End of the Month State of the Gutter Report

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; The Amazon
War-Council; and all other interested parties
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter Report

Okay I know I'm a day late with the State of the Gutter Report, however
I was getting the remains of a tooth pulled - apparently some dippy
British mage with way too much free time on his hands was turning rocks
into fruit. And as a vampire fruit bat I naturally was out looking for
dinner and got a broken fang for all my trouble... I want that human
found and shot before Dawn, she's a nice enough human and may enjoy a
good execution.

With that said, on to business:

Item 1:
The First Annual Great Centaur Races have come to a close marking, what
we hope, will be a long and proud tradition. Among the winners was
Xenon, son of Ephiny, who won the colt category receiving a kiss from
Queen Gabrielle and a free lesson in the proper use of the crossbow from
Amazon Weapon Master Eponin.

Item 2:
Reports about roaming bands of scooter tramps and Amazons singing; "Give
me a home where naked Gabrielles roam and the skies are not filled with
chakrams all day" - please do not panic. For the most part these are
harmless, if rather off key, carolers and do not mean any harm. However
if any of them start singing the "Joxer the Mighty" song please alert
security at once and the offensive singers will be put out of everyone's
misery.

Item 3:
The request to have listmum {of the buffywantswillow and
buffyloveswillow lists} be dipped in butter and tossed to the
dark-lobster, has been denied. All reports indicate that she would
enjoy such a fate and it would not get her to stop leaving us with all
those damn cliffhangers she seems so fond of lately, so another more
appropriate punishment will have to be thought of.

Item 4:
Regarding our recently vamped listdad {of the buffywantswillow and
buffyloveswillow lists} there are new developments in the evil he has
been committing. Apparently the rumours that he has joined a blonde
vampire in a bid to take over the List Gutter and Woods Outback are
unfortunately true. That would be the blonde vampire Harmony not the
bleached wonder Spike... the latter vampire does have some self-respect
and wouldn't be seen in the company of another Ms. Edith lover. {He is
still a bit miffed over his fall out with Dru after nearly a century of
lust and blood, but that is another story.} Reports have vamp-listdad
and Harmony gathering a new minion squad and trying to take over the
section of the Woods Outback that have been given over to the Amazon
Nation for their new temple to Artemis Goddess of the Hunt and Moon.
Exactly how far the demon that wears our beloved, and quite mad,
listdad's face will go is still unknown, although security is taking
volunteers for the Emergency Resouling and/or Staking Party that will be
dispatched in the very near future if listdad continues to bring
dishonour and shame to the Gutter and Woods Outback.

Item 5:
Regarding the recent soaking of the were-badger Alex, after a lengthy
investigation the mysterious tidal wave that hit him has been traced
back to a rather ticked off lake sprite who took offense to something
the badger said in a drunken haze. The events leading up to the tidal
wave in the usually calm lake are as follows, according to several
Amazon and Forest Dwellers who witnessed the incident. At approximately
0354 on 19.10.00 one Alex W. Badger was seen leaving the residence of
the demented flying fox that lives in the big oak by the path leading to
town, after another night of playing rummy and blaring Queen, Blondie,
and Meatloaf throughout the entire forest. On his way back to his den,
Mr. Badger stopped by the calm waters of the big lake and apparently
started hurling insults and expletives at the still waters. Witnesses'
report he seemed rather determined to quote "dam the lake" end quote.
After approximately ten minutes of the somewhat off beat, if not
impossible, cursing a huge tidal wave rose up and drenched the
were-badger on the spot as well as causing minor flooding in the burrow
of the bunny slayer and her little red fox companion. The bunny Slayer
and her companion have since relocated to a larger burrow near the
Amazon village where they have been adopted by some of the younger
Amazons. It is still unknown at this time why Mr. Badger felt the need
to dam the lake, although he has been mumbling something about British
mages and their damn "London Fog" mixed drinks. The matter is still
being looked into at the moment.

Item 6:
Regarding the missing firing of a wet noodle launcher into a gathering
of vampire tomatoes near the hot tub in the south gutter... spaghetti
will be served at the local Gutter homeless shelter and the home for
wayward forest critters. Also the new hot tubs are in and will be
installed as soon as we get the spaghetti out of the old ones.

Item 7:
Security has been getting reports of little blue creatures, wearing
white, that seem to have moved into a mushroom patch near the demonic
cabbage patch, further reports have the creatures constantly repeating
the same word and singing something that sounds like "la-la-la" all the
time. At the moment we have no information regarding the origin of
these creatures, however we are prone to believe that they are an
unfortunate byproduct of the aforementioned demonic cabbage patch or
possible the "Joxer: Prince of Warriors Society", who we believe may
have been eating the mushrooms. Either way please stir clear of the
mushroom patch and report all sightings of the little blue creatures.
However we do caution just stepping on the things, at the moment we are
unsure if they will leave an unsightly stain on the bottom of your shoe
or if the stain may try to eat through the shoe itself.

That is all, we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper.
Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox {Fruit Bat} of the Woods Outback.
The Big Bad and Little Comma.