path leading to town in the
Woods Outback. According to one of the reports a Koala with shades, a
wise badger, and a demented vampire fruit bat have been blaring Blondie
and Queen at all hours of the day and night, making prank phone calls to
the Sunnydale Civil Air Defense reporting "unidentified flying objects
over their little heads", and have started a petition to have the
remaining weasel boys all neutered from the shoulders up, for the sake
of the weasel race.

Item 6:
A Koala wearing shades was reported on the campus of UCSunnydale roaming
the halls of Stevens Hall and singing "I want it all", by Queen. While
I'm not exactly sure how the human security guard, that made the report
could tell what the Koala was singing in the first place, I am not
discounting the report. If such a Koala is found singing Queens
greatest hits and wearing ray-bands please do not approach. We have
reason to believe that the Koala has gotten into some spiked "jungle
juice" that was left in the cupboard of the demented vampire fruit bat
in the old oak tree by the path to town. If the Koala in question
starts singing, "Its not easy being green", please notify security
immediately, so that the little red fox can be properly sedated before
going into a homicidal rage.

That is all, we return to you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.


Shadow --
Director of Public Safety of the Senior Executive Committee on List
Gutter Affairs and vampire teddy bear; Official Dungeon Keeper and Big
Bad. Official woods outback vampire fruit bat.