FF tell me I was dreaming (5/?)

["Christeen Demons" <Shyfox30@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Disclaimer: The Characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer belong to Joss 
Whedon. This story belongs to me.:-)

*****

Willow was still thinking about what Buffy?s grandmother had said, as she 
sat at the cafeteria table, reluctantly eating the vegetable soup that Joyce 
and Nana had insisted she get. Her stomach twisted every time she took a 
sip of the warm, bland tasting liquid, that had just enough soft vegetables 
in it to be considered soup instead of broth. She really hadn?t wanted to 
leave Buffy?s side for a moment, and had recieved both encouragement and 
badgering in order to even consider it. Giles had offered to accompany her, 
and Willow had accepted hesitantly, leaving the two older women to watch 
over her comatose wife.

She swirled the contents of her bowl around with her spoon, brooding on 
recent events as she again wondered how they had managed to come so far from 
where they had started from...

?Mind if I sit down?...
Why...I mean...H-hi...?

Giles watched as she played with her food, wincing at the lost look he saw 
reflected from the normally bright and cheerful eyes. He coughed to get her 
attention, then watched as she picked her head up to look at him. ?Would 
you care for something else?? he asked, in a quiet, sympathetic tone that 
quite frankly got on Willow?s nerves. Although she did her best not to show 
it.

?No thanks, Giles. I?m just...not up to eating I guess.? She put the spoon 
back in the bowl with a defeated sigh, then pushed the bowl away from her as 
the aroma of the soup played havoc with her stomach. She put her head in 
her hands, and tried to control her breathing enough to quell the queasiness 
she felt rising. She felt a warm hand gently rest
on top of her shoulder and felt herself cringe under the touch. She didn?t 
deserve his sympathy, and she certainly didn?t deserve his pity. She was 
the reason Buffy was where she was at in the first place.

Her lips clamped down over the scream she felt bubbling from deep inside, 
unsure where all of the rage and hostility was stemming from. It scared her 
how close she was to just losing it in front of Giles, and in front of 
everyone in the cafeteria. She felt like just letting
loose and screaming out all of her rage and terror. The only thing that 
stopped her was the knowledge that if she started she might never stop.

*****

Xander peeked gingerly around the corner of the door, peering into Buffy?s 
hospital room for any sign of his best friend. He didn?t want to intrude if 
Willow was visiting Buffy, but he hadn?t seen the red-head since she had 
passed out the night before, and he was extremely worried about her. The 
only person he saw though, besides a shadow of one of
his very best friends, was her mother sitting in the chair beside her.
Joyce picked up somber eyes to look at him when she heard him approach the 
bed and gave him a slight smile before her attention turned back to its 
heavy regard.

?Any changes?? Xander asked, in a hushed whisper, staring with disbelieving 
eyes at the sight before him.

?None yet.? Joyce answered, aware of what he was asking. She wasn?t sure 
what to look for...had never watched her daughter recover from anything 
after she had become the Slayer, and wasn?t sure if she had even taken the 
time to bandage a boo boo when Buffy had been younger. Seeing her now made 
her realize of all of the lost opportunities she had
missed while Buffy had been growing up. She would trade any gallery meeting 
or business meeting now for a few more spent hours with her daughter. Even 
when they had moved to Sunnydale, she had missed so many things because she 
was too busy working...too busy being a single parent to really realize what 
was going on with her. She had thought that fate was giving her a second 
chance really, to be the kind of mother that
both Buffy and Willow deserved.

But how many second chances do you really think you?re going to get with 
her? Joyce asked herself, as she examined the pale, yet still beautiful 
face. It scared her how much Buffy put on the line every night. How many 
times had her daughter come close to dying without her ever realizing it?

Did it really take her daughter coming this close to death before she sat up 
and smelled the roses? All of those lost opportunities seemed to step up 
and slap her in the face, and she found herself recoiling as she remembered 
her worst moments as a mother.

If you walk out that door don?t even think about coming back.? She couldn?t 
believe that those words had really exited her mouth until she had seen the 
shocked and suddenly shuttered look that had come over her blue eyes. Then 
her daughter had walked out the door without looking back. It was the worst 
moment of her life, worse than leaving Hank
had been, and the guilt she had felt while Buffy had been away had made her 
lash out at the one person she could justify feeling angry at. Besides 
herself, of course.

Giles and Joyce had to deal with those emotions while they had been forging 
a relationship, and had even managed to get past them, but it had put a 
certain strain on things at the beginning. He was the man who she blamed 
for taking her daughter away. It wasn?t until she made herself realize that 
she was the one to blame that she could even
begin to let that lie. And yet, she realized that she had never really 
asked for her daughter?s forgiveness for not being there when she had needed 
her the most.

She didn?t like examining the fact that it might have been the reason she 
was so quick to throw herself into Buffy?s present situation. Even though 
Willow was a dear, sweet girl that had received nothing but trouble from her 
overbearing parents. And even though she looked forward to her grandchild?s 
birth almost as much as her two daughter?s did. She couldn?t help but 
wonder if this was her way of making up to Buffy for all of the times that 
she hadn?t been there for her. And would all of her efforts be in vain if 
Buffy herself wasn?t there to see it?

