List Gutter Announement: New Residents in the Woods Outback

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Head, United Vegetable Empire, and All Other
Interested Parties
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: New Residents in the Woods Outback

Good afternoon,
It has come to my attention that after numerous attempts to repair the
time rip that has formed near the Woods Outback the rip remains open.
Also reports of immigrations from ancient Greece have also risen in the
form of two tribes, more commonly known as the Amazons and Centaurs, who
have settled in the western part of the Woods Outback and the small
valley beyond respectfully. Since the List Gutter does have an open
membership policy and no one wants to risk irritating either part by
asking them to leave - they do look like two rather short tempered
groups, so they should fit in quite nicely in with the rest of us.

As with all newcomers to the List Gutter and Woods Outback we would like
to remind them that there are a few Gutter Rules and Regulations that
are expected to be followed, to the best of one's abilities. Do to the
nature of our new Woods Outback residents a few amendments have been
added to the rules to accommodate them. The amendments are as follows:

Number 1:
No taunting, poking or making eye contact with the trained attack
lawyers. They are notoriously ill-tempered and without any sense of
humour whatsoever, while we are not sure if this is a genetic trait or
is a conditioned response, we ask that no one but the trained attack
lawyer handlers do any poking.

This also rule also applies to the Amazons with a change to; no
taunting, poking or staring at their cleavage for prolonged periods of
time, unless you happen to be a member of the tribe and that particular
Amazon is rather fond of you to begin with. The Amazons have sharp
pointy swords and are prone to torture people at the drop of a helmet
for such insults as calling them "girls", "little lady", "harlots", and
have been known to go into homicidal rages when asked; "So where are the
real warriors... you know the men of the village." Or being told that
their beloved princess tells really crappy stories... in the event of
any of these possible insults occurring you will die a slow, painful and
quite possible humiliating death.

Gutter Security cannot protect you, nor will they even try... hundreds
of enraged Amazons running amok in the List Gutter in mass riots are not
a good thing and will be avoided at all costs. You insult them, you
will pay the price for your foolishly, insane acts.

Number 3:
Do not buy any tickets to the all-nude slayer musical "Stakes for the
Memories", no such musical exists or will ever exist. The so-called
stage production is the product of the mad ramblings of one of our more
eccentric members with a passion for show tunes and nudity.

This also goes for any Amazon festival... they are strictly "members
only" parties and frown on party crashers. In the event that there is a
party open to members of the male gender... please give long thought to
actually attending such a party. They want you for only one purpose and
will kick you out of camp the next morning... with or without your
cloths depending on their mood at the time.

Number 5:
All state and local laws on the consumption of alcohol and operation of
motored vehicles are in effect for the List Gutter and Woods Outback,
although our penalties are a bit harsher. If caught endangering the
general public while in a drunken state you will be tied to a chair and
forced to watch Donny and Maria, the Partridge Family, and the Brady
Brunch reruns on a wide screen television for an entire month. For
repeat offenders you get two months of Barney, the Teletubbies, and, Bob
Ross, that annoying guy on PBS that does all those landscape paintings
and speaks in monotones.

In regards to the Amazons... this has been amended to: "the operation of
chariots, horses or Centaur powered war wagons." Since neither the
Amazons nor Centaurs have been exposed to the evilness of certain 70s
television shows, a different punishment for first time offenders has
been developed. If caught endangering the general public while in a
drunken state you will be tied to a chair and forced to listen to "The
Greatness of Roman Man: Why Females and Centaurs are Inferior", written
by some dead guy that we understand got ran over by a speeding war wagon
no less then 23 times. According to the legend a legendary Centaur and
his Amazon wife were operating the war wagon at the time. And the ever
so popular; "How to Marry Your Daughters to the Local Warlord" and
"Women: Are They More Valuable Then Sheep?" both works, strangely enough
written by ancient writers that met very violent and somewhat bizarre
deaths. Especially if you take into account the shear meanness and down
right painfulness of dunking some one in warm honey and then dropping
them into a Griffin's nest.

As of right now those are the only rules and regulations of the List
Gutter that apply to the Amazons and Centaurs... future additions and
amendments will be add as event warrant.

Before I go I would like to address a few issues that are of some
concern to all parties with our new residents in the Woods Outback.

Item 1:
The tunnels being dug under the Amazon communal bathhouse by one Bill
Gopher are for drainage and not, as it has been rumoured, "peep" holes.
Not only is Bill a happily married gopher, with a somewhat possessive
wife, and is a very proud papa, he is most importantly well.... a
gopher. While he does find humans to be a somewhat strange furless
bunch that don't always scare young cubs in the forest... looking at
them naked is the furthest thing from his mind. He does have a wild
Jamaican squirrel mate that would kill him.

I do understand the Bill has been sighted in and around the Amazon
village long after digging hours. I assure the Amazons that Bill is not
a threat he is just mostly curious... he doesn't meet many beings that
know how to throw really good parties. However if he should approach
and start showing pictures of his little cub Matthew, just humour him
for the most part, he'll go away after showing them to you. And he does
only have 83 of them he can carry at one time. "This is Matt sleeping."
"This is Matt drooling." "This is Matt drooling while sleeping." And
so on... for the most part he is harmless and a hard worker... he is
also an extremely proud papa as one can tell by that goofy grin he gets
every time you ask him about the rug rat.

Item 2:
Reports of the demented vampire fruit bat {or flying fox} is actually
the were-pup what was caught on tape howling outside the home of a
certain Warrior Princess during the last full moon. When asked the
reason for my actions, I apparently growled into the camera; "it was the
mimes, the mimes made me do it... oh the horror, the horror... it was
the MIMES" why I said this is still a bit of a mystery even to me.
Although I am official blaming it on the Joxer Society of the Ethical
Treatment of Dipsticks, I was harassed and harried by them all night
with their phone calls and petitions to have Joxer replace Xena as
Gabrielle's lover.

Item 3:
Reports of a warrior rabbit and her bard squirrel sidekick moving into a
small tree stump near the big oak tree by the path leading to town are
true. Both newcomers to the Woods Outback spent a relaxing weekend with
a certain flying fox discussing the proper use of chakrams and breast
daggers. I would like to go on record right now as saying I know
nothing of the unfortunate mishap involving Sammy Koala that turned his
fur into a pink and blue skunk-like scheme... I only took the pictures
and threatened him with blackmail.

Item 4:
The small cave on the edge of the forest has been taken over by a naked
Gabrielle and a tall dark warrior as a second home and "love nest". The
rules regarding the South Gutter of no video equipment or taking
pictures in the area also now apply to the cave. The warrior is
rumoured to get in rather violent and sadistic moods when she can't do
naughty things to her little bard. In the interest of continued list
safety... please stay clear of the small cave, and yes that does include
a certain scooter riding badger.

Item 5:
Spiked jungle juice is NOT to be given accidentally or otherwise to the
tall dark warrior's sidekick Gabrielle. It is reported that the bard
has a sensitivity to herbs and alcohol... one legendary incident
resulting in her leading a chorus of rock singers and declaring her
companion's beauty to the same group of rocks. Need I remind the List
that all of our rocks and boulders are quite tone deaf, not even able to
hum without sounding like a goat is being murdered?

That is all, we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper.
Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox {Fruit Bat} of the Woods Outback.
The Big Bad and Little Comma.