?You want me dead?? Buffy had asked her another time, when Joyce had 
suggested that maybe Faith could take over her duties of being the Slayer.

?What?!? Joyce had asked, shocked that her daughter could even ask such a 
thing.

?The only way I get to stop being the Slayer is if I?m dead.? Buffy had 
told her, quite calmly, missing the look of horror that had filled her eyes.

As much as Joyce hated the fact that her daughter had to go out every night, 
risking her life and limb for the sake of humanity, she hated the thought of 
losing her daughter even more.

*****

Xander could see Joyce was lost in thought, so he sat down in the chair 
beside her and unwittingly began doing what Joyce was doing. Examining 
every interaction he had ever had with his friend, The Slayer.

He studied the bruises on her face, thinking that they didn?t make her any 
less beautiful, then remembered the first time he had seen her as he had 
been riding across the quad on his skateboard. He had been so captivated by 
her, that he had wiped out and flipped over a railing. He had known right 
away that she was something special, something out of the
ordinary from the usual class of girls that went to Sunnydale high. He also 
remembered being instantly attracted to her.

It hadn?t been until later that day that he had realized just how special 
she was...and then she had pulled him into this totally new and different 
world full of vampires, and demons and things that go bump in the night. 
And he was totally hooked.

He had to admit that he had liked going from a virtual nobody...a 
loser...to being a part of something that was bigger than he was. A true, 
working part of the Scooby gang. His attraction for her had never 
completely gone away, even though he had Anya now and knew that Buffy and 
Willow fit together like two peas in a pod, but he had always known
that what Buffy had given him the most was a sense of belonging, and he 
really wouldn?t trade that for anything in the world.

Xander couldn?t stand the thought of her dying, because if she did, he would 
lose his best friend...his high school crush...his greatest support...but 
most importantly, he would lose his hero.

*****

Willow?s heart beat in time with the steady beeps coming from Buffy?s heart 
monitor. She could feel herself growing sleepy and lethargic as the silent 
vigil went on, but she refused to leave Buffy?s side for a moment tonight, 
and wondered vaguely how she had been able to convince the nurses and 
doctor?s to let her stay. They probably just didn?t want an obviously 
distraught, pregnant woman on their hands, Willow thought with an almost 
hysterical giggle, before she clamped down on the urge with an Iron will.

She had managed to convince Joyce and Giles to go home and get some rest, 
though Xander was camped in an uncomfortable looking plastic chair down in 
the waiting room. She had tried to convince him to go home as well, stating 
that she?d be fine left here alone, but Xander refused with a stubborness 
she was all too familiar with. He had respected her
wish to be alone with Buffy, however, finding his way to the waiting room 
not long after Joyce and Giles had headed home.

So, now she found herself alone with Buffy, and wasn?t quite sure what to do 
with herself. She tried pacing for a short while, but the small confines of 
the room didn?t really allow for that, and she found herself growing tired 
much sooner than she thought she would. So sitting and staring seemed to be 
the only option she had left. But the silence became too much for her and 
she soon found herself talking to the person that she had always been able 
to tell anything to.

?I?ve heard that people can hear you when they?re in a coma. I hope that 
it?s true. I hope you can hear me Buffy.? She took Buffy?s hand in hers, 
starting to chafe the still fingers between her own as she looked down upon 
them. ?Because I miss you so much. I miss you so much it hurts.? Two wet 
tears fell from her eyes and she felt her earlier anger returning. She 
wiped the tears away, almost angrily as she stood up and started pacing. 
Then turned and looked at the unmoving body.

?Damn it, Buffy. Why?d you have to do it? Why?d you have to jump?? Her 
voice sounded hoarse through the thick moisture of her tears. ?You Promised 
me you?d be here...to help me raise our baby...and then you just jump...like 
it?s nothing??

The scene flashed through her head again...Buffy coming to untie 
her...looking up to see Faith coming up behind Buffy with the knife, the 
look in her wife?s eyes when she felt the knife penetrate--that look of 
regret that she thought that she would never forget for as long as she 
lived--, and that silent goodbye that Willow had heard loud and clear, 
before Buffy had turned to face Faith.

Willow knew that what Buffy had done, she had done for her and that 
knowledge twisted the knife within her own heart. ?I?m sorry. I?m so 
sorry.? She whispered, grabbing the rail of the hospital bed and feeling 
her knees start to buckle. ?I know it was all my fault. I
should never have let her in.?

The deep voice she heard behind her, stopped her speech cold. ?You 
shouldn?t blame yourself. It wasn?t your fault.?

Willow turned around, sinking into a nearby chair as her knees gave out 
completely. ?Daddy?? she whispered, unable to believe he was really 
standing there.

?Your mother and I came as soon as we heard. She?s waiting down the hall.? 
He took in the sight of the room, then turned his observation onto his 
daughter, noticing how haggard she looked. ?Is there anything we can do??

to be continued...


